No playdates because other siblings won't have a friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:See, I would not cultivate this friendship. I much prefer playdates where both my children will benefit, and I much prefer parents who will give me a break from both my kids at once. I happily host siblings and, if the group gets along well, explicitly invite them.

OP, ask yourself if you are making other people's life easier, or harder, with your opinions on this.

So much this. It's more this and the dynamic of the relationships vs how many kids the other family has.

You sound so lazy? Get DH to help you more and there is your break. I'm not here to provide breaks for you, while your DH watches TV.

What are you here for? Entertaining your kids with a play date is a huge service to you. Alternatively you could entertain your own kid or teach them to play independently.

+1 I actually do view playdates (along with birthday parties, activities, etc) as a break from entertaining my kid. Even if it's not a dropoff, my kid is playing with another kid and that's a mental break for me. Usually it's a nice time to chat with another parent etc too. My DH does plenty which is why we both deserve breaks, as everyone does!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like these children with sibling playmates don’t know how to entertain themselves. Sibling goes and they’re nagging their parents? How old are these kids? That’s an underrated skill that parents of one child probably overlook since their kids can do it.

How many posters said that theirs will nag? One?

Most of the time, the other parent is busy, even if at home. My youngest is a preschooler and can play by herself for long stretches of time, but it's still not safe to leave her with my spouse if he is busy and completely checked out.

The assumption is that your husband would check back in to parent his child.

Do you know what will definitely get you more play dates with a child? Calling the child’s dad lazy or suggesting he do more work.

Honestly it sounds like you could use better social skills yourself. Sometimes parents do get together while children get together but only when parents are friends. Dictating what a mom should want for her child or how a family should work internally is an easy way of making sure you never make friends with the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:See, I would not cultivate this friendship. I much prefer playdates where both my children will benefit, and I much prefer parents who will give me a break from both my kids at once. I happily host siblings and, if the group gets along well, explicitly invite them.

OP, ask yourself if you are making other people's life easier, or harder, with your opinions on this.

So much this. It's more this and the dynamic of the relationships vs how many kids the other family has.

You sound so lazy? Get DH to help you more and there is your break. I'm not here to provide breaks for you, while your DH watches TV.

You seem to view getting a playdate with your child to be some sort of pinnacle life experience that everyone should be structuring their schedule and home life around. Most ppl are just looking to pass a few hrs. And as many are saying, there are lots of families that make this low-stress and easy.

[Anonymous]

I think OP is long gone, but as a parent of an only, I wanted to point out a few things.

Yes, parents of one child need to be more intentional about scheduling play dates for their kids. It’s not about doing the parent a favor or giving them a break (my kid can happily play alone for hours!), it’s for MY child’s benefit and socialization. If I didn’t do that, people would be claiming she’s unsocial and weird. No win situation, at least on DCUM. Luckily we’ve never run into this hostility IRL.

Second, there are parents that hover and micromanage everywhere. We also don’t put a lot of effort into cultivating those relationships because those parents just don’t fit our vibe. One kid or two, that’s parenting style not family size.

Lastly, we put a good amount of effort into teaching our only to be inclusive and thoughtful towards siblings when she was younger, and it’s made a difference now in mid childhood. If she was seeing a friend and brought a special treat, we’d remind her to bring enough for all of the kids in the house, not just her friend. And lots of “don’t forget about Larla!” when they’d run off at the playground and leave a little sib in the dust. She’s not a “little mommy” type at all, but tries her best to be kind and compromise to include different age kids. That’s much easier now that little sibs are getting older and able to keep up with the big kid games.

Our only isn’t an only by choice, and it still hurts my heart to hear all of the stereotypes and generalizations about only children. Is she the exact same person as she would have been with a sibling? Probably not, but she’s also kind, thoughtful, independent, social, and a great kid. Good thing it’s a big world and there are enough families that look at each kid as an individual and not a stereotype based on our family structure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read the whole thread but I'm surprised more posters aren't agreeing with how weird it is to drop off a 5 YEARS OLDER sibling uninvited to a zoo outing. As OP said, of course he's bored, what were you thinking?

No way it was a drop-off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is long gone, but as a parent of an only, I wanted to point out a few things.

Yes, parents of one child need to be more intentional about scheduling play dates for their kids. It’s not about doing the parent a favor or giving them a break (my kid can happily play alone for hours!), it’s for MY child’s benefit and socialization. If I didn’t do that, people would be claiming she’s unsocial and weird. No win situation, at least on DCUM. Luckily we’ve never run into this hostility IRL.

Second, there are parents that hover and micromanage everywhere. We also don’t put a lot of effort into cultivating those relationships because those parents just don’t fit our vibe. One kid or two, that’s parenting style not family size.

Lastly, we put a good amount of effort into teaching our only to be inclusive and thoughtful towards siblings when she was younger, and it’s made a difference now in mid childhood. If she was seeing a friend and brought a special treat, we’d remind her to bring enough for all of the kids in the house, not just her friend. And lots of “don’t forget about Larla!” when they’d run off at the playground and leave a little sib in the dust. She’s not a “little mommy” type at all, but tries her best to be kind and compromise to include different age kids. That’s much easier now that little sibs are getting older and able to keep up with the big kid games.

Our only isn’t an only by choice, and it still hurts my heart to hear all of the stereotypes and generalizations about only children. Is she the exact same person as she would have been with a sibling? Probably not, but she’s also kind, thoughtful, independent, social, and a great kid. Good thing it’s a big world and there are enough families that look at each kid as an individual and not a stereotype based on our family structure.

I am myself an only child and I posted above that I hate the stereotypes too! I think this chain alone shows how most parents of only children are not at all like OP and their kids are open minded and flexible, same as everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like these children with sibling playmates don’t know how to entertain themselves. Sibling goes and they’re nagging their parents? How old are these kids? That’s an underrated skill that parents of one child probably overlook since their kids can do it.

I said my kid will nag. He plays well on his own all the time. But if his sister has a friend over who pointedly excludes him he gets upset. So we don't have those types of kids over. If he wants to join in he can and if he doesn't, then he doesn't. What I won't tolerate is another kid coming to my house, excluding my kid, and making him upset. No thank you.

I slightly disagree. When my oldest DS has a friend over, what naturally happens is his siblings want to play with the friend and their older brother. At some point, the oldest DS wants to show something to his friend in his room - special Legos or Pokémon cards or whatever. At that point I tell the younger siblings their brother needs alone time with his friend and distract them with something else. It's unfair to the older sibling to always have his siblings included. When the younger siblings' friends come over, it's the same. Although the older DS usually only wants to play with them for a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would love for some insight into this issue. I have an only child (age 7) who has been invited to very few (like 2) playdates over the last three years of school. We have invited her friends many times to our house or to meet up at parks, etc. We never meet up with any of her friends unless I initiate and plan the playdate, their moms never reach out to us or invite us. I believe this is because all her friends have either younger or older siblings.

When we meet up with her friends who have siblings, the mom always brings the sibling to the playdate, even if they're different gender and much older. So for instance, last month we went to the zoo with her same aged friend and the friend's older brother, who was 12 and very bored and complaining the whole time. The mom even mentioned that Dad was home at that time, so I'm thinking why didn't she just leave him with Dad instead of bringing him to this outing when of course he would be bored?

The friends who have younger siblings always come to the playdates, even though the moms don't even ask if that's okay and it annoys my child to have younger siblings trying to play with her and her friend when they want time together.

Interestingly, in the last few weeks my child has been invited to multiple playdates by her friends who have older siblings. I then realized that the reason for this sudden change is because their older siblings are at sleepaway camp. Suddenly her friends' moms are very interested in getting the kids together for playdates, when we were ignored completely during the school year. This makes me kind of ornery and I don't understand why the siblings always have to come along for the playdate. Can't mom leave the sibling at home with Dad or arrange a playdate for the other sibling? Or just invite my kid over to the house even though the other sibling won't have a friend?

I had a sister who was one year older and this issue never came up with us. If I had my own friend over, she would just play alone in her room or my mother would find a playdate for her. There was no expectation that she would hang out with me and my friend. I often had a sleepover with just my friend, and she would just deal with it and do her own thing, and same with her, if she had a sleepover, I would just deal with it. There was never any sense of one sibling couldn't play with a friend on their own because the other sibling wouldn't have a friend and would feel left out, so I just don't really understand these parents' perspectives on this.

Can't you chill out and stop trying to micromanage other people's families in order to make everything more convenient for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like these children with sibling playmates don’t know how to entertain themselves. Sibling goes and they’re nagging their parents? How old are these kids? That’s an underrated skill that parents of one child probably overlook since their kids can do it.

I said my kid will nag. He plays well on his own all the time. But if his sister has a friend over who pointedly excludes him he gets upset. So we don't have those types of kids over. If he wants to join in he can and if he doesn't, then he doesn't. What I won't tolerate is another kid coming to my house, excluding my kid, and making him upset. No thank you.

I slightly disagree. When my oldest DS has a friend over, what naturally happens is his siblings want to play with the friend and their older brother. At some point, the oldest DS wants to show something to his friend in his room - special Legos or Pokémon cards or whatever. At that point I tell the younger siblings their brother needs alone time with his friend and distract them with something else. It's unfair to the older sibling to always have his siblings included. When the younger siblings' friends come over, it's the same. Although the older DS usually only wants to play with them for a bit.

DP. Yup, we take this approach too. Especially as kids get older, it does become unfair to the older siblings if they always have to include the younger. My kids are allowed to have friend-only time in a separate space (their room typically) during a playdate if that's what they want. My kids don't nag me about that because it's the expectation we've always set up. If they do start in, it gets shut down. This policy has certainly not affected their relationship -- they are close siblings who play together nicely. My kids don't get something just because their sibling does.

OP, about the whole sleepaway camp thing -- it's super common for families to host more playdates in the summer, sleep away camp or not, because kids often have more free time since they are in less organized ECs. I assure you that it is nothing to feel any type of way about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read the whole thread but I'm surprised more posters aren't agreeing with how weird it is to drop off a 5 YEARS OLDER sibling uninvited to a zoo outing. As OP said, of course he's bored, what were you thinking?

It was never stated that th zoo playdate was a dropoff. I think everyone agrees you don't bring an uninvited sibling to a dropoff playdate because the other mom is not some sort of group babysitter.

Also, OP’s kid is 7 and uninvited sibling 12. Not sure where you got the 5 from

Stand corrected, he wasn't dropped off the mom was there too, but I still don't think most 12 year-old boys want to hang out with 7 year-old girls so I don't know why you'd bring him. The 5 was referring to the age difference. If he were 9 it'd make sense.

He probably didn’t want to be there, but the mom may have very valid reasons for not leaving him at home (behavior, getting him to an activity afterwards, a dozen different reasons). So, sorry if it wasn’t the OP envisioned, but when you feel entitled to an outing that requires a lot of another parent’s time, you don’t get to set all the terms. OP drips of disdain for all these siblings in her post. I wouldn’t be surprised if she let on that she wasn’t thrilled the older child was included.

Better the zoo than being home alone watching tv or playing video games

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is long gone, but as a parent of an only, I wanted to point out a few things.

Yes, parents of one child need to be more intentional about scheduling play dates for their kids. It’s not about doing the parent a favor or giving them a break (my kid can happily play alone for hours!), it’s for MY child’s benefit and socialization. If I didn’t do that, people would be claiming she’s unsocial and weird. No win situation, at least on DCUM. Luckily we’ve never run into this hostility IRL.

Second, there are parents that hover and micromanage everywhere. We also don’t put a lot of effort into cultivating those relationships because those parents just don’t fit our vibe. One kid or two, that’s parenting style not family size.

Lastly, we put a good amount of effort into teaching our only to be inclusive and thoughtful towards siblings when she was younger, and it’s made a difference now in mid childhood. If she was seeing a friend and brought a special treat, we’d remind her to bring enough for all of the kids in the house, not just her friend. And lots of “don’t forget about Larla!” when they’d run off at the playground and leave a little sib in the dust. She’s not a “little mommy” type at all, but tries her best to be kind and compromise to include different age kids. That’s much easier now that little sibs are getting older and able to keep up with the big kid games.

Our only isn’t an only by choice, and it still hurts my heart to hear all of the stereotypes and generalizations about only children. Is she the exact same person as she would have been with a sibling? Probably not, but she’s also kind, thoughtful, independent, social, and a great kid. Good thing it’s a big world and there are enough families that look at each kid as an individual and not a stereotype based on our family structure.

I posted before. I have 3 kids and my oldest BFF is an only child. She is my favorite of all my kids’ friends. She is awesome and I think it has nothing to do with being an only… I would never think badly of a kid based on their family size.

[Anonymous]

OP, what you have to understand if you are trying to arrange playdates with families with 2-3 kids, is that they do not care about having the playdate. It's nothing against your kid or you, it's just that they don't care/the playdate is an inconvenience. Most kids do fewer playdates these days than you did when you were a child. They are busy with sports, lessons, tutors, etc. And both parents work. They don't have time and they don't need the playdate because their kids have each other (and soccer practice, and piano lesson, etc). Playdates will only occur if it really works for them, and if you put a ton of restrictions on it, then it doesn't work. Sign your only child up for more activities. Meeting at the park won't work much longer anyway as they get too old.

[Anonymous]

Playdates are for you and your kid, OP. Not for kids who have siblings, as they don't need playdates, they have each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Playdates are for you and your kid, OP. Not for kids who have siblings, as they don't need playdates, they have each other.

For all you PPs saying stuff like this: how old are your kids? Don't they have friends???? My 9.5 year old DD asks for playdates constantly, and they were huge this past year amongst her friends (the vast majority of which come from multi-kid families and also do plenty of extra-curriculars). My younger DD did plenty of playdates this past year too....

[Anonymous]

Hang on. We’re a multi-child family, but the kids need play dates. Apparently kids generally need at a minimum 1-2 play dates a week of a minimum of 2 hrs each. https://blog.lowellschool.org/blog/ups-and-downs-of-friendship-in-elementary-school. The kids don’t need their mothers at the play dates, nor should they be mean to siblings, but they don’t not need friends.