SAHM with kids in school? Dealing with judgement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I literally would say, “why would I work if I don’t need the money? YOLO.”

Because people most likely know that isn’t true.

I’m not sure what your background is, but this is true for many.

So why does your husband have to continue to work?

Unsurprisingly, the SAHMs responding here have very poor writing skills and/or don’t seem to speak English as a first language. Therefore - less options.

I'm sure you mean "fewer options." -SAHM

[Anonymous]

We both are wohps, each bringing in 50%> if we had independent wealth or one of use made enough to cover, the other would stay home.

I pursued a PhD, have a "rewarding" career with stays if not $, but I'm missing out on being there for my kids and feel like I don't do enough all around. Buy I don't know if that's the truth or if standards about childrearing, house maintenance, physical fitness etc for women have all risen as we've entered the workforce in greater numbers and achieved more professional success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:God. The work I do for myself is far more meaningful than the corporation I worked for. It's sad we live in a culture that values money over absolutely everything: over friendship, family, humanism, activism, art and music, being happy or healthy. Some literally value this woman getting a meaningless job to earn pennies when she doesn't need it, even if it made her life shorter or her family more stressed. I hope that woman chokes on her sour grapes.

The fact of the matter is that your shelter and food isn't free. When one adult relies on another to supply that adult's basic needs, judgment comes up. It has nothing to do with art or music. I mean you can still have friends and love music and be happy while paying your own bills you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But seriously, OP, what do you do all day? Do you have some sort of hobby or volunteer gig that takes up your time?

I’m a PP and I’ll repeat what I wrote above. Why is that anyone’s business how she chooses to spend her days?

Because it contributes to the patriarchal society that we all live in and sets a terrible example for children. but SAHMs are selfish by nature, so they don’t care. ME ME MEEE!

Surprised it took that many pages to lay bare what is really behind the animosity towards SAHMs. Its a betrayal of the so-called sisterhood. Note these same folks applaud religious women who put on hijabs as an empowered choice.

The real resentment is also because their staying at home allows their husbands careers to take off which is a big advantage over working women with no such luxury.

Sad thing is I think you really believe this.

My CFO recently said at a Board dinner that “the secret to my success is my stay at home wife.”

He literally doesn’t do anything but work and socialize with work and industry people. Yet maintains a father figure, married with a house and three kids image despite not knowing anything about what’s going on at home.

There is absolutely no way this is true. No one would say the phrase “stay at home wife” at a board meeting. Nice try.

I hope those of you defending this don’t have daughters. And if you do, I hope you realize how hypocritical you are if you push them to succeed.

Of course we have daughters and push them to succeed! I want them to have all the choices in life that I did and that choice includes being a SAHM like me, wanting a full time job and a partner with equal hours, or having a SAHD as a partner. Feminism is about choices not constraints.

Actually feminism is about having the same rights a man does, it has nothing to do with a choice to stay home. I mean stay home if you wish but feminism isn't a part of this conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t say it to your face but I agree with her.
- Independently wealthy and working in a meaningful job

NP here. I would not say anything on your face, PP, but I wonder why is that your family not meaningful to you? Why is being with them and nurturing them not the most meaningful, loving and fulfilling job you could ever do? If you think that only little kids need a full time mom then you are deluded and not really been involved in raising kids. You have outsourced raising your kids (if you have kids) and it was probably ok for your family. Older kids need you differently, but not less. But, that is a moot point - your family is not the most meaningful and time consuming thing for you - and that is your prerogative.

I find people who say or think like the PP above, very unenlightened.

OP, you have the most meaningful and wonderful job in the world. If you have the money to take care of your needs and some wants, then feel free to LIVE your life and spend time with your family.

Stay Blessed!

D

it's not a job. Everyone's kids grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t say it to your face but I agree with her.
- Independently wealthy and working in a meaningful job

NP here. I would not say anything on your face, PP, but I wonder why is that your family not meaningful to you? Why is being with them and nurturing them not the most meaningful, loving and fulfilling job you could ever do? If you think that only little kids need a full time mom then you are deluded and not really been involved in raising kids. You have outsourced raising your kids (if you have kids) and it was probably ok for your family. Older kids need you differently, but not less. But, that is a moot point - your family is not the most meaningful and time consuming thing for you - and that is your prerogative.

I find people who say or think like the PP above, very unenlightened.

OP, you have the most meaningful and wonderful job in the world. If you have the money to take care of your needs and some wants, then feel free to LIVE your life and spend time with your family.

Stay Blessed!

D

it's not a job. Everyone's kids grow up.

And *gasp* a woman can get that peanuts job when her kids go off to college!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It all comes from insecurity. Meaning, women who judge SAHMs (and vice-versa) are insecure about their life choices and are threatened by those who don't make the same choices. They need you to do the same to validate their choice.

- biglaw partner who would walk away from all of it if I could to spend more time with the family.

Oh, give me a freaking break. If you are a big law partner you are rolling in money and can absolutely take a lower paying, more flexible job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But seriously, OP, what do you do all day? Do you have some sort of hobby or volunteer gig that takes up your time?

I’m a PP and I’ll repeat what I wrote above. Why is that anyone’s business how she chooses to spend her days?

Because it contributes to the patriarchal society that we all live in and sets a terrible example for children. but SAHMs are selfish by nature, so they don’t care. ME ME MEEE!

Surprised it took that many pages to lay bare what is really behind the animosity towards SAHMs. Its a betrayal of the so-called sisterhood. Note these same folks applaud religious women who put on hijabs as an empowered choice.

The real resentment is also because their staying at home allows their husbands careers to take off which is a big advantage over working women with no such luxury.

Sad thing is I think you really believe this.

My CFO recently said at a Board dinner that “the secret to my success is my stay at home wife.”

He literally doesn’t do anything but work and socialize with work and industry people. Yet maintains a father figure, married with a house and three kids image despite not knowing anything about what’s going on at home.

There is absolutely no way this is true. No one would say the phrase “stay at home wife” at a board meeting. Nice try.

I hope those of you defending this don’t have daughters. And if you do, I hope you realize how hypocritical you are if you push them to succeed.

Of course we have daughters and push them to succeed! I want them to have all the choices in life that I did and that choice includes being a SAHM like me, wanting a full time job and a partner with equal hours, or having a SAHD as a partner. Feminism is about choices not constraints.

Actually feminism is about having the same rights a man does, it has nothing to do with a choice to stay home. I mean stay home if you wish but feminism isn't a part of this conversation.

You probably really believe that which is why you don’t see how sad an example you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t say it to your face but I agree with her.
- Independently wealthy and working in a meaningful job

NP here. I would not say anything on your face, PP, but I wonder why is that your family not meaningful to you? Why is being with them and nurturing them not the most meaningful, loving and fulfilling job you could ever do? If you think that only little kids need a full time mom then you are deluded and not really been involved in raising kids. You have outsourced raising your kids (if you have kids) and it was probably ok for your family. Older kids need you differently, but not less. But, that is a moot point - your family is not the most meaningful and time consuming thing for you - and that is your prerogative.

I find people who say or think like the PP above, very unenlightened.

OP, you have the most meaningful and wonderful job in the world. If you have the money to take care of your needs and some wants, then feel free to LIVE your life and spend time with your family.

Stay Blessed!

D

it's not a job. Everyone's kids grow up.

And *gasp* a woman can get that peanuts job when her kids go off to college!

Or she can go back to work FT. I am an MD, and this is what a lot of my colleagues from the greatest generation and older boomers did. They took 15-20 years off to raise their families, returned to work in their mid-forties.

[Anonymous]

^^^MD pp here. I hit send too soon while I went to look up generations. Apparently, my colleagues in rheir eighties now are the “silent generation,” not the “greatest generation.”
Anyway, most of them took 16-20 years off, returned to work in their mid-forties, then proceeded to work for 30+ years. I know many nurses who have followed this same career trajectory as well. It used to be very common once upon a time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God. The work I do for myself is far more meaningful than the corporation I worked for. It's sad we live in a culture that values money over absolutely everything: over friendship, family, humanism, activism, art and music, being happy or healthy. Some literally value this woman getting a meaningless job to earn pennies when she doesn't need it, even if it made her life shorter or her family more stressed. I hope that woman chokes on her sour grapes.

The fact of the matter is that your shelter and food isn't free. When one adult relies on another to supply that adult's basic needs, judgment comes up. It has nothing to do with art or music. I mean you can still have friends and love music and be happy while paying your own bills you know.

Of course, shelter and food isn't free. Yet, between a married couple, there is an arrangement where either both WOH and work in the domestic sphere, or one WOH and one SAH, or one WOH and helps around the house as needed and the other SAH and work parttimes, or whatever the hell works for both of them.

If you see marriage as a partnership where people WOH, SAH, WAH, and divvy up everything the best way that works for them, then the food and shelter is also part of the marriage partnership.

As long as people are not asking their neighbors to pay for their food and shelter, I am perfectly ok with couples to work it out the way it works for their relationship and family.

A family has obligation to meet the basic needs of its members. How well they do it, how egalitarian it is - is the minutia I don't care about. I think adults can work out these details in their own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But seriously, OP, what do you do all day? Do you have some sort of hobby or volunteer gig that takes up your time?

I’m a PP and I’ll repeat what I wrote above. Why is that anyone’s business how she chooses to spend her days?

Because it contributes to the patriarchal society that we all live in and sets a terrible example for children. but SAHMs are selfish by nature, so they don’t care. ME ME MEEE!

Surprised it took that many pages to lay bare what is really behind the animosity towards SAHMs. Its a betrayal of the so-called sisterhood. Note these same folks applaud religious women who put on hijabs as an empowered choice.

The real resentment is also because their staying at home allows their husbands careers to take off which is a big advantage over working women with no such luxury.

Sad thing is I think you really believe this.

My CFO recently said at a Board dinner that “the secret to my success is my stay at home wife.”

He literally doesn’t do anything but work and socialize with work and industry people. Yet maintains a father figure, married with a house and three kids image despite not knowing anything about what’s going on at home.

There is absolutely no way this is true. No one would say the phrase “stay at home wife” at a board meeting. Nice try.

I hope those of you defending this don’t have daughters. And if you do, I hope you realize how hypocritical you are if you push them to succeed.

Of course we have daughters and push them to succeed! I want them to have all the choices in life that I did and that choice includes being a SAHM like me, wanting a full time job and a partner with equal hours, or having a SAHD as a partner. Feminism is about choices not constraints.

Actually feminism is about having the same rights a man does, it has nothing to do with a choice to stay home. I mean stay home if you wish but feminism isn't a part of this conversation.

I paid 50% of the down payment for our house, I contributed to a 401K with match, I earned a small pension - all before I quit my job to SAH with our kids. My own hard work helped to lay the groundwork for us to be able to afford having a SAHP in the first place.

So I have not only provided for my family financially, I have also provided the childcare, house cleaning, errand running, tutoring and done tons of volunteer work for my community over the years. Now that my youngest is graduating HS, I might even go back to work. Still deciding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be fair, I didn’t read OPs post but you should be judged. You’re just a fret on society trading comfort to your husband for a house and being lazy all day.

Cheers!

Caring for 2 sets of aging parents and spending true quality time with children isn’t considered a societal contribution in your book? That’s just intellectually dishonest to suggest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be fair, I didn’t read OPs post but you should be judged. You’re just a fret on society trading comfort to your husband for a house and being lazy all day.

Cheers!

Caring for 2 sets of aging parents and spending true quality time with children isn’t considered a societal contribution in your book? That’s just intellectually dishonest to suggest.

So she spends all days caring for infirm elderly — she should be able to get state support for in home aides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be fair, I didn’t read OPs post but you should be judged. You’re just a fret on society trading comfort to your husband for a house and being lazy all day.

Cheers!

Caring for 2 sets of aging parents and spending true quality time with children isn’t considered a societal contribution in your book? That’s just intellectually dishonest to suggest.

PP again - btw I work out of necessity but know full well that there are many other contributions that i could and perhaps should be making. I think to be fair one has to consider temperament. If you are a very assertive woman who doesn’t enjoy care-taking, maybe outsourcing is best. But some women truly thrive more and contribute more significantly outside of the office.