DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's be extremely honest, would the caregiving functions be falling significantly in your wife. Because that's actually what's involved with moving in. Caring for someone in that manner is both mentally and physically draining.

Yes, this needs to be pointed out to OP. Would YOU want to be the main caregiver for your in-law? Cook, feed, bathe, clothe someone, every single day? Deal with tantrums and whining and confusion? Watch someone decline day by day? Do the ER run every once in while, always in the dead of night?

It's exhausting.

OMG. Wait until you are old and ill and your children won't help to care for you Yuck.

DP, but I promise to make sure I'm dead before that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's be extremely honest, would the caregiving functions be falling significantly in your wife. Because that's actually what's involved with moving in. Caring for someone in that manner is both mentally and physically draining.

Yes, this needs to be pointed out to OP. Would YOU want to be the main caregiver for your in-law? Cook, feed, bathe, clothe someone, every single day? Deal with tantrums and whining and confusion? Watch someone decline day by day? Do the ER run every once in while, always in the dead of night?

It's exhausting.

OMG. Wait until you are old and ill and your children won't help to care for you Yuck.

And it's highly likely! Your adult children are not trained nurses and don't know what to do with you if you're ill and require a lot of caretaking. In old times eldercare at home was possible, because people were not on 100 medications and rarely lived past becoming unable to care for themselves. Sure, somebody might have been bedridden for a week or so with an illness, like we all can, but not for years! Just hypertension treatment (considered fatal 50 years ago) helps people to live much longer, without it, most would pass away within a month!

This x100000 I am so frustrated that there isn’t a path to avoid all of this. I do not want to live past 80 up until when 90, 100 with no quality of life. Existing solely to feed the medical and elder care industry while I lay around watching everything I enjoyed and worked for drain away is not my idea of living.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was the plan for aging parents discussed before marriage? At all early on?

What does your mother moving in look like? Who will provide care and help primarily? Is there space to separate your lives eg. an in-laws suite, or will she be in the bedroom next door to you? How will down bed be managed? What is the long term plan for all
Of those things?

Do you and your wife both work outside the home? Do you work at home? Are there young children involved? What’s your house set up like? Why can’t your mother not live along any more?

You’re basically proving no information to make any useful replies on this.

That first question cracks me up. I was 23 when I married and, no, we did not discuss elder care for any of our parents. We're now in our sixties and caring for our two moms and my stepmom, 95, 91 and 87. None of them live with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's be extremely honest, would the caregiving functions be falling significantly in your wife. Because that's actually what's involved with moving in. Caring for someone in that manner is both mentally and physically draining.

Yes, this needs to be pointed out to OP. Would YOU want to be the main caregiver for your in-law? Cook, feed, bathe, clothe someone, every single day? Deal with tantrums and whining and confusion? Watch someone decline day by day? Do the ER run every once in while, always in the dead of night?

It's exhausting.

OMG. Wait until you are old and ill and your children won't help to care for you Yuck.

You had kids to wipe your butt when you got old?

I didn't have kids. Made plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eldercare in our country sucks. We don't have joint family system and cheap hired help like eastern cultures nir do we've efficient and free assisted living like Scandinavian countries.

Yup. Shithole country!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's be extremely honest, would the caregiving functions be falling significantly in your wife. Because that's actually what's involved with moving in. Caring for someone in that manner is both mentally and physically draining.

Yes, this needs to be pointed out to OP. Would YOU want to be the main caregiver for your in-law? Cook, feed, bathe, clothe someone, every single day? Deal with tantrums and whining and confusion? Watch someone decline day by day? Do the ER run every once in while, always in the dead of night?

It's exhausting.

OMG. Wait until you are old and ill and your children won't help to care for you Yuck.

I'll take care of my parents, but I'm not taking care of my in-laws. Not my responsibility. The child they had and raised can do it or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As much as I love my mother, I love my wife more. But I also don’t think it’s a good idea for my mother to be living alone anymore.

Is it a separate apartment where you can have help come to her? Can she afford to stay in her own home and have daily help come? That is what we do for my mother. She did not want to move out of her home and we have daily help come. I plan on staying in my home until the end and have help come in.

[Anonymous]

Don’t move your mother in. It’ll wreck your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are horrible. Wow

+1

100% agree. This country has no respect and love for family and elders. Gross.

Not every parent deserves respect or love since they never gave their kids either

[Anonymous]

I think part of the reason why this post is getting so much traction is that no one wants to live with their mother-in-law. Moving your mom in would strain most marriages and marriages that are already strained are likely to end over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think part of the reason why this post is getting so much traction is that no one wants to live with their mother-in-law. Moving your mom in would strain most marriages and marriages that are already strained are likely to end over it.

This OP. Your mother is not worth ending your marriage over.

[Anonymous]

You need to solemnly swear to your wife that if your mother moves in, you will be solely responsible for the caregiving and you won’t expect her to lift a finger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to solemnly swear to your wife that if your mother moves in, you will be solely responsible for the caregiving and you won’t expect her to lift a finger.

and then follow through. Promises mean nothing without the action to back them up. In my family of origin it would be all promises and all lies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to solemnly swear to your wife that if your mother moves in, you will be solely responsible for the caregiving and you won’t expect her to lift a finger.

and then follow through. Promises mean nothing without the action to back them up. In my family of origin it would be all promises and all lies.

These "promises" never work. There are only a few men who'd be willing and able to take care of their mother. Did he participate in childrearing, like hands on, cleaning and cooking, organizing activities, going to doctors? If no, they're not going to do it now. My DH was inviting his mom and brother to stay at the beginning of our marriage (at different times), and then promptly took off to office as he had "so much work". I was literally stuck with them, because it felt unpolite to also take off. We women are stupid. After having to clean, cook and entertain as a proper host, I now simply refuse any and all of his "guests". I said that I'd take off for the days he invites, and I totally would. Btw his brother still raves about the winery tour I organized over 10 years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to solemnly swear to your wife that if your mother moves in, you will be solely responsible for the caregiving and you won’t expect her to lift a finger.

and then follow through. Promises mean nothing without the action to back them up. In my family of origin it would be all promises and all lies.

These "promises" never work. There are only a few men who'd be willing and able to take care of their mother. Did he participate in childrearing, like hands on, cleaning and cooking, organizing activities, going to doctors? If no, they're not going to do it now. My DH was inviting his mom and brother to stay at the beginning of our marriage (at different times), and then promptly took off to office as he had "so much work". I was literally stuck with them, because it felt unpolite to also take off. We women are stupid. After having to clean, cook and entertain as a proper host, I now simply refuse any and all of his "guests". I said that I'd take off for the days he invites, and I totally would. Btw his brother still raves about the winery tour I organized over 10 years later.

When my parents needed caring, I just quit work. I was unmarried and felt that family should come before money.