SAHM with kids in school? Dealing with judgement?

[Anonymous]

To be fair, I didn’t read OPs post but you should be judged. You’re just a fret on society trading comfort to your husband for a house and being lazy all day.

Cheers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work out (Pilates, yoga, barre, and spin).

The days I do Pilates I generally take 2 classes - Pilates first, then spin.

I read a lot.

I meet people for lunch or coffee including my husbands and friends who work. We meet up during their breaks.

I do self care: hair and nail appointments. I have to get my roots touched up every 2 weeks.

I clean, do laundry, run errands, etc. so our weekends are totally free. We go skiing a lot in the winter and hiking in the summer in the Finger Lakes area (we live in upstate NY).

After school I run the kids around to their activities.

We have 4 kids so I’m pretty busy.

I want your life!

If laundry and nails are a life, sure.

I guess you missed the part where she said she has FOUR kids, a husband, a social life, and lots of hobbies

Four kids in school or out is a full time job! The amount of jealously is sad.

Don’t forget the roots - they HAVE to be done every 2 weeks.

Yes if a SAHM ever tells me again that she is busy or life is hectic I will laugh so hard.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. That's rough all around. She's dealing with her own issues by barfing her anxiety/envy/insecurity onto you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t say it to your face but I agree with her.
- Independently wealthy and working in a meaningful job

+1. When some SAHMs boastfully list the things they get accomplished, I do all that, have all the kids and work, so I'm kind of embarrassed for people who say "oh, I WORK! I'm a SAHM!" Yeahhhh, I do all that too, and actually work so.... I mean, get another advanced degree, do charity work or improve something for god's sake. Something important, not hair/nails- I can't believe someone listed that here as a regularily scheduled accomplishment. That's basic grooming- stop congratulating yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t say it to your face but I agree with her.
- Independently wealthy and working in a meaningful job

+1. When some SAHMs boastfully list the things they get accomplished, I do all that, have all the kids and work, so I'm kind of embarrassed for people who say "oh, I WORK! I'm a SAHM!" Yeahhhh, I do all that too, and actually work so.... I mean, get another advanced degree, do charity work or improve something for god's sake. Something important, not hair/nails- I can't believe someone listed that here as a regularily scheduled accomplishment. That's basic grooming- stop congratulating yourself.

I am a WOHM and I bet I don’t do half as good a job at the household tasks as I would if I were a SAHM. I don’t have much time so I cut corners, rush, and skip some tasks. I don’t make my husband breakfast or pack his lunch, and I don’t do his laundry. He has to take on a lot of chores too (bills, car maintenance, some grocery shopping, yard work). If I SAH, I would take those on so he could relax more. All this to say, I believe SAHMs when they say they’re busy even if our family ostensibly manages to get the same tasks done with two WOH parents.

I think SAHMs are lucky to have that choice. I wish I did! Maybe I would still choose to work, but who knows. Unless I had the option to SAH, I don’t think I could know my judgment wasn’t coming from a place of jealousy. And there’s so many ways to measure contributing to society. I’m sure one way to contribute is not take up a good job when you don’t need one — that way someone less fortunate economically can have it.

[Anonymous]

If you WOH you have to be at work otherwise you are fired, other people are relying on you to do your job. You still have to maintain the household. You contribute to society by paying tax.

If you SAH if you don't feel like vacuuming one day you can chill out, watch netflix and do it the next day. Nobody cares. Getting your nails done, making sure your hair roots are touched up and meeting friends for coffee are hardly contributing to society. Making sure your husband is fed in the morning helps nobody but your immediate family.

I am not jealous of SAHM's. Each to their own. But it's not a job, it's a lifestyle choice. Own it don't try to make it into something it's not, that's what annoys everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I were both professionals with demanding jobs before my husband retired. He retired young from a government job, and we moved to a quieter area. He’s now working a job related to a hobby, and I’m currently staying home. It works for us, and I’m genuinely happy. I can honestly say that I’ve been asked the “when are you going back to work” and “what do you do all day” questions, but I’ve never felt outwardly judged before today.

An acquaintance basically told me that I need to ‘get it together and find a job, even if it does pay peanuts’. Although I never like to or feel the need to defend my choices to anyone, after I explained the ways my not currently working benefit our family, I was met with how ‘it must be terrible for my husband to buy his own Christmas and birthday gifts’. At the time, I was laughing inside, because what an odd response. But she persisted, and went on and on about the ways her working benefited her family, none of which are applicable to our situation. In the end, she rolled her eyes and changed the subject.

It was such an odd interaction. As someone who has been on both ends of the spectrum, I can see the motivation for both sides. I’d never judge, because I’ve been there. But I can’t wrap my head around this woman’s motivation for attacking me to my face. Anyone experience this before?

(Also, if you’re coming here to troll and bash SAHM, you needn’t respond. I will pass right by your comment and I encourage others to do the same.)

Hi, Op


I am also a SAHM and have faced judgement. What changed is I decided not to let it bother me ( easier said than done) but if I couldn't avoid that person if I couldn't I would make up a story so they didn't know what I was doing. For example, "doing research for a family friend" is pretty vague and works


It isn't any of their business especially if they are not paying your bills. But, for whatever reason humans like to compare their choice with others and if yours is different will want to judge to make themselves feel superior If my friend had said to me what they said to you than I would be seeing less and less of them! In fact, if they wanted to get together I would say "I'm sorry but, I am working now for peanuts and don't have time to meet you" then not say what you are doing. Because it is top secret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you WOH you have to be at work otherwise you are fired, other people are relying on you to do your job. You still have to maintain the household. You contribute to society by paying tax.

If you SAH if you don't feel like vacuuming one day you can chill out, watch netflix and do it the next day. Nobody cares. Getting your nails done, making sure your hair roots are touched up and meeting friends for coffee are hardly contributing to society. Making sure your husband is fed in the morning helps nobody but your immediate family.

I am not jealous of SAHM's. Each to their own. But it's not a job, it's a lifestyle choice. Own it don't try to make it into something it's not, that's what annoys everyone else.

NP My question to you is since you hold in such low regard as women who stay at home would you be like the friend and actively tell your SAHM to get a job for peanuts or she is not contributing The reason most SAHM tell people what they do is because they ASK. I'm sure you aren't productive all eight hours or whatever hours you work at work. Not saying that is a bad thing because we aren't robots but, if you don't want to know what we do than don't ask. I don't ask what you do everyday at work so you don't have to ask me. It is really bragging if the person is simply answering the question

And no, my husband can make his own breakfast and lunch. He is a grown man and is fully capable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be fair, I didn’t read OPs post but you should be judged. You’re just a fret on society trading comfort to your husband for a house and being lazy all day.

Cheers!

NP Hello Trolly troll. If the op is not taking public assistance why do you care what she does or does not do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weird to me that so many people value work this much. Most people I know either dislike their jobs, or like them but still look forward to retiring. We’ve been through every variation. I’ve worked. I’ve been a single working parent. I’ve had a SAH DH. I’ve been a SAHM. Each had pros and cons. Why do some of you care? Seems like you just want to feel superior.

Some people have no imagination. They cannot imagine that someone who makes different choices than they made could possibly be "doing it right." As one PP so bitterly put it, they must "suck at life" because their life is different. These are the same kinds of people of never learned to "walk in another's shoes." They, and their attitudes, are a huge root problem in our society.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

It all comes from insecurity. Meaning, women who judge SAHMs (and vice-versa) are insecure about their life choices and are threatened by those who don't make the same choices. They need you to do the same to validate their choice.

- biglaw partner who would walk away from all of it if I could to spend more time with the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t say it to your face but I agree with her.
- Independently wealthy and working in a meaningful job

+1. When some SAHMs boastfully list the things they get accomplished, I do all that, have all the kids and work, so I'm kind of embarrassed for people who say "oh, I WORK! I'm a SAHM!" Yeahhhh, I do all that too, and actually work so.... I mean, get another advanced degree, do charity work or improve something for god's sake. Something important, not hair/nails- I can't believe someone listed that here as a regularily scheduled accomplishment. That's basic grooming- stop congratulating yourself.

Say what? Grammar and sentence structure are very important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you WOH you have to be at work otherwise you are fired, other people are relying on you to do your job. You still have to maintain the household. You contribute to society by paying tax.

If you SAH if you don't feel like vacuuming one day you can chill out, watch netflix and do it the next day. Nobody cares. Getting your nails done, making sure your hair roots are touched up and meeting friends for coffee are hardly contributing to society. Making sure your husband is fed in the morning helps nobody but your immediate family.

I am not jealous of SAHM's. Each to their own. But it's not a job, it's a lifestyle choice. Own it don't try to make it into something it's not, that's what annoys everyone else.

Netflix and nails is the modern soap operas and bon bons.

Seriously, there are countless benefits to having a sahp. A critical one is that someone is there to care for sick kids, etc so that the parent who works doesn't miss work. As a sahm, I have stepped up to provide care for my woh friends' kids and neighbor's kids on snow days and half days, enabling them to not miss work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you WOH you have to be at work otherwise you are fired, other people are relying on you to do your job. You still have to maintain the household. You contribute to society by paying tax.

If you SAH if you don't feel like vacuuming one day you can chill out, watch netflix and do it the next day. Nobody cares. Getting your nails done, making sure your hair roots are touched up and meeting friends for coffee are hardly contributing to society. Making sure your husband is fed in the morning helps nobody but your immediate family.

I am not jealous of SAHM's. Each to their own. But it's not a job, it's a lifestyle choice. Own it don't try to make it into something it's not, that's what annoys everyone else.

Netflix and nails is the modern soap operas and bon bons.

Seriously, there are countless benefits to having a sahp. A critical one is that someone is there to care for sick kids, etc so that the parent who works doesn't miss work. As a sahm, I have stepped up to provide care for my woh friends' kids and neighbor's kids on snow days and half days, enabling them to not miss work.

I do the same. Also, carpooling for activities. You bitchy working moms don’t mind us being home then, do you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It all comes from insecurity. Meaning, women who judge SAHMs (and vice-versa) are insecure about their life choices and are threatened by those who don't make the same choices. They need you to do the same to validate their choice.

- biglaw partner who would walk away from all of it if I could to spend more time with the family.

Bingo! Own your choices and stop wasting energy criticizing what other moms do.