No playdates because other siblings won't have a friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Hang on. We’re a multi-child family, but the kids need play dates. Apparently kids generally need at a minimum 1-2 play dates a week of a minimum of 2 hrs each. https://blog.lowellschool.org/blog/ups-and-downs-of-friendship-in-elementary-school. The kids don’t need their mothers at the play dates, nor should they be mean to siblings, but they don’t not need friends.

+1. OP -- all these comments from people saying that multi-kid families don't care about playdates absolutely does NOT track with my IRL experience now that my kids are in elementary. This multi-kid family does playdates (and sees value in them) regularly. My kids love having their friends over.

Seriously, I'm wondering how some of these PP's kids are going to survive in college and adulthood when they have to socialize with people other than their siblings!

I worry less about those people than the ones who have only been hanging out with their parents most of their life. When I got to college you could always tell who the only children were. They asked for single rooms. Couldn't handle roommates. And had more adjustment issues. The kids from larger families did just fine.

I lived in a suite freshman year and by the spring, half of my roommates had left. All had siblings. Perhaps generalizations are just that and people find facts to suit their narrative. And roommates suck. My BFF had a single (and 3 siblings!) and it was worlds better. Not sure why random freshman year roommates should be a litmus test for being a well adjusted person (and I have a sibling as well).

Then i guess the mom worrying about kids from big families can settle down then.

She's not worried about kids from big families. She's worried about kids whose parents don't think they need friends because their siblings can just be their playmates. Keep up.

Who said their kids don't need friends? Nosy mom obviously has too much time on her hands if she's worrying about these families she's invented in her mind.

Saying children with siblings only hang out with siblings is about as absurd as saying only children mostly only hang out with their parents (per PP, above). Kids like to spend time with friends, and most decent parents make an effort to make that happen. Maybe not when they’re very young and maybe not during the end of the school year schedule craziness, but in general. The extreme positions on this thread are exaggerations and most kids are doing perfectly fine, with zero siblings or a handful of them. Nobody should worry about other people’s kids unless they come onto DCUM looking for advice, like OP.

18:58 PP here and totally agree. I think there were just 1-2 posters here who I quoted who saying kids with siblings don’t need to hang out with friends. But they are outliers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I haven't read the whole thread but I'm surprised more posters aren't agreeing with how weird it is to drop off a 5 YEARS OLDER sibling uninvited to a zoo outing. As OP said, of course he's bored, what were you thinking?

It was never stated that th zoo playdate was a dropoff. I think everyone agrees you don't bring an uninvited sibling to a dropoff playdate because the other mom is not some sort of group babysitter.

Also, OP’s kid is 7 and uninvited sibling 12. Not sure where you got the 5 from

Stand corrected, he wasn't dropped off the mom was there too, but I still don't think most 12 year-old boys want to hang out with 7 year-old girls so I don't know why you'd bring him. The 5 was referring to the age difference. If he were 9 it'd make sense.

I have a 6yo daughter and 12yo son. He absolutely would not want to go. He would rather hang out at home playing video games. I can’t think of a time when I dragged him to his kindergarten sister’s play date or outing. Maybe never.

His sister has gone on MANY of his outings though. I used to push her in a stroller and now she walks.

I don't see how a 2yr old at an 8yr old playdate is better? That's just too big of an age gap. I have a 12 yr old boy who would also want to play video games, but I can see having him come along so he got some exercise, fresh air, got away from the video games if he had nothing else going on that day. He wouldn't have to hang out with the younger girls he could walk ahead on his own, look at the the animals, talk to his parent, etc. But ideally one parent takes both girls, not the situation OP described.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang on. We’re a multi-child family, but the kids need play dates. Apparently kids generally need at a minimum 1-2 play dates a week of a minimum of 2 hrs each. https://blog.lowellschool.org/blog/ups-and-downs-of-friendship-in-elementary-school. The kids don’t need their mothers at the play dates, nor should they be mean to siblings, but they don’t not need friends.

+1. OP -- all these comments from people saying that multi-kid families don't care about playdates absolutely does NOT track with my IRL experience now that my kids are in elementary. This multi-kid family does playdates (and sees value in them) regularly. My kids love having their friends over.

Seriously, I'm wondering how some of these PP's kids are going to survive in college and adulthood when they have to socialize with people other than their siblings!

Many kids are doing this all the time -- school, playing at aftercare, sports teams and other activities... So sibling/family time can be a weekend priority. Doesn't mean "no playdates" but it's kid and family dependent in terms of how important ppl think that is.

As PPs pointed out, there's a big difference between adult-organized structured activities and unstructured hanging out with friends outside the family. The latter is a skill to cultivate for good mental health and success in life.

But that's what aftercare often is - at ours the default is kids hanging out at the playground next to our elementary schools it's not structured (there aren't enough adults to make it so!)

If your kids are still in aftercare, they're probably pre-K to early elementary. The social dynamics are different when hanging out at someone's house than at the playground, particularly under adult supervision (even if minimal). You'll see when your kids get older.

OP has a 7yo. This chain is about early elementary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang on. We’re a multi-child family, but the kids need play dates. Apparently kids generally need at a minimum 1-2 play dates a week of a minimum of 2 hrs each. https://blog.lowellschool.org/blog/ups-and-downs-of-friendship-in-elementary-school. The kids don’t need their mothers at the play dates, nor should they be mean to siblings, but they don’t not need friends.

+1. OP -- all these comments from people saying that multi-kid families don't care about playdates absolutely does NOT track with my IRL experience now that my kids are in elementary. This multi-kid family does playdates (and sees value in them) regularly. My kids love having their friends over.

Seriously, I'm wondering how some of these PP's kids are going to survive in college and adulthood when they have to socialize with people other than their siblings!

Many kids are doing this all the time -- school, playing at aftercare, sports teams and other activities... So sibling/family time can be a weekend priority. Doesn't mean "no playdates" but it's kid and family dependent in terms of how important ppl think that is.

As PPs pointed out, there's a big difference between adult-organized structured activities and unstructured hanging out with friends outside the family. The latter is a skill to cultivate for good mental health and success in life.

But that's what aftercare often is - at ours the default is kids hanging out at the playground next to our elementary schools it's not structured (there aren't enough adults to make it so!)

If your kids are still in aftercare, they're probably pre-K to early elementary. The social dynamics are different when hanging out at someone's house than at the playground, particularly under adult supervision (even if minimal). You'll see when your kids get older.

OP has a 7yo. This chain is about early elementary.

OP is long gone. This thread is one PP responding to another.

Helpful advice to OP - move to drop off play dates, teach your DD to be kind to siblings if you want her to be invited a second time, and learn to live with being the initiator and doing most of the hosting.

Not helpful advice to OP or anyone - siblings don’t need play dates because they have each other for friends, only children can’t get along and are doomed when they go to college.

Helpful advice to everyone - socialize your kids, teach and practice kindness, don’t generalize based on stereotypes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read the whole thread but I'm surprised more posters aren't agreeing with how weird it is to drop off a 5 YEARS OLDER sibling uninvited to a zoo outing. As OP said, of course he's bored, what were you thinking?

It was never stated that th zoo playdate was a dropoff. I think everyone agrees you don't bring an uninvited sibling to a dropoff playdate because the other mom is not some sort of group babysitter.

Also, OP’s kid is 7 and uninvited sibling 12. Not sure where you got the 5 from

Stand corrected, he wasn't dropped off the mom was there too, but I still don't think most 12 year-old boys want to hang out with 7 year-old girls so I don't know why you'd bring him. The 5 was referring to the age difference. If he were 9 it'd make sense.

I have a 6yo daughter and 12yo son. He absolutely would not want to go. He would rather hang out at home playing video games. I can’t think of a time when I dragged him to his kindergarten sister’s play date or outing. Maybe never.

His sister has gone on MANY of his outings though. I used to push her in a stroller and now she walks.

I don't see how a 2yr old at an 8yr old playdate is better? That's just too big of an age gap. I have a 12 yr old boy who would also want to play video games, but I can see having him come along so he got some exercise, fresh air, got away from the video games if he had nothing else going on that day. He wouldn't have to hang out with the younger girls he could walk ahead on his own, look at the the animals, talk to his parent, etc. But ideally one parent takes both girls, not the situation OP described.

Pp here. I’m a SAHM. Both kids have plenty of play dates and social outings. Just today, 12yo went out with 3 friends while I met up with another mom and her daughters.

When kids were younger, I would take DS on outings and I would bring my daughter.

When DS was younger, we went on lots of outings and I brought the sister. This was before Covid. We went everywhere from museums to zoos to jump places to pools. I take kids to our country club. DS hangs out with his friends while I entertain my my daughter.

[Anonymous]

Pp again. Dunno why there were so many typos. I would never drop off the younger sister with older brother on a play date. Of course they were drop off. I hosted a lot pre Covid when my daughter was younger. Then Covid happened.

The play dates I would bring the daughter were with families where I was friends with the mom. I would hang with mom, DS would hang out with his friend(s) and my daughter would usually be happy playing with someone else’s toys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read the whole thread but I'm surprised more posters aren't agreeing with how weird it is to drop off a 5 YEARS OLDER sibling uninvited to a zoo outing. As OP said, of course he's bored, what were you thinking?

It was never stated that th zoo playdate was a dropoff. I think everyone agrees you don't bring an uninvited sibling to a dropoff playdate because the other mom is not some sort of group babysitter.

Also, OP’s kid is 7 and uninvited sibling 12. Not sure where you got the 5 from

Stand corrected, he wasn't dropped off the mom was there too, but I still don't think most 12 year-old boys want to hang out with 7 year-old girls so I don't know why you'd bring him. The 5 was referring to the age difference. If he were 9 it'd make sense.

I have a 6yo daughter and 12yo son. He absolutely would not want to go. He would rather hang out at home playing video games. I can’t think of a time when I dragged him to his kindergarten sister’s play date or outing. Maybe never.

His sister has gone on MANY of his outings though. I used to push her in a stroller and now she walks.

I don't see how a 2yr old at an 8yr old playdate is better? That's just too big of an age gap. I have a 12 yr old boy who would also want to play video games, but I can see having him come along so he got some exercise, fresh air, got away from the video games if he had nothing else going on that day. He wouldn't have to hang out with the younger girls he could walk ahead on his own, look at the the animals, talk to his parent, etc. But ideally one parent takes both girls, not the situation OP described.

Pp here. I’m a SAHM. Both kids have plenty of play dates and social outings. Just today, 12yo went out with 3 friends while I met up with another mom and her daughters.

When kids were younger, I would take DS on outings and I would bring my daughter.

When DS was younger, we went on lots of outings and I brought the sister. This was before Covid. We went everywhere from museums to zoos to jump places to pools. I take kids to our country club. DS hangs out with his friends while I entertain my my daughter.

Ok? 12 year olds aren’t too old for the zoo. They are still kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read the whole thread but I'm surprised more posters aren't agreeing with how weird it is to drop off a 5 YEARS OLDER sibling uninvited to a zoo outing. As OP said, of course he's bored, what were you thinking?

It was never stated that th zoo playdate was a dropoff. I think everyone agrees you don't bring an uninvited sibling to a dropoff playdate because the other mom is not some sort of group babysitter.

Also, OP’s kid is 7 and uninvited sibling 12. Not sure where you got the 5 from

Stand corrected, he wasn't dropped off the mom was there too, but I still don't think most 12 year-old boys want to hang out with 7 year-old girls so I don't know why you'd bring him. The 5 was referring to the age difference. If he were 9 it'd make sense.

I have a 6yo daughter and 12yo son. He absolutely would not want to go. He would rather hang out at home playing video games. I can’t think of a time when I dragged him to his kindergarten sister’s play date or outing. Maybe never.

His sister has gone on MANY of his outings though. I used to push her in a stroller and now she walks.

I don't see how a 2yr old at an 8yr old playdate is better? That's just too big of an age gap. I have a 12 yr old boy who would also want to play video games, but I can see having him come along so he got some exercise, fresh air, got away from the video games if he had nothing else going on that day. He wouldn't have to hang out with the younger girls he could walk ahead on his own, look at the the animals, talk to his parent, etc. But ideally one parent takes both girls, not the situation OP described.

Pp here. I’m a SAHM. Both kids have plenty of play dates and social outings. Just today, 12yo went out with 3 friends while I met up with another mom and her daughters.

When kids were younger, I would take DS on outings and I would bring my daughter.

When DS was younger, we went on lots of outings and I brought the sister. This was before Covid. We went everywhere from museums to zoos to jump places to pools. I take kids to our country club. DS hangs out with his friends while I entertain my my daughter.

Ok? 12 year olds aren’t too old for the zoo. They are still kids.

I didn’t say they were too old. I just said my 12yo may never have gone on an outing or play date for his baby sister. Before Covid, I would only do play dates for her when he was in school. During Covid, I would go out with her if he was in virtual school. Now that they are both in elementary, he would not want to tag along on the very few outings I have done with her and her kindergarten friend. We have mostly done home or playground play dates for this one year of elementary. My son was old enough to stay home.

[Anonymous]

Bringing siblings to a public place is totally normal and expected.

Bringing younger siblings to a play date where mom is staying is also normal.

Bringing older siblings not normal if drop off age.

I think OP’s complaint is that others are not inviting her child.

[Anonymous]

I posted previously. My very social middle child has a few friends who are onlies. His best friend from preschool is an only and he had a good friend in early elementary who was also an only. Both these friends hosted my son ALL the time, inviting him on outings and sleepovers and even vacations. We declined on sleepovers and vacations but allowed him to go over for play dates and local outings.

You just have to accept that you are able to host more. You don’t have conflicts with other kids’ schedules.

My three kids are all busy with sports and activities. While it is fairly easy to drop off my kid, it is harder to plan in advance to host. We do host but it is mostly impromptu play dates before or after carpooling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang on. We’re a multi-child family, but the kids need play dates. Apparently kids generally need at a minimum 1-2 play dates a week of a minimum of 2 hrs each. https://blog.lowellschool.org/blog/ups-and-downs-of-friendship-in-elementary-school. The kids don’t need their mothers at the play dates, nor should they be mean to siblings, but they don’t not need friends.

+1. OP -- all these comments from people saying that multi-kid families don't care about playdates absolutely does NOT track with my IRL experience now that my kids are in elementary. This multi-kid family does playdates (and sees value in them) regularly. My kids love having their friends over.

Seriously, I'm wondering how some of these PP's kids are going to survive in college and adulthood when they have to socialize with people other than their siblings!

Many kids are doing this all the time -- school, playing at aftercare, sports teams and other activities... So sibling/family time can be a weekend priority. Doesn't mean "no playdates" but it's kid and family dependent in terms of how important ppl think that is.

As PPs pointed out, there's a big difference between adult-organized structured activities and unstructured hanging out with friends outside the family. The latter is a skill to cultivate for good mental health and success in life.

But that's what aftercare often is - at ours the default is kids hanging out at the playground next to our elementary schools it's not structured (there aren't enough adults to make it so!)

If your kids are still in aftercare, they're probably pre-K to early elementary. The social dynamics are different when hanging out at someone's house than at the playground, particularly under adult supervision (even if minimal). You'll see when your kids get older.

OP has a 7yo. This chain is about early elementary.

OP is long gone. This thread is one PP responding to another.

Helpful advice to OP - move to drop off play dates, teach your DD to be kind to siblings if you want her to be invited a second time, and learn to live with being the initiator and doing most of the hosting.

Not helpful advice to OP or anyone - siblings don’t need play dates because they have each other for friends, only children can’t get along and are doomed when they go to college.

Helpful advice to everyone - socialize your kids, teach and practice kindness, don’t generalize based on stereotypes.

Is anyone saying outright that siblings don't need anyone else? This thread is so long... What I got from people talking about their children playing together is that the impetus to make playdates is different. One party (the parents if onlies) will want the playdate more. It's a power imbalance. That is relevant to OP's question. It directly answers why the other parents care less, and invite less than OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang on. We’re a multi-child family, but the kids need play dates. Apparently kids generally need at a minimum 1-2 play dates a week of a minimum of 2 hrs each. https://blog.lowellschool.org/blog/ups-and-downs-of-friendship-in-elementary-school. The kids don’t need their mothers at the play dates, nor should they be mean to siblings, but they don’t not need friends.

+1. OP -- all these comments from people saying that multi-kid families don't care about playdates absolutely does NOT track with my IRL experience now that my kids are in elementary. This multi-kid family does playdates (and sees value in them) regularly. My kids love having their friends over.

Seriously, I'm wondering how some of these PP's kids are going to survive in college and adulthood when they have to socialize with people other than their siblings!

Many kids are doing this all the time -- school, playing at aftercare, sports teams and other activities... So sibling/family time can be a weekend priority. Doesn't mean "no playdates" but it's kid and family dependent in terms of how important ppl think that is.

As PPs pointed out, there's a big difference between adult-organized structured activities and unstructured hanging out with friends outside the family. The latter is a skill to cultivate for good mental health and success in life.

But that's what aftercare often is - at ours the default is kids hanging out at the playground next to our elementary schools it's not structured (there aren't enough adults to make it so!)

If your kids are still in aftercare, they're probably pre-K to early elementary. The social dynamics are different when hanging out at someone's house than at the playground, particularly under adult supervision (even if minimal). You'll see when your kids get older.

OP has a 7yo. This chain is about early elementary.

OP is long gone. This thread is one PP responding to another.

Helpful advice to OP - move to drop off play dates, teach your DD to be kind to siblings if you want her to be invited a second time, and learn to live with being the initiator and doing most of the hosting.

Not helpful advice to OP or anyone - siblings don’t need play dates because they have each other for friends, only children can’t get along and are doomed when they go to college.

Helpful advice to everyone - socialize your kids, teach and practice kindness, don’t generalize based on stereotypes.

Is anyone saying outright that siblings don't need anyone else? This thread is so long... What I got from people talking about their children playing together is that the impetus to make playdates is different. One party (the parents if onlies) will want the playdate more. It's a power imbalance. That is relevant to OP's question. It directly answers why the other parents care less, and invite less than OP.

+1 I don't think anyone is saying no play dates.

More that playdates are not a huge priority for everyone, so they want to do them with families that make it easy. That can happen due to same age siblings or just the vibe of the specific kid or family.

Getting together with one specific kid is probably not an enormous priority in early elementary years, so most ppl settle into patterns that work well with the rhythm of their family.

[Anonymous]

We host a lot because we have three kids. We also do drop offs. I don’t know it seems to work. My kids want play dates with their friends all the time, so we make it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We host a lot because we have three kids. We also do drop offs. I don’t know it seems to work. My kids want play dates with their friends all the time, so we make it happen.

We make it a priority because it makes our kids happy. Some parents or kids don’t want this and that is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We host a lot because we have three kids. We also do drop offs. I don’t know it seems to work. My kids want play dates with their friends all the time, so we make it happen.

We make it a priority because it makes our kids happy. Some parents or kids don’t want this and that is fine.

Wanted to add that OP’s kid may not be the favorite of another kid and/or OP’s kid and parent is not other families’ top choice.

I feel like I’m always the one doing the planning, hosting and inviting. Invitations are always accepted. I don’t work and most of my kids’ friends’ parents work or they have very young kids. Over the years, I have wondered why people don’t reciprocate more. My kids are drop off age now and they get invited to plenty.