DW doesn’t want my mother to move in with us.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to live with her, get her an apartment at walking distance from your home so you can help her maintain her independence while keeping your wife's independence.

If you do end up moving her in due to lack of resources then try to make it a separate area with bedroom, bathroom, a kitchenette, a door opening to backyard. This way your wife doesn't have to share her personal space.

Make sure you are the one helping her with her chores, not expecting your wife to do your duty.

[Anonymous]

Having an inlaw in your home 24/7/365 is mentally intrusive. Imagine your wife moving her parents in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get an apartment near your house and live there with your mother. You can still spend a lot of time at your family home with your wife.

This^. Your wife would probably prefer a part time husband over a full time MIL.

[Anonymous]

Eldercare in our country sucks. We don't have joint family system and cheap hired help like eastern cultures nir do we've efficient and free assisted living like Scandinavian countries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as I love my mother, I love my wife more. But I also don’t think it’s a good idea for my mother to be living alone anymore.

That’s not normal. Your mother should be your top priority.

No. Marriage comes first. That's why there are wedding vows. "What God has joined together let NO ONE put asunder". Not even your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. She'd be moving in tomorrow no questions asked. She's not going to live forever. The memories my kids have with my parents are priceless (they live with us). But, thankfully my DH loves and respects my parents just as much as I do.

ha you say that but I personally know two women aged around 103/104. The grandma could outlive both spouses!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I grew up, three generations lived under one roof. But I recognize that American majority don’t love and care for their elders. I cannot believe how many are just so nonchalant about putting your parents in a facility.

I’m sure said Americans aren’t expecting their parents to leave them in their will, so it’s really not so terrible.

Also, I won’t expect anyone to care for me when I’m old. I plan on being dead by 75.

And if you’re not dead then what? Or do you intend to off yourself then? What if turning 75 isn’t so bad. You still just ending it?

Not the PP but I for one am seriously considering an exit before I become a burden, yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eldercare in our country sucks. We don't have joint family system and cheap hired help like eastern cultures nir do we've efficient and free assisted living like Scandinavian countries.

A major reason is that here the elders are kept alive for a very long time due to excellent medical care and the doctors are afraid to get sued. In other countries falling is a common way to pass away. So is passing away from illnesses or injuries. Nobody replaces hips/knees over a certain age in the majority of countries, or does other major surgeries. Here one can be kept alive as a vegetable if the family insists. In Scandinavia in particular, people are not afraid of death or end of life (as they are here) and take it as a normal part of existence (cue the now popularized Swedish death cleaning).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having an inlaw in your home 24/7/365 is mentally intrusive. Imagine your wife moving her parents in.

Yup. I'd divorce over it in order to get away. I can't live like that, and after being a longtime people pleaser, I'm no longer willing to sacrifice my mental health for other people's happiness (thank you, therapy). No is a complete answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as I love my mother, I love my wife more. But I also don’t think it’s a good idea for my mother to be living alone anymore.

That’s not normal. Your mother should be your top priority.

No. Marriage comes first. That's why there are wedding vows. "What God has joined together let NO ONE put asunder". Not even your mom.

Or you can put your mom first and give up on your marriage. That is also a valid choice. Not all marriages need to last forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as I love my mother, I love my wife more. But I also don’t think it’s a good idea for my mother to be living alone anymore.

That’s not normal. Your mother should be your top priority.

No. Marriage comes first. That's why there are wedding vows. "What God has joined together let NO ONE put asunder". Not even your mom.

Or you can put your mom first and give up on your marriage. That is also a valid choice. Not all marriages need to last forever.

Sure, but then you need to move out, not move your mom in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as I love my mother, I love my wife more. But I also don’t think it’s a good idea for my mother to be living alone anymore.

That’s not normal. Your mother should be your top priority.

No. Marriage comes first. That's why there are wedding vows. "What God has joined together let NO ONE put asunder". Not even your mom.

Or you can put your mom first and give up on your marriage. That is also a valid choice. Not all marriages need to last forever.

Sure, but then you need to move out, not move your mom in.

Or OP can give his wife a pile of money and keep the house. Or if there's not enough cash for a buyout of either person, OP, and his wife can sell the house, split the proceeds, and OP can buy or rent a place to live with his mom. That can be mediated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as I love my mother, I love my wife more. But I also don’t think it’s a good idea for my mother to be living alone anymore.

That’s not normal. Your mother should be your top priority.

No. Marriage comes first. That's why there are wedding vows. "What God has joined together let NO ONE put asunder". Not even your mom.

Or you can put your mom first and give up on your marriage. That is also a valid choice. Not all marriages need to last forever.

Sure, but then you need to move out, not move your mom in.

Or OP can give his wife a pile of money and keep the house. Or if there's not enough cash for a buyout of either person, OP, and his wife can sell the house, split the proceeds, and OP can buy or rent a place to live with his mom. That can be mediated.

Well, I guess you don't get it. The whole idea of moving your mom to your family home from the male point of view is to have his wife take care of her! You really think the OP is planning to do much? Have you ever seen a male caregiver when a female is around (a wife, a sister)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As much as I love my mother, I love my wife more. But I also don’t think it’s a good idea for my mother to be living alone anymore.

She needs an apartment, a retired living center or assisted care about 30-60 minutes from you. She likely planned and saved for this as well. I one wants to be a burden to an adult child and his new family, expenses, worries, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. She'd be moving in tomorrow no questions asked. She's not going to live forever. The memories my kids have with my parents are priceless (they live with us). But, thankfully my DH loves and respects my parents just as much as I do.

ha you say that but I personally know two women aged around 103/104. The grandma could outlive both spouses!

True.

Especially if they just sit around