Why are other girls repelled by my daughter?

[Anonymous]

Also - is she physically awkward? In the way she moves and carries herself? My DD definitely is and it very much impeded her social life in ES because she couldn’t keep up with the other kids and her movements weren’t fluid - she was a bit awkward and the girls especially could be mean. Now in MS she is a bit self-conscious and tentative as a result, so making new friends has been slow going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please help me with this. My dd is 12 years old and is always left out with the other girls. It ALWAYS happens. Camps, schools... it has been consistently happening since she was in preschool at 3 years old.

I need help so badly as I don't understand it. She is very kind, caring, funny, bubbly and charming. She does have a learning disability, but an above average/high IQ.

I have thrown countless parties, playdates, get togethers. I've spent thousands of dollars treating other kids to nice things so that she could have exposure to other girls.

It doesn't matter. She never gets invitations.

It's getting to the point where she doesn't even really try anymore because honestly, what's the point? She is more and more depressed these days as it's really getting to her.

I've taken her to psychologists before and I have never received any substantive advice about this specifically.

I'm turning to DCUM as a 'Hail Mary'. I can't bear to see this impact anymore. I am looking for real help here. Please no trolls. Please.

She needs to find her people and she will find them. Observe when she’s around others. Does she gossip, is she bossy, does she interrupt? Who know?! Hang in there and ask her teachers for guidance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also - is she physically awkward? In the way she moves and carries herself? My DD definitely is and it very much impeded her social life in ES because she couldn’t keep up with the other kids and her movements weren’t fluid - she was a bit awkward and the girls especially could be mean. Now in MS she is a bit self-conscious and tentative as a result, so making new friends has been slow going.

Have you had your child evaluated by an OT so she can strengthen the parts of her body that are weak? This does not have to be a forever thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how do you know she isnt HFA / Aspergers? Just curious

We've had her tested multiple times by reputable psychologists and psychiatrists.

You have had her tested multiple times for autism? A neuropsych evaluation costs 5k or 2 years on the waiting list under insurance. It is also ONLY performed by a neuropsychologist. Not by a psychologist or a psychiatrist.

I have a DC who was "tested" multiple times by psychologists and pediatricians for other things. I always asked about Aspergers and they always said no. What they should be required by law to say is "I am not qualified to form an opinion " because they are not. However, they did and said no. They were wrong and their ineptitude cost DC years of proper, targeted help.

You mention social problems and clumsiness. These are two red flags. Contact a neuropsychologist. Preferably one who specializes in girls and autism.

Sigh. There is no such thing as "Aspergers" anymore. Neuropsychs have realized that merely being clumsy and socially awkward is within the normal spectrum of humanity and does not mean that a person has a neurological disorder. So, as the OP stated, her child does not have autism. Now, that does not mean that her daughter would not clearly benefit from sort sort of social classes/therapy to help her out.

Whoa! No!!!
Aspergers syndrome was relabeled High Functioning Autism. The diagnosis did not go away nor did "neuropsychs realize aspergers symptoms meant you are normal" whatever crazy gibberish this might be.

The diagnosis did go away. Please do your research.

The diagnosis is not used anymore.



Asperger's is now part of the autism spectrum and is diagnosed as that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how do you know she isnt HFA / Aspergers? Just curious

We've had her tested multiple times by reputable psychologists and psychiatrists.

You have had her tested multiple times for autism? A neuropsych evaluation costs 5k or 2 years on the waiting list under insurance. It is also ONLY performed by a neuropsychologist. Not by a psychologist or a psychiatrist.

I have a DC who was "tested" multiple times by psychologists and pediatricians for other things. I always asked about Aspergers and they always said no. What they should be required by law to say is "I am not qualified to form an opinion " because they are not. However, they did and said no. They were wrong and their ineptitude cost DC years of proper, targeted help.

You mention social problems and clumsiness. These are two red flags. Contact a neuropsychologist. Preferably one who specializes in girls and autism.

Sigh. There is no such thing as "Aspergers" anymore. Neuropsychs have realized that merely being clumsy and socially awkward is within the normal spectrum of humanity and does not mean that a person has a neurological disorder. So, as the OP stated, her child does not have autism. Now, that does not mean that her daughter would not clearly benefit from sort sort of social classes/therapy to help her out.

Whoa! No!!!
Aspergers syndrome was relabeled High Functioning Autism. The diagnosis did not go away nor did "neuropsychs realize aspergers symptoms meant you are normal" whatever crazy gibberish this might be.

The diagnosis did go away. Please do your research.

The diagnosis is not used anymore.



Asperger's is now part of the autism spectrum and is diagnosed as that.

Thank you. Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please help me with this. My dd is 12 years old and is always left out with the other girls. It ALWAYS happens. Camps, schools... it has been consistently happening since she was in preschool at 3 years old.

I need help so badly as I don't understand it. She is very kind, caring, funny, bubbly and charming. She does have a learning disability, but an above average/high IQ.

I have thrown countless parties, playdates, get togethers. I've spent thousands of dollars treating other kids to nice things so that she could have exposure to other girls.

It doesn't matter. She never gets invitations.

It's getting to the point where she doesn't even really try anymore because honestly, what's the point? She is more and more depressed these days as it's really getting to her.

I've taken her to psychologists before and I have never received any substantive advice about this specifically.

I'm turning to DCUM as a 'Hail Mary'. I can't bear to see this impact anymore. I am looking for real help here. Please no trolls. Please.

She needs to find her people and she will find them. Observe when she’s around others. Does she gossip, is she bossy, does she interrupt? Who know?! Hang in there and ask her teachers for guidance.

Have you actually read OP’s posts? She can’t find kids who will talk to her.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried girl scouts?

Have you tried horseback riding? Not english hunter/jumper but just horseback riding?

Sometimes relating to and working with animals helps kids find common ground with each other.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

You need to be her friend. Plan day trips, work out together, eat out, go to movies, go to museums, go shopping etc. Additionally she should concentrate on finding one good friend that is trustworthy and true. Very few girls have even one of those but it's easier than trying to fit into groups.

[Anonymous]

I tried to raise a girl to be kind, respectful, and thoughtful. She is. I got some extras: she is smart and beautiful. But she feels lonely. The girls on her private school are b**s. On top of that, many are vulgar. Mostly are dumb. Almost all are disrespectful. I saw them, she didn’t tell me. I saw what they wrote on the walls, the length of their skirts, the way they talk to their parents. Some are too afraid of being excluded so they act like they are dumb, vulgar, mean,... the boys are not very different. Some boys and girls are having sex already at age 13. Some are drinking alcohol. Those are the most popular ones.

I told DD to keep going, to look for friends faraway. It’s fine to be lonely, just make sure you are on the right route.

Hopefully she will go to a different school next year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I haven't read every response - but I haven't seen you mention whether this is something that really bothers your daughter? I have a teenage son who is a little bit different and he's never had tons of friends. He always seems to find his tribe, but it's small and they don't tend to do tons (so fewer birthday parties or get-togethers.) I used to worry he was bullied until every single one of his middle school teachers reported that he was very social and seemed quite popular in class. But he is happy doing his own thing most of the time.

Moral of the story is that you never know how your kid is perceived by others and if it's not broke (e.g., if she's not actively unhappy) don't try to fix it.

+1 mother of similar kid. I realized that the only time he was unhappy was when I was worrying about why he didn’t have more friends. Once I backed off, he was fine. It may be hard to deal with if you were popular and had lots of friends, but not everyone does. Do help her if it bothers her, but make sure she cares because she wants more friends, not because she feels she’s failing you.

[Anonymous]

I second the recommendation to foster dogs! Two of my three kids (now in MS/HS) have ADHD/anxiety/LDs but all the kids love fostering dogs and always do it for the 8th grade service learning project. The rescue groups we work with are very positive, appreciative and always in need of fosters. The kids are responsible for caring for the dogs. We all work on teaching the dogs simple commands. We have met the nicest people through these groups and at adoption events and the kids have had a lot of practice interacting with diverse people. It's a win-win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I second the recommendation to foster dogs! Two of my three kids (now in MS/HS) have ADHD/anxiety/LDs but all the kids love fostering dogs and always do it for the 8th grade service learning project. The rescue groups we work with are very positive, appreciative and always in need of fosters. The kids are responsible for caring for the dogs. We all work on teaching the dogs simple commands. We have met the nicest people through these groups and at adoption events and the kids have had a lot of practice interacting with diverse people. It's a win-win.

Can you recommend rescue groups you work with that welcome kid involvement?

[Anonymous]

Get her into a social skills class. It did wonders for my nephew who is on the spectrum with a high IQ. He’s much more pleasant to be around now. Before he either tried too hard or monopolized the time with oversharing. He had to learn that not everything he thought needed to be verbalized and constantly agreeing with the others didn’t make them like you.

[Anonymous]

A problem that stretches over 10 years is a problem. Not a typical situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP we know a girl like this. She talks non stop about everything that interests her but she never actually stops and listens to others or asks questions of others. She is intense and interesting but its exhausting and alienating.

Could your DD have a particular quirk like this which needs looking at?

She is not like this. She is very good at holding a conversation and is curious, introspective and self aware.

I agree with you that there HAS TO BE some sort of quirk that is turning everyone off. The problem is, I don't know what it is. I can't figure it out.

Maybe she's good at holding conversations with you, but not her peers. Also, she can't be "self aware" if she's missing social cues, which it seems she is. I think it's important that she doesn't try to be friends with the "poplar" girls. Because of my oldest, I was good mom friends with the "popular" girls' moms, so I'd invite those kids to my younger DD's parties. She never got invitations and I realized that because of her "quirkiness" they just weren't going to be her friend group. I'm still friends with those mom's, but my DD has finally found her own group with similar interests/personalities. I wasn't trying to get her into a popular group, I was just using my friend circle to create social connects for her. Consider whether the people you invite are really going to be her friend group.