DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as I love my mother, I love my wife more. But I also don’t think it’s a good idea for my mother to be living alone anymore.

That’s not normal. Your mother should be your top priority.

No. Marriage comes first. That's why there are wedding vows. "What God has joined together let NO ONE put asunder". Not even your mom.

Or you can put your mom first and give up on your marriage. That is also a valid choice. Not all marriages need to last forever.

Sure, but then you need to move out, not move your mom in.

Or OP can give his wife a pile of money and keep the house. Or if there's not enough cash for a buyout of either person, OP, and his wife can sell the house, split the proceeds, and OP can buy or rent a place to live with his mom. That can be mediated.

Well, I guess you don't get it. The whole idea of moving your mom to your family home from the male point of view is to have his wife take care of her! You really think the OP is planning to do much? Have you ever seen a male caregiver when a female is around (a wife, a sister)?

I totally get it, actually. And I would 100% divorce if DH moved his mom in and unloaded her on me. And in our divorce settlement, I would let him buy me out of our home equity, accept a pile of cash, and let him keep the house so he and his mom could live together for the rest of her life.

The thing it took me way too long to realize as a woman is that I'm not responsible for other people, besides, obviously, my minor, dependent children. I don't have to take care of my husband, and I certainly don't have to take care of my in-laws at the cost of my mental health. I can say no. Their reaction is not for me to manage or control. I wish I had known this sooner, but now that I do, it feels great to say no and protect my time, money, and energy from people who have taken advantage of me before. And if saying no ends my marriage, that's totally fine with me. I don't need to be married. I like living alone. I like my friends. I like my hobbies. My kids will be okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as I love my mother, I love my wife more. But I also don’t think it’s a good idea for my mother to be living alone anymore.

That’s not normal. Your mother should be your top priority.

No. Marriage comes first. That's why there are wedding vows. "What God has joined together let NO ONE put asunder". Not even your mom.

Or you can put your mom first and give up on your marriage. That is also a valid choice. Not all marriages need to last forever.

Sure, but then you need to move out, not move your mom in.

Or OP can give his wife a pile of money and keep the house. Or if there's not enough cash for a buyout of either person, OP, and his wife can sell the house, split the proceeds, and OP can buy or rent a place to live with his mom. That can be mediated.

Well, I guess you don't get it. The whole idea of moving your mom to your family home from the male point of view is to have his wife take care of her! You really think the OP is planning to do much? Have you ever seen a male caregiver when a female is around (a wife, a sister)?

I totally get it, actually. And I would 100% divorce if DH moved his mom in and unloaded her on me. And in our divorce settlement, I would let him buy me out of our home equity, accept a pile of cash, and let him keep the house so he and his mom could live together for the rest of her life.

The thing it took me way too long to realize as a woman is that I'm not responsible for other people, besides, obviously, my minor, dependent children. I don't have to take care of my husband, and I certainly don't have to take care of my in-laws at the cost of my mental health. I can say no. Their reaction is not for me to manage or control. I wish I had known this sooner, but now that I do, it feels great to say no and protect my time, money, and energy from people who have taken advantage of me before. And if saying no ends my marriage, that's totally fine with me. I don't need to be married. I like living alone. I like my friends. I like my hobbies. My kids will be okay.

Ha, I'm there with you! We're soon to be empty nesters and my DH is already going on and on how I'll have time to finally take care of him as I used to (before kids)... I'm like nope! I wised up meanwhile! You wish! It's amazing how the society has conditioned us, women, to literally put ourselves on the back burner, so that everybody else can blossom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. She'd be moving in tomorrow no questions asked. She's not going to live forever. The memories my kids have with my parents are priceless (they live with us). But, thankfully my DH loves and respects my parents just as much as I do.

ha you say that but I personally know two women aged around 103/104. The grandma could outlive both spouses!

In that case, there would come a point where the spouses are more in need of care than her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eldercare in our country sucks. We don't have joint family system and cheap hired help like eastern cultures nir do we've efficient and free assisted living like Scandinavian countries.

A major reason is that here the elders are kept alive for a very long time due to excellent medical care and the doctors are afraid to get sued. In other countries falling is a common way to pass away. So is passing away from illnesses or injuries. Nobody replaces hips/knees over a certain age in the majority of countries, or does other major surgeries. Here one can be kept alive as a vegetable if the family insists. In Scandinavia in particular, people are not afraid of death or end of life (as they are here) and take it as a normal part of existence (cue the now popularized Swedish death cleaning).

I couldn’t have put it better myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as I love my mother, I love my wife more. But I also don’t think it’s a good idea for my mother to be living alone anymore.

That’s not normal. Your mother should be your top priority.

No. Marriage comes first. That's why there are wedding vows. "What God has joined together let NO ONE put asunder". Not even your mom.

Or you can put your mom first and give up on your marriage. That is also a valid choice. Not all marriages need to last forever.

Chances are, the OP and his wife are both going to outlive the OP’s mother. If the OP gets a divorce for his mother’s sake, he probably won’t have very long with his mother, and when she dies, the OP won’t have his wife or his mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as I love my mother, I love my wife more. But I also don’t think it’s a good idea for my mother to be living alone anymore.

That’s not normal. Your mother should be your top priority.

No. Marriage comes first. That's why there are wedding vows. "What God has joined together let NO ONE put asunder". Not even your mom.

Or you can put your mom first and give up on your marriage. That is also a valid choice. Not all marriages need to last forever.

Chances are, the OP and his wife are both going to outlive the OP’s mother. If the OP gets a divorce for his mother’s sake, he probably won’t have very long with his mother, and when she dies, the OP won’t have his wife or his mother.

But it's a win for OP's wife. Most often, women outlive men, so she'd have to take care of his mom and then him. If she got sick first, there's a good chance he'd desert her, as men often do. So, if he chooses his mom, he frees his wife of two caregiving jobs. Win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as I love my mother, I love my wife more. But I also don’t think it’s a good idea for my mother to be living alone anymore.

That’s not normal. Your mother should be your top priority.

No. Marriage comes first. That's why there are wedding vows. "What God has joined together let NO ONE put asunder". Not even your mom.

Or you can put your mom first and give up on your marriage. That is also a valid choice. Not all marriages need to last forever.

100% and I wonder why more women don't end their marriages to take care of their parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as I love my mother, I love my wife more. But I also don’t think it’s a good idea for my mother to be living alone anymore.

That’s not normal. Your mother should be your top priority.

No. Marriage comes first. That's why there are wedding vows. "What God has joined together let NO ONE put asunder". Not even your mom.

Or you can put your mom first and give up on your marriage. That is also a valid choice. Not all marriages need to last forever.

100% and I wonder why more women don't end their marriages to take care of their parents?

Maybe they love their husbands more than their parents. There’s nothing wrong with that, even if it’s unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as I love my mother, I love my wife more. But I also don’t think it’s a good idea for my mother to be living alone anymore.

That’s not normal. Your mother should be your top priority.

No. Marriage comes first. That's why there are wedding vows. "What God has joined together let NO ONE put asunder". Not even your mom.

Or you can put your mom first and give up on your marriage. That is also a valid choice. Not all marriages need to last forever.

100% and I wonder why more women don't end their marriages to take care of their parents?

Women don't have to divorce to take care of their parents, because the husbands don't mind. Husbands are not the ones putting in the work. The whole point of divorce in case a husband moves in his mom is to escape from the MIL caretaking, which is going to happen if she's moved in, whether you like it or not, or even if it was promised it'll not happen. In fact if wife is a caretaker, the husband is eagerly awaiting his turn! He's happy if his wife first takes care of everyone's parents (both her own and his) and then takes care of him! It's a wonderful life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as I love my mother, I love my wife more. But I also don’t think it’s a good idea for my mother to be living alone anymore.

That’s not normal. Your mother should be your top priority.

No. Marriage comes first. That's why there are wedding vows. "What God has joined together let NO ONE put asunder". Not even your mom.

Or you can put your mom first and give up on your marriage. That is also a valid choice. Not all marriages need to last forever.

Chances are, the OP and his wife are both going to outlive the OP’s mother. If the OP gets a divorce for his mother’s sake, he probably won’t have very long with his mother, and when she dies, the OP won’t have his wife or his mother.

But it's a win for OP's wife. Most often, women outlive men, so she'd have to take care of his mom and then him. If she got sick first, there's a good chance he'd desert her, as men often do. So, if he chooses his mom, he frees his wife of two caregiving jobs. Win.

If anything, wives are more likely to desert their husbands than vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - my DH thinks the same as you. He knows I don’t want her to move in, and that I don’t like his mother. He wouldn’t want my mother to move in and finds her annoying.

But I understand we have to do something. I looked into assisted living and it looks like it’s around 10k a month. I think she should live on her own as long as possible, then we move her to apt near us when we have to, then in with us if necessary with the help of an aide, then a facility. I’m trying to minimize the financial damage - we have kids that those resources should go to.

As much as I resent her for this and more, I realize we have to have some plan. I also refuse to spend the next 10 years walking her to bathroom, giving her baths, ect…

NP. This is our situation as well and this is our plan. I was thinking the apartment with an aide as long as possible before moving her in. If MIL moves in though, I would end up spending most of my time elsewhere, like work, gym, travel. I won’t have much of a marriage anymore. So, maybe it’s better to let her money go towards her own care and not to my kids. Her daily presence could ultimately ruin our marriage and the thing is, I know if my mother moved in, DH would feel the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's be extremely honest, would the caregiving functions be falling significantly in your wife. Because that's actually what's involved with moving in. Caring for someone in that manner is both mentally and physically draining.

Yes, this needs to be pointed out to OP. Would YOU want to be the main caregiver for your in-law? Cook, feed, bathe, clothe someone, every single day? Deal with tantrums and whining and confusion? Watch someone decline day by day? Do the ER run every once in while, always in the dead of night?

It's exhausting.

OMG. Wait until you are old and ill and your children won't help to care for you Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What were your mother’s plans for elder/long term care?

Not OP. My 85 year old MiL has been retired for 20 years and has no plan. Her plan is for us to figure it out for her, and this is what I resent the most. She spends her days reading romance novels and watching junk TV surrounded by her mounds of newspaper clippings and junk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's be extremely honest, would the caregiving functions be falling significantly in your wife. Because that's actually what's involved with moving in. Caring for someone in that manner is both mentally and physically draining.

Yes, this needs to be pointed out to OP. Would YOU want to be the main caregiver for your in-law? Cook, feed, bathe, clothe someone, every single day? Deal with tantrums and whining and confusion? Watch someone decline day by day? Do the ER run every once in while, always in the dead of night?

It's exhausting.

OMG. Wait until you are old and ill and your children won't help to care for you Yuck.

And it's highly likely! Your adult children are not trained nurses and don't know what to do with you if you're ill and require a lot of caretaking. In old times eldercare at home was possible, because people were not on 100 medications and rarely lived past becoming unable to care for themselves. Sure, somebody might have been bedridden for a week or so with an illness, like we all can, but not for years! Just hypertension treatment (considered fatal 50 years ago) helps people to live much longer, without it, most would pass away within a month!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's be extremely honest, would the caregiving functions be falling significantly in your wife. Because that's actually what's involved with moving in. Caring for someone in that manner is both mentally and physically draining.

Yes, this needs to be pointed out to OP. Would YOU want to be the main caregiver for your in-law? Cook, feed, bathe, clothe someone, every single day? Deal with tantrums and whining and confusion? Watch someone decline day by day? Do the ER run every once in while, always in the dead of night?

It's exhausting.

OMG. Wait until you are old and ill and your children won't help to care for you Yuck.

And it's highly likely! Your adult children are not trained nurses and don't know what to do with you if you're ill and require a lot of caretaking. In old times eldercare at home was possible, because people were not on 100 medications and rarely lived past becoming unable to care for themselves. Sure, somebody might have been bedridden for a week or so with an illness, like we all can, but not for years! Just hypertension treatment (considered fatal 50 years ago) helps people to live much longer, without it, most would pass away within a month!

This x100000 I am so frustrated that there isn’t a path to avoid all of this. I do not want to live past 80 up until when 90, 100 with no quality of life. Existing solely to feed the medical and elder care industry while I lay around watching everything I enjoyed and worked for drain away is not my idea of living.