Seeking opinions on an incident involving another family member disciplining my child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am seriously amazed by the holier than thou posters who claim a 0 tolerance policy for kids on couches. That is nuts. My kids are allowed on the furniture and I'm not stupid enough to think that makes them rude and undisciplined.

Your kids ARE rude and undisciplined, but OP's kid is worse - blatantly ignoring an instruction.

It is not kids on couches. It is kids standing on couch arm rests. It is dangerous and unruly.
I have 2 boys. I get it. They jump on couches - and I correct them.

But... It's not really dangerous... Was she holding a knife or something.

It is easy to fall Off and hit your head on a coffee table.
Believe me, I've done it. Life threatening? No. But couches are not playgrounds and falling off can hurt.

Exactly that is call natural consequence, no big deal. Not life threatening.so a can you please get down... Fine. Yelling and grabbing... Overreaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow talk about a situation blown out of proportion...you should have calmed her down in a less dramatic way. You contributed to the chaos. Your in laws apologized, move on. Life is too short to hold a grudge over your child misbehaving.

OP here. Where do you see me contributing to the drama? She was crying and scrambling away from my BIL who was angrily grabbing at her legs. I picked her up and took her away without a word to anyone. As a PP said, this kind of did feel like an instinctive response--I saw that she was terrified and my BIL was angry with her and my first reaction was to get her out of that room.

My DH did not stoop to my BIL's level as my BIL screamed in his face. Instead, he calmly got up with my other daughter and joined me upstairs where we sat with our two crying daughters and tried to figure out the best route. And, we stayed for the party.

This whole thing was your fault op. Do you not see that. BIL was handling it. You undermined his authority. It's his house, his rules like he said. Honestly op you needed a good spanking from BIL. I would have ripped your dd out of your arms and screamed in your dad's face and made her apologize. You op would have been kicked out.,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OMG I can't believe some of you people. You are going to find yourselves with teenage kids who feel like they aren't supported by you and can't count on you. I truly feel sorry for them.

+ a million

+ another million

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am seriously amazed by the holier than thou posters who claim a 0 tolerance policy for kids on couches. That is nuts. My kids are allowed on the furniture and I'm not stupid enough to think that makes them rude and undisciplined.

Your kids ARE rude and undisciplined, but OP's kid is worse - blatantly ignoring an instruction.

It is not kids on couches. It is kids standing on couch arm rests. It is dangerous and unruly.
I have 2 boys. I get it. They jump on couches - and I correct them.

But... It's not really dangerous... Was she holding a knife or something.

It is easy to fall Off and hit your head on a coffee table.
Believe me, I've done it. Life threatening? No. But couches are not playgrounds and falling off can hurt.

Exactly that is call natural consequence, no big deal. Not life threatening.so a can you please get down... Fine. Yelling and grabbing... Overreaction.

Not especially dangerous, imo. Rude. And can break the couch, especially inexpensive ones. I've had it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow talk about a situation blown out of proportion...you should have calmed her down in a less dramatic way. You contributed to the chaos. Your in laws apologized, move on. Life is too short to hold a grudge over your child misbehaving.

OP here. Where do you see me contributing to the drama? She was crying and scrambling away from my BIL who was angrily grabbing at her legs. I picked her up and took her away without a word to anyone. As a PP said, this kind of did feel like an instinctive response--I saw that she was terrified and my BIL was angry with her and my first reaction was to get her out of that room.

My DH did not stoop to my BIL's level as my BIL screamed in his face. Instead, he calmly got up with my other daughter and joined me upstairs where we sat with our two crying daughters and tried to figure out the best route. And, we stayed for the party.

This whole thing was your fault op. Do you not see that. BIL was handling it. You undermined his authority. It's his house, his rules like he said. Honestly op you needed a good spanking from BIL. I would have ripped your dd out of your arms and screamed in your dad's face and made her apologize. You op would have been kicked out.,

You and the BIL could both use some anger management classes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am seriously amazed by the holier than thou posters who claim a 0 tolerance policy for kids on couches. That is nuts. My kids are allowed on the furniture and I'm not stupid enough to think that makes them rude and undisciplined.

Your kids ARE rude and undisciplined, but OP's kid is worse - blatantly ignoring an instruction.

It is not kids on couches. It is kids standing on couch arm rests. It is dangerous and unruly.
I have 2 boys. I get it. They jump on couches - and I correct them.

But... It's not really dangerous... Was she holding a knife or something.

It is easy to fall Off and hit your head on a coffee table.
Believe me, I've done it. Life threatening? No. But couches are not playgrounds and falling off can hurt.

Or break an arm, like I did when I was playing on the couch when I was 6. Plus, it is just rude. I've had other kids jump on my couch and break it. Couches are expensive.

Kids break their arm on a jungle gym too. Do you scream at them when they are on one. Not. It's more about breaking the couch or "bring rude" ... Yelling is rude too, so just politely ask the 4yo to get down please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am seriously amazed by the holier than thou posters who claim a 0 tolerance policy for kids on couches. That is nuts. My kids are allowed on the furniture and I'm not stupid enough to think that makes them rude and undisciplined.

Your kids ARE rude and undisciplined, but OP's kid is worse - blatantly ignoring an instruction.

It is not kids on couches. It is kids standing on couch arm rests. It is dangerous and unruly.
I have 2 boys. I get it. They jump on couches - and I correct them.

But... It's not really dangerous... Was she holding a knife or something.

It is easy to fall Off and hit your head on a coffee table.
Believe me, I've done it. Life threatening? No. But couches are not playgrounds and falling off can hurt.

Exactly that is call natural consequence, no big deal. Not life threatening.so a can you please get down... Fine. Yelling and grabbing... Overreaction.

Not especially dangerous, imo. Rude. And can break the couch, especially inexpensive ones. I've had it happen.

Sure but so is yelling... Rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're going to get a lot of responses on here in support of the BIL because frankly there are a lot of people on here like him. But in my opinion what he did was totally unacceptable. You don't get physical with someone else's kids. If she was on the couch and he didn't like it, and she didn't get down after he told her, he should have said to you or your DH (who were both right there, right??) "get your kid off the couch, i just told her to get down and she didn't listen"

OK, we shouldn't get physical with other people's kids, guess we'll let them drown, not stop them from running into street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. To clarify about the leg-grabbing--I don't think that he removed her from the couch--I think she got herself down onto the seat part when she saw him moving toward her. She scrambled down, and he grabbed at her as she was scrambling down. By the time I turned around, she was on the seat part face-up with her legs facing him, and he was leaning over the arm rest trying to grab at her legs.

OP, how do you know how it all went down if you had your back to them? You are making assumptions based on your bias.

It sounds as if she was maybe trying to kick him or scramble back up to the arm rest and that is why he grabbed her legs.

Who cares, the right thing to do was for bIl to walk up to the mom and say quietly, "I know u r busy but larva is standing on the couch, can u ask her to get down"

She was not going to break anything is he 16 seconds it takes to bring this to Ops attention.

My niece broke her collar bone at four years old doing exactly what her daughter was doing. My SIL was a few steps away and told her to get down. Had she reached over and removed her quickly she likely would not have broken anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. To clarify about the leg-grabbing--I don't think that he removed her from the couch--I think she got herself down onto the seat part when she saw him moving toward her. She scrambled down, and he grabbed at her as she was scrambling down. By the time I turned around, she was on the seat part face-up with her legs facing him, and he was leaning over the arm rest trying to grab at her legs.

OP, how do you know how it all went down if you had your back to them? You are making assumptions based on your bias.

It sounds as if she was maybe trying to kick him or scramble back up to the arm rest and that is why he grabbed her legs.

Who cares, the right thing to do was for bIl to walk up to the mom and say quietly, "I know u r busy but larva is standing on the couch, can u ask her to get down"

She was not going to break anything is he 16 seconds it takes to bring this to Ops attention.

My niece broke her collar bone at four years old doing exactly what her daughter was doing. My SIL was a few steps away and told her to get down. Had she reached over and removed her quickly she likely would not have broken anything.

BFF... Kids get hurt doing all sorts of things, screaming would have helped?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OMG I can't believe some of you people. You are going to find yourselves with teenage kids who feel like they aren't supported by you and can't count on you. I truly feel sorry for them.

+ a million

+ another million

Actually, you are wrong. People who parent like you are going to end up with rebelious teenagers who do whatever they want, or precious snowflakes who melt tue first time they have a coach correct them or a teacher grade them harshly or a boss who lets them know that the world does not revolve around them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're going to get a lot of responses on here in support of the BIL because frankly there are a lot of people on here like him. But in my opinion what he did was totally unacceptable. You don't get physical with someone else's kids. If she was on the couch and he didn't like it, and she didn't get down after he told her, he should have said to you or your DH (who were both right there, right??) "get your kid off the couch, i just told her to get down and she didn't listen"

OK, we shouldn't get physical with other people's kids, guess we'll let them drown, not stop them from running into street.

I reserve yelling for car speeding at a child, and I have jumped in to get a kid from drowning. But yes, a kid on a couch does not require this type do force.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We recently made a weekend visit to my sister and her DH and 2 children. My kids are 4 and 6 and hers are about the same ages. Here is what happened (I was with my back turned, helping my other child with something, so did not see all of it directly): My 4YO apparently climbed onto the arm rest of the couch and was standing on it. My BIL firmly told her "no...no...." and she did not comply. He then moved toward her with the intention of physically removing her from the couch. By the time I realized that there was something happening and turned around, she was on the seat of the couch crying and trying to crawl away, and he was standing over her grabbing at her legs. I picked her up and ran out of the room with her as she continued to cry; as I did so, I heard my BIL yell (to me, I assume) "she needs an attitude adjustment!!" After I had left the room (this next part is what my DH says), my other daughter started crying, presumably because she was scared. My DH said to her "it's okay, it's okay" and my BIL screamed at him (this I heard from the other room) "It's NOT okay!! This is my house, my rules!!" I proceeded to the room in which we were staying and my DH and other daughter soon followed. We did not know what to do but we both wanted to leave that instant. My 4YO was still sobbing and repeating "I want to go home" over and over. My older daughter was also still crying. We began packing up our stuff. We did not know what to do because my nephew's birthday party (the reason for our visit) was later that day. My BIL came up to our room shortly after and apologized. My SIL did, too. We ended up staying through the party, but left immediately after it finished instead of staying over a second night as originally planned.

My main questions are, would you have handled this differently and if so how? Also, what would you do going forward? My DH and I are in agreement that we really should not ever stay at their home again. (I should mention that although this is the worst incident that has ever happened, it is not the first...my sister and her BIL have very different parenting styles than we do. They are very strict and military-like and strongly favor punishments and corporal punishment, whereas we do not).

I think your BIL was fine to physically remove her from the armrest, but what I disagree with is the bolded part. If she was sitting on the couch, why was he grabbing at her legs? That is totally out of line. And for him to then yell at your DH? Horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OMG I can't believe some of you people. You are going to find yourselves with teenage kids who feel like they aren't supported by you and can't count on you. I truly feel sorry for them.

+ a million

+ another million

Actually, you are wrong. People who parent like you are going to end up with rebelious teenagers who do whatever they want, or precious snowflakes who melt tue first time they have a coach correct them or a teacher grade them harshly or a boss who lets them know that the world does not revolve around them.

Or a child who isn't afraid to tell the boss off and report him when he grabs her ass.

[Anonymous]

I doubt BIL was actually screaming.

How many people do you know, adults and children alike, who say "screaming" or "yelling" when in all actuality the person is just speaking strongly.

How many times do your kids say that about you?

Or do you say it about your spouse during disagreements?

Or parents about coaches or kids about teachers.

We have become so soft as a group that even the slightest raised voice is characterized as "screaming" or "yelling".

Based on OPs over reaction and escalation of the situation, I really doubt that BIL was screaming at all and certainly not at the beginning.