Wife’s routine spending - what is normal?

[Anonymous]

Oh my god this is why I suggest women don’t give up their jobs— so they can leave selfish misers if they need to.

Her sizes changed. She breastfed? She needs new clothes and bras. That’s *all* clothes btw, swimsuits and fancy weddings and even shoes, pregnancy changes your body. It’s very nice you weren’t that partner in childbearing but it’s gross you begrudge her decent quality clothing that fits.

Skincare can include Rx, can include all kinds of things so your number isn’t meaningful.

You’re not volunteering to shop for your kids clothes and shoes are you? Resell them on poshmark in your spare time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my god this is why I suggest women don’t give up their jobs— so they can leave selfish misers if they need to.

Her sizes changed. She breastfed? She needs new clothes and bras. That’s *all* clothes btw, swimsuits and fancy weddings and even shoes, pregnancy changes your body. It’s very nice you weren’t that partner in childbearing but it’s gross you begrudge her decent quality clothing that fits.

Skincare can include Rx, can include all kinds of things so your number isn’t meaningful.

You’re not volunteering to shop for your kids clothes and shoes are you? Resell them on poshmark in your spare time?

No one’s kids need Boden clothes. They are a status symbol. They are a luxury, and much cheaper brands exist. And how does anyone need to spend 200-300 a month on skincare? That’s nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm the odd person out because I think this spending is frivolous and wasteful, particularly for a SAHM. The lunches and coffees make sense because that's good for her mental health. All the rest can be done at home much more inexpensively.

Did she think she was going to be able to quit her job and not have to adjust the purse strings at all?

She does have a job actually--and it's probably a lot harder than his job. And no, she shouldn't be expected to cut back because she no longer works for an employer. She is a mom, she deserves some breaks and her own spending money, he shouldn't have a say. I think he's cheap and wants to push her to go back to formal employment.

Working mom here and I agree. Being an engaged parent 24/7 is a lot of effort. I’m glad OP is recognizing this. I hope he’s also giving her breaks beyond a pedicure here and there.

It’s also way more isolating than working. During my maternity leaves I went to the mall and out for coffee all the time so I had a reason to leave the house that was not going to the park. I would try hard to be respectful of that.

You guys don’t have a very high income to live in Bethesda. This is going to take a lot of vigilance from both of you but it’s not your job to micromanage her. You are still her spouse and NOT her employer. If you aren’t saving enough or whatever ask her to cut back $400 a month or whatever but don’t tell her how to do that. You trust her to care for your kids, can’t you trust her with your SHARED money? You guys need to agree on your goals and then let her deal with her end of it. I got tired of spending $$$ on kids clothes that got ruined but I don’t live in Bethesda anymore so it isn’t weird that my kids wear amazon brand and stuff. She can figure this out.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I agree. If you want her to reduce spending, cut it down to a monthly amount and let her decide what she does with it. I personally cut way back on spending on myself when I didn't work outside of home with little kids, as you don't need very fancy clothes/bags/jewelry or full face of makeup with a fresh hairdo to run a house. At least I didn't. I didn't wear any jewelry for a while since little kids grab everything (after a broken necklace).

[Anonymous]

For the people criticizing her skin care costs - some people have terrible skin. I wrote above that I spend much more on hair - I have ethnic hair and started going gray in my 20s; no way could I color my own hair. Some people have back problems and really need the massages. Whatever. Just figure out a general budget and give her leeway. Her budget will not look like yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm the odd person out because I think this spending is frivolous and wasteful, particularly for a SAHM. The lunches and coffees make sense because that's good for her mental health. All the rest can be done at home much more inexpensively.

Did she think she was going to be able to quit her job and not have to adjust the purse strings at all?

She does have a job actually--and it's probably a lot harder than his job. And no, she shouldn't be expected to cut back because she no longer works for an employer. She is a mom, she deserves some breaks and her own spending money, he shouldn't have a say. I think he's cheap and wants to push her to go back to formal employment.

Working mom here and I agree. Being an engaged parent 24/7 is a lot of effort. I’m glad OP is recognizing this. I hope he’s also giving her breaks beyond a pedicure here and there.

It’s also way more isolating than working. During my maternity leaves I went to the mall and out for coffee all the time so I had a reason to leave the house that was not going to the park. I would try hard to be respectful of that.

You guys don’t have a very high income to live in Bethesda. This is going to take a lot of vigilance from both of you but it’s not your job to micromanage her. You are still her spouse and NOT her employer. If you aren’t saving enough or whatever ask her to cut back $400 a month or whatever but don’t tell her how to do that. You trust her to care for your kids, can’t you trust her with your SHARED money? You guys need to agree on your goals and then let her deal with her end of it. I got tired of spending $$$ on kids clothes that got ruined but I don’t live in Bethesda anymore so it isn’t weird that my kids wear amazon brand and stuff. She can figure this out.

We live in Bethesda on this income just fine. Our kids wear Amazon and Carter’s and Target clothes. OP’s wife is falling victim to lifestyle inflation. You don’t have to waste money, you don’t have to get Botox, you don’t have to have a fresh manicure, you don’t need to have expensive highlights and Botox. You don’t have to spend hundreds on clothes each month to look nice. These are luxuries, not necessities. OP’s wife is used to having more money and needs to adjust, and this has zero to do with living in Bethesda - the pressure exists everywhere. And there’s plenty of practical, frugal people here who don’t feel that a weekly manicure is something a SAHP is entitled to.

[Anonymous]

She needs to cut the mani-pedis and luxury bags. Who is she trying to impress? If she’s been buying bags for years she probably has one or two nice ones for every season already and doesn’t need to mindlessly accumulate more.

And if she wants a break then you should absolutely give her a break for a free/cheap activity like a walk or coffee with friends. Nobody needs a mani-pedi for a break.

Champagne tastes on a beer budget. You do not have the HHI for this.

And I agree with PPs who say she will never go back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the people criticizing her skin care costs - some people have terrible skin. I wrote above that I spend much more on hair - I have ethnic hair and started going gray in my 20s; no way could I color my own hair. Some people have back problems and really need the massages. Whatever. Just figure out a general budget and give her leeway. Her budget will not look like yours.

No one needs to spend 300 a month on skincare. You’re just paying for luxury brands if you are or you get fillers or
Botox.

[Anonymous]

Didn't read all the replies. Former SAHM after having my child. Returned to work when she was three.

One thing to discuss is that you are saving for her retirement, too. That at this time, she isn't contributing toward her 401k. this is what stood out to me, when I was buying pretty close to what your wife currently spends.

It is a lot of pressure for one person to be financially responsible for the whole family.

[Anonymous]

It’s HIS job to support the family and not be a miser. She is saving him 100k as a pp said. The least he could do is be ok with her getting a predicure and buying boden clothes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the people criticizing her skin care costs - some people have terrible skin. I wrote above that I spend much more on hair - I have ethnic hair and started going gray in my 20s; no way could I color my own hair. Some people have back problems and really need the massages. Whatever. Just figure out a general budget and give her leeway. Her budget will not look like yours.

No one needs to spend 300 a month on skincare. You’re just paying for luxury brands if you are or you get fillers or
Botox.

It’s $300 every few months. I’m going to guess this includes makeup, hair products, etc.
She probably doesn’t shop for this stuff monthly.

No. She doesn’t need it. But cutting this out is hardly going to make a difference in their budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s HIS job to support the family and not be a miser. She is saving him 100k as a pp said. The least he could do is be ok with her getting a predicure and buying boden clothes.

I don’t think he’s objecting to any particular expenditure, just saying that everything adding up is more than he’s comfortable with spending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Still reading all your responses.

Re: her becoming a SAHM. I was worried at first about her giving up a pretty well paid job and having a hard time going back to that salary level. We had a nanny for the first year and half. Neither my wife nor I loved it - she kept the baby alive and safe but that was about it, didn’t cook, do that many activities, or read (she barely could speak English). And this wasn’t a cheap nanny! After base payu, healthcare, PTO, etc it was a hefty sum. My wife was making a little over 200k at the time so yes we could afford it, but she didn’t enjoy her job and thought she could provide better care.

Now that I’ve seen the difference between how much my wife does and the nanny - who pretty much just took the baby out on walks while being on her phone, and sitting at parks - I totally support her staying a SAHM until the second is ready for preschool. Our kids are doing really well and my wife keeps a great routine, my work is rarely interrupted the way it still was with the nanny (sick, vacation, holidays…) I just wish we could be more frugal.

Yeah, some of this is the dynamic changing now that I’m the only one working, but overall expenses are increasing. Like I said before I don’t micromanage her nor does she me, we’re doing this exercise for the first time after the second kid and me thinking ahead to to college savings, double preschool, etc. We have joint finances so my expenses were also looked at. I don’t want to be stingy with her because I can tell what she does now is a lot harder than her previous desk job. In the course of us discussing this she did say she feels the self care categories are keeping her sane / refreshed from all the childcare.

After reading how many responses here say this isn’t too abnormal, I think I won’t make a big deal out of it.

Curious to hear from husbands of women who quit a well paid job to stay at home after kids. How did the dynamic of your financial relationship change , if at all. Did you feel more compelled to check /monitor your wife’s spending as the sole earner.

My husband starts to feel compelled to monitor my spending whenever there is a major life shift. I would say that having a new baby and your wife quitting her job qualifies as a major life shift. We have an HHI of $500k, and he will worry about whether we can afford Hulu. We moved recently, and he wouldn’t let me get my hair cut and wanted to cancel our son’s tenth birthday party. It feels really irrational to me.

What makes more sense is to come up with an actual budget for your family. Here is a budget from whitecoatinvestor:

Another Good Budget for an Attending

Income $300K

Fixed Expenses

Taxes $70K
Housing $36K
Utilities $7K
Insurance $6K
Student loan payments $15K
Total $134K


Variable Expenses

Retirement $60K
Charity $30K
Auto savings $8K
Vacation savings $10K
College savings $15K
Food $12K
Gas $8K
Everything else $23K
Total $166K

This budget has “everything else” meaning entertainment, kids activities, clothes for the family, furniture, electronics, etc. at $23k. It might be that your wife spending $10k on personal stuff is a disproportionate amount of your disposable income, or it might be fine.

[Anonymous]

Divorce.


She is a spender. Their mindset will never change. If you think $200/mo on gyms is normal, you’re out of your goddamn minds. Anyone who says that is normal is a spender. Period. Spenders are the most toxic people on the planet.

Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

I spend $1500 a month on gym and spa memberships. It's all realtive to one's wealth, naturally.