What is with DCUM women and "mental loads?"

[Anonymous]

It's more of the usual DCUM woman trope of woman, good; man, bad. Lather, rinse, repeat!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is BS. Look I married my wife she had a good job. She got pregnant on our first anniversary. Went on maternity leave on our 22 month of marriage. Took six months off. Max amount allowed and most unpaid. Went back to work a few weeks and begged me to be a SAHM she did not want to works. I said that means I have to double my income as we need both incomes. She said focus on career I will take care of everything with kids etc.

I still did the manly things, car repairs, mowing lawn, gutter cleaning, home repairs, changing sheets, paying bills. Doing taxes, managing investments, kids games on weekends. Helping get heavy grocery shopping stuff, getting ready birthday parties and holidays. I also worked 55 hours a week.
Sorry if she cooked, sewed, wrote Xmas cards, did all bday and Xmas shopping kids. It is her job

We had three kids and she never went back. Today as example I paid $2,300 to have her car repaired, moved boxes for Xmas for her and in exchange I worked 10 hours and she is making dinner and got a kid breakfast and in the bus.

How foolish would I look if I mailed out Xmas cards and cook thanksgiving dinner when my wife does not work and she drives a $50,000 when new SUV and lives in a 1.5 million dollar home.

This is a situation where it is 100% appropriate the wife handles the mental load. That's the job she has taken on. Doesn't sound like she's asking you to do any of it but it doesn't sound at all like you value what she does either.

The unequal mental load is really an issue for couples where both work full time but all that stuff still has to get done and men either don't recognize that any of that exists or see it but refuse to do it.

The problem in this scenario is that the man earning $$$ is treating his wife as a paid employee. The attitude is “why would I do that stuff when I’m paying her to do it?” That’s troubling because it’s so transactional. And it also skips over two key issues:

1) A lot of what gets passed off as “mental load” is basic care work that helps children develop emotionally and in their relationships. Men have to take some of this on in order to have functional relationships with their kids, to build trust with them and ensure they have a second parental figure who they know cares about them. When men put this part of parenting entirely in women, even a SAHM, it’s really bad for kids (and for moms, actually). If your attitude is “well I make money so I don’t have to pay attention to what Larla is doing in school or how she feels about life” you are abdicating parental responsibility. That’s really not something you should delegate to one spouse.

2) What happens if the SAHM gets hurt it ill, has to go care for an ailing parent, etc? Some of what she does can be outsourced to [several, it must be said] paid professionals. But some, including the mental load that keeps track of who needs what when and keeps things humming cannot. A true partner will understand he has to pick up the slack. Just like a SAHM might take on a side job or seasonal work or just get a regular job if her spouse lost his job or was denied a bonus or had a bad business year.

If your marrrage is purely transactional, it’s broken. If you expect your wife to appreciate what you do because it provides money, but don’t appreciate her unpaid labor, she will be unhappy, full stop. It’s not a tenable situation. It’s not a real marriage.

My wife did get hospitalized and then bed rest when I had a 5 and 7 year old at home for 16 weeks. Believe it or not. I got kids up, dressed, breakfast and ready every day. I hired a women from 7-4 every day to help. But she was useless. Then I had someone from 3-530pm . I cave home made dinner, homework, when wife I’m hospital pack up to see her. My real work was juggling wife being either in hospital or in bed rest.

I paid around 700 a month on the help that was so so not the best. So for $52,000 could have replaced her.

And folks who belittle me when wife left work
We were short cash a few years. I painted rooms, installed sinks, faucets, doors, electrical work, built a deck. I was not calling people like I do today. My wife literally gets frazzled if I ask her to read a document since been 20 years home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

Right!
Add all the bill paying & investments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

If this isn’t hard for you, you are either superdad or crummy at your job and at parenting.

That’s not right or fair. Sometimes people things “extra hard” - this dad probably doesn’t. Maybe ask him for advice instead of insulting him?

Typo! I meant “people make things”…

I suggested he could be super dad! I didn’t insult him.

But I’ll bite. What’s your meal plan method (I’m assuming you have at least one picky eater; if not, give me suggestions for the too). How do you keep track of addresses for your Christmas cards? Do you do a professional shoot for your Christmas card photos or just take the photos yourself? How do you coordinate Christmas card clothing? How do you keep track of birthdays for extended families? How do you decide what to get them? Do you go through the school calendar at the beginning of the year and sync that to your calendar, or do you do it monthly? Do you keep materials on hand for last minute school projects or do you make a last-minute target run? How did you choose your kids’ dentist? Their pediatrician? How would you choose a therapist for them? Woukd you put them on a king waiting list for one that takes your insurance or pay out of pocket? How did you choose which extracurriculars your kid does? Do you expose them to lots or just sign them up for what they ask for? When do you go through and make sure your kids have the clothing size they need? Do you just deal with that as it comes up or do it regularly every season? What potty training method did you use, or did you let daycare take care of that? What do you do for childcare and how did you settle on that? How do you deal with behavioral issues and do you scan your kids for symptoms mental issues like ADHD? What do you look for? What is your plan for elder care when the time comes? What is your screen time policy and how did you settle on that? Do your kids get regular exercise and time outside?

If im complicating any of this, by all means, let me know.

"Superdad" here.

Yes, you're needlessly complicating this. It's no wonder you're complaining about "mental loads." Ninety percent of the crap you list is unnecessary or silly. Maybe you value it, but that's a YOU thing. Normal people don't do these things. I'll try to answer them.

What’s your meal plan method (I’m assuming you have at least one picky eater; if not, give me suggestions for the too). DDs and I make a menu for the week on Sunday. I do the shopping. This isn't hard.

How do you keep track of addresses for your Christmas cards? Spreadsheet. I know there are better methods, but I like Excel. It's pretty easy.

Do you do a professional shoot for your Christmas card photos or just take the photos yourself? Considering that most of the people who receive our facebook cards, we don't do photos. But it's a strange assumption that you think we would? Or that this is typical? I mean, congratulations or something for doing it, but, this is one of those "you" things that no one gives a shit about. I do write an annual letter, usually the Sunday after Thanksgiving after we have put up and decorated the tree.

How do you coordinate Christmas card clothing? We don't. See above. This is complete nonsense. Again, if it makes you happy, but if placing importance on something like this equals "mental load" for you, well, that's just your hang-up.

How do you keep track of birthdays for extended families? So, they have these neat things called "calendars." They're even electronic, these days.

How do you decide what to get them? Get them? I don't send gifts to extended family members. I do for my nieces and nephews -- when they were little, I'd shop for small kids things. Now I just send them cash. There are six of them so it's not hard to remember and that nifty calendar thing helps remind me. My parents and my late wife's parents get restaurant reservations and prepaid dinners for birthdays and anniversaries every year.

Do you go through the school calendar at the beginning of the year and sync that to your calendar, or do you do it monthly? Beginning of the year. But, this is amazing -- apparently you know what a calendar is after all! Why were you asking about birthdays if you know what a calendar is?

Do you keep materials on hand for last minute school projects or do you make a last-minute target run? We have a pretty stocked closet, actually. More art supplies than you could handle. And Walgreens and Michaels are around the corner. That said, "school projects" these days don't usually require materials like that and haven't since middle school. I think this is kind of a silly question, though -- isn't this what most people do? Is this hard for you?

How did you choose your kids’ dentist? Their pediatrician? Well, these were selected years ago. You see, we have this thing called "insurance." And the insurance provider has this thing called a "network." So, when I was looking for medical care for my children (which happened when my wife was alive, but I took care of this), I started by identifying in-network providers. We tried a few. The first pediatrician wasn't a good fit so we moved to another one. The dentist was great and then we moved to an adult dentist once they were about 14. I could be wrong, but I think this is how most people choose their care providers, by starting by searching for in-network providers. There might have been some word-of-mouth involved as well, but I don't recall. It's been a while.

How would you choose a therapist for them? I chose my children's therapists the same way -- by searching for in-network providers who took insurance and calling around to see who was accepting new patients. And then trying to find the right fit. The oldest went through about five therapists before finding one that clicked with her. The youngest was good to go with her first one. Right now, I just loaded up the FSA for 2022 (an "FSA" stands for "flexible spending account -- it's a feature of that insurance thing I mentioned that allows you to pay for deductibles using pre-tax dollars deducted from payroll). It took some doing, but they're both in a good place now.

Woukd you put them on a king waiting list for one that takes your insurance or pay out of pocket? See above. I did pay out of pocket for one who was supposed to be good, but, as I said, she wasn't a good fit for my daughter.

How did you choose which extracurriculars your kid does? Well, they're old enough now that they make these decisions for themselves. When they were much younger, I had a novel approach: I asked them what they might like to do. For a while, I coached their softball teams.

Do you expose them to lots or just sign them up for what they ask for? I generally am supportive of most things they want to do. When younger DD landed the lead role in a community play, I was sure to drive her to every rehearsal. I also helped her submit for professional auditions and she ended up performing in some paid industrial films. Now she's playing lacrosse. My oldest played softball and got a job -- I used to drive her until she was old enough to drive herself.

When do you go through and make sure your kids have the clothing size they need? I used to do this twice a year -- in June/July as back to school sales started and then in October when it started to get cold. Shoes were more frequent -- boy, they went through those fast. Now they've stopped growing so it's more a case of I give them a budget and some money and allow them to do their own shopping. They can supplement their wardrobe above what I will pay for with their part-time job money. Again, why do you think this is hard?


Do you just deal with that as it comes up or do it regularly every season?

What potty training method did you use, or did you let daycare take care of that? Honestly, I do not remember. My wife might have handled that. It was more than a decade ago.

What do you do for childcare and how did you settle on that? I don't do anything for daycare. I work from home and they are in school most of the time. When they were young, I was a work-at-home dad for a while and my wife spent some time as a SAHM when she was alive. After she died, I primarily worked from home and had aftercare after I got them to school. I took care of the mornings.

How do you deal with behavioral issues and do you scan your kids for symptoms mental issues like ADHD? Well, when they were very young I used 1-2-3 Magic. I remember that pretty well. As they got older, my discipline style was I set expectations and you meet them -- if you misbehave, I will apply natural consequences. I don't punish for the sake of punishing. Adolescence is trickier, but my kids know I don't take any shit -- but I also don't hold grudges. You screw up, you're grounded or whatever might be the appropriate consequence but once it's done, I won't throw it back in their face. In general, they make good decisions.... The oldest has mental health issues -- anxiety and depression. She spent time in a PHP program (that I found, through insurance, since I'm sure you will ask). This is why she's been in and continues to be in therapy. It's not always an easy ride, but we're still here.

What do you look for? What is your plan for elder care when the time comes? Elder care for me or my parents? I don't know about my parents -- that frightens me, a little bit to be sure. They're in their 70s and still healthy but I know that could change... Elder care for me? I don't know -- if it comes to that, put me in a home, I guess.

What is your screen time policy and how did you settle on that? Oh, I lost that battle when they got phones. When they were little, I regulated screen time more carefully, especially the content they had. Now as teens, my rules are more simple: No phones at the dinner table, put it down when you are talking to me. Don't do anything stupid/permanent like send nudes, although I no longer monitor. They know not to use phones in the car while driving. I just have to trust they will be smart.

Do your kids get regular exercise and time outside? Well, yes. As I said, one plays lacrosse and is currently in winter track. The older one is in college now (first year) and active in intramurals. She was a varsity athlete.


I'm still kind of bewildered by your line of questioning. It seems vaguely hostile. Maybe you can elaborate on why you felt the need to ask these things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

You have no spouse. How can you compare?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

If you had a spouse who adds to the labor in your household (one more person to feed, one more person whose laundry needs to be done, one more person who has appointments and commitments around which family plans have to be made), but that spouse didn’t contribute equally to running the household, you might feel resentful. Also, was there anything that your wife did that you don’t do for the household? Do you entertain just as much, decorate just as much, write as many thank you cards, stay in equally in touch with extended relatives, buy as many gifts for your nieces/nephews, etc.? If you do, that’s wonderful, but you’re the exception, not the rule.

How do you know this? I mean it’s just what you think and it isn’t actually based on facts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

If this isn’t hard for you, you are either superdad or crummy at your job and at parenting.

That’s not right or fair. Sometimes people things “extra hard” - this dad probably doesn’t. Maybe ask him for advice instead of insulting him?

Typo! I meant “people make things”…

I suggested he could be super dad! I didn’t insult him.

But I’ll bite. What’s your meal plan method (I’m assuming you have at least one picky eater; if not, give me suggestions for the too). How do you keep track of addresses for your Christmas cards? Do you do a professional shoot for your Christmas card photos or just take the photos yourself? How do you coordinate Christmas card clothing? How do you keep track of birthdays for extended families? How do you decide what to get them? Do you go through the school calendar at the beginning of the year and sync that to your calendar, or do you do it monthly? Do you keep materials on hand for last minute school projects or do you make a last-minute target run? How did you choose your kids’ dentist? Their pediatrician? How would you choose a therapist for them? Woukd you put them on a king waiting list for one that takes your insurance or pay out of pocket? How did you choose which extracurriculars your kid does? Do you expose them to lots or just sign them up for what they ask for? When do you go through and make sure your kids have the clothing size they need? Do you just deal with that as it comes up or do it regularly every season? What potty training method did you use, or did you let daycare take care of that? What do you do for childcare and how did you settle on that? How do you deal with behavioral issues and do you scan your kids for symptoms mental issues like ADHD? What do you look for? What is your plan for elder care when the time comes? What is your screen time policy and how did you settle on that? Do your kids get regular exercise and time outside?

If im complicating any of this, by all means, let me know.

"Superdad" here.

Yes, you're needlessly complicating this. It's no wonder you're complaining about "mental loads." Ninety percent of the crap you list is unnecessary or silly. Maybe you value it, but that's a YOU thing. Normal people don't do these things. I'll try to answer them.

What’s your meal plan method (I’m assuming you have at least one picky eater; if not, give me suggestions for the too). DDs and I make a menu for the week on Sunday. I do the shopping. This isn't hard.

How do you keep track of addresses for your Christmas cards? Spreadsheet. I know there are better methods, but I like Excel. It's pretty easy.

Do you do a professional shoot for your Christmas card photos or just take the photos yourself? Considering that most of the people who receive our facebook cards, we don't do photos. But it's a strange assumption that you think we would? Or that this is typical? I mean, congratulations or something for doing it, but, this is one of those "you" things that no one gives a shit about. I do write an annual letter, usually the Sunday after Thanksgiving after we have put up and decorated the tree.

How do you coordinate Christmas card clothing? We don't. See above. This is complete nonsense. Again, if it makes you happy, but if placing importance on something like this equals "mental load" for you, well, that's just your hang-up.

How do you keep track of birthdays for extended families? So, they have these neat things called "calendars." They're even electronic, these days.

How do you decide what to get them? Get them? I don't send gifts to extended family members. I do for my nieces and nephews -- when they were little, I'd shop for small kids things. Now I just send them cash. There are six of them so it's not hard to remember and that nifty calendar thing helps remind me. My parents and my late wife's parents get restaurant reservations and prepaid dinners for birthdays and anniversaries every year.

Do you go through the school calendar at the beginning of the year and sync that to your calendar, or do you do it monthly? Beginning of the year. But, this is amazing -- apparently you know what a calendar is after all! Why were you asking about birthdays if you know what a calendar is?

Do you keep materials on hand for last minute school projects or do you make a last-minute target run? We have a pretty stocked closet, actually. More art supplies than you could handle. And Walgreens and Michaels are around the corner. That said, "school projects" these days don't usually require materials like that and haven't since middle school. I think this is kind of a silly question, though -- isn't this what most people do? Is this hard for you?

How did you choose your kids’ dentist? Their pediatrician? Well, these were selected years ago. You see, we have this thing called "insurance." And the insurance provider has this thing called a "network." So, when I was looking for medical care for my children (which happened when my wife was alive, but I took care of this), I started by identifying in-network providers. We tried a few. The first pediatrician wasn't a good fit so we moved to another one. The dentist was great and then we moved to an adult dentist once they were about 14. I could be wrong, but I think this is how most people choose their care providers, by starting by searching for in-network providers. There might have been some word-of-mouth involved as well, but I don't recall. It's been a while.

How would you choose a therapist for them? I chose my children's therapists the same way -- by searching for in-network providers who took insurance and calling around to see who was accepting new patients. And then trying to find the right fit. The oldest went through about five therapists before finding one that clicked with her. The youngest was good to go with her first one. Right now, I just loaded up the FSA for 2022 (an "FSA" stands for "flexible spending account -- it's a feature of that insurance thing I mentioned that allows you to pay for deductibles using pre-tax dollars deducted from payroll). It took some doing, but they're both in a good place now.

Woukd you put them on a king waiting list for one that takes your insurance or pay out of pocket? See above. I did pay out of pocket for one who was supposed to be good, but, as I said, she wasn't a good fit for my daughter.

How did you choose which extracurriculars your kid does? Well, they're old enough now that they make these decisions for themselves. When they were much younger, I had a novel approach: I asked them what they might like to do. For a while, I coached their softball teams.

Do you expose them to lots or just sign them up for what they ask for? I generally am supportive of most things they want to do. When younger DD landed the lead role in a community play, I was sure to drive her to every rehearsal. I also helped her submit for professional auditions and she ended up performing in some paid industrial films. Now she's playing lacrosse. My oldest played softball and got a job -- I used to drive her until she was old enough to drive herself.

When do you go through and make sure your kids have the clothing size they need? I used to do this twice a year -- in June/July as back to school sales started and then in October when it started to get cold. Shoes were more frequent -- boy, they went through those fast. Now they've stopped growing so it's more a case of I give them a budget and some money and allow them to do their own shopping. They can supplement their wardrobe above what I will pay for with their part-time job money. Again, why do you think this is hard?


Do you just deal with that as it comes up or do it regularly every season?

What potty training method did you use, or did you let daycare take care of that? Honestly, I do not remember. My wife might have handled that. It was more than a decade ago.

What do you do for childcare and how did you settle on that? I don't do anything for daycare. I work from home and they are in school most of the time. When they were young, I was a work-at-home dad for a while and my wife spent some time as a SAHM when she was alive. After she died, I primarily worked from home and had aftercare after I got them to school. I took care of the mornings.

How do you deal with behavioral issues and do you scan your kids for symptoms mental issues like ADHD? Well, when they were very young I used 1-2-3 Magic. I remember that pretty well. As they got older, my discipline style was I set expectations and you meet them -- if you misbehave, I will apply natural consequences. I don't punish for the sake of punishing. Adolescence is trickier, but my kids know I don't take any shit -- but I also don't hold grudges. You screw up, you're grounded or whatever might be the appropriate consequence but once it's done, I won't throw it back in their face. In general, they make good decisions.... The oldest has mental health issues -- anxiety and depression. She spent time in a PHP program (that I found, through insurance, since I'm sure you will ask). This is why she's been in and continues to be in therapy. It's not always an easy ride, but we're still here.

What do you look for? What is your plan for elder care when the time comes? Elder care for me or my parents? I don't know about my parents -- that frightens me, a little bit to be sure. They're in their 70s and still healthy but I know that could change... Elder care for me? I don't know -- if it comes to that, put me in a home, I guess.

What is your screen time policy and how did you settle on that? Oh, I lost that battle when they got phones. When they were little, I regulated screen time more carefully, especially the content they had. Now as teens, my rules are more simple: No phones at the dinner table, put it down when you are talking to me. Don't do anything stupid/permanent like send nudes, although I no longer monitor. They know not to use phones in the car while driving. I just have to trust they will be smart.

Do your kids get regular exercise and time outside? Well, yes. As I said, one plays lacrosse and is currently in winter track. The older one is in college now (first year) and active in intramurals. She was a varsity athlete.


I'm still kind of bewildered by your line of questioning. It seems vaguely hostile. Maybe you can elaborate on why you felt the need to ask these things?

NP. If I were not happily married, I would so marry you. Your sarcasm, wit, candor and your overall great-dad-ing and general capability are really sugaring my plum right now.

In all seriousness, you are an amazing dad, and your kids are very lucky to have you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

You have no spouse. How can you compare?

DP. I do all of those things and I have a spouse. This is not rocket science.

In addition to working, I monitor the 2 elders (both related to me through my husband) who live with us and provide care to them. Should I be running around shrieking "I'm melting, I'm melting" because my "mental load" is so great? No. Because my husband is doing more than his fair share. I would tenfold prefer to manage the calendars and schedules of the 12 people in our household, as well as housecleaning and meal prep, on top of my job rather than have to deal with the regular household maintenance, car maintenance, yard maintenance, home security, etc that my husband does. You want a party planned? Please let me do it. You want the wood pile moved, you need to talk to my husband. In our household we divide and conquer, and we each have taken the things that we are better at.

Some of you sound like complete helpless ninnies. Pull on your big girl panties for heaven's sake. None of this is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is BS. Look I married my wife she had a good job. She got pregnant on our first anniversary. Went on maternity leave on our 22 month of marriage. Took six months off. Max amount allowed and most unpaid. Went back to work a few weeks and begged me to be a SAHM she did not want to works. I said that means I have to double my income as we need both incomes. She said focus on career I will take care of everything with kids etc.

I still did the manly things, car repairs, mowing lawn, gutter cleaning, home repairs, changing sheets, paying bills. Doing taxes, managing investments, kids games on weekends. Helping get heavy grocery shopping stuff, getting ready birthday parties and holidays. I also worked 55 hours a week.
Sorry if she cooked, sewed, wrote Xmas cards, did all bday and Xmas shopping kids. It is her job

We had three kids and she never went back. Today as example I paid $2,300 to have her car repaired, moved boxes for Xmas for her and in exchange I worked 10 hours and she is making dinner and got a kid breakfast and in the bus.

How foolish would I look if I mailed out Xmas cards and cook thanksgiving dinner when my wife does not work and she drives a $50,000 when new SUV and lives in a 1.5 million dollar home.

MOST of us have FT jobs-glad it went over your head. Youve split 50/50- she does the house crap and you bring the money/man stuff. We are talking about women who work FT jobs and then also do all of what your SAHM wife does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work in an elementary school and often kids are sent to school without coats in the winter. Every single time, it's when the dad drops them off. Every. Time. If you say something to the father, their reply is along the lines of "oh, she forgot to grab it this morning! Oops!" Which may be acceptable for a 5th grader, but for a kindergartener or first grader, who can't be responsible for remembering every single thing they bring to school, it's not okay. The parent needs to verify that the kid has everything. And the next day, guess what, dad forgets the coat again.

But, talking with the dads got nowhere, so now we have to say something to the moms as well if we want the kids to be warm. So now, while dad is technically doing the drop off, mom has to take on the mental load of letting dad know he forgot the coat and making sure he brings it at all future drop offs. Now mom has to pack all school things up the night before, double check that dad got everything, remind her child to grab their coat, etc. And when that's happening for multiple little things, it all starts to add up.

And, even worse, dads will have excuses like "I don't know where her coat is" or for the divorced ones, "she doesn't have a coat at my place". So it's clear they think knowing where basic necessities are isn't important since mom can do it, and that mom should be responsible for getting necessities for dad's house, too.

Saw it play out in action among 8th graders at school today.

My kids *know* if they want outdoor play time, they need to clean up after lunch. They’ve been told a million times.

Yet without fail, the boys will finish eating and then start goofing off. The girls want to go out, so their options are to either do all the cleaning themselves, or they have to nag the boys over and over to clean up. This goes on until finally lunch time is over, they lost the opportunity to go out, and the boys are pissed at me since it’s somehow my fault they can’t remember to clean. Or, girls will finish cleaning everything, I’ll let them go out, and the boys start heading out the door thinking they’re entitled to go, too, despite doing zero work.

So the girls are carrying the load of 1. Remembering to clean up and 2. Doing most of the cleaning themselves.

Pissed me off so much today that the rest of the week, girls get to go out while boys have to stay behind and clean everything. They gotta learn somehow.

See the problem here isn’t the dynamic you describe. It’s the stupid rule that you have to clean up before going out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't understand this term "mental" load, maybe menial load, physical load, but mental - no, that's not right.

I also call it “administrative load” because it’s what the admin staff at my job do. But it’s *not* physical load. DH will do the physical work of cleaning bottles if I remind him a few times. He will never ever take over monitoring how many more feeds the baby will have before we need to wash bottles again and thus notice himself it’s time to do it. That’s the mental part.

Why don't you let him experience the consequence of not thinking ahead? You have assumed the mental load. Stop doing it.

The baby won't die if she cries for 5 minutes while your husband washes a bottle. And perhaps the experience will help your husband understand that when he is feeding the baby a bottle, he should look to see if the next one is ready to go.

Why am I having to explain this to you?

[Anonymous]

This is why I stayed single. My married friends are exhausted and miserable. I have only myself to worry about.
I used to date for occasional male company, but even that created work. Men would always make me plan everything, under the auspices of "whatever you want, I'm not picky". Every time I'd let a man into my house, he'd break something. And their places were always filthy. No toilet paper and sheets that probably hadn't been changed in six months. No thanks. I have a vibrator which gets me off much better than a man can, and a dog who is a wonderful companion who cuddles like a boss and has never broken anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not new, and it's not exclusive to DCUM. Who in your household keeps track of birthdays, doctors appointments, clothing sizes, early dismissals, permission slips, camp signups, holiday cards, and meal planning? Does that person also have a paid job?

I do all of this and have a paid job. It's not hard. Why do women seem to struggle with it?

-- Single Dad.

If this isn’t hard for you, you are either superdad or crummy at your job and at parenting.

That’s not right or fair. Sometimes people things “extra hard” - this dad probably doesn’t. Maybe ask him for advice instead of insulting him?

Typo! I meant “people make things”…

I suggested he could be super dad! I didn’t insult him.

But I’ll bite. What’s your meal plan method (I’m assuming you have at least one picky eater; if not, give me suggestions for the too). How do you keep track of addresses for your Christmas cards? Do you do a professional shoot for your Christmas card photos or just take the photos yourself? How do you coordinate Christmas card clothing? How do you keep track of birthdays for extended families? How do you decide what to get them? Do you go through the school calendar at the beginning of the year and sync that to your calendar, or do you do it monthly? Do you keep materials on hand for last minute school projects or do you make a last-minute target run? How did you choose your kids’ dentist? Their pediatrician? How would you choose a therapist for them? Woukd you put them on a king waiting list for one that takes your insurance or pay out of pocket? How did you choose which extracurriculars your kid does? Do you expose them to lots or just sign them up for what they ask for? When do you go through and make sure your kids have the clothing size they need? Do you just deal with that as it comes up or do it regularly every season? What potty training method did you use, or did you let daycare take care of that? What do you do for childcare and how did you settle on that? How do you deal with behavioral issues and do you scan your kids for symptoms mental issues like ADHD? What do you look for? What is your plan for elder care when the time comes? What is your screen time policy and how did you settle on that? Do your kids get regular exercise and time outside?

If im complicating any of this, by all means, let me know.

"Superdad" here.

Yes, you're needlessly complicating this. It's no wonder you're complaining about "mental loads." Ninety percent of the crap you list is unnecessary or silly. Maybe you value it, but that's a YOU thing. Normal people don't do these things. I'll try to answer them.

What’s your meal plan method (I’m assuming you have at least one picky eater; if not, give me suggestions for the too). DDs and I make a menu for the week on Sunday. I do the shopping. This isn't hard.

How do you keep track of addresses for your Christmas cards? Spreadsheet. I know there are better methods, but I like Excel. It's pretty easy.

Do you do a professional shoot for your Christmas card photos or just take the photos yourself? Considering that most of the people who receive our facebook cards, we don't do photos. But it's a strange assumption that you think we would? Or that this is typical? I mean, congratulations or something for doing it, but, this is one of those "you" things that no one gives a shit about. I do write an annual letter, usually the Sunday after Thanksgiving after we have put up and decorated the tree.

How do you coordinate Christmas card clothing? We don't. See above. This is complete nonsense. Again, if it makes you happy, but if placing importance on something like this equals "mental load" for you, well, that's just your hang-up.

How do you keep track of birthdays for extended families? So, they have these neat things called "calendars." They're even electronic, these days.

How do you decide what to get them? Get them? I don't send gifts to extended family members. I do for my nieces and nephews -- when they were little, I'd shop for small kids things. Now I just send them cash. There are six of them so it's not hard to remember and that nifty calendar thing helps remind me. My parents and my late wife's parents get restaurant reservations and prepaid dinners for birthdays and anniversaries every year.

Do you go through the school calendar at the beginning of the year and sync that to your calendar, or do you do it monthly? Beginning of the year. But, this is amazing -- apparently you know what a calendar is after all! Why were you asking about birthdays if you know what a calendar is?

Do you keep materials on hand for last minute school projects or do you make a last-minute target run? We have a pretty stocked closet, actually. More art supplies than you could handle. And Walgreens and Michaels are around the corner. That said, "school projects" these days don't usually require materials like that and haven't since middle school. I think this is kind of a silly question, though -- isn't this what most people do? Is this hard for you?

How did you choose your kids’ dentist? Their pediatrician? Well, these were selected years ago. You see, we have this thing called "insurance." And the insurance provider has this thing called a "network." So, when I was looking for medical care for my children (which happened when my wife was alive, but I took care of this), I started by identifying in-network providers. We tried a few. The first pediatrician wasn't a good fit so we moved to another one. The dentist was great and then we moved to an adult dentist once they were about 14. I could be wrong, but I think this is how most people choose their care providers, by starting by searching for in-network providers. There might have been some word-of-mouth involved as well, but I don't recall. It's been a while.

How would you choose a therapist for them? I chose my children's therapists the same way -- by searching for in-network providers who took insurance and calling around to see who was accepting new patients. And then trying to find the right fit. The oldest went through about five therapists before finding one that clicked with her. The youngest was good to go with her first one. Right now, I just loaded up the FSA for 2022 (an "FSA" stands for "flexible spending account -- it's a feature of that insurance thing I mentioned that allows you to pay for deductibles using pre-tax dollars deducted from payroll). It took some doing, but they're both in a good place now.

Woukd you put them on a king waiting list for one that takes your insurance or pay out of pocket? See above. I did pay out of pocket for one who was supposed to be good, but, as I said, she wasn't a good fit for my daughter.

How did you choose which extracurriculars your kid does? Well, they're old enough now that they make these decisions for themselves. When they were much younger, I had a novel approach: I asked them what they might like to do. For a while, I coached their softball teams.

Do you expose them to lots or just sign them up for what they ask for? I generally am supportive of most things they want to do. When younger DD landed the lead role in a community play, I was sure to drive her to every rehearsal. I also helped her submit for professional auditions and she ended up performing in some paid industrial films. Now she's playing lacrosse. My oldest played softball and got a job -- I used to drive her until she was old enough to drive herself.

When do you go through and make sure your kids have the clothing size they need? I used to do this twice a year -- in June/July as back to school sales started and then in October when it started to get cold. Shoes were more frequent -- boy, they went through those fast. Now they've stopped growing so it's more a case of I give them a budget and some money and allow them to do their own shopping. They can supplement their wardrobe above what I will pay for with their part-time job money. Again, why do you think this is hard?


Do you just deal with that as it comes up or do it regularly every season?

What potty training method did you use, or did you let daycare take care of that? Honestly, I do not remember. My wife might have handled that. It was more than a decade ago.

What do you do for childcare and how did you settle on that? I don't do anything for daycare. I work from home and they are in school most of the time. When they were young, I was a work-at-home dad for a while and my wife spent some time as a SAHM when she was alive. After she died, I primarily worked from home and had aftercare after I got them to school. I took care of the mornings.

How do you deal with behavioral issues and do you scan your kids for symptoms mental issues like ADHD? Well, when they were very young I used 1-2-3 Magic. I remember that pretty well. As they got older, my discipline style was I set expectations and you meet them -- if you misbehave, I will apply natural consequences. I don't punish for the sake of punishing. Adolescence is trickier, but my kids know I don't take any shit -- but I also don't hold grudges. You screw up, you're grounded or whatever might be the appropriate consequence but once it's done, I won't throw it back in their face. In general, they make good decisions.... The oldest has mental health issues -- anxiety and depression. She spent time in a PHP program (that I found, through insurance, since I'm sure you will ask). This is why she's been in and continues to be in therapy. It's not always an easy ride, but we're still here.

What do you look for? What is your plan for elder care when the time comes? Elder care for me or my parents? I don't know about my parents -- that frightens me, a little bit to be sure. They're in their 70s and still healthy but I know that could change... Elder care for me? I don't know -- if it comes to that, put me in a home, I guess.

What is your screen time policy and how did you settle on that? Oh, I lost that battle when they got phones. When they were little, I regulated screen time more carefully, especially the content they had. Now as teens, my rules are more simple: No phones at the dinner table, put it down when you are talking to me. Don't do anything stupid/permanent like send nudes, although I no longer monitor. They know not to use phones in the car while driving. I just have to trust they will be smart.

Do your kids get regular exercise and time outside? Well, yes. As I said, one plays lacrosse and is currently in winter track. The older one is in college now (first year) and active in intramurals. She was a varsity athlete.


I'm still kind of bewildered by your line of questioning. It seems vaguely hostile. Maybe you can elaborate on why you felt the need to ask these things?

^^^ above was garbled about “Facebook cards.” I meant to say most people who receive cards are Facebook friends and see photos of kids frequently so I don’t see the point of a posed Christmas card.

I am surprised pp didn’t ask about things like vacations (I plan those too) and I notice she never asked a thing about home maintenance— keeping track of when is the pest guy coming, does hair in the bathroom drain need to be fished out, how many times will the lawn need to be mowed at peak growing season, omg does the tree need to be trimmed, how do I find an electrician to replace the broken dome light in the hall, etc etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work in an elementary school and often kids are sent to school without coats in the winter. Every single time, it's when the dad drops them off. Every. Time. If you say something to the father, their reply is along the lines of "oh, she forgot to grab it this morning! Oops!" Which may be acceptable for a 5th grader, but for a kindergartener or first grader, who can't be responsible for remembering every single thing they bring to school, it's not okay. The parent needs to verify that the kid has everything. And the next day, guess what, dad forgets the coat again.

But, talking with the dads got nowhere, so now we have to say something to the moms as well if we want the kids to be warm. So now, while dad is technically doing the drop off, mom has to take on the mental load of letting dad know he forgot the coat and making sure he brings it at all future drop offs. Now mom has to pack all school things up the night before, double check that dad got everything, remind her child to grab their coat, etc. And when that's happening for multiple little things, it all starts to add up.

And, even worse, dads will have excuses like "I don't know where her coat is" or for the divorced ones, "she doesn't have a coat at my place". So it's clear they think knowing where basic necessities are isn't important since mom can do it, and that mom should be responsible for getting necessities for dad's house, too.

Saw it play out in action among 8th graders at school today.

My kids *know* if they want outdoor play time, they need to clean up after lunch. They’ve been told a million times.

Yet without fail, the boys will finish eating and then start goofing off. The girls want to go out, so their options are to either do all the cleaning themselves, or they have to nag the boys over and over to clean up. This goes on until finally lunch time is over, they lost the opportunity to go out, and the boys are pissed at me since it’s somehow my fault they can’t remember to clean. Or, girls will finish cleaning everything, I’ll let them go out, and the boys start heading out the door thinking they’re entitled to go, too, despite doing zero work.

So the girls are carrying the load of 1. Remembering to clean up and 2. Doing most of the cleaning themselves.

Pissed me off so much today that the rest of the week, girls get to go out while boys have to stay behind and clean everything. They gotta learn somehow.

See the problem here isn’t the dynamic you describe. It’s the stupid rule that you have to clean up before going out.

WHo's going to clean up their lunch if they don't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work in an elementary school and often kids are sent to school without coats in the winter. Every single time, it's when the dad drops them off. Every. Time. If you say something to the father, their reply is along the lines of "oh, she forgot to grab it this morning! Oops!" Which may be acceptable for a 5th grader, but for a kindergartener or first grader, who can't be responsible for remembering every single thing they bring to school, it's not okay. The parent needs to verify that the kid has everything. And the next day, guess what, dad forgets the coat again.

But, talking with the dads got nowhere, so now we have to say something to the moms as well if we want the kids to be warm. So now, while dad is technically doing the drop off, mom has to take on the mental load of letting dad know he forgot the coat and making sure he brings it at all future drop offs. Now mom has to pack all school things up the night before, double check that dad got everything, remind her child to grab their coat, etc. And when that's happening for multiple little things, it all starts to add up.

And, even worse, dads will have excuses like "I don't know where her coat is" or for the divorced ones, "she doesn't have a coat at my place". So it's clear they think knowing where basic necessities are isn't important since mom can do it, and that mom should be responsible for getting necessities for dad's house, too.

Saw it play out in action among 8th graders at school today.

My kids *know* if they want outdoor play time, they need to clean up after lunch. They’ve been told a million times.

Yet without fail, the boys will finish eating and then start goofing off. The girls want to go out, so their options are to either do all the cleaning themselves, or they have to nag the boys over and over to clean up. This goes on until finally lunch time is over, they lost the opportunity to go out, and the boys are pissed at me since it’s somehow my fault they can’t remember to clean. Or, girls will finish cleaning everything, I’ll let them go out, and the boys start heading out the door thinking they’re entitled to go, too, despite doing zero work.

So the girls are carrying the load of 1. Remembering to clean up and 2. Doing most of the cleaning themselves.

Pissed me off so much today that the rest of the week, girls get to go out while boys have to stay behind and clean everything. They gotta learn somehow.

See the problem here isn’t the dynamic you describe. It’s the stupid rule that you have to clean up before going out.

WHo's going to clean up their lunch if they don't?

Cafeteria employees? Custodians? Isn't this their job?