Punctuality Disagreement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse A just destroyed their marriage because of a stupid dispute over a diner with a coworker.
Who cares of they showed up late. It’s only a diner.
Spouse A would be right if this was an important appointment where getting late would have had devastating consequences, like getting late to work or an interview and losing your job, etc..

This was just a f*ing diner. Getting late has no major consequences.
It’s important to be on time, but this diner wasn’t the time where they needed to act like this.

Really confused why this would destroy a marriage. You were late. He got annoyed. You traveled separately. It's not that big a deal.

Explain again why you can't be polite to his coworker?

No. I was late. You could have left and had it be no big deal, but you were angry, and any feeling you have must be experienced by everyone around you.
So, repeatedly threatened me, then finally left in anger. When I arrived, thinking it was over, you tried to further embarrass me in front of your friends. You couldn’t let it go and until I was just as angry as you are.

Tell me why this is the kind of household I should raise my children in?

Are you the OP? Because if you’re not you’re just making shit up. Such a tired trope. And even if you’re not OP, learn how to adult and honor your commitments to be somewhere at a previously agreed upon time. That’s what adults do. But I can see how a princess like you thinks the whole world revolves just around her.

I’m not the OP. I don’t think the OP posted again after the first post.
I’m just someone who is surprised that so many people think it’s okay to take your anger out like this over something so trivial.

You wouldn’t act like this to your kids or to a stranger. Why do it to your spouse?

I teach my kids to be on time.

Do you expect an airplane to wait 15-30 minutes for you too?

Of course not. I am on time, which means I arrive at the gate and do not have to sit down before boarding. 20-40 flights per year; haven’t missed a flight yet.

Great. So you are capable of bring on time. Now do that when you promise to meet friends at a restaurant. It’s rude and entitled to have them stand around waiting for you.

+1
Hoist by his own petard!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long ago, I was spouse B in this situation. In this particular situation, I think Spouse A was okay. Spouse B is focusing on her embarrassment, not the embarrassment of Spouse A for being late in meeting a work colleague, and that’s wrong.

However, sometimes Spouse B will be right when it comes to timing for things related to her friends and family.

Nope. It's never right to be late. It's always rude.

Sorry, that’s simply not true. For my and my DH’s upbringing, if someone invites you to a party at 8:00 it would be rude to show up at 8:00.

Not in American it's not. If you're talking about another country, then that's not relevant here.

I am talking about the United States of America, because we were born and raised here (and no, I am not referring to restaurants; I gave the example of a party purposefully because I agree with the prior pp that Spouse B might be correct about what is considered polite for Spouse B’s social circle).

Sorry you're having such a hard time understanding. A dinner party where food will be ready to be served is not the same as a Super Bowl party. You're rude to show up late to a dinner party, but you clearly don't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. If B thinks it’s ok to be late for their friends and family, fine. However it is disrespectful to the other couple, Spouse A, and the restaurant to be late.

If I had told my spouse on multiple occasions that it was important to me to be on time to meet friends or family, a scheduled event, or restaurant reservation and they repeatedly failed to be punctual, I would assume they didn’t care. I wouldn’t give them the option to take an Uber later, I would say they were home and not feeling well. We would got to fewer events together. I would be flexible however on family plans that didn’t involve other people waiting on us or a set start time. For example if we agreed to go to the farmer’s market on Saturday around 10am and we didn’t leave until 10:30, I would say nothing and roll with it.

Not fine. My friend, who is habitually late, was going to make me late to my own bridal shower (thrown about 45 minutes away from where friend and I lived). I left without her. We've been friends for almost 30 years and are very close but it's absolutely rude for her to keep me waiting all the time, especially when the party was for me. But she does it anyway and it drives me crazy. Last time she was 45 minutes late for breakfast so I ate without her because I was starving. There is no excuse for being late and everyone trying to act like it's ok is totally missing how annoyed people are with you. It's so disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse A is right, but if I were Spouse B and you left without me, I wouldn’t uber myself to the restaurant; I would stay home.

I wouldn’t care if you left without me. But the threatening and then deliberately embarrassing me in front of work friends would not be okay.

Um, how did Spouse A embarrass Spouse B? There was no indication in the OP that they told the friends Spouse B just couldn't be bothered to show up on time, etc. If you aren't ready, you get left behind. That is YOUR problem. Stop being a selfish jerk and maybe you'll be less embarrassed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse A is right, but if I were Spouse B and you left without me, I wouldn’t uber myself to the restaurant; I would stay home.

I wouldn’t care if you left without me. But the threatening and then deliberately embarrassing me in front of work friends would not be okay.

But why would you be embarrassed? If being late is not rude, there is nothing to be embarrassed about, right?

I don’t know why spouse B was embarrassed or what spouse A said. I would assume that he was mocking his wife with his work friends before she arrived.

But why would this bother you if there's nothing wrong with being late? It's cool, right? No one cares. Being on time is actually rude, and all the things you tell yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse A is right, but if I were Spouse B and you left without me, I wouldn’t uber myself to the restaurant; I would stay home.

I wouldn’t care if you left without me. But the threatening and then deliberately embarrassing me in front of work friends would not be okay.

Didn't YOU embarrass YOURSELF by not being ready to go on time? Why can't you take responsibility for your (in)actions?

I’m not usually the one who is late, but I don’t make a big thing of it if DH is late. I just say that he is running behind and will be there soon.
I don’t threaten him or try to embarrass him.

Where did OP say she did that? Saying they're going to leave to be there on time isn't a threat. You late people are so freaking sensitive about something you say isn't a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Spouse B is less punctual and feels that being 15-30 minutes late is not that big of a deal."

I have not read anything more than OP's post, so I am sure this has been said already, but I want to lend my voice to reiterating that the above is one of most incredibly rude habits/mindsets one can have. Spouse A was not out of line at all, and it's a wonder that s/he lasted as long as s/he did.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doing it was fine. All the "dramatics" are not necessary.

What dramatics? Leaving on time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long ago, I was spouse B in this situation. In this particular situation, I think Spouse A was okay. Spouse B is focusing on her embarrassment, not the embarrassment of Spouse A for being late in meeting a work colleague, and that’s wrong.

However, sometimes Spouse B will be right when it comes to timing for things related to her friends and family.

Nope. It's never right to be late. It's always rude.

Lol, OP said it's partially cultural. You must not have ever showed for a posada "on time" and sat around awkwardly as the first guest for over an hour while the hosts cook and disappear to go get ready.

Well, inviting people to your house at a particular time and then not being ready for them is also rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:threatens, frustration, dithering, furious, embarrass ... language is too strong.
Each spouse can come/go as they like. They should just do it, drama free

I have friends, a couple, who drive to the airport separately. One likes to cut-it-close re:arrival. One gets stressed. So they drive 2 cars. If the late one misses the flight, the other still gets to go. NO DRAMA

Surely you can see that won't work for dinner reservations?

I posted earlier that my husband is often late. He’s a surgeon and sometimes cases go late.
It’s fine for dinner reservations. I just order his food when everyone orders, and he shows up when he shows up.

That is COMPLETELY different. Being late because of things you can't control is called life. Being late because you can't be bothered to get yourself together on time is rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse A is right, but if I were Spouse B and you left without me, I wouldn’t uber myself to the restaurant; I would stay home.

Yes, I would stay home and possibly even leave Spouse A. They picked their friends over their spouse.

Wow, I thought it was strange an earlier pp said this B side was narcissistic behavior, not chill. (I fall on the A side.) But, dang, there is A LOT to unpack with your comment….honoring commitment shows he’s not committed to you. You definitely prove pp’s point it its a test or gotcha.

Yes, you don't leave your spouse behind over a meaningless diner with co-workers. You get there late, you apologized and you work out the issue with your spouse. You don't throw you spouse under the bus in front of co-workers.

Um, no. You get there on time and your spouse who is an a-hole who thinks the world revolves around them can be embarrassed or not. And by the way, if it's so fine to be late then why be embarrassed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse A is right, but if I were Spouse B and you left without me, I wouldn’t uber myself to the restaurant; I would stay home.

Yes, I would stay home and possibly even leave Spouse A. They picked their friends over their spouse.

Wow so you'd not only require your spouse to be late because of you, you'd throw away your marriage over this?

This is the kind of bizarre behavior that makes on-time people think always-late people are controlling narcissists.

Spouse A is the one throwing away the marriage over this. Abandoning your spouse because you want to please a co-worker shows where their priority was. This was just a random diner, nothing critically important enough to justify leaving your spouse behind.

Well at least we know which posts are yours since you don't know how to spell dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse A is right, but if I were Spouse B and you left without me, I wouldn’t uber myself to the restaurant; I would stay home.

Yes, I would stay home and possibly even leave Spouse A. They picked their friends over their spouse.

Wow, I thought it was strange an earlier pp said this B side was narcissistic behavior, not chill. (I fall on the A side.) But, dang, there is A LOT to unpack with your comment….honoring commitment shows he’s not committed to you. You definitely prove pp’s point it its a test or gotcha.

Yes, you don't leave your spouse behind over a meaningless diner with co-workers. You get there late, you apologized and you work out the issue with your spouse. You don't throw you spouse under the bus in front of co-workers.

If there's nothing wrong with being late, why would Spouse A have anything to apologize for? And why would telling them that Spouse B is running late be throwing under the bus? Since there's nothing wrong with being late, right?

No, Spouse A feels like being late is very bad and that's why they would apologize to the co-worker and move on.
Spouse thinks it is not a big deal.
The fact that Spouse B makes it such a big deal that they are willing to abandon their spouse is concerning.
If the co-worker gets mad because you were late and don't want to have diner with you anymore, ok fine, what's the big deal.
But, if your spouse gets mad because you left them behind, your marriage is at risk. Do you really want to risk your marriage because you are trying to please a co-worker? Your marriage should be your priority.

Um no, Spouse B is risking their marriage by being so inconsiderate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So it's not enough for your spouse to put up with your lateness, you also need your spouse to be late *with* you, as a test of loyalty?

Dear God that's bizarre. But it's fascinating to meet someone who actually admits they're late a means of control and manipulation, so thanks for that!

+1

Every chronically late person I know is exceedingly selfish. The two things clearly go hand in hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am generally spouse A. But I'm also flexible enough to see when punctuality isn't a big deal. There are some events, like house parties or happy hours, where you can roll in a bit later and it's fine. Most house parties, for example, don't start right on time.

It wasn't a house party, you M. It was a dinner reservation with work friends of her spouse.

Why can't these friends wait? Are they so specials that they can't wait a couple of minutes?

30 minutes is not a couple of minutes. Nice try though.