Wife’s routine spending - what is normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Still reading all your responses.

Re: her becoming a SAHM. I was worried at first about her giving up a pretty well paid job and having a hard time going back to that salary level. We had a nanny for the first year and half. Neither my wife nor I loved it - she kept the baby alive and safe but that was about it, didn’t cook, do that many activities, or read (she barely could speak English). And this wasn’t a cheap nanny! After base payu, healthcare, PTO, etc it was a hefty sum. My wife was making a little over 200k at the time so yes we could afford it, but she didn’t enjoy her job and thought she could provide better care.

Now that I’ve seen the difference between how much my wife does and the nanny - who pretty much just took the baby out on walks while being on her phone, and sitting at parks - I totally support her staying a SAHM until the second is ready for preschool. Our kids are doing really well and my wife keeps a great routine, my work is rarely interrupted the way it still was with the nanny (sick, vacation, holidays…) I just wish we could be more frugal.

Yeah, some of this is the dynamic changing now that I’m the only one working, but overall expenses are increasing. Like I said before I don’t micromanage her nor does she me, we’re doing this exercise for the first time after the second kid and me thinking ahead to to college savings, double preschool, etc. We have joint finances so my expenses were also looked at. I don’t want to be stingy with her because I can tell what she does now is a lot harder than her previous desk job. In the course of us discussing this she did say she feels the self care categories are keeping her sane / refreshed from all the childcare.

After reading how many responses here say this isn’t too abnormal, I think I won’t make a big deal out of it.

Curious to hear from husbands of women who quit a well paid job to stay at home after kids. How did the dynamic of your financial relationship change , if at all. Did you feel more compelled to check /monitor your wife’s spending as the sole earner.

My husband starts to feel compelled to monitor my spending whenever there is a major life shift. I would say that having a new baby and your wife quitting her job qualifies as a major life shift. We have an HHI of $500k, and he will worry about whether we can afford Hulu. We moved recently, and he wouldn’t let me get my hair cut and wanted to cancel our son’s tenth birthday party. It feels really irrational to me.

What makes more sense is to come up with an actual budget for your family. Here is a budget from whitecoatinvestor:

Another Good Budget for an Attending

Income $300K

Fixed Expenses

Taxes $70K
Housing $36K
Utilities $7K
Insurance $6K
Student loan payments $15K
Total $134K


Variable Expenses

Retirement $60K
Charity $30K
Auto savings $8K
Vacation savings $10K
College savings $15K
Food $12K
Gas $8K
Everything else $23K
Total $166K

This budget has “everything else” meaning entertainment, kids activities, clothes for the family, furniture, electronics, etc. at $23k. It might be that your wife spending $10k on personal stuff is a disproportionate amount of your disposable income, or it might be fine.

500k is not much in the DC area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Still reading all your responses.

Re: her becoming a SAHM. I was worried at first about her giving up a pretty well paid job and having a hard time going back to that salary level. We had a nanny for the first year and half. Neither my wife nor I loved it - she kept the baby alive and safe but that was about it, didn’t cook, do that many activities, or read (she barely could speak English). And this wasn’t a cheap nanny! After base payu, healthcare, PTO, etc it was a hefty sum. My wife was making a little over 200k at the time so yes we could afford it, but she didn’t enjoy her job and thought she could provide better care.

Now that I’ve seen the difference between how much my wife does and the nanny - who pretty much just took the baby out on walks while being on her phone, and sitting at parks - I totally support her staying a SAHM until the second is ready for preschool. Our kids are doing really well and my wife keeps a great routine, my work is rarely interrupted the way it still was with the nanny (sick, vacation, holidays…) I just wish we could be more frugal.

Yeah, some of this is the dynamic changing now that I’m the only one working, but overall expenses are increasing. Like I said before I don’t micromanage her nor does she me, we’re doing this exercise for the first time after the second kid and me thinking ahead to to college savings, double preschool, etc. We have joint finances so my expenses were also looked at. I don’t want to be stingy with her because I can tell what she does now is a lot harder than her previous desk job. In the course of us discussing this she did say she feels the self care categories are keeping her sane / refreshed from all the childcare.

After reading how many responses here say this isn’t too abnormal, I think I won’t make a big deal out of it.

Curious to hear from husbands of women who quit a well paid job to stay at home after kids. How did the dynamic of your financial relationship change , if at all. Did you feel more compelled to check /monitor your wife’s spending as the sole earner.

My husband starts to feel compelled to monitor my spending whenever there is a major life shift. I would say that having a new baby and your wife quitting her job qualifies as a major life shift. We have an HHI of $500k, and he will worry about whether we can afford Hulu. We moved recently, and he wouldn’t let me get my hair cut and wanted to cancel our son’s tenth birthday party. It feels really irrational to me.

What makes more sense is to come up with an actual budget for your family. Here is a budget from whitecoatinvestor:

Another Good Budget for an Attending

Income $300K

Fixed Expenses

Taxes $70K
Housing $36K
Utilities $7K
Insurance $6K
Student loan payments $15K
Total $134K


Variable Expenses

Retirement $60K
Charity $30K
Auto savings $8K
Vacation savings $10K
College savings $15K
Food $12K
Gas $8K
Everything else $23K
Total $166K

This budget has “everything else” meaning entertainment, kids activities, clothes for the family, furniture, electronics, etc. at $23k. It might be that your wife spending $10k on personal stuff is a disproportionate amount of your disposable income, or it might be fine.

500k is not much in the DC area.

Yeah. I think it covers $8.99 a month for Hulu.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm the odd person out because I think this spending is frivolous and wasteful, particularly for a SAHM. The lunches and coffees make sense because that's good for her mental health. All the rest can be done at home much more inexpensively.

Did she think she was going to be able to quit her job and not have to adjust the purse strings at all?

She does have a job actually--and it's probably a lot harder than his job. And no, she shouldn't be expected to cut back because she no longer works for an employer. She is a mom, she deserves some breaks and her own spending money, he shouldn't have a say. I think he's cheap and wants to push her to go back to formal employment.

Working mom here and I agree. Being an engaged parent 24/7 is a lot of effort. I’m glad OP is recognizing this. I hope he’s also giving her breaks beyond a pedicure here and there.

It’s also way more isolating than working. During my maternity leaves I went to the mall and out for coffee all the time so I had a reason to leave the house that was not going to the park. I would try hard to be respectful of that.

You guys don’t have a very high income to live in Bethesda. This is going to take a lot of vigilance from both of you but it’s not your job to micromanage her. You are still her spouse and NOT her employer. If you aren’t saving enough or whatever ask her to cut back $400 a month or whatever but don’t tell her how to do that. You trust her to care for your kids, can’t you trust her with your SHARED money? You guys need to agree on your goals and then let her deal with her end of it. I got tired of spending $$$ on kids clothes that got ruined but I don’t live in Bethesda anymore so it isn’t weird that my kids wear amazon brand and stuff. She can figure this out.

We live in Bethesda on this income just fine. Our kids wear Amazon and Carter’s and Target clothes. OP’s wife is falling victim to lifestyle inflation. You don’t have to waste money, you don’t have to get Botox, you don’t have to have a fresh manicure, you don’t need to have expensive highlights and Botox. You don’t have to spend hundreds on clothes each month to look nice. These are luxuries, not necessities. OP’s wife is used to having more money and needs to adjust, and this has zero to do with living in Bethesda - the pressure exists everywhere. And there’s plenty of practical, frugal people here who don’t feel that a weekly manicure is something a SAHP is entitled to.

I’m the PP you are responding to and of course you *can* live on this income in Bethesda but what I said was it’s going to take a lot of effort because the people around you are going to have more. We have double this HHI and live in Rockville for a variety of reasons, one of which is I grew up poorer than all my peers (though not poor, by any stretch of the imagination) and hated it. I don’t know how old your kids are but it gets harder when they are older and asking to do activities and have the same clothes as their friends. If OPs wife goes back to work they will be fine but I doubt that’s a certainty regardless of what she says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm the odd person out because I think this spending is frivolous and wasteful, particularly for a SAHM. The lunches and coffees make sense because that's good for her mental health. All the rest can be done at home much more inexpensively.

Did she think she was going to be able to quit her job and not have to adjust the purse strings at all?

She does have a job actually--and it's probably a lot harder than his job. And no, she shouldn't be expected to cut back because she no longer works for an employer. She is a mom, she deserves some breaks and her own spending money, he shouldn't have a say. I think he's cheap and wants to push her to go back to formal employment.

Working mom here and I agree. Being an engaged parent 24/7 is a lot of effort. I’m glad OP is recognizing this. I hope he’s also giving her breaks beyond a pedicure here and there.

It’s also way more isolating than working. During my maternity leaves I went to the mall and out for coffee all the time so I had a reason to leave the house that was not going to the park. I would try hard to be respectful of that.

You guys don’t have a very high income to live in Bethesda. This is going to take a lot of vigilance from both of you but it’s not your job to micromanage her. You are still her spouse and NOT her employer. If you aren’t saving enough or whatever ask her to cut back $400 a month or whatever but don’t tell her how to do that. You trust her to care for your kids, can’t you trust her with your SHARED money? You guys need to agree on your goals and then let her deal with her end of it. I got tired of spending $$$ on kids clothes that got ruined but I don’t live in Bethesda anymore so it isn’t weird that my kids wear amazon brand and stuff. She can figure this out.

We live in Bethesda on this income just fine. Our kids wear Amazon and Carter’s and Target clothes. OP’s wife is falling victim to lifestyle inflation. You don’t have to waste money, you don’t have to get Botox, you don’t have to have a fresh manicure, you don’t need to have expensive highlights and Botox. You don’t have to spend hundreds on clothes each month to look nice. These are luxuries, not necessities. OP’s wife is used to having more money and needs to adjust, and this has zero to do with living in Bethesda - the pressure exists everywhere. And there’s plenty of practical, frugal people here who don’t feel that a weekly manicure is something a SAHP is entitled to.

I’m the PP you are responding to and of course you *can* live on this income in Bethesda but what I said was it’s going to take a lot of effort because the people around you are going to have more. We have double this HHI and live in Rockville for a variety of reasons, one of which is I grew up poorer than all my peers (though not poor, by any stretch of the imagination) and hated it. I don’t know how old your kids are but it gets harder when they are older and asking to do activities and have the same clothes as their friends. If OPs wife goes back to work they will be fine but I doubt that’s a certainty regardless of what she says.

Why should she go back to work? What’s with this pressuring women to stop being SAHMs when kids are out of preschool? She probably doesn’t plan to go back to work and that’s more than ok and should be normalized (which thankfully it is nowadays).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm the odd person out because I think this spending is frivolous and wasteful, particularly for a SAHM. The lunches and coffees make sense because that's good for her mental health. All the rest can be done at home much more inexpensively.

Did she think she was going to be able to quit her job and not have to adjust the purse strings at all?

She does have a job actually--and it's probably a lot harder than his job. And no, she shouldn't be expected to cut back because she no longer works for an employer. She is a mom, she deserves some breaks and her own spending money, he shouldn't have a say. I think he's cheap and wants to push her to go back to formal employment.

Working mom here and I agree. Being an engaged parent 24/7 is a lot of effort. I’m glad OP is recognizing this. I hope he’s also giving her breaks beyond a pedicure here and there.

It’s also way more isolating than working. During my maternity leaves I went to the mall and out for coffee all the time so I had a reason to leave the house that was not going to the park. I would try hard to be respectful of that.

You guys don’t have a very high income to live in Bethesda. This is going to take a lot of vigilance from both of you but it’s not your job to micromanage her. You are still her spouse and NOT her employer. If you aren’t saving enough or whatever ask her to cut back $400 a month or whatever but don’t tell her how to do that. You trust her to care for your kids, can’t you trust her with your SHARED money? You guys need to agree on your goals and then let her deal with her end of it. I got tired of spending $$$ on kids clothes that got ruined but I don’t live in Bethesda anymore so it isn’t weird that my kids wear amazon brand and stuff. She can figure this out.

We live in Bethesda on this income just fine. Our kids wear Amazon and Carter’s and Target clothes. OP’s wife is falling victim to lifestyle inflation. You don’t have to waste money, you don’t have to get Botox, you don’t have to have a fresh manicure, you don’t need to have expensive highlights and Botox. You don’t have to spend hundreds on clothes each month to look nice. These are luxuries, not necessities. OP’s wife is used to having more money and needs to adjust, and this has zero to do with living in Bethesda - the pressure exists everywhere. And there’s plenty of practical, frugal people here who don’t feel that a weekly manicure is something a SAHP is entitled to.

I’m the PP you are responding to and of course you *can* live on this income in Bethesda but what I said was it’s going to take a lot of effort because the people around you are going to have more. We have double this HHI and live in Rockville for a variety of reasons, one of which is I grew up poorer than all my peers (though not poor, by any stretch of the imagination) and hated it. I don’t know how old your kids are but it gets harder when they are older and asking to do activities and have the same clothes as their friends. If OPs wife goes back to work they will be fine but I doubt that’s a certainty regardless of what she says.

People will always have more - that’s a life lesson for kids to learn early. But living in Bethesda for us was a school decision and a financial one - our house has increased in value significantly and is the best investment in real estate we could have made in this area. For every rich kid in a 2-3 million house in this area there are kids whose parents bought a 1950s rambler that wasn’t updated and kids whose parents are living in an apartment or townhouse. It’s a mixed bag and not everyone here has insane wealth. You’re just going off stereotypes. But I’m glad living in Rockville lets you feel smug.

[Anonymous]

I recently cut back to *more* than what you describe. I live in a town similar to Bethesda. Hubby never outright asked me to rein anything in, and if he’s tracking so minutely what all my spending costs, I’ve never heard it from him. Right after having a kid is not a good time to bring this up tho IMO, since at least for me that is exactly the time I’m feeling more haggard, flabby, exhausted, forgotten, and in need of self-care and glamming in order to keep up a peppy and positive appearance and attitude.
DH’s spending looks like yours and tbh I think sometimes he doesn’t realize how much more presentable he could be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If her appearance is a priority to you, you can't begrudge what she spends on it. I'd never spend that much but I have grey hair I cut myself, I cut my own fingernails and toenails, and I spend nothing on makeup. I spend $150/month on moisturizer/skin care because I have super sensitive skin. I wear comfy clothes and I'm always casually dressed. I am overweight and don't make time for exercise.

If you want your wife to keep prioritizing her appearance, you can't begrudge her that investment. And shoot, $100/month for her to occasionally buy a food treat for herself is nothing!

And. You probably look like crap which men will divorce so keep up your appearance or be single but it's an investment

Sad that you think the only thing keeping your husband in your marriage is your appearance.

What will happen if one of you is disabled? Has a stroke? Is disfigured by disease or injury?

What a sad excuse for a marriage…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm the odd person out because I think this spending is frivolous and wasteful, particularly for a SAHM. The lunches and coffees make sense because that's good for her mental health. All the rest can be done at home much more inexpensively.

Did she think she was going to be able to quit her job and not have to adjust the purse strings at all?

She does have a job actually--and it's probably a lot harder than his job. And no, she shouldn't be expected to cut back because she no longer works for an employer. She is a mom, she deserves some breaks and her own spending money, he shouldn't have a say. I think he's cheap and wants to push her to go back to formal employment.

Working mom here and I agree. Being an engaged parent 24/7 is a lot of effort. I’m glad OP is recognizing this. I hope he’s also giving her breaks beyond a pedicure here and there.

It’s also way more isolating than working. During my maternity leaves I went to the mall and out for coffee all the time so I had a reason to leave the house that was not going to the park. I would try hard to be respectful of that.

You guys don’t have a very high income to live in Bethesda. This is going to take a lot of vigilance from both of you but it’s not your job to micromanage her. You are still her spouse and NOT her employer. If you aren’t saving enough or whatever ask her to cut back $400 a month or whatever but don’t tell her how to do that. You trust her to care for your kids, can’t you trust her with your SHARED money? You guys need to agree on your goals and then let her deal with her end of it. I got tired of spending $$$ on kids clothes that got ruined but I don’t live in Bethesda anymore so it isn’t weird that my kids wear amazon brand and stuff. She can figure this out.

We live in Bethesda on this income just fine. Our kids wear Amazon and Carter’s and Target clothes. OP’s wife is falling victim to lifestyle inflation. You don’t have to waste money, you don’t have to get Botox, you don’t have to have a fresh manicure, you don’t need to have expensive highlights and Botox. You don’t have to spend hundreds on clothes each month to look nice. These are luxuries, not necessities. OP’s wife is used to having more money and needs to adjust, and this has zero to do with living in Bethesda - the pressure exists everywhere. And there’s plenty of practical, frugal people here who don’t feel that a weekly manicure is something a SAHP is entitled to.

I’m the PP you are responding to and of course you *can* live on this income in Bethesda but what I said was it’s going to take a lot of effort because the people around you are going to have more. We have double this HHI and live in Rockville for a variety of reasons, one of which is I grew up poorer than all my peers (though not poor, by any stretch of the imagination) and hated it. I don’t know how old your kids are but it gets harder when they are older and asking to do activities and have the same clothes as their friends. If OPs wife goes back to work they will be fine but I doubt that’s a certainty regardless of what she says.

Why should she go back to work? What’s with this pressuring women to stop being SAHMs when kids are out of preschool? She probably doesn’t plan to go back to work and that’s more than ok and should be normalized (which thankfully it is nowadays).

Oh my god, all I said is if she goes back to work and they have their previous HHI they will not have to be so careful with their budget. I have no opinion on whether she should or not but I think OP is counting on that $ and I don’t think that’s smart, based on what I see. I don’t care! But they should be on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm the odd person out because I think this spending is frivolous and wasteful, particularly for a SAHM. The lunches and coffees make sense because that's good for her mental health. All the rest can be done at home much more inexpensively.

Did she think she was going to be able to quit her job and not have to adjust the purse strings at all?

She does have a job actually--and it's probably a lot harder than his job. And no, she shouldn't be expected to cut back because she no longer works for an employer. She is a mom, she deserves some breaks and her own spending money, he shouldn't have a say. I think he's cheap and wants to push her to go back to formal employment.

Working mom here and I agree. Being an engaged parent 24/7 is a lot of effort. I’m glad OP is recognizing this. I hope he’s also giving her breaks beyond a pedicure here and there.

It’s also way more isolating than working. During my maternity leaves I went to the mall and out for coffee all the time so I had a reason to leave the house that was not going to the park. I would try hard to be respectful of that.

You guys don’t have a very high income to live in Bethesda. This is going to take a lot of vigilance from both of you but it’s not your job to micromanage her. You are still her spouse and NOT her employer. If you aren’t saving enough or whatever ask her to cut back $400 a month or whatever but don’t tell her how to do that. You trust her to care for your kids, can’t you trust her with your SHARED money? You guys need to agree on your goals and then let her deal with her end of it. I got tired of spending $$$ on kids clothes that got ruined but I don’t live in Bethesda anymore so it isn’t weird that my kids wear amazon brand and stuff. She can figure this out.

We live in Bethesda on this income just fine. Our kids wear Amazon and Carter’s and Target clothes. OP’s wife is falling victim to lifestyle inflation. You don’t have to waste money, you don’t have to get Botox, you don’t have to have a fresh manicure, you don’t need to have expensive highlights and Botox. You don’t have to spend hundreds on clothes each month to look nice. These are luxuries, not necessities. OP’s wife is used to having more money and needs to adjust, and this has zero to do with living in Bethesda - the pressure exists everywhere. And there’s plenty of practical, frugal people here who don’t feel that a weekly manicure is something a SAHP is entitled to.

I’m the PP you are responding to and of course you *can* live on this income in Bethesda but what I said was it’s going to take a lot of effort because the people around you are going to have more. We have double this HHI and live in Rockville for a variety of reasons, one of which is I grew up poorer than all my peers (though not poor, by any stretch of the imagination) and hated it. I don’t know how old your kids are but it gets harder when they are older and asking to do activities and have the same clothes as their friends. If OPs wife goes back to work they will be fine but I doubt that’s a certainty regardless of what she says.

Why should she go back to work? What’s with this pressuring women to stop being SAHMs when kids are out of preschool? She probably doesn’t plan to go back to work and that’s more than ok and should be normalized (which thankfully it is nowadays).

If she wants to keep spending this way, she has to go back to work.

[Anonymous]

I think it’d be easy to trim this budget yes and I am woman who makes a lot more than you. But I realize that I am unusual in this area. $270 a month for you both at the gym for example seems like a lot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm the odd person out because I think this spending is frivolous and wasteful, particularly for a SAHM. The lunches and coffees make sense because that's good for her mental health. All the rest can be done at home much more inexpensively.

Did she think she was going to be able to quit her job and not have to adjust the purse strings at all?

She does have a job actually--and it's probably a lot harder than his job. And no, she shouldn't be expected to cut back because she no longer works for an employer. She is a mom, she deserves some breaks and her own spending money, he shouldn't have a say. I think he's cheap and wants to push her to go back to formal employment.

lololol

Just 'cause you're a crappy parent, doesn't mean everyone else is. And/or just because your kids are easy doesn't mean many of us don't have SN kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy here, nothing there is a red flag by any stretch.

+1 And please don't try to compare what you as a man spend to what is normal for a woman. We have a lot of double standards to live up to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The details in your posts are strange. You guys go to different gyms? Spending less than $100 per year on everything including hair cuts for you sounds crazy low. My husband visits a barber and spends more than that per year. You never replace clothes? Good mens shoes are very expensive. Why is none of that on your list but once a year massages on hers?

Yeah, I'm curious about where the comparison budget was. How much does OP spend on clothes, shoes, shaving products, etc.? But also (and bear with me as I lean into gender stereotypes) how much does OP spend on things that he says are for the house but are really just for him? I, for example, could definitely live without an Alexa in every room, a giant TV, every possible streaming service, the latest in greatest gadgets, etc.

DP: This made me laugh. The amount of stuff DH spends money on that I could cut cold turkey this instant is a long, long list. But how many men would really be OK if his wife wore ill fitting clothes and stopped going to the gym, getting hair cuts, and taking basic care of her skin?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The details in your posts are strange. You guys go to different gyms? Spending less than $100 per year on everything including hair cuts for you sounds crazy low. My husband visits a barber and spends more than that per year. You never replace clothes? Good mens shoes are very expensive. Why is none of that on your list but once a year massages on hers?

Yeah, I'm curious about where the comparison budget was. How much does OP spend on clothes, shoes, shaving products, etc.? But also (and bear with me as I lean into gender stereotypes) how much does OP spend on things that he says are for the house but are really just for him? I, for example, could definitely live without an Alexa in every room, a giant TV, every possible streaming service, the latest in greatest gadgets, etc.

DP: This made me laugh. The amount of stuff DH spends money on that I could cut cold turkey this instant is a long, long list. But how many men would really be OK if his wife wore ill fitting clothes and stopped going to the gym, getting hair cuts, and taking basic care of her skin?

Right? Same men complaining about how long their wives take to shower and get ready but expect them to have shaved legs and a face of makeup and blown out long hair.

[Anonymous]

Let her manage her own spending.

But you should sit down together to review overall budget/spending and decide together how to allocate money.