Wife wants another child; I do not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in your wife's shoes five years ago when DH began stalling on having our second. I told him I will divorce him over it. He reconsidered. We have three now.

Without children, there is no reason to marry at all.

You should know that children are more important than a man. Way more important. Denial of reproductive rights is worse than rape. Especially done to a woman, whose reproductive window is time limited.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in your wife's shoes five years ago when DH began stalling on having our second. I told him I will divorce him over it. He reconsidered. We have three now.

Without children, there is no reason to marry at all.

You should know that children are more important than a man. Way more important. Denial of reproductive rights is worse than rape. Especially done to a woman, whose reproductive window is time limited.

+1

Minus the rape part, I agree with PP. Give yourself a time frame (6 months, 1 year) and make it a pact with her. Give it your best effort and be supportive. If it works out, it was meant to be, if it doesn’t it wasn’t

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I told my wife she can go to the clinic and do this. I'm not going to stand and her way and she knows how I feel and that I really don't want anymore kids and she said that's not supportive. I told her I can't support her because it's not what I want. See? I said I'll go along with it but that's not enough.

Again— troll because he posted this twice.

But if this is true, what manipulative bullshit. Fine, I concede but this is all on your head. And I’ll never let you forget I don’t support you. Is she supposed to use donor sperm? Are you going to never take any parenting duties? What else does “not supporting” mean? What the duck.

Go. To. Therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I told my wife she can go to the clinic and do this. I'm not going to stand and her way and she knows how I feel and that I really don't want anymore kids and she said that's not supportive. I told her I can't support her because it's not what I want. See? I said I'll go along with it but that's not enough.

I don’t know all the ins and outs of dealing with IVF though I know several people that have gone that route for 2 kids. I’ve always read that infertility is difficult on a marriage. Have you had counseling/support just dealing with fertility issues and marriage? To me supporting your wife isn’t necessarily a blanket yes to going thru IVF again but rather working thru your emotions and being able to communicate them so you a chance to be a team again. There seems to be an underlying fear - maybe for her health, having a premature baby, dealing with the emotional roller coaster of IVF, about it being all about trying to get pregnant and not about being a couple etc. Fears are not always logical or rational. I could tell you if there were no infertility issues and you had pursued the large family she could still have a miscarriage, you could still have a premature baby, she could still have her life at risk giving birth, there could be a tension between it being all about the children versus spending time as a couple, you would still have to worry about finances, you could have been having your 4th child at 37 with a baby and night feedings plus a toddler and two others in this alternative universe of what could have been. You have to want something enough to be willing to work through your fears. Sometimes that means putting a boundary/limit, like I will try for x amount of time, sometimes it’s something that requires the other person to also act like division of labor issues or agreement on couples time etc, sometimes it is about minimizing the risks as much as you can but then stepping out on faith.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your wife probably feels like you lied to her, repeatedly. Which, to be frank, you kind of did. You knew you didn't want another child, but on several occasions, you led her to believe that you were willing to have a second. I'm glad that you have finally sorted out your own feelings, but if your wife is not able to get over it, you kind of made your own bed there.

I don't think I lied. I was just content when our son was born and as time went on, my desire to have another child went to zero. Is having another child REALLY this important? Why not just move on and keep our family together? We have a good life.

You lied by omission. About a really really important thing. It’s obviously important enough for to your wife to end the marriage. You don’t get to decide whether it’s important to her.
You seem to not listen and just keep repeating the same thing. That might be part of the problem.

But she knew I was content! I was ok with the one child we had. Tell me why she NEEDS another child? I asked her if she would rather have the one child we have or no children at all. It seems like she's not thankful for what she has.

Your response to her anger over your misrepresentations and grief over not having a second child is kieralky to say “your feelings are wrong and mine are right. Why can’t you just feel different about this?” You are an ass. I’d leave you solely for your reaction to this situation which shows exactly zero concern for your wife and her feelings. I couldn’t continue to live with someone who cared so little for me. You are as self-centered as a 2 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very important question to OP --- will you be having a vasectomy to ensure you never have another child?

I really really think you should.

OP - did you answer this question? Or are you avoiding this question because deep down, you think you might get remarried. I know in a previous post (which I asked) you stated that you won't ever remarry, but never say never, right? So, are you not getting the vasectomy because deep down you think you might get remarried and there is a chance that your new wife will want kids and you might be willing to have another?

I seriously don't understand men who won't get a vasectomy but say they absolutely don't want kids.

I know a man who got one because he was really done. They had four kids.

My DH was wiling to get one after our second (he wasn't even gungho on #2), so after #2 came, he definitely was done. Fortunately for him, I had a c-section, so I got my tubes tied. I also knew I was done. I jokingly told him that if he ever wanted another child I would kill him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in your wife's shoes five years ago when DH began stalling on having our second. I told him I will divorce him over it. He reconsidered. We have three now.

Without children, there is no reason to marry at all.

You should know that children are more important than a man. Way more important. Denial of reproductive rights is worse than rape. Especially done to a woman, whose reproductive window is time limited.

+1

Totally disagree. Woman here. I feel sorry for people like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your wife probably feels like you lied to her, repeatedly. Which, to be frank, you kind of did. You knew you didn't want another child, but on several occasions, you led her to believe that you were willing to have a second. I'm glad that you have finally sorted out your own feelings, but if your wife is not able to get over it, you kind of made your own bed there.

I don't think I lied. I was just content when our son was born and as time went on, my desire to have another child went to zero. Is having another child REALLY this important? Why not just move on and keep our family together? We have a good life.

You lied by omission. About a really really important thing. It’s obviously important enough for to your wife to end the marriage. You don’t get to decide whether it’s important to her.
You seem to not listen and just keep repeating the same thing. That might be part of the problem.

But she knew I was content! I was ok with the one child we had. Tell me why she NEEDS another child? I asked her if she would rather have the one child we have or no children at all. It seems like she's not thankful for what she has.

Your response to her anger over your misrepresentations and grief over not having a second child is kieralky to say “your feelings are wrong and mine are right. Why can’t you just feel different about this?” You are an ass. I’d leave you solely for your reaction to this situation which shows exactly zero concern for your wife and her feelings. I couldn’t continue to live with someone who cared so little for me. You are as self-centered as a 2 year old.

And so is she. Why can’t she just feel different?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! Imagine the conversation with your son. Mom and I divorced because she wanted to have another baby and grow our family but Daddy didn’t want another baby because they are too much work....son thinks..Daddy didn’t want me either.

Why would you tell these details to your son? You’re a horrible parent if you feel compelled to put this stuff on a child. And vindictive. And bitter. And just overall bad at life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your wife probably feels like you lied to her, repeatedly. Which, to be frank, you kind of did. You knew you didn't want another child, but on several occasions, you led her to believe that you were willing to have a second. I'm glad that you have finally sorted out your own feelings, but if your wife is not able to get over it, you kind of made your own bed there.

I don't think I lied. I was just content when our son was born and as time went on, my desire to have another child went to zero. Is having another child REALLY this important? Why not just move on and keep our family together? We have a good life.

You lied by omission. About a really really important thing. It’s obviously important enough for to your wife to end the marriage. You don’t get to decide whether it’s important to her.
You seem to not listen and just keep repeating the same thing. That might be part of the problem.

But she knew I was content! I was ok with the one child we had. Tell me why she NEEDS another child? I asked her if she would rather have the one child we have or no children at all. It seems like she's not thankful for what she has.

Your response to her anger over your misrepresentations and grief over not having a second child is kieralky to say “your feelings are wrong and mine are right. Why can’t you just feel different about this?” You are an ass. I’d leave you solely for your reaction to this situation which shows exactly zero concern for your wife and her feelings. I couldn’t continue to live with someone who cared so little for me. You are as self-centered as a 2 year old.

And so is she. Why can’t she just feel different?

Because that’s not how feelings work! Nice, kind, loving people do not say, “look, I can’t change my feelings so you better just change yours. Now.” They say, I’m sorry, I love you so much and I wish I could give you this but I just don’t feel that way. I know this is hard and devastating for you, and may ultimately mean we’re incompatible, but I want to stay together. How can I help you? How can we get through this together?”

You have not once acknowledged how deeply you’ve hurt your wife. If you won’t acknowledge it to us you certainly haven’t acknowledged it to her. “I don’t understand why you care so much about this” is rude and uncaring. Not to mention that you put her off for years making her think you might be ready later, and now you say you don’t want to because you’re to old!! You’re being self-servingly inconsistent. How can she possibly trust you with her feelings ever again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in your wife's shoes five years ago when DH began stalling on having our second. I told him I will divorce him over it. He reconsidered. We have three now.

Without children, there is no reason to marry at all.

You should know that children are more important than a man. Way more important. Denial of reproductive rights is worse than rape. Especially done to a woman, whose reproductive window is time limited.

+1

Totally disagree. Woman here. I feel sorry for people like you.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in your wife's shoes five years ago when DH began stalling on having our second. I told him I will divorce him over it. He reconsidered. We have three now.

Without children, there is no reason to marry at all.

You should know that children are more important than a man. Way more important. Denial of reproductive rights is worse than rape. Especially done to a woman, whose reproductive window is time limited.

+1

-1 A man has just as much right to his own family planning as a woman does. Don't give your spouse an ultimatum that you wouldn't want to get yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in your wife's shoes five years ago when DH began stalling on having our second. I told him I will divorce him over it. He reconsidered. We have three now.

Without children, there is no reason to marry at all.

You should know that children are more important than a man. Way more important. Denial of reproductive rights is worse than rape. Especially done to a woman, whose reproductive window is time limited.

+1

Totally disagree. Woman here. I feel sorry for people like you.

Why?

I feel bad for the dumb schmuck of a husband for not having the smarts to get out of that marriage while the getting was good.

[Anonymous]

Have you not considered that statistically, the odds are in your favor (by a lot) that sadly she won’t carry a baby for 40 weeks, and so by supporting the effort to try, you aren’t risking as much as you think? You are not guaranteed a baby if you consent to try. That is far from 100%. Especially if you agree to a time limit or attempt limit. Figure out the odds of a 41/42 year old IVF patient carrying to term, and that percentage is what you are risking. But look what you get in return: a wife who will feel heard, honored for the past commitment you made, and grateful to you for trying to make her (and previously your!) family vision a reality. It’s kind of the least you can do at the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in your wife's shoes five years ago when DH began stalling on having our second. I told him I will divorce him over it. He reconsidered. We have three now.

Without children, there is no reason to marry at all.

You should know that children are more important than a man. Way more important. Denial of reproductive rights is worse than rape. Especially done to a woman, whose reproductive window is time limited.

+1

-1 A man has just as much right to his own family planning as a woman does. Don't give your spouse an ultimatum that you wouldn't want to get yourself.

He does, but not with a woman of his choice.