Reply to What is with DCUM women and "mental loads?"

Forum Index » Off-Topic

Reply to "What is with DCUM women and "mental loads?""

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is BS. Look I married my wife she had a good job. She got pregnant on our first anniversary. Went on maternity leave  on our 22 month of marriage. Took six months off. Max amount allowed and most unpaid. Went back to work a few weeks and begged me to be a SAHM she did not want to works. I said that means I have to double my income as we need both incomes. She said focus on career I will take care of everything with kids etc.

I still did the manly things, car repairs, mowing lawn, gutter cleaning, home repairs, changing sheets, paying bills. Doing taxes, managing investments, kids games on weekends. Helping get heavy grocery shopping stuff, getting ready birthday parties and holidays. I also worked 55 hours a week. 
Sorry if she cooked, sewed, wrote Xmas cards, did all bday and Xmas shopping kids. It is her job

We had three kids and she never went back. Today as example I paid $2,300 to have her car repaired, moved boxes for Xmas for her and in exchange I worked 10 hours and she is making dinner and got a kid breakfast and in the bus.

How foolish would I look if I mailed out Xmas cards and cook thanksgiving dinner when my wife does not work and she drives a $50,000 when new SUV and lives in a 1.5 million dollar home. [/quote]

This is a situation where it is 100% appropriate the wife handles the mental load. That's the job she has taken on. Doesn't sound like she's asking you to do any of it but it doesn't sound at all like you value what she does either.

The unequal mental load is really an issue for couples where both work full time but all that stuff still has to get done and men either don't recognize that any of that exists or see it but refuse to do it.[/quote]

The problem in this scenario is that the man earning $$$ is treating his wife as a paid employee. The attitude is “why would I do that stuff when I’m paying her to do it?” That’s troubling because it’s so transactional. And it also skips over two key issues:

1) A lot of what gets passed off as “mental load” is basic care work that helps children develop emotionally and in their relationships. Men have to take some of this on in order to have functional relationships with their kids, to build trust with them and ensure they have a second parental figure who they know cares about them. When men put this part of parenting entirely in women, even a SAHM, it’s really bad for kids (and for moms, actually). If your attitude is “well I make money so I don’t have to pay attention to what Larla is doing in school or how she feels about life” you are abdicating parental responsibility. That’s really not something you should delegate to one spouse.

2) What happens if the SAHM gets hurt it ill, has to go care for an ailing parent, etc? Some of what she does can be outsourced to [several, it must be said] paid professionals. But some, including the mental load that keeps track of who needs what when and keeps things humming cannot. A true partner will understand he has to pick up the slack. Just like a SAHM might take on a side job or seasonal work or just get a regular job if her spouse lost his job or was denied a bonus or had a bad business year.

If your marrrage is purely transactional, it’s broken. If you expect your wife to appreciate what you do because it provides money, but don’t appreciate her unpaid labor, she will be unhappy, full stop. It’s not a tenable situation. It’s not a real marriage.[/quote]

My wife did get hospitalized and then bed rest when I had a 5 and 7 year old at home for 16 weeks. Believe it or not. I got kids up, dressed, breakfast and ready every day. I hired a women from 7-4 every day to help. But she was useless. Then I had someone from 3-530pm . I cave home made dinner, homework, when wife I’m hospital pack up to see her. My real work was juggling wife being either in hospital or in bed rest.

I paid around 700 a month on the help that was so so not the best. So for $52,000 could have replaced her.

And folks who belittle me when wife left work
We were short cash a few years. I painted rooms, installed sinks, faucets, doors, electrical work, built a deck. I was not calling people like I do today. My wife literally gets frazzled if I ask her to read a document since been 20 years home. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics