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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]New poster here just to say that I feel much like you, OP. I'm not sure that my husband has HFA. At times I have thought that he might and talked to him about the possibility. He told me once years ago that he had to ride on a bus with his housekeeper to therapy for a few years when he was a kid. That he was never really sure why, that his parents just told him it was because he didn't talk very much. When we dated, there were times when he just, for lack of a better description, "checked out." Just sort of sat quietly and would be dismissive of me for days at a time. I broke up with him because of how badly this made me feel and he came back with over the top love and affection. Because he was caring and generous most of the time, I decided I would just live with these bouts of his dismissiveness and his idiosyncracies. The early days of our marriage were fine, but once kids came into the picture, he became very financially controlling, but was literally 100% checked out of parenting. He did almost no parenting with me. He would tag along to activities, but never really knew what was going on in any of our lives. Every single night at the dinner table, he would usually just sit quietly staring out the window. We would try to talk to him, either about our days, his, or sometimes specifically about why he would just act like we weren't there, but that typically led to angry outbursts. Over the years, he has tried here and there to connect, especially as our kids grew up and I think he saw they were pulling away, but it's just not something he can sustain. Now that's it's just the two of us in the house, we will go days without speaking to each other. It depresses me to  no end, but he doesn't even notice. I'm just at a loss as to what to do. What makes men act like this? [/quote]

Wow.

I had to check the date stamp in case I somehow wrote this a year ago.

My HFA spouse does exactly all of the above most of the time, even in vacation. The neglect, the ignoring, the lack of action, the zero talking about anything. He has lost the ability to function with people more than a handful of hours a day. Work gets his best efforts there.

Yes it is a lonely marriage and relationship. Yes the kids are very confused with this push/pull of a father who rarely talks or connects with them and then busts into a clown a few minutes a week when convenient or someone reminds him to acknowledge his kid or something must be done.

We all ignore him and spend time with our other various circles of friends and activities. He’d be a terrible coparent, and can’t get his arms around divorce. However to save his ego and image he’d do whatever his lawyer fought for.  [/quote]

This is OP
I posted looking for HAPPY marriages, but mostly what I've found here are stories like this. 
My kids mostly ignore their dad too. I don't ignore DH, but he completely forgets about my existence for long periods.
My question is about your last comment that in a divorce, your husband would fight to save his ego.
It seems paradoxical that your DH would only come alive when told he is not wanted.
If I divorced my ASD husband, I believe he would do this too. But why?
And why is it that he would choose to fight against me but not for our marriage? This says to me that his behavior (ignoring his family and focusing only on his job) is a conscious choice. And if it's a conscious choice, couldn't that actually be a slight sliver of hope that he could possibly change and include me and our children in his area of interest?
I'm not hopeful after 25 years of marriage, but early on, he did pay attention to me. I do think he cares about me, and I know he loves our children even though he has so few interactions with them. 
If anyone has a satisfying (not open) marriage to an ASD husband, please post. Thanks!

[/quote]

Why not [b]open marriage[/b]? Your kids are young. I wouldn't divorce if he's bringing in the money and not mean. If I could do it again, I would move close to family and have them help out and treat him more like the grandpa who lives with you. On his better days that's what it was like. Living with grandpa.l[/quote]

This is OP.
I do not want an open marriage, whatever that means. It's not for me. I want a real marriage, and I'm not getting that now. I love him, and he can't love me back in the same way I love him. I know he loves me, but he lives in his own world. Is there any way to break into that world? That's what I'm looking for. I know he has feelings and emotions, but he can't express empathy. He has no idea what empathy is, even when described to him in detail. He tries, but is baffled by emotions, making a true emotional connection with another human being. 
I want a marriage that works, despite his ASD/HFA/Aspergers. I'm getting from most posters that such a thing is not possible with an ASD husband. 
[/quote]

No, it's not really possible. This is who he is.
You can try different therapies. Stem cells maybe. But I don't know that this will fix your situation because the more you try to fix him the more he will pull away. And then he will be the one leaving the marriage.[/quote]

Oh ffs. Stem cells, really?
[/quote]

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