No playdates because other siblings won't have a friend

[Anonymous]

Thank you, PPs. I feel like I’m going crazy reading this thread. Do all of the previous responders have very young kids? Of course kids want to see their friends, no child wants to (or SHOULD want to) only play with their siblings. It’s fun to go over friends houses and have friends at their houses! I would be concerned if my children only wanted to play at home and had no interest in spending free time with friends!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hang on. We’re a multi-child family, but the kids need play dates. Apparently kids generally need at a minimum 1-2 play dates a week of a minimum of 2 hrs each. https://blog.lowellschool.org/blog/ups-and-downs-of-friendship-in-elementary-school. The kids don’t need their mothers at the play dates, nor should they be mean to siblings, but they don’t not need friends.

+1. OP -- all these comments from people saying that multi-kid families don't care about playdates absolutely does NOT track with my IRL experience now that my kids are in elementary. This multi-kid family does playdates (and sees value in them) regularly. My kids love having their friends over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you have to understand if you are trying to arrange playdates with families with 2-3 kids, is that they do not care about having the playdate. It's nothing against your kid or you, it's just that they don't care/the playdate is an inconvenience. Most kids do fewer playdates these days than you did when you were a child. They are busy with sports, lessons, tutors, etc. And both parents work. They don't have time and they don't need the playdate because their kids have each other (and soccer practice, and piano lesson, etc). Playdates will only occur if it really works for them, and if you put a ton of restrictions on it, then it doesn't work. Sign your only child up for more activities. Meeting at the park won't work much longer anyway as they get too old.

This. Look, OP. What you are asking for is actually logistically difficult! Say I have three children and your child wants 1:1 with my child, at my house. So I have to find a time when your child are is available, and when my child is at home with a parent to supervise, and I also have to figure out playdates or other activities for my other children because your child doesn't like them to join. If the other children are on playdates at other houses, figuring out how to drop them off and pick them up while also supervising your child in our home can be a puzzle. And if I can't figure out two additional simultaneous playdates or they fall through, then my other children will be home and are likely to feel left out and cause conflict and pester me the whole time. Maybe they shouldn't, but realistically, they do. And frankly, I would prefer for my kids to have the experience of a multi-age playdate rather than isolating them during the playdate. I think multi-age play is beneficial, so I see no reason to exclude them.

Your child is not so desirable that playing with her 1:1 is worth me jumping through all of these hoops! It's far, far easier to invite someone who plays well with others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang on. We’re a multi-child family, but the kids need play dates. Apparently kids generally need at a minimum 1-2 play dates a week of a minimum of 2 hrs each. https://blog.lowellschool.org/blog/ups-and-downs-of-friendship-in-elementary-school. The kids don’t need their mothers at the play dates, nor should they be mean to siblings, but they don’t not need friends.

+1. OP -- all these comments from people saying that multi-kid families don't care about playdates absolutely does NOT track with my IRL experience now that my kids are in elementary. This multi-kid family does playdates (and sees value in them) regularly. My kids love having their friends over.

Seriously, I'm wondering how some of these PP's kids are going to survive in college and adulthood when they have to socialize with people other than their siblings!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that taking the kids to the zoo feels like an exclusive playdate. Unless you specified it was just for the one kid, I think it's understandable that she brought both kids.

This is why. Two friends and a 3rd wheel sibling who was a major downer. (I am not OP)

"friend's older brother, who was 12 and very bored and complaining the whole time...."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang on. We’re a multi-child family, but the kids need play dates. Apparently kids generally need at a minimum 1-2 play dates a week of a minimum of 2 hrs each. https://blog.lowellschool.org/blog/ups-and-downs-of-friendship-in-elementary-school. The kids don’t need their mothers at the play dates, nor should they be mean to siblings, but they don’t not need friends.

+1. OP -- all these comments from people saying that multi-kid families don't care about playdates absolutely does NOT track with my IRL experience now that my kids are in elementary. This multi-kid family does playdates (and sees value in them) regularly. My kids love having their friends over.

Seriously, I'm wondering how some of these PP's kids are going to survive in college and adulthood when they have to socialize with people other than their siblings!

Nobody's saying don't socialize at all! But kids get social interaction at recess and aftercare, through their various activities, when they are invited on playdates, and --gasp-- when a sibling has a friend over. And with their cousins, and family friends. So it's enough already. The question is: do I motivate to host a playdate for a kid who wants it to be 1:1, when I could just as easily schedule a playdate with a sibling pair or a kid who plays well with all? Hmmmm...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that taking the kids to the zoo feels like an exclusive playdate. Unless you specified it was just for the one kid, I think it's understandable that she brought both kids.

This is why. Two friends and a 3rd wheel sibling who was a major downer. (I am not OP)

"friend's older brother, who was 12 and very bored and complaining the whole time...."

Well yes, but nobody would do that without a good reason. So I would think she has her reasons. Maybe she needed to drop him off somewhere afterwards, for example. Or maybe he lost his staying-home privileges for being a pain so he's experiencing consequences. Or maybe he said he wanted to come but then whined about it. Totally normal for tweens to do that, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang on. We’re a multi-child family, but the kids need play dates. Apparently kids generally need at a minimum 1-2 play dates a week of a minimum of 2 hrs each. https://blog.lowellschool.org/blog/ups-and-downs-of-friendship-in-elementary-school. The kids don’t need their mothers at the play dates, nor should they be mean to siblings, but they don’t not need friends.

+1. OP -- all these comments from people saying that multi-kid families don't care about playdates absolutely does NOT track with my IRL experience now that my kids are in elementary. This multi-kid family does playdates (and sees value in them) regularly. My kids love having their friends over.

Seriously, I'm wondering how some of these PP's kids are going to survive in college and adulthood when they have to socialize with people other than their siblings!

Nobody's saying don't socialize at all! But kids get social interaction at recess and aftercare, through their various activities, when they are invited on playdates, and --gasp-- when a sibling has a friend over. And with their cousins, and family friends. So it's enough already. The question is: do I motivate to host a playdate for a kid who wants it to be 1:1, when I could just as easily schedule a playdate with a sibling pair or a kid who plays well with all? Hmmmm...

Reread the thread. That is not the tone of many of the replies. The replies were "my kids have their own built-in playmates and don't need extra socialization with playdates" and "we don't have time to coordinate logistics for playdates because we're too busy with all of our kids." Not everyone, but that was the tone in much of the thread. Of course nobody wants a kid in the house that's going to be exclusive and cause drama, but the thread turned into playdates vs. no playdates, not just the who and how of playdates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang on. We’re a multi-child family, but the kids need play dates. Apparently kids generally need at a minimum 1-2 play dates a week of a minimum of 2 hrs each. https://blog.lowellschool.org/blog/ups-and-downs-of-friendship-in-elementary-school. The kids don’t need their mothers at the play dates, nor should they be mean to siblings, but they don’t not need friends.

+1. OP -- all these comments from people saying that multi-kid families don't care about playdates absolutely does NOT track with my IRL experience now that my kids are in elementary. This multi-kid family does playdates (and sees value in them) regularly. My kids love having their friends over.

Seriously, I'm wondering how some of these PP's kids are going to survive in college and adulthood when they have to socialize with people other than their siblings!

Nobody's saying don't socialize at all! But kids get social interaction at recess and aftercare, through their various activities, when they are invited on playdates, and --gasp-- when a sibling has a friend over. And with their cousins, and family friends. So it's enough already. The question is: do I motivate to host a playdate for a kid who wants it to be 1:1, when I could just as easily schedule a playdate with a sibling pair or a kid who plays well with all? Hmmmm...

Reread the thread. That is not the tone of many of the replies. The replies were "my kids have their own built-in playmates and don't need extra socialization with playdates" and "we don't have time to coordinate logistics for playdates because we're too busy with all of our kids." Not everyone, but that was the tone in much of the thread. Of course nobody wants a kid in the house that's going to be exclusive and cause drama, but the thread turned into playdates vs. no playdates, not just the who and how of playdates.

Yeah, several PPs were advising OP that multi-child families don't do playdates because they don't "need" to since the siblings are each others playmates. So odd, and not true in my experience at all. Kids need friends too. Play at recess and even aftercare is not the same...nourish and build the friendships started there with playdates. Most of the families I know, do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang on. We’re a multi-child family, but the kids need play dates. Apparently kids generally need at a minimum 1-2 play dates a week of a minimum of 2 hrs each. https://blog.lowellschool.org/blog/ups-and-downs-of-friendship-in-elementary-school. The kids don’t need their mothers at the play dates, nor should they be mean to siblings, but they don’t not need friends.

+1. OP -- all these comments from people saying that multi-kid families don't care about playdates absolutely does NOT track with my IRL experience now that my kids are in elementary. This multi-kid family does playdates (and sees value in them) regularly. My kids love having their friends over.

Seriously, I'm wondering how some of these PP's kids are going to survive in college and adulthood when they have to socialize with people other than their siblings!

Many kids are doing this all the time -- school, playing at aftercare, sports teams and other activities... So sibling/family time can be a weekend priority. Doesn't mean "no playdates" but it's kid and family dependent in terms of how important ppl think that is.

[Anonymous]

I only host kids who don't cause drama between my kids in my house. If one kid has a friend over, I'll make sure they get some time to themselves if they want that, but I'm not going to promise to keep my other kids out of their hair for the entire duration of the playdate. I'm not anti-playdate, but as PPs have said, there are plenty of easier kids who don't require 1:1 with their friend and can play with everyone; I'll invite those kids over instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang on. We’re a multi-child family, but the kids need play dates. Apparently kids generally need at a minimum 1-2 play dates a week of a minimum of 2 hrs each. https://blog.lowellschool.org/blog/ups-and-downs-of-friendship-in-elementary-school. The kids don’t need their mothers at the play dates, nor should they be mean to siblings, but they don’t not need friends.

+1. OP -- all these comments from people saying that multi-kid families don't care about playdates absolutely does NOT track with my IRL experience now that my kids are in elementary. This multi-kid family does playdates (and sees value in them) regularly. My kids love having their friends over.

Seriously, I'm wondering how some of these PP's kids are going to survive in college and adulthood when they have to socialize with people other than their siblings!

Many kids are doing this all the time -- school, playing at aftercare, sports teams and other activities... So sibling/family time can be a weekend priority. Doesn't mean "no playdates" but it's kid and family dependent in terms of how important ppl think that is.

As PPs pointed out, there's a big difference between adult-organized structured activities and unstructured hanging out with friends outside the family. The latter is a skill to cultivate for good mental health and success in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang on. We’re a multi-child family, but the kids need play dates. Apparently kids generally need at a minimum 1-2 play dates a week of a minimum of 2 hrs each. https://blog.lowellschool.org/blog/ups-and-downs-of-friendship-in-elementary-school. The kids don’t need their mothers at the play dates, nor should they be mean to siblings, but they don’t not need friends.

+1. OP -- all these comments from people saying that multi-kid families don't care about playdates absolutely does NOT track with my IRL experience now that my kids are in elementary. This multi-kid family does playdates (and sees value in them) regularly. My kids love having their friends over.

Seriously, I'm wondering how some of these PP's kids are going to survive in college and adulthood when they have to socialize with people other than their siblings!

Many kids are doing this all the time -- school, playing at aftercare, sports teams and other activities... So sibling/family time can be a weekend priority. Doesn't mean "no playdates" but it's kid and family dependent in terms of how important ppl think that is.

Eh, that's how you -- the busy and stretched-thin parent -- want the weekend to look. A typical kid in elementary school wants to have a friend over for some good old unstructured play time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang on. We’re a multi-child family, but the kids need play dates. Apparently kids generally need at a minimum 1-2 play dates a week of a minimum of 2 hrs each. https://blog.lowellschool.org/blog/ups-and-downs-of-friendship-in-elementary-school. The kids don’t need their mothers at the play dates, nor should they be mean to siblings, but they don’t not need friends.

+1. OP -- all these comments from people saying that multi-kid families don't care about playdates absolutely does NOT track with my IRL experience now that my kids are in elementary. This multi-kid family does playdates (and sees value in them) regularly. My kids love having their friends over.

Seriously, I'm wondering how some of these PP's kids are going to survive in college and adulthood when they have to socialize with people other than their siblings!

Many kids are doing this all the time -- school, playing at aftercare, sports teams and other activities... So sibling/family time can be a weekend priority. Doesn't mean "no playdates" but it's kid and family dependent in terms of how important ppl think that is.

Eh, that's how you -- the busy and stretched-thin parent -- want the weekend to look. A typical kid in elementary school wants to have a friend over for some good old unstructured play time.

Indeed. And a typical parent will choose to invite kids who play well with others, not kids who are fussy about wanting 1:1. Just because a family isn't doing playdates *with you* doesn't mean they aren't doing playdates at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang on. We’re a multi-child family, but the kids need play dates. Apparently kids generally need at a minimum 1-2 play dates a week of a minimum of 2 hrs each. https://blog.lowellschool.org/blog/ups-and-downs-of-friendship-in-elementary-school. The kids don’t need their mothers at the play dates, nor should they be mean to siblings, but they don’t not need friends.

+1. OP -- all these comments from people saying that multi-kid families don't care about playdates absolutely does NOT track with my IRL experience now that my kids are in elementary. This multi-kid family does playdates (and sees value in them) regularly. My kids love having their friends over.

Seriously, I'm wondering how some of these PP's kids are going to survive in college and adulthood when they have to socialize with people other than their siblings!

Many kids are doing this all the time -- school, playing at aftercare, sports teams and other activities... So sibling/family time can be a weekend priority. Doesn't mean "no playdates" but it's kid and family dependent in terms of how important ppl think that is.

+1 and throw in birthday parties and down time, leaves less time for playdates some weekends.