In laws lifestyle 'hobby' vis a vis our children

[Anonymous]

PP again. Not saying that all hunters are poseurs. Just that it can attract some of the most annoying elements.

[Anonymous]

Outside of this particular activity, we get along just fine. We spend plenty of time with them. I am not obsessing about their behavior, was simply trying to answer some of the questions that were asked. FWIW.

I recommend that you go back and read your own posts. But if you want to dwell on the level of pretention or whatever, its your time to do what you choose with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Outside of this particular activity, we get along just fine. We spend plenty of time with them. I am not obsessing about their behavior, was simply trying to answer some of the questions that were asked. FWIW.

I recommend that you go back and read your own posts. But if you want to dwell on the level of pretention or whatever, its your time to do what you choose with.

i felt the level of detail was necessary to properly frame the situation. That doesn't make me obsessed. Annoyed about this particular thing, hell yes.

[Anonymous]

OK, OP, I am seeing your point of view better now. (Wow you have an opaque writing style.) The info about your husband not wanting the kids to participate is key. If you and your DH both don't want the kids to spend a whole day doing snooty/old-school-style horseback riding with their grandparents, then YOUR DH, not you, tells the grandparents the kids can't do it (because they're his parents). If you want to take the kids to ride the horses in the stables in Rock Creek Park a few times a year if the kids are interested, that's cool and you don't need to mention it to the grands. Problem solved!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Can't believe where this thread has gone! I will answer a couple of things... but wow , people.

And NO, I am not actually mentioning the sport, because as others have noted, it is just too small a town.

I am trying not to read into these responses as they stand, but I feel sort of outed as it is. I don't need to create more problems via gossip around my already somewhat gossipy in laws. Argh.

Good lord OP. Nobody knows or cares who you are. It's a big riding world in MD//VA/DC and you are one former hobbyist.

Sounds like you really want to be a part of some in-crowd intrigue that would associate you with somebody who is somebody in horses. Maybe enjoy the fantasy alone instead of coming to a board and pretending this is a thing?

Sincerely, somebody on this community for decades.

[Anonymous]

OP I skipped to the end here --
I did fox hunting from young ES age to an old age in that same casual way. Some clubs are casual. Some are not and I have ridden with those also. And the horses always need to be exercised over the course. As you know, you cant just take them out once a year. So I had many more invitations than I could possibly fulfill to ride anytime. And so I rode a lot. as for the gear, I am a standard small size so that was never a problem.
But to do it that way, your head has to be in the right place, and you cannot let the snobs get you down. You cannot let them move you onto their snob turf, so to speak.If you are there to enjoy, then enjoy.
But horse people are famous for their meanness and snobbiness (and proud of it!). So often, the children are not as interested as the parents, or the first person who loves to ride in the family. I have known many ardent horse lovers whose children think -- not for me!! and that is hurtful.
But having ridden in many hunts and tended to many injuries while out there, there is no way in this world that I would have my children do it with people I did not trust, which an attitude that I did not agree with, or just for status sake. You have to be a good and confident rider with plenty of experience to do this well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, OP, I am seeing your point of view better now. (Wow you have an opaque writing style.) The info about your husband not wanting the kids to participate is key. If you and your DH both don't want the kids to spend a whole day doing snooty/old-school-style horseback riding with their grandparents, then YOUR DH, not you, tells the grandparents the kids can't do it (because they're his parents). If you want to take the kids to ride the horses in the stables in Rock Creek Park a few times a year if the kids are interested, that's cool and you don't need to mention it to the grands. Problem solved!

Althouth the activity they want to do with their grandchildren is different (the polo / hunting is basically spot on) this is more or less my level of comfort with all of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, OP, I am seeing your point of view better now. (Wow you have an opaque writing style.) The info about your husband not wanting the kids to participate is key. If you and your DH both don't want the kids to spend a whole day doing snooty/old-school-style horseback riding with their grandparents, then YOUR DH, not you, tells the grandparents the kids can't do it (because they're his parents). If you want to take the kids to ride the horses in the stables in Rock Creek Park a few times a year if the kids are interested, that's cool and you don't need to mention it to the grands. Problem solved!

Althouth the activity they want to do with their grandchildren is different (the polo / hunting is basically spot on) this is more or less my level of comfort with all of it.

Basseting? Basseting is fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your in-laws have far bigger issues than whether your kids join them in their "hobby." I get now from your details that they are mostly poseurs who might actually put your kids in physical danger because this isn't a real hobby sport for in-laws and they don't have the true skills. The quotation marks make sense now. Let them make fools of themselves without your kids in tow.

They have the true skills, but they are very sugar coated with the past. Trying to pass down something from their history while excluding me, bc maybe my posting (or whatever, isnt literally ANY technique) isn't "circa 1900 Vanderbilt style"

We don't live in Middleburg, nor will we ever, and we are really not in a position to pour the time into it needed for our children to be part of that, nor do we want to. short of living on a farm, I don't see that it would be an enjoyable activity for our kids.

I guess I put it in quotes because it is closer to an obsession for them, and has a ton of baggage attached to it. As someone wrote way back, it is tied to their identity, especially social identity.

OMG OP My friends referred me to buy all that old stuff for me -- I thought it was cheaper. LOL they were trying to make me fit in. LOL I am an idiot! Luckily horses love me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I skipped to the end here --
I did fox hunting from young ES age to an old age in that same casual way. Some clubs are casual. Some are not and I have ridden with those also. And the horses always need to be exercised over the course. As you know, you cant just take them out once a year. So I had many more invitations than I could possibly fulfill to ride anytime. And so I rode a lot. as for the gear, I am a standard small size so that was never a problem.
But to do it that way, your head has to be in the right place, and you cannot let the snobs get you down. You cannot let them move you onto their snob turf, so to speak.If you are there to enjoy, then enjoy.
But horse people are famous for their meanness and snobbiness (and proud of it!). So often, the children are not as interested as the parents, or the first person who loves to ride in the family. I have known many ardent horse lovers whose children think -- not for me!! and that is hurtful.
But having ridden in many hunts and tended to many injuries while out there, there is no way in this world that I would have my children do it with people I did not trust, which an attitude that I did not agree with, or just for status sake. You have to be a good and confident rider with plenty of experience to do this well.

Wow, Op here, thank you so much. You just hit so many points.... While I might be able to do this and keep true to my roots amongst some of this crowd, I feel torn exposing my children to some of these children, who are wickedly mean as well, and some of whom have already sustained injuries and love to brag about them or act a casually about it. The social stuff skews it too much for me to feel like it is a good fit for my children.

[Anonymous]

And on that note, since I feel like everyone has gotten it what they needed, have a great day / rest of your week. I have a little to catch up on now that I've whittled away the am on here.

[Anonymous]

op if they want to take your kids riding then let them
dont use your kids to fight your battles

[Anonymous]

PP here: I understand your opaque writing style also. People would ask me why I always said "going out to the country this weekend" and very non specific. not saying going to the Firestones estate. Not saying I am going fox hunting and all the conversation that would bring. It is a small world and everyone does know everyone. its a sport. I enjoyed it. Its not really a conversation for me with people who don't do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is definitely hurt. Even though she claimed in another post she doesn't care that much.

I would let my kids do the activity with their grandparents- unless it is truly dangerous and then let them know a parent needs to come along. I agree with others that they may be uncomfortable inviting you without DH,since he isn't interested, no invite for you.

Sure, fine. That is true. To me, they've taken something I've loved, told me I didn't really "do" it, and are now using it to exclude me, when it would be one of the **very few things***, other than sitting down to a meal, that all of us could do together. Do you see? But I've realized that I am completely naive, they would never want to do it out of a shared love, but more to teach a social status and techniques from back in the day, that are no longer relevant. Secret handshakes if you will.

Could I get over it, yes. But their whole approach is soooo off-putting. Its like walking into a business meeting and the other person says, "Who the hell are you?!" and proceeds only to talk about themselves and never even get to the goals of the meeting.

At one time, I thought there would be some connection over a shared love of the activity EVEN IF the way I participated wasn't fancy enough for them...Its not like its soccer! I am struck by the fact they've taken something we could have had in common, and something that could have been a meaningful bridge and shared activity with children, and made it into this.

So it turns me off so much that we simply will not be part of this. It would be a stretch for us financially, and our feeling is the money is best spent elsewhere. I don't see my children as deriving ANY benefit from this activity, other than a chance to spend time with their grandparents. There are plenty of other activities they can do together, and I can't think of one other one that I wouldn't be fully supportive of.

OP, here's the thing. If you did it the way you described -- at a falling-down barn, fixing your own bridles, leasing out your ponies -- you did it even more than they possibly could. I've been around horsey people my entire life, and the ones who breed/groom their own horses, hold for the blacksmith, muck the stalls, scrape money together to enter shows, stay up with a sick horse, etc. etc., they are the real horsey folk. I'm disturbed by your comment that you find your family's efforts to enable you to ride growing up "embarrassing."

Anyway, just saying I would reframe it in my mind as you are the real horsewoman and they're the fakers. (They probably already know that.) Take your kids to the barn yourself. If the inlaws invite your kids, just say, "They don't really know what they're doing yet, so I'd rather come along since I grew up riding." If they balk, tell them they can come out for a hack at the falling-down fire hazard barn down the road.

[Anonymous]

Horse trainer here. OP sounds like the reason I have a "shut up and ride" cap in my closet.