21 year old son, overnights with girlfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 21 year old son met a girl at college in Feb. He sometimes sleeps over there at her place. I do not like this at all and we are butting heads. He has just come home from college and is furious we wont be allowing him to visit her overnight (1 hr away) while she is still at college.

Am I being unreasonable? He sometimes spends 36 hours straight with her.

You are 100000% being unreasonable. You should not be weighing in on his sexual (or morality, if that's your issues) choices at this point.

I'll also add: If you want him to keep coming home to stay for visits, you're gonna need to back the eff off. Or I can put you in touch with my parents to see how that worked out for them when they tried this sh-- with me.

[Anonymous]

Get thee to a nunnery!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Absolutely. He's an adult. You're having a hard time letting go but he needs to figure out independence and relationships and you need to give him the space to do it. You don't have to let her stay overnight at your house (your rules and all) but you will push him away if you try to forbid him to go to hers. I've seen this dynamic play out a few times u and it can be really damaging to your relationship with him. You are basically saying "I don't trust you to make decisions in your own life".

I'm basically saying, I don't support acting like a $lut. He doesn't need to sleep over. I didn't do that stuff.

You have spent 21 years raising him with your morals, values, principles, and ethics. He is choosing differently from how you would choose.

Do you think that your enforcement of "rules" for a 21-year-old man will make any difference whatsoever?

Are you more interested in creating and enforcing rules for your adult child than you are in having a relationship with him?

I'm not going to just sit back and be okay with poor choices because I am scared of his reaction. And yes he is livid.

You should be scared of his reaction. He’s an adult & has the power to never speak to you again if you are awful.

Lol ok. I pay his bills.

Alright. Let him pay his own bills, and you stay out of his sex life.

+1

+2. But if my parents tried to control or punish me like this (like withholding inheritance and support they would have given me if I complied with them), we wouldn't really have a relationship. Enjoy the SM posts of your grandchildren! You won't be seeing them in person.

Two can play at this game.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP you are leaving out a lot of details. Did he drop out of college? Why is he living with you?

I actually agree with you that I would not be loaning my car to my 21 YO son who has chosen to live at home (not working?) and whose priority is driving an hour to see his girlfriend.

Tell him to get his life back on track and then worry about the GF.

He did not drop out. He has just finished school. He is now back at home.

What does this mean? College? What college finished classes already?

Graduated college. Done school. Classes are done. He just finished exams Friday. Exams were done earlier than normal

No college in the US has finished classes.

We are in Canada but that doesn't matter. He finshed a bit early. Not sure why this is so surprising for people. Only 3 of his classes had exams and he got lucky to finish early.

A month early?

Not a month. One of my friends is out of state picking up her kid as I type this. Another is coming home beg of next week.

[Anonymous]

In theory I agree with you as it is not something I ever would have “ let my parents know.” However, he is 21 and as soon as she graduates they may simply move in together so what is the difference.

I say this as lived this with my ds. My dh and I not naive so the lines we drew were not to pay for them to live together at uni ( they asked), and no sleepovers here until they had graduated college - 2nd piece was organic as he just never asked. When we vacationed she always had her own room.

Again, not naive, and I think she spent the last two years at his townhouse with him and his roommates but it just seemed unseemly for an “ adult” have his parents pay to live with his girlfriend 😀, and we wanted him to connect with others. The 4 yrs with roommates worked as made friends.

They both graduated last year and each are living at home to save money. Their plan is to become engaged this summer and move in together in the Fall. This was always going to happen so why pretend otherwise.

Your ds is 21, college graduate, an adult. You should let this go.

My only caveat for you is if this against your moral and/ or religious values I would calmly discuss and then live with his choice. Our dcs make many choices we would not but nothing so egregious that we would push them away. Focus on the unconditional love you have for him.

I say let this go, and wishing you peace.

[Anonymous]

Unreasonable.

OP, note that you put this thread in the "adult children" forum. That should give you a clue as to the appropriate response here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In theory I agree with you as it is not something I ever would have “ let my parents know.” However, he is 21 and as soon as she graduates they may simply move in together so what is the difference.

I say this as lived this with my ds. My dh and I not naive so the lines we drew were not to pay for them to live together at uni ( they asked), and no sleepovers here until they had graduated college - 2nd piece was organic as he just never asked. When we vacationed she always had her own room.

Again, not naive, and I think she spent the last two years at his townhouse with him and his roommates but it just seemed unseemly for an “ adult” have his parents pay to live with his girlfriend 😀, and we wanted him to connect with others. The 4 yrs with roommates worked as made friends.

They both graduated last year and each are living at home to save money. Their plan is to become engaged this summer and move in together in the Fall. This was always going to happen so why pretend otherwise.

Your ds is 21, college graduate, an adult. You should let this go.

My only caveat for you is if this against your moral and/ or religious values I would calmly discuss and then live with his choice. Our dcs make many choices we would not but nothing so egregious that we would push them away. Focus on the unconditional love you have for him.

I say let this go, and wishing you peace.

You say let go. But then list a number of your "rules" for your kid. Most of which are pretty arbitrary. And then judge certain things as "unseemly." LOL.

Let go yourself.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I met at senior year and he spent probably 3 nights a week with me. We were like rabbits that year. Don’t worry, we lived happily ever after.

I’m shocked you think you can keep your 21 year old from going…anywhere. But especially not to his source of IT. Hate to say this is the beginning of the end of your day in things, mom.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP you are leaving out a lot of details. Did he drop out of college? Why is he living with you?

I actually agree with you that I would not be loaning my car to my 21 YO son who has chosen to live at home (not working?) and whose priority is driving an hour to see his girlfriend.

Tell him to get his life back on track and then worry about the GF.

He did not drop out. He has just finished school. He is now back at home.

What does this mean? College? What college finished classes already?

Graduated college. Done school. Classes are done. He just finished exams Friday. Exams were done earlier than normal

No college in the US has finished classes.

We are in Canada but that doesn't matter. He finshed a bit early. Not sure why this is so surprising for people. Only 3 of his classes had exams and he got lucky to finish early.

A month early?

Not a month. One of my friends is out of state picking up her kid as I type this. Another is coming home beg of next week.

This thread began two weeks ago.

[Anonymous]

Jeeeee-sus christ. There are some crazy-controlling parents on here. For f*ck's sake, if he's old enough to drink, drive, and enlist in the army, he can sleep over at his girlfriend's!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In theory I agree with you as it is not something I ever would have “ let my parents know.” However, he is 21 and as soon as she graduates they may simply move in together so what is the difference.

I say this as lived this with my ds. My dh and I not naive so the lines we drew were not to pay for them to live together at uni ( they asked), and no sleepovers here until they had graduated college - 2nd piece was organic as he just never asked. When we vacationed she always had her own room.

Again, not naive, and I think she spent the last two years at his townhouse with him and his roommates but it just seemed unseemly for an “ adult” have his parents pay to live with his girlfriend 😀, and we wanted him to connect with others. The 4 yrs with roommates worked as made friends.

They both graduated last year and each are living at home to save money. Their plan is to become engaged this summer and move in together in the Fall. This was always going to happen so why pretend otherwise.

Your ds is 21, college graduate, an adult. You should let this go.

My only caveat for you is if this against your moral and/ or religious values I would calmly discuss and then live with his choice. Our dcs make many choices we would not but nothing so egregious that we would push them away. Focus on the unconditional love you have for him.

I say let this go, and wishing you peace.

Exactly. Serious relationships at the age are normal and a good thing! OP will be back in 10 years wondering why her poor son won’t get married and give her grandchildren already. Because she scared away all the girlfriends!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In theory I agree with you as it is not something I ever would have “ let my parents know.” However, he is 21 and as soon as she graduates they may simply move in together so what is the difference.

I say this as lived this with my ds. My dh and I not naive so the lines we drew were not to pay for them to live together at uni ( they asked), and no sleepovers here until they had graduated college - 2nd piece was organic as he just never asked. When we vacationed she always had her own room.

Again, not naive, and I think she spent the last two years at his townhouse with him and his roommates but it just seemed unseemly for an “ adult” have his parents pay to live with his girlfriend 😀, and we wanted him to connect with others. The 4 yrs with roommates worked as made friends.

They both graduated last year and each are living at home to save money. Their plan is to become engaged this summer and move in together in the Fall. This was always going to happen so why pretend otherwise.

Your ds is 21, college graduate, an adult. You should let this go.

My only caveat for you is if this against your moral and/ or religious values I would calmly discuss and then live with his choice. Our dcs make many choices we would not but nothing so egregious that we would push them away. Focus on the unconditional love you have for him.

I say let this go, and wishing you peace.

You say let go. But then list a number of your "rules" for your kid. Most of which are pretty arbitrary. And then judge certain things as "unseemly." LOL.

Let go yourself.

We did! As noted above😀

[Anonymous]

I just have to say, the repo SRS to this one are making me laugh.

Good luck OP! Your son will probably marry her, on a beach, without you or God present. They’ll have grandkids you rarely see. And the probably won’t baptize them either.


Talk to your priest about what to do. Honestly. He’ll probably tell you it’s between your son and God and to butt out already.

[Anonymous]

Good for him! Gen Z is sexless: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-myths-sex/202209/generation-z-is-missing-out-the-benefits-sex?amp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't even read through this entire thread because I find it so ridiculous. OP is beyond the pale and 100% is damaging her relationship with her GROWN son. He's 21 for the love of GOD. He can vote, go to war, and drink, but you want to be the gatekeeper of his social/sex life?! At what point would this end? What if he's 31, or 41, and unmarried. Would you still try to keep him from sleeping over at a girlfriends house. OP sounds like an overbearing nightmare. 21 is NOT a child

+1 and I also grew up conservative Catholic. If this is real, you are damaging both your relationship with your child AND you child himself with this enmeshed, controlling, manipulative behavior. He will come to hate you. Maybe not now, but eventually. If you really love him, you will find a therapist and work through your issues and leave him alone unless he’s doing something actually harmful to himself or others. And premarital sleepovers by a college grad is not that.