Why are other girls repelled by my daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tried to raise a girl to be kind, respectful, and thoughtful. She is. I got some extras: she is smart and beautiful. But she feels lonely. The girls on her private school are b**s. On top of that, many are vulgar. Mostly are dumb. Almost all are disrespectful. I saw them, she didn’t tell me. I saw what they wrote on the walls, the length of their skirts, the way they talk to their parents. Some are too afraid of being excluded so they act like they are dumb, vulgar, mean,... the boys are not very different. Some boys and girls are having sex already at age 13. Some are drinking alcohol. Those are the most popular ones.

I told DD to keep going, to look for friends faraway. It’s fine to be lonely, just make sure you are on the right route.

Hopefully she will go to a different school next year.

Is your DD as judgmental as you are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think the answers are here and there are several things that you can do.

1) Find tons of activities and learning opportunities that allows her to find equally nerdy kids or interaction with adults. If nothing else, it keeps her occupied, engaged and learning - everything that will help her later.
2) Pay attention to her and your clothing style, grooming, smell etc. Try and blend in.
3) Discuss tactfully with teachers, not with other parents
4) Read Queen Bees and Wannabees and make your kid read it too. Discuss and identify how hive like the girls are behaving.
5) You get therapy about how to manage your anxiety and not transfer it to her.

OP here. Oh my gosh, thank you for this. My mind is so jumbled. Seeing it listed like this is extremely helpful. I WILL follow this. Thank you.

Hi OP, The PP you quoted sums it up very nicely. I wish you so much good luck with finding the way forward for you and your DD. I hope things improve. There are some moms out here that are pulling for you both.

Sometime there are good things to be found on DCUM.

And you are a good and caring mom.

Thank you

Too much unnecessary chatter on this thread now. It has devolved into something else. OP, you should now leave and not read anymore. You are a good mom and your kid will be fine with similar kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think the answers are here and there are several things that you can do.

1) Find tons of activities and learning opportunities that allows her to find equally nerdy kids or interaction with adults. If nothing else, it keeps her occupied, engaged and learning - everything that will help her later.
2) Pay attention to her and your clothing style, grooming, smell etc. Try and blend in.
3) Discuss tactfully with teachers, not with other parents
4) Read Queen Bees and Wannabees and make your kid read it too. Discuss and identify how hive like the girls are behaving.
5) You get therapy about how to manage your anxiety and not transfer it to her.

OP here. Oh my gosh, thank you for this. My mind is so jumbled. Seeing it listed like this is extremely helpful. I WILL follow this. Thank you.

Hi OP, The PP you quoted sums it up very nicely. I wish you so much good luck with finding the way forward for you and your DD. I hope things improve. There are some moms out here that are pulling for you both.

Sometime there are good things to be found on DCUM.

And you are a good and caring mom.

Thank you

Too much unnecessary chatter on this thread now. It has devolved into something else. OP, you should now leave and not read anymore. You are a good mom and your kid will be fine with similar kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tried to raise a girl to be kind, respectful, and thoughtful. She is. I got some extras: she is smart and beautiful. But she feels lonely. The girls on her private school are b**s. On top of that, many are vulgar. Mostly are dumb. Almost all are disrespectful. I saw them, she didn’t tell me. I saw what they wrote on the walls, the length of their skirts, the way they talk to their parents. Some are too afraid of being excluded so they act like they are dumb, vulgar, mean,... the boys are not very different. Some boys and girls are having sex already at age 13. Some are drinking alcohol. Those are the most popular ones.

I told DD to keep going, to look for friends faraway. It’s fine to be lonely, just make sure you are on the right route.

Hopefully she will go to a different school next year.

Is your DD as judgmental as you are?

Not at all. I wish she was - she would be more popular.

[Anonymous]

Haven’t read all answers but here are the girls my daughter finds annoying:
-condescending
- non listener
- bossy
-never lets others have their way
- too naive
- always talks about their likes (same singer, same movies, etc)
- not as flexible
- not as interested in what is considers cooler things

[Anonymous]

Here is what helped our DD at that age:

1.) Sleep away summer camp - new environment and no devices! Gave her independence, confidence and "camp friends" she could stay in touch with via text etc. during the school year.
2.) Rowing - DD started doing learn to row programs in middle school and joined HS team. Instant group of friends and exercise helps with mood!
3.) Talk to teachers about matching up study buddies for certain classes. It's a way to get kids who have similar academic profile to spend time together without the pressure of "being friends" with one another. Middles schoolers are very aware of who is in their friend group and who is not. They don't want to bring someone in out of fear of losing their own spot. A study buddy is not necessarily a friend, but at least gives your DD someone to talk to at school.

I was the movie date for both my DDs many times when they were in middle school and in between friend groups. Don't worry, stop blaming yourself, and enjoy your DD as she is - you will miss it when she dumps you for her friends when she gets to HS.

[Anonymous]

I read through, but may have missed this: any chance for a change of peer group.

I was a lot like your daughter, honestly. I'd skipped a grade and was kind of a know-it-all in early elementary, but tried really hard through upper elementary to curb those tendencies. Honestly, though, my peers had a hard time giving me another chance. The peer group was too small and we were all set in our "roles."

Eventually, my parents did the equivalent of a change-of-school assignment to give me a brand new peer group. It was amazing. Suddenly I had friends. I remember the first time I had two invitations for the same night. It was really amazing for my 12 year-old self.

So, anyways, do you have a way of switching it up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think the answers are here and there are several things that you can do.

1) Find tons of activities and learning opportunities that allows her to find equally nerdy kids or interaction with adults. If nothing else, it keeps her occupied, engaged and learning - everything that will help her later.
2) Pay attention to her and your clothing style, grooming, smell etc. Try and blend in.
3) Discuss tactfully with teachers, not with other parents
4) Read Queen Bees and Wannabees and make your kid read it too. Discuss and identify how hive like the girls are behaving.
5) You get therapy about how to manage your anxiety and not transfer it to her.

OP here. Oh my gosh, thank you for this. My mind is so jumbled. Seeing it listed like this is extremely helpful. I WILL follow this. Thank you.

Hi OP, The PP you quoted sums it up very nicely. I wish you so much good luck with finding the way forward for you and your DD. I hope things improve. There are some moms out here that are pulling for you both.

Sometime there are good things to be found on DCUM.

And you are a good and caring mom.

Thank you

Too much unnecessary chatter on this thread now. It has devolved into something else. OP, you should now leave and not read anymore. You are a good mom and your kid will be fine with similar kids.

Sock puppeting 2019 award

[Anonymous]

So OP, you haven’t observed anything in your DD which would explain her struggle?

I think kids generally scapegoat the kids who are young for their age and/or very eager or “desperate”, as you said. They project their own insecurities and fear of not fitting in on your DD. I imagine things will get better in high school, when she’ll have a broader variety of kids to choose from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I second the recommendation to foster dogs! Two of my three kids (now in MS/HS) have ADHD/anxiety/LDs but all the kids love fostering dogs and always do it for the 8th grade service learning project. The rescue groups we work with are very positive, appreciative and always in need of fosters. The kids are responsible for caring for the dogs. We all work on teaching the dogs simple commands. We have met the nicest people through these groups and at adoption events and the kids have had a lot of practice interacting with diverse people. It's a win-win.

Can you recommend rescue groups you work with that welcome kid involvement?

I'm the PP you're responding to. I advise looking for a group that works close to you. Look up your local Petco/PetSmart and see which rescue groups have adoption events there. We've worked with Homeless Animal Rescue Team (HART) and Lost Dog & Cat Rescue. We used to foster with Lucky Dog but even though it's the most organized group we've ever worked with, the founder/leadership was pretty abrasive on every interaction. I recognize everyone is a volunteer but given the need for fosters, I'd rather work with a group that's less organized but more positive to interact with.

Most stores that host adoption events do not allow kids under 14 but my experience is that as long as an adult is with the kid, it's fine (and we've been doing it for years). There is no minimum age for fostering but parents are, ultimately, responsible. We already have 2 dogs at home and we're clear with the rescue groups that we can only take dogs that get along with other dogs and will not see our little dog as prey. We've been a long term foster for dogs that needed surgery/rehab, been a temporary foster for dogs whose regular foster was going on leave, had dogs that we had no idea how long would be with. For one of the dogs we were a long term foster, we needed to end the foster because of the start of sports season. We gave them 2 weeks notice and they arranged for another foster.

https://hart90.org/Foster/default.aspx
https://lostdogrescue.org/foster/what-its-all-about/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she pretty or good at sports? Those were the popular girls when I was growing up. Also the popular ones seemed to be a bit more wordly. Not mean, but a sharpness to them. Sometimes sarcastic or mocking. I guess that made them interesting to other girls.

Really? DP here. I am surprised that the mean girls were popular in your school. The mean girls were shunned in my rich high school (I wasn't rich), where the nicer you were, the more popular you were. It helped to be pretty, but it definitely hindered to be any kind of mean. I think being sharp, jabbing and not inclusive as being a lower class thing.

I have literally never heard this point of view before, from anyone.

And whether you were rich or poor didn't matter at all either. It was a school where the most important factor in popularity was how nice you were to others HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she pretty or good at sports? Those were the popular girls when I was growing up. Also the popular ones seemed to be a bit more wordly. Not mean, but a sharpness to them. Sometimes sarcastic or mocking. I guess that made them interesting to other girls.

Really? DP here. I am surprised that the mean girls were popular in your school. The mean girls were shunned in my rich high school (I wasn't rich), where the nicer you were, the more popular you were. It helped to be pretty, but it definitely hindered to be any kind of mean. I think being sharp, jabbing and not inclusive as being a lower class thing.

I have literally never heard this point of view before, from anyone.

And whether you were rich or poor didn't matter at all either. It was a school where the most important factor in popularity was how nice you were to others HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

DP. No one said this, PP. Tths tThe poster said that the most popular kids were nice. Until middle school, I found that this was true. The most popular girls were beautiful, athletic, and had good social skills. For the most part, they were nice because popularity came easy for those.

Some PPs define “nice” as “wanting to spend time with my awkward kid.” That’s nor how it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven’t read all answers but here are the girls my daughter finds annoying:
-condescending
- non listener
- bossy
-never lets others have their way
- too naive
- always talks about their likes (same singer, same movies, etc)
- not as flexible
- not as interested in what is considers cooler things

Beware, peer groups are fluid at this age. Next year, she could be the kid her former friends find annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I tried to raise a girl to be kind, respectful, and thoughtful. She is. I got some extras: she is smart and beautiful. But she feels lonely. The girls on her private school are b**s. On top of that, many are vulgar. Mostly are dumb. Almost all are disrespectful. I saw them, she didn’t tell me. I saw what they wrote on the walls, the length of their skirts, the way they talk to their parents. Some are too afraid of being excluded so they act like they are dumb, vulgar, mean,... the boys are not very different. Some boys and girls are having sex already at age 13. Some are drinking alcohol. Those are the most popular ones.

I told DD to keep going, to look for friends faraway. It’s fine to be lonely, just make sure you are on the right route.

Hopefully she will go to a different school next year.

Is your DD as judgmental as you are?

Is she also having trouble with grammar?

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read all responses so apologize if someone already covered this.

OP, have you talked with her teachers about their observations? Perhaps especially from prior years, so they may be more candid? And are you open to what others have to say?

I know a girl who sounds a bit like your daughter. She is intense. Thinks everyone should be interested in what she likes. She Reports to her parents that everyone is mean to her, but I hear much different stories from my kid (and obliquely from others too polite to be direct) — that she is often the aggressor, is mean, has frequent outbursts (including to teachers). Her parents don’t want to hear it.

I know this sounds nuts, but what about asking other moms? In a tone that isn’t accusatory, but asking for insights and input! Might help.