Feel terrible about my finances after reading this site

[Anonymous]

OP, you took you a total of 30k from your 401k for you daughter college only, I could understand your expectations if it were 300k (or half of your net worth), you sound ridiculous

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2nd gen Korean American woman here. My parents immigrated here in their mid to late 30s before I was born and my dad worked in IT. He capped out with a salary below $110K when he retired. My mom stayed home once I was born to raise the kids.

What kind of car do you drive, OP? My parents always had a cheap car compared to the other Korean families I knew. My mom only bought clothes off the sale racks. I never had brand name clothes growing up unless it was handed down to us by another Korean family. We lived in a tiny 3-bdrm ranch house. They refused to try to “keep up with the Kims”.

My dad put us kids through good private colleges. We graduated with loans, but are all doing well as adults. I worked in finance in NYC. By the way, these jobs are hugely stressful. Wall Street firms routinely fire low performers. The pressure to perform and the long hours are intense.

My dad always says how grateful he feels that they do not have to ask us for money and we do not have to ask our parents for money. Your sacrifice is small to what my dad endured. He worked dangerous blue collar jobs to support himself and send money home before he got his education. Being underpaid in white collar corporate America was the most he ever achieved, and I am incredibly proud of him.

My parents have continued to live within their means as retirees. My mom doesn’t have any designer purses or clothes, nor does she value or expect them. They place no expectations or guilt on us kids to support them, although we took them on a big vacation this year that they unsuccessfully tried to help pay for.

I hope that you’ll adjust your expectations and your lifestyle, if appropriate. Your daughter was raised here, and she will feel resentment for having to help her parents financially, especially if you are living a lifestyle in which you are trying to keep up with flashy Korean families. It will hurt your relationship with her.

OP here. Okay, finally someone who gets it. We have only one car (which is rare in this area), and it’s a 12 year-old Toyota. We live as frugally as your parents, it seems like.

Also, how is it possible that your dad worked “dangerous blue collar jobs” but also worked in IT?

I get that NYC finance is hard. My daughter complains a lot about the hours. But I hope my daughter doesn’t feel resentment for trying to help me and my wife in retirement. It’s part of our culture, as you know. I hope that you don’t feel resentful towards your parents when you have to help them out as they age. They sacrificed a lot for you, as you know.

OP, no offense, but you’re a piece of trolling garbage! No one living in a $1M+ home, making more than double the median US HHI, and sporting the luxury of a SAHM has any legitimate grounds for complaining about their financial woes. You’re clearly either a troll or a very greedy, entitled, and lazy individual. Your writing style and precision implementation of grammatical form is hardly representative of that from a South Korean native. Nice try, though.

The writing was so good that I pictured an Indian guy talking in anxiety until OP revealed south Korea. And I was amazed.

Op is def not South Korean who came here 15 years ago in his 30s. I can tell you that much. I think he’s been fking trolling us

I’m also starting to think op is just a troll trying to make immigrants look bad

OP here. Okay, fine. You caught me. I’m not who I say I am. But I’m not trolling either.

I’m the daughter in this situation. I graduated from an HYPS this past June with $30k in FAFSA loans, and my parents took out another $30k in 401k loans to meet my EFC (which was after my college gave me significant amounts of financial aid). I work 90 hrs/week in Investment Banking and absolutely despise the job. But my parents (who I’ve described accurately throughout this entire thread) have always told me how proud they are of me in landing this job, and how they’re elated that I’m making so much money so young.

Their finances are exactly as I’ve described in this thread, and they’ve told me multiple times that my high income will be helpful as I’ll have to support them in retirement. I’ve never suggested that my mom get a job, although this thread is making me rethinking that. She was really hurt when she got fired from her admin assistant job a couple of years ago, and has really hated the idea of re-entering the workforce ever since.

And yes, my parents constantly guilt-trip me with the whole Korean “we sacrificed everything for you! So we expect you to support us when we retire!” My dad told me a few months ago that he’s not worried about his paltry 401k or lack of retirement accounts since he knows he can “rely on me to take care of him and my mom as they get older.”

Being an only child makes this worse. I feel a lot of pressure on me. I HATE investment banking with a burning passion, but I feel tied down to my awful job. I don’t know.

That makes much more sense. Your situation is not unique but I do believe your parents demand is unjust. My only advice to you is live your own life and have them seriously consider moving back to Korea for their retirement. There is no reason for them to stay here. Med is better/cheaper, COL is lower...etc. I can't see any downside of going back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2nd gen Korean American woman here. My parents immigrated here in their mid to late 30s before I was born and my dad worked in IT. He capped out with a salary below $110K when he retired. My mom stayed home once I was born to raise the kids.

What kind of car do you drive, OP? My parents always had a cheap car compared to the other Korean families I knew. My mom only bought clothes off the sale racks. I never had brand name clothes growing up unless it was handed down to us by another Korean family. We lived in a tiny 3-bdrm ranch house. They refused to try to “keep up with the Kims”.

My dad put us kids through good private colleges. We graduated with loans, but are all doing well as adults. I worked in finance in NYC. By the way, these jobs are hugely stressful. Wall Street firms routinely fire low performers. The pressure to perform and the long hours are intense.

My dad always says how grateful he feels that they do not have to ask us for money and we do not have to ask our parents for money. Your sacrifice is small to what my dad endured. He worked dangerous blue collar jobs to support himself and send money home before he got his education. Being underpaid in white collar corporate America was the most he ever achieved, and I am incredibly proud of him.

My parents have continued to live within their means as retirees. My mom doesn’t have any designer purses or clothes, nor does she value or expect them. They place no expectations or guilt on us kids to support them, although we took them on a big vacation this year that they unsuccessfully tried to help pay for.

I hope that you’ll adjust your expectations and your lifestyle, if appropriate. Your daughter was raised here, and she will feel resentment for having to help her parents financially, especially if you are living a lifestyle in which you are trying to keep up with flashy Korean families. It will hurt your relationship with her.

OP here. Okay, finally someone who gets it. We have only one car (which is rare in this area), and it’s a 12 year-old Toyota. We live as frugally as your parents, it seems like.

Also, how is it possible that your dad worked “dangerous blue collar jobs” but also worked in IT?

I get that NYC finance is hard. My daughter complains a lot about the hours. But I hope my daughter doesn’t feel resentment for trying to help me and my wife in retirement. It’s part of our culture, as you know. I hope that you don’t feel resentful towards your parents when you have to help them out as they age. They sacrificed a lot for you, as you know.

OP, no offense, but you’re a piece of trolling garbage! No one living in a $1M+ home, making more than double the median US HHI, and sporting the luxury of a SAHM has any legitimate grounds for complaining about their financial woes. You’re clearly either a troll or a very greedy, entitled, and lazy individual. Your writing style and precision implementation of grammatical form is hardly representative of that from a South Korean native. Nice try, though.

The writing was so good that I pictured an Indian guy talking in anxiety until OP revealed south Korea. And I was amazed.

Op is def not South Korean who came here 15 years ago in his 30s. I can tell you that much. I think he’s been fking trolling us

I’m also starting to think op is just a troll trying to make immigrants look bad

OP here. Okay, fine. You caught me. I’m not who I say I am. But I’m not trolling either.

I’m the daughter in this situation. I graduated from an HYPS this past June with $30k in FAFSA loans, and my parents took out another $30k in 401k loans to meet my EFC (which was after my college gave me significant amounts of financial aid). I work 90 hrs/week in Investment Banking and absolutely despise the job. But my parents (who I’ve described accurately throughout this entire thread) have always told me how proud they are of me in landing this job, and how they’re elated that I’m making so much money so young.

Their finances are exactly as I’ve described in this thread, and they’ve told me multiple times that my high income will be helpful as I’ll have to support them in retirement. I’ve never suggested that my mom get a job, although this thread is making me rethinking that. She was really hurt when she got fired from her admin assistant job a couple of years ago, and has really hated the idea of re-entering the workforce ever since.

And yes, my parents constantly guilt-trip me with the whole Korean “we sacrificed everything for you! So we expect you to support us when we retire!” My dad told me a few months ago that he’s not worried about his paltry 401k or lack of retirement accounts since he knows he can “rely on me to take care of him and my mom as they get older.”

Being an only child makes this worse. I feel a lot of pressure on me. I HATE investment banking with a burning passion, but I feel tied down to my awful job. I don’t know.

$60K total loans on your income isn't actually that unreasonable.

Pay off the loans, including to your parents, with interest.

Then quite your job if you can't stand it. My parents (in their 80s, and living on social security and a small pension) would *never* want me to be in a job I hated and caused mental health issues.

-Korean American DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

You are putting a lot of pressure on your daughter. Wall st is about to announce huge layoffs and is a feast or famine industry. I worked on wall st for years and the only way to make it is not to live frugally when you are climbing the ladder. For her sanity, do not force her to live out in the burbs. When I was there the only junior people who did that were Indian immigrants who rented apts way out in jersey. They were turned down for for assignments bc they couldn’t get to the office at the drip of a hat and they were always exhausted from their commute. Your daughter needs to outsource everything possible, laundry, dry cleaning, shopping, etc. Otherwise she’ll burn out quickly bc her non working time will be spent twinning around. I saw it happen many times. Let her make the decisions she needs to succeed. Also the general finance route is not to buy a house until you have many kids and are forced to the burbs. Let her have an apt (condo, coop) for as long as she wAnts. Dc financial advice doesn’t necessarily translate to nyc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2nd gen Korean American woman here. My parents immigrated here in their mid to late 30s before I was born and my dad worked in IT. He capped out with a salary below $110K when he retired. My mom stayed home once I was born to raise the kids.

What kind of car do you drive, OP? My parents always had a cheap car compared to the other Korean families I knew. My mom only bought clothes off the sale racks. I never had brand name clothes growing up unless it was handed down to us by another Korean family. We lived in a tiny 3-bdrm ranch house. They refused to try to “keep up with the Kims”.

My dad put us kids through good private colleges. We graduated with loans, but are all doing well as adults. I worked in finance in NYC. By the way, these jobs are hugely stressful. Wall Street firms routinely fire low performers. The pressure to perform and the long hours are intense.

My dad always says how grateful he feels that they do not have to ask us for money and we do not have to ask our parents for money. Your sacrifice is small to what my dad endured. He worked dangerous blue collar jobs to support himself and send money home before he got his education. Being underpaid in white collar corporate America was the most he ever achieved, and I am incredibly proud of him.

My parents have continued to live within their means as retirees. My mom doesn’t have any designer purses or clothes, nor does she value or expect them. They place no expectations or guilt on us kids to support them, although we took them on a big vacation this year that they unsuccessfully tried to help pay for.

I hope that you’ll adjust your expectations and your lifestyle, if appropriate. Your daughter was raised here, and she will feel resentment for having to help her parents financially, especially if you are living a lifestyle in which you are trying to keep up with flashy Korean families. It will hurt your relationship with her.

OP here. Okay, finally someone who gets it. We have only one car (which is rare in this area), and it’s a 12 year-old Toyota. We live as frugally as your parents, it seems like.

Also, how is it possible that your dad worked “dangerous blue collar jobs” but also worked in IT?

I get that NYC finance is hard. My daughter complains a lot about the hours. But I hope my daughter doesn’t feel resentment for trying to help me and my wife in retirement. It’s part of our culture, as you know. I hope that you don’t feel resentful towards your parents when you have to help them out as they age. They sacrificed a lot for you, as you know.

OP, no offense, but you’re a piece of trolling garbage! No one living in a $1M+ home, making more than double the median US HHI, and sporting the luxury of a SAHM has any legitimate grounds for complaining about their financial woes. You’re clearly either a troll or a very greedy, entitled, and lazy individual. Your writing style and precision implementation of grammatical form is hardly representative of that from a South Korean native. Nice try, though.

The writing was so good that I pictured an Indian guy talking in anxiety until OP revealed south Korea. And I was amazed.

Op is def not South Korean who came here 15 years ago in his 30s. I can tell you that much. I think he’s been fking trolling us

I’m also starting to think op is just a troll trying to make immigrants look bad

OP here. Okay, fine. You caught me. I’m not who I say I am. But I’m not trolling either.

I’m the daughter in this situation. I graduated from an HYPS this past June with $30k in FAFSA loans, and my parents took out another $30k in 401k loans to meet my EFC (which was after my college gave me significant amounts of financial aid). I work 90 hrs/week in Investment Banking and absolutely despise the job. But my parents (who I’ve described accurately throughout this entire thread) have always told me how proud they are of me in landing this job, and how they’re elated that I’m making so much money so young.

Their finances are exactly as I’ve described in this thread, and they’ve told me multiple times that my high income will be helpful as I’ll have to support them in retirement. I’ve never suggested that my mom get a job, although this thread is making me rethinking that. She was really hurt when she got fired from her admin assistant job a couple of years ago, and has really hated the idea of re-entering the workforce ever since.

And yes, my parents constantly guilt-trip me with the whole Korean “we sacrificed everything for you! So we expect you to support us when we retire!” My dad told me a few months ago that he’s not worried about his paltry 401k or lack of retirement accounts since he knows he can “rely on me to take care of him and my mom as they get older.”

Being an only child makes this worse. I feel a lot of pressure on me. I HATE investment banking with a burning passion, but I feel tied down to my awful job. I don’t know.

$60K total loans on your income isn't actually that unreasonable.

Pay off the loans, including to your parents, with interest.

Then quite your job if you can't stand it. My parents (in their 80s, and living on social security and a small pension) would *never* want me to be in a job I hated and caused mental health issues.

-Korean American DD

OP here. Interesting. My parents (as well as most of the Korean parents I know) want their kids to go into higher paying careers regardless of their mental health (which isn’t a concept they believe in BTW). The whole “we sacrificed for you so you must sacrificed for me” dynamic is very real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2nd gen Korean American woman here. My parents immigrated here in their mid to late 30s before I was born and my dad worked in IT. He capped out with a salary below $110K when he retired. My mom stayed home once I was born to raise the kids.

What kind of car do you drive, OP? My parents always had a cheap car compared to the other Korean families I knew. My mom only bought clothes off the sale racks. I never had brand name clothes growing up unless it was handed down to us by another Korean family. We lived in a tiny 3-bdrm ranch house. They refused to try to “keep up with the Kims”.

My dad put us kids through good private colleges. We graduated with loans, but are all doing well as adults. I worked in finance in NYC. By the way, these jobs are hugely stressful. Wall Street firms routinely fire low performers. The pressure to perform and the long hours are intense.

My dad always says how grateful he feels that they do not have to ask us for money and we do not have to ask our parents for money. Your sacrifice is small to what my dad endured. He worked dangerous blue collar jobs to support himself and send money home before he got his education. Being underpaid in white collar corporate America was the most he ever achieved, and I am incredibly proud of him.

My parents have continued to live within their means as retirees. My mom doesn’t have any designer purses or clothes, nor does she value or expect them. They place no expectations or guilt on us kids to support them, although we took them on a big vacation this year that they unsuccessfully tried to help pay for.

I hope that you’ll adjust your expectations and your lifestyle, if appropriate. Your daughter was raised here, and she will feel resentment for having to help her parents financially, especially if you are living a lifestyle in which you are trying to keep up with flashy Korean families. It will hurt your relationship with her.

OP here. Okay, finally someone who gets it. We have only one car (which is rare in this area), and it’s a 12 year-old Toyota. We live as frugally as your parents, it seems like.

Also, how is it possible that your dad worked “dangerous blue collar jobs” but also worked in IT?

I get that NYC finance is hard. My daughter complains a lot about the hours. But I hope my daughter doesn’t feel resentment for trying to help me and my wife in retirement. It’s part of our culture, as you know. I hope that you don’t feel resentful towards your parents when you have to help them out as they age. They sacrificed a lot for you, as you know.

OP, no offense, but you’re a piece of trolling garbage! No one living in a $1M+ home, making more than double the median US HHI, and sporting the luxury of a SAHM has any legitimate grounds for complaining about their financial woes. You’re clearly either a troll or a very greedy, entitled, and lazy individual. Your writing style and precision implementation of grammatical form is hardly representative of that from a South Korean native. Nice try, though.

The writing was so good that I pictured an Indian guy talking in anxiety until OP revealed south Korea. And I was amazed.

Op is def not South Korean who came here 15 years ago in his 30s. I can tell you that much. I think he’s been fking trolling us

I’m also starting to think op is just a troll trying to make immigrants look bad

OP here. Okay, fine. You caught me. I’m not who I say I am. But I’m not trolling either.

I’m the daughter in this situation. I graduated from an HYPS this past June with $30k in FAFSA loans, and my parents took out another $30k in 401k loans to meet my EFC (which was after my college gave me significant amounts of financial aid). I work 90 hrs/week in Investment Banking and absolutely despise the job. But my parents (who I’ve described accurately throughout this entire thread) have always told me how proud they are of me in landing this job, and how they’re elated that I’m making so much money so young.

Their finances are exactly as I’ve described in this thread, and they’ve told me multiple times that my high income will be helpful as I’ll have to support them in retirement. I’ve never suggested that my mom get a job, although this thread is making me rethinking that. She was really hurt when she got fired from her admin assistant job a couple of years ago, and has really hated the idea of re-entering the workforce ever since.

And yes, my parents constantly guilt-trip me with the whole Korean “we sacrificed everything for you! So we expect you to support us when we retire!” My dad told me a few months ago that he’s not worried about his paltry 401k or lack of retirement accounts since he knows he can “rely on me to take care of him and my mom as they get older.”

Being an only child makes this worse. I feel a lot of pressure on me. I HATE investment banking with a burning passion, but I feel tied down to my awful job. I don’t know.

$60K total loans on your income isn't actually that unreasonable.

Pay off the loans, including to your parents, with interest.

Then quite your job if you can't stand it. My parents (in their 80s, and living on social security and a small pension) would *never* want me to be in a job I hated and caused mental health issues.

-Korean American DD

OP here. Interesting. My parents (as well as most of the Korean parents I know) want their kids to go into higher paying careers regardless of their mental health (which isn’t a concept they believe in BTW). The whole “we sacrificed for you so you must sacrificed for me” dynamic is very real.

I wish you would stop saying that. Every Korean family who came here had to followed the similar path as your family has. I honestly don't know how many families actually have that dynamic. Certainly not in my family - my kids are about your age. Yes, it was hard but telling kids to "sacrifice" for us is unthinkable.

[Anonymous]

I’m an immigrant and so is my husband. Our parents would never ask us to support them. Not only that, we make a good amount but our kids are in private school. That plus a mortgage and saving for college and retirement doesn’t leave us much extra per month. My parents did not pay for my college, I took our loans and paid them back. they also don’t help with childcare, I stayed at home with our kids the first 2 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2nd gen Korean American woman here. My parents immigrated here in their mid to late 30s before I was born and my dad worked in IT. He capped out with a salary below $110K when he retired. My mom stayed home once I was born to raise the kids.

What kind of car do you drive, OP? My parents always had a cheap car compared to the other Korean families I knew. My mom only bought clothes off the sale racks. I never had brand name clothes growing up unless it was handed down to us by another Korean family. We lived in a tiny 3-bdrm ranch house. They refused to try to “keep up with the Kims”.

My dad put us kids through good private colleges. We graduated with loans, but are all doing well as adults. I worked in finance in NYC. By the way, these jobs are hugely stressful. Wall Street firms routinely fire low performers. The pressure to perform and the long hours are intense.

My dad always says how grateful he feels that they do not have to ask us for money and we do not have to ask our parents for money. Your sacrifice is small to what my dad endured. He worked dangerous blue collar jobs to support himself and send money home before he got his education. Being underpaid in white collar corporate America was the most he ever achieved, and I am incredibly proud of him.

My parents have continued to live within their means as retirees. My mom doesn’t have any designer purses or clothes, nor does she value or expect them. They place no expectations or guilt on us kids to support them, although we took them on a big vacation this year that they unsuccessfully tried to help pay for.

I hope that you’ll adjust your expectations and your lifestyle, if appropriate. Your daughter was raised here, and she will feel resentment for having to help her parents financially, especially if you are living a lifestyle in which you are trying to keep up with flashy Korean families. It will hurt your relationship with her.

OP here. Okay, finally someone who gets it. We have only one car (which is rare in this area), and it’s a 12 year-old Toyota. We live as frugally as your parents, it seems like.

Also, how is it possible that your dad worked “dangerous blue collar jobs” but also worked in IT?

I get that NYC finance is hard. My daughter complains a lot about the hours. But I hope my daughter doesn’t feel resentment for trying to help me and my wife in retirement. It’s part of our culture, as you know. I hope that you don’t feel resentful towards your parents when you have to help them out as they age. They sacrificed a lot for you, as you know.

PP here. My dad initially emigrated from Korea to another country where he worked as a miner before he was able to get an education and move to the States. I have so much respect for him.

Girl…I’m sorry. I think the bottom line is that you don’t like the hand that you were dealt. Your parents made huge decisions without asking you and are demanding that you fall in line. At the same time, you *have* benefited from their decisions. Plenty of non-immigrants are in the same boat. The question is, what are you going to do about it? If I were in your shoes, I would focus on your own financial and mental stability, because you can’t help anyone, including yourself, without that. Do you want to go back to b-school and transition into something else? Plenty of people use the skills they learn from their time in i-banking to go into other fields. Try to figure out what you hate about I-banking and what you think you’d enjoy doing instead. I think there’s a book called “What Color is Your Parachute“ that helps you think that through.

You also need to set some expectations for your parents. “Dad, I’ll pay you back $_____ for college.” Or, “Dad, I can give you $___ a month until I get married” (and then it’s best to make decisions jointly with spouse). “You will need to keep saving for your own retirement.” Does your company offer any kind of mental health benefit? I think it would be helpful for you to talk through all of this with a therapist. Good luck with everything. Glad we were able to connect, even anonymously. ✌️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in ouo spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

I cannot imagine asking my parents to take out loans in their name of any kind for me to go to college. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I was going into my portal and paying my own tuition bill each semester.

Thank you. Yes, taking out a 401k loan means that my daughter has at least some obligation to support me in retirement.

No, it does not. She should have taken out a 30k federal loan instead.

OP here. In my first post I said that my daughter took out the $30k federal loan. In addition to that, I also took out the 401k loan because we could not meet our EFC.

Then she could have taken a private loan. That is what I did when my parents refused to pay anything and I had to meet the EFC. A private loan would have been better than a parent thinking a loan of 30k entitles him to her supporting him and his wife (who refused to work) in retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Behind every high achieving immigrant kid is a mom that spent years of supplementing, tutoring, monitoring classes and grades and ensuring her kid is succeeding, getting into the right honors, AP classes and extracurricular activities.

It’s actually a lot of work. So don’t bash SAHM moms.

That is just not true. All parents do this. It is not unique to immigrants. Cry me a river.

[Anonymous]

I don't know what type of retirement living your parents think they deserve if it requires being subsidized by their daughter. I'm living just fine on less than 40K a year in pension and SS with no debt and a great deal on a condo. I have less than 30K in the bank. The last thing I'm contemplating is expecting my kids to support me in any way financially. There might come a day when I end up living with one of them in my old age for care but I will bring my income with me so it won't be a financial burden. And BTW both my kids wouldn't hesitate to make that work.

I think discussions with your parents about retirement ought to focus on how they can live comfortably on the income and savings they have, not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As your daughter I’d write you a check for $33K (maybe $40K so you can’t whine about interest) and then change my phone number and never speak to you again.

Same but I’m sure she suffers from a lifetime of guilt and brainwashing.

Americans are so strange and silly. In most cultures around the world, children pay it back by supporting their elderly parents.

Not if your lazy a$$ mom just sat on her a$$ her whole adult life

No. SAH moms were not called lazy a$$ moms. Beside, we did not grow up with divorced and checked out parents. We are able to do well in life because we were loved and felt that we belonged to a family. Most of us, saw our parents look after grandparents and siblings. That is what makes us a family.

No one is looking at a WASP American family and wanting that for ourselves. LOL. You cannot be happy if you are in a cold and selfish family. Most Americans WASPs also do not pay for their kids college or wedding. If they divorce, most are deadbeat parents who do not pay child-support. So, sorry, no one wants the American model of family. It is the kind of emotionally barren family life that spawns Putin, Hitler and Trump.

Putin is a WASP?

[Anonymous]

Ah. This whole is based on a lie. Why is anyone believing anything this OP says?
OP shame on you for making an entire group of immigrants look bad.

[Anonymous]

Have you told your parents you are unhappy? I would tell them, come up with a plan to pay them back with some interest and be very forthright about your ability to help them as they approach retirement age. You should ask your parents what their retirement plans are and explain what, if any, you see your role to be. My dad is Indian and expected me to support him, even after he was a terrible father. Nope, not happening.

[Anonymous]

OP I read pages 1 and 13 so I definitely missed some things. However, I'm having a hard time seeing how a $400K 401K, plus SS, plus home equity of $700K leaves much for you to cover. Have you talked to your parents about their specific plans and expectations for retirement? If they expect you to be their retirement plan it makes sense for you to be having specific conversations about expectations, and for your parents to consider your advice to ensure your parents' money is working for them, especially since you work in finance.

My DH earns less than your dad and is early 40s. His current social security estimate is a little more than $40K if he retires at 65. I'll get $20K social security annually if I don't return to work and end up earning more social security on my own (if I return to work I'll likely just have my own social security). Combined, that is $60K. Your parents' social security may well be more. I was reading on another finance blog about $90K a year being a common spend rate. So say your parents need $30K more than social security provides. It would take 13 years to burn through your dad's $400K 401K if it were all cash and they started using it now. This leaves $700K of home equity today, which would likely be more over the next 13+ years.