Feminism, femininity, and marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the problem: There is no "feminist agenda." We are all different people who have different interpretations of what feminism means to us. The word has been co-opted in a bad way to mean man-haters, or pantsuit-wearing lesbian Phds (from another thread), or people who sneer at stay-at-home moms. Most of us just want to work to make sure that all women and girls have the opportunity to determine their own destinies: get an education, live in safety, make their own reproductive decisions, and enjoy the same economic, legal, and political opportunities as men. For girls to see themselves as just as smart, capable, brave, and strong as boys. Really, we're not anti-marriage, anti-family, anti-men, or even anti-pink.

Good to hear. But as long as your message is co-opted by the man-haters which it has been totally..that message that it is just empower girls will not get through. Because the actions of these extreme feminists in the media point to the contrary.

[Anonymous]

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Families were stressed back when women followed traditional gender roles, just in a different way. The truth is that there are no good options. Families are stressful. When women played traditional gender roles, they were stressed all the time because they were treated very badly by the majority of husbands (of course, maybe 25% of the husbands were good, but 75% treated their wives and children someplace between their dog and their car). When women try to have some power in the relationship, by bringing in money and some independence, they have some self respect, but end up working 24/7. I think it is an impossible problem, and we just have to accept that families will always make at least 50% of the people miserable.

There's an interesting premise buried in your paragraph. I totally get the problem with the power disparity -- even if I'm skeptical of your statistics. (Wouldn't really matter if it was only, say, 20% of husbands abusing the power structure). But the idea that self-respect should be tied to bringing in money, rather than other life activities, is troublesome. Making money is often a shallow endeavor, unrewarding in the long term. It's necessary but, in my opinion, overvalued in our society. Our culture's narrow focus on earning and consumption makes our lives shallow and sad.

Power comes from earning money. Just ask my deceased mother, who, although she did not have time stress like I do, was miserable because her husband had the ultimate decisionmaking power in the house. No thanks.

And happiness comes from power?

No, but freedom does. If you have to be unhappy, it's better to be unhappy and rich than unhappy and poor. Having money has no downside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the problem: There is no "feminist agenda." We are all different people who have different interpretations of what feminism means to us. The word has been co-opted in a bad way to mean man-haters, or pantsuit-wearing lesbian Phds (from another thread), or people who sneer at stay-at-home moms. Most of us just want to work to make sure that all women and girls have the opportunity to determine their own destinies: get an education, live in safety, make their own reproductive decisions, and enjoy the same economic, legal, and political opportunities as men. For girls to see themselves as just as smart, capable, brave, and strong as boys. Really, we're not anti-marriage, anti-family, anti-men, or even anti-pink.

Good to hear. But as long as your message is co-opted by the man-haters which it has been totally..that message that it is just empower girls will not get through. Because the actions of these extreme feminists in the media point to the contrary.

I don't care what's happening in the media. I'm raising my girls to think for themselves and not worry about whatever the media is saying. So there a bunch of rabid crazies running around trying to define "feminism." Whatever. Just live your life the way you want, and recognize that if someone tries to stop you, that you have the power to overcome.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:What feminists say: "Feminism is for everyone!"

What feminists mean: "Feminism is for everyone (with a college/advanced degree, who doesn't conform to traditional gender roles, except for people who disagree with what I think feminism and feminists should look like.)"

And I'm a feminist. Gag.

Well that is why feminist now is sometimes used as a slur.

Women just can't get out of their own way. How can society as a whole respect women when we don't even respect each other?

How can I respect a woman who defaults to her husband as head of the household just because he has a penis?

No one cares about your respect.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don't really care about feminism. I care about what makes me happy. I love taking care of my DH and my family. My DH is the head of our household and I'm not ashamed to say it. he's a great provider and a wonderful partner in life and raising out children you won't see me complaining about him on these boards. I let him be a man and he let's me be a woman. We are different on the way we were born. Our brains were wired differently and those difference compliment each other and make us better together.

And yes. I work. I love my job, but I also put my family first and it doesn't get in the way of my #1 priority, my kids and husband.

You might not feel that "head of the household" crap if you were more educated, or if he beat you.

Nice combo. More educated and beatings! "You are too dumb to recognize that you shouldn't like what you have now - if you were smarter, you'd feel the same way as if your dumb ass was getting beaten." How condescending.

Considering the fact that I'm a Columbia gratuate and attended Juilliard in High School, I think I'm covered in the education department.

I can be accomplished and at the same time embrace my biological drive. I'm not so sure why the angry stranger is so upset the happiness that I gain from my family.

But you still use "let's" for lets and "compliment" when you mean "complement." You've got music education, I guess. Just for laughs, do you not want to be the co-head of the household, along with your husband, because it's threatening to him, or ?

It's my phone dummy. The keyboard is very sensitive. why are you so angry? Is this just your personality?

My DH is simply the head of our household.That doesn't make anyone less important, nor does it diminish my role. It's not a contest.

The "i" and the "e" are nowhere near each other on the keyboard. Admit that you didn't know it was complementary instead of complimentary.

You have really embarrassed yourself. I'd just stop now. How old are you? Did you just get a smartphone?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don't really care about feminism. I care about what makes me happy. I love taking care of my DH and my family. My DH is the head of our household and I'm not ashamed to say it. he's a great provider and a wonderful partner in life and raising out children you won't see me complaining about him on these boards. I let him be a man and he let's me be a woman. We are different on the way we were born. Our brains were wired differently and those difference compliment each other and make us better together.

And yes. I work. I love my job, but I also put my family first and it doesn't get in the way of my #1 priority, my kids and husband.

You might not feel that "head of the household" crap if you were more educated, or if he beat you.

Nice combo. More educated and beatings! "You are too dumb to recognize that you shouldn't like what you have now - if you were smarter, you'd feel the same way as if your dumb ass was getting beaten." How condescending.

Considering the fact that I'm a Columbia gratuate and attended Juilliard in High School, I think I'm covered in the education department.

I can be accomplished and at the same time embrace my biological drive. I'm not so sure why the angry stranger is so upset the happiness that I gain from my family.

But you still use "let's" for lets and "compliment" when you mean "complement." You've got music education, I guess. Just for laughs, do you not want to be the co-head of the household, along with your husband, because it's threatening to him, or ?

It's my phone dummy. The keyboard is very sensitive. why are you so angry? Is this just your personality?

My DH is simply the head of our household.That doesn't make anyone less important, nor does it diminish my role. It's not a contest.

The head is the most important. Would you say the vice president is just as important as the president in any organization? Of course appointing someone else as the "head" of your family diminishes your role. By definition. What does it mean in practical terms to you? That he tells you what to spend money on, and how much? I honestly don't understand what you mean when you use that phrase.

Is the quarterback more important than the wide receiver?

You are confused because not everyone thinks of feels exactly like you. You are threatened by healthy confident strong women who are happy doing things quite differently. You are probably jealous that these women are strong enough to allow themselves to love and trust their husbands.

I wonder why you care so much about me when I don't give a shit about you.

[Anonymous]

If femininity means I'm the one solely responsible for scrubbing the toilets & tubs, vacuuming, laundry & cooking, picking up socks and other things strewn about the house, then I have to say no thanks. I'll share these tasks everyone else in the household, but don't tell me these are my natural duties based on my female brain. I have no desire to be a maid.

And I'm glad to have feminism there to support me in my lack of desire to embrace traditionally defined femininity while still defining myself as being all woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's the problem: There is no "feminist agenda." We are all different people who have different interpretations of what feminism means to us. The word has been co-opted in a bad way to mean man-haters, or pantsuit-wearing lesbian Phds (from another thread), or people who sneer at stay-at-home moms. Most of us just want to work to make sure that all women and girls have the opportunity to determine their own destinies: get an education, live in safety, make their own reproductive decisions, and enjoy the same economic, legal, and political opportunities as men. For girls to see themselves as just as smart, capable, brave, and strong as boys. Really, we're not anti-marriage, anti-family, anti-men, or even anti-pink.

Good to hear. But as long as your message is co-opted by the man-haters which it has been totally..that message that it is just empower girls will not get through. Because the actions of these extreme feminists in the media point to the contrary.

NP here. Please give specific examples of extreme feminist man-haters in the media. More than 1 or 2 examples, please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If femininity means I'm the one solely responsible for scrubbing the toilets & tubs, vacuuming, laundry & cooking, picking up socks and other things strewn about the house, then I have to say no thanks. I'll share these tasks everyone else in the household, but don't tell me these are my natural duties based on my female brain. I have no desire to be a maid.

And I'm glad to have feminism there to support me in my lack of desire to embrace traditionally defined femininity while still defining myself as being all woman.

Who likes that arrangement? I wouldn't call myself a feminist and that's not how my household runs. My DH is in charge of the laundry. Even though he is the head of the household, it does not make him king.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If femininity means I'm the one solely responsible for scrubbing the toilets & tubs, vacuuming, laundry & cooking, picking up socks and other things strewn about the house, then I have to say no thanks. I'll share these tasks everyone else in the household, but don't tell me these are my natural duties based on my female brain. I have no desire to be a maid.

And I'm glad to have feminism there to support me in my lack of desire to embrace traditionally defined femininity while still defining myself as being all woman.

Who likes that arrangement? I wouldn't call myself a feminist and that's not how my household runs. My DH is in charge of the laundry. Even though he is the head of the household, it does not make him king.

"Head of the household" - what does that even mean? Such a bizarre concept to me to assign this to one parent and not the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If femininity means I'm the one solely responsible for scrubbing the toilets & tubs, vacuuming, laundry & cooking, picking up socks and other things strewn about the house, then I have to say no thanks. I'll share these tasks everyone else in the household, but don't tell me these are my natural duties based on my female brain. I have no desire to be a maid.

And I'm glad to have feminism there to support me in my lack of desire to embrace traditionally defined femininity while still defining myself as being all woman.

Who likes that arrangement? I wouldn't call myself a feminist and that's not how my household runs. My DH is in charge of the laundry. Even though he is the head of the household, it does not make him king.

I think who likes that arrangement are a lot of men. I mean heck I'd like to have that arrangement where I didn't have to do any chores.


And I know plenty of women who put up with this arrangement. I don't understand it at all.

[Anonymous]

I'm a feminist, but my DH is head of the household. What it means is this: sometimes you just can not come to an agreement. Some times both of you feel the other is wrong. When we get to that point, we go with his decision because he is the head.

Every family must have a way to cope when this happens. If this has never happened to you, consider yourself very lucky. It happens to most couples at least at 1 point in their marriage.

In some families, even families with very feminine Stay at home women, the woman really is the head and her decision carries. In my family, it is DH.

[Anonymous]

My wife makes most of the day-to-day decisions. I make more of the long-term decisions. I think that's a fairly traditional arrangement. Does that make one of us "the head"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife makes most of the day-to-day decisions. I make more of the long-term decisions. I think that's a fairly traditional arrangement. Does that make one of us "the head"?

I think anyone's definition is unique to them. There's is not one single marriage where the power dynamic is perfectly equal. Not one. There is always a.dominant player, regardless if you are secure enough to admit it or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife makes most of the day-to-day decisions. I make more of the long-term decisions. I think that's a fairly traditional arrangement. Does that make one of us "the head"?

Only if one of you doesn't really agree with the decisions the other is making, but obeys anyway.