Estrangement Doesn't Just Happen to "Bad" Moms—It Happened to Me Too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:THIS IS FROM THREE YEARS AGO.

Ok. Now stop screaming.

[Anonymous]

I’m part of the Raised by Borderlines group on Reddit. That group is enormously helpful.

I remember reading this article when it came out, and recognized the personality-disordered parent language/thinking immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m part of the Raised by Borderlines group on Reddit. That group is enormously helpful.

I remember reading this article when it came out, and recognized the personality-disordered parent language/thinking immediately.

Yeah, the grocery store incident and the sports comment read very borderline to me.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone else read these threads, read the article, come back read the comments and think "wow, people extrapolate a lot from an article!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else read these threads, read the article, come back read the comments and think "wow, people extrapolate a lot from an article!"

Maybe to someone without the experience of a parent like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can someone summarize the DILs Reddit story? It looks like they closed the Reddit board with her posts.

Anonymous wrote:Can someone summarize the DILs Reddit story? It looks like they closed the Reddit board with her posts.

I found a couple of other threads besides the original, that are still available:
https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/comments/c8s1c9/estrangement_doesnt_just_happen_to_bad_moms_it/
https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/comments/bc2lfk/i_dedicated_my_whole_life_to_my_kids/

I was going to quote some of the responses from the DIL (Carolyn), but apparently DCUM filters are blocking C&P from reddit so it is blocking the quotes.

The issue is that Dan's mother was fine up to the proposal at Disneyland when she started to get "weird". And at some of the pre-wedding events, she started to create friction with Carolyn's mother (future in-laws). One example is that Carolyn's mother offered Dan's mother sweat tea since she was from the South and Dan's mother accused Carolyn's mother of being condescending and putting her down for being from the South, even though Carolyn's mother was also from the South. Carolyn's mother tried to bond, Dan's mother took umbrage and tried to make a scene. At the bridal shower, Dan's mother was rude to several members of Carolyn's family and then was upset when Dan would not take her side and "defend" her from the accusations. Dan's mother is the one that then threw out that she would not come to the wedding until Carolyn and her mother apologized (even though she, Dan's mother, caused the scene). Finally Dan decided to try to reach out before the wedding to see if she would change her mind and would come to the wedding, but she insisted that if there was no apology that she would not come. And then made it seem as if Dan only wanted to cut her off and only cared if they should order food. Apparently Dan and Carolyn reached out several times to his mother, but she was the one who refused the outreach each time unless they started by groveling to her. Note in her (Dan's mother's) article, she never mentions reaching out. The closest she comes is saying she thought about it and then reconsidered. Carolyn said that Dan's mother never once reached out and frequently rebuffed their efforts to reach out. So this was largely a situation created by, blown out of proportion and adamantly sustained by Dan's mother, the narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can someone summarize the DILs Reddit story? It looks like they closed the Reddit board with her posts.

Anonymous wrote:Can someone summarize the DILs Reddit story? It looks like they closed the Reddit board with her posts.

I found a couple of other threads besides the original, that are still available:
https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/comments/c8s1c9/estrangement_doesnt_just_happen_to_bad_moms_it/
https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/comments/bc2lfk/i_dedicated_my_whole_life_to_my_kids/

I was going to quote some of the responses from the DIL (Carolyn), but apparently DCUM filters are blocking C&P from reddit so it is blocking the quotes.

The issue is that Dan's mother was fine up to the proposal at Disneyland when she started to get "weird". And at some of the pre-wedding events, she started to create friction with Carolyn's mother (future in-laws). One example is that Carolyn's mother offered Dan's mother sweat tea since she was from the South and Dan's mother accused Carolyn's mother of being condescending and putting her down for being from the South, even though Carolyn's mother was also from the South. Carolyn's mother tried to bond, Dan's mother took umbrage and tried to make a scene. At the bridal shower, Dan's mother was rude to several members of Carolyn's family and then was upset when Dan would not take her side and "defend" her from the accusations. Dan's mother is the one that then threw out that she would not come to the wedding until Carolyn and her mother apologized (even though she, Dan's mother, caused the scene). Finally Dan decided to try to reach out before the wedding to see if she would change her mind and would come to the wedding, but she insisted that if there was no apology that she would not come. And then made it seem as if Dan only wanted to cut her off and only cared if they should order food. Apparently Dan and Carolyn reached out several times to his mother, but she was the one who refused the outreach each time unless they started by groveling to her. Note in her (Dan's mother's) article, she never mentions reaching out. The closest she comes is saying she thought about it and then reconsidered. Carolyn said that Dan's mother never once reached out and frequently rebuffed their efforts to reach out. So this was largely a situation created by, blown out of proportion and adamantly sustained by Dan's mother, the narcissist.

Thank you!! I was wondering about the other side of the story. Was too late for the reddit thread to read on DIL's comments. This all makes sense.

[Anonymous]

I don’t need to parse the story to know this lady is a narcissist. She started a public online support group, sold a story with photos to the linked publication, and wrote a book. That pretty much guarantees her son is never going to feel comfortable talking to her let alone patching up something so personal. To me, this behavior says it’s more important for the mom to get her story of victimhood out there so strangers can validate her version of events, than it is to work things out with her son. This is classic narcissism: she is the victim, she did notions wrong, and the opinions of strangers are more important to her than her own family. I don’t have to hear the other side of the story. If she really cared about her son, nobody would know anybody’s side.

[Anonymous]

It's so obvious, even from the way the mom describes it, that mom gave them an ultimatum (I'm not coming to the wedding unless XYZ happens), and her son and dil refused to give in. Good for them. It infuriates her that she can't manipulate them. And now she's publishing books and turned herself into an expert on estrangement over it. What a terrible person.

[Anonymous]

Oh she’s so crazy. So many red flags. Never admitting she chose not to attend her sons wedding because she didn’t get the apology she felt she was due and that she kept the other kids from going (out of loyalty to me-what is she a cult leader?). Yelling ‘I’m going to cry everyday for the rest of my life’ at him to try to get him back in line. She’s a nasty piece of work. Manipulative, controlling narcissist. Good for him that he escaped her. Poor other kids in that family.

[Anonymous]

When she sees her son in the parking lot: "I'm going to cry every day for the rest of my life!"

Name of revenge book: "When the Crying Stops"

She's nuts. It would be interesting to hear from the other four siblings.

[Anonymous]

Well, when she looks at it from the perspective of something that "happens" to people, we know all we need to know about her.

Estrangement doesn't "happen" to anyone. Certain behaviors, intentionally or unintentionally, trigger some people. Those triggered might be well or unwell, reasonable or unreasonable. but that someone cuts another off for a certain behavior or a set of behaviors. Now, the person being cut off can choose whether that relationship is worth saving and thus stop the behavior and apologize sincerely. Or they can decide that the "triggered" person is either nuts or not worth stopping the behavior for.

So no, it didn't just "happen" to her. She unintentionally(or intentionally in her case?) triggered feelings of pain/sadness/anxiety etc. She can apologize, and she can do whatever it takes to get them to give her another chance. Or she can decide that it's too much work, and it would be futile because her loved one is too sensitive and will always be triggered by something.

Whatever way she chooses to deal with it, she has to at least acknowledge that something(s) she did/say triggered the reaction.

[Anonymous]

I was just reading the reviews of her book. Lots of people who see through her. But also a lot of people who are really blowing smoke up her ass. Other moms who just have NO IDEA why this happened to them, other moms whose DILs turned their sons against them. Poor things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When she sees her son in the parking lot: "I'm going to cry every day for the rest of my life!"

Name of revenge book: "When the Crying Stops"

She's nuts. It would be interesting to hear from the other four siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you read that article and didn’t have the takeaway that the author is a narcissist then you deserve your estrangement.

I am not the OP, but I do not see narcissism in anything she wrote. I see a daughter in law who likely is , however. She went apeshit over a misunderstanding - probably when his mother asked him if he was certain. He relayed it to his fiance poorly and she made him prove his loyalty. It scared her to the point of ensuring estrangement. He was fully manipulated.

Is it possible that the author left some details out? Yes, but until I know what those details are, no the mother did nothing wrong. I really feel for her.

Try again:
She makes this sound like they were just perfectly happy until girlfriend came along. There were a LOT of little one liners that were red flags.

I could always count on him, whether the car battery was dead or the computer malfunctioned. Or, for a laugh or a hug. (That's nice and all, but it sounds like she was suffocating.)

Parents paid for the Disneyland trip and the adult son was renting a home from them. Lots of hooks right there.

Adult son and fiance began to plan wedding with future inlaws, mother was insecure about him spending so much time with him and quoted, "I began to sense that Dan was comparing our family to hers." With out any truth to this from her son, she is just going by her "feelings"

Son spoke about the inlaws family having young children involved in sports and said that the mother wouldn't know anything about that since they weren't in sports growing up. Mother became insecure and quoted "I didn't correct him, but it was something his dad and I talked about later." ......correct..right...

Mom mentioned that the inlaws, adult son and fiance were planning the wedding, correct? Well, mom then questions the son about the details and has the nerve, after all the work and planning they've been doing to ask her son IF HE IS SURE HE WANTS TO MARRY HER. A GROWN ASS ADULT. Her response is so nparent typical, "Since they were so young, it was a natural question to ask."

Adult son mentions that the mother was being rude to the inlaws at a wedding rehearsal. The nmom says, "Hearing his accusation hurt, and Dan knew me better than that."

Adult son made a difficult decision and told the nmom she could not be there. She has a drama filled pity party and tried to recruit flying monkeys. "After that, I had no choice but to call our relatives who'd been invited and try to explain why we were no longer going to Dan's wedding."

There were a couple relatives who immediately rallied and said, 'Something's going on. Do you think she wants him all to herself?' Statements like that were supportive and kind. And my thought was, I don't know, but I'm not going to say anything bad about anybody....

Really??! Is that why you put all of your business online, and changed your son's name out of respect, but PLASTERED your pics all over this sob ass story??!!! Yeah you are really concerned about his feelings.

This is a cringy, bullcrap story that reeks of lies and gaslighting. The nmom has put her self in a position that only she created.

+1,000