Feminism, femininity, and marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a feminist, but my DH is head of the household. What it means is this: sometimes you just can not come to an agreement. Some times both of you feel the other is wrong. When we get to that point, we go with his decision because he is the head.

Every family must have a way to cope when this happens. If this has never happened to you, consider yourself very lucky. It happens to most couples at least at 1 point in their marriage.

In some families, even families with very feminine Stay at home women, the woman really is the head and her decision carries. In my family, it is DH.

Why can't you sometimes go with your decision even if your DH disagrees with it? I'm asking out of real curiosity.

I personally would feel resentful if my DH always got the final say when we couldn't come to an agreement. Instead sometimes I give in to him even if I disagree and sometimes he gives in to me even if he disagrees. It feels like a real partnership, as messy as that can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a feminist, but my DH is head of the household. What it means is this: sometimes you just can not come to an agreement. Some times both of you feel the other is wrong. When we get to that point, we go with his decision because he is the head.

Every family must have a way to cope when this happens. If this has never happened to you, consider yourself very lucky. It happens to most couples at least at 1 point in their marriage.

In some families, even families with very feminine Stay at home women, the woman really is the head and her decision carries. In my family, it is DH.

Why can't you sometimes go with your decision even if your DH disagrees with it? I'm asking out of real curiosity.

I personally would feel resentful if my DH always got the final say when we couldn't come to an agreement. Instead sometimes I give in to him even if I disagree and sometimes he gives in to me even if he disagrees. It feels like a real partnership, as messy as that can be.

'

What if it is something where you both feel very strongly? For example, what if you had a great job offer in another city while your DH had a great job here? In the end, one of you must sacrifice for the other.

I think I sacrifice because, frankly, I am stronger than my DH and I know somehow I will make it work, even if I don't like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a feminist, but my DH is head of the household. What it means is this: sometimes you just can not come to an agreement. Some times both of you feel the other is wrong. When we get to that point, we go with his decision because he is the head.

Every family must have a way to cope when this happens. If this has never happened to you, consider yourself very lucky. It happens to most couples at least at 1 point in their marriage.

In some families, even families with very feminine Stay at home women, the woman really is the head and her decision carries. In my family, it is DH.

Why can't you sometimes go with your decision even if your DH disagrees with it? I'm asking out of real curiosity.

I personally would feel resentful if my DH always got the final say when we couldn't come to an agreement. Instead sometimes I give in to him even if I disagree and sometimes he gives in to me even if he disagrees. It feels like a real partnership, as messy as that can be.

Well that is how it happens 99% of the time, but then there is the stalemate once a year. I'm the one who bends. it certainly does not make me feel resentful. That would be a recipe for unhappiness. We actually don't disagree much as we are matched pretty well. Same values, same spending habits, same work ethic, we are in lock step when it comes to the kids.

I'm a new poster BTW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a feminist, but my DH is head of the household. What it means is this: sometimes you just can not come to an agreement. Some times both of you feel the other is wrong. When we get to that point, we go with his decision because he is the head.

Every family must have a way to cope when this happens. If this has never happened to you, consider yourself very lucky. It happens to most couples at least at 1 point in their marriage.

In some families, even families with very feminine Stay at home women, the woman really is the head and her decision carries. In my family, it is DH.

Why can't you sometimes go with your decision even if your DH disagrees with it? I'm asking out of real curiosity.

I personally would feel resentful if my DH always got the final say when we couldn't come to an agreement. Instead sometimes I give in to him even if I disagree and sometimes he gives in to me even if he disagrees. It feels like a real partnership, as messy as that can be.

+1. We do have a rule that at the end of the day, whoever cares the most about the particular subject gets the final vote. This has always been an effective tie breaker. But most things are by consensus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

+1. We do have a rule that at the end of the day, whoever cares the most about the particular subject gets the final vote. This has always been an effective tie breaker. But most things are by consensus.

That's how it is at our house too, generally. But I'm very laid back and don't care too much most of the time. So DW gets her way more often than me. But, when we disagree and I actually have strong feelings about something, the decision usually goes my way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a feminist, but my DH is head of the household. What it means is this: sometimes you just can not come to an agreement. Some times both of you feel the other is wrong. When we get to that point, we go with his decision because he is the head.

Every family must have a way to cope when this happens. If this has never happened to you, consider yourself very lucky. It happens to most couples at least at 1 point in their marriage.

In some families, even families with very feminine Stay at home women, the woman really is the head and her decision carries. In my family, it is DH.

Why can't you sometimes go with your decision even if your DH disagrees with it? I'm asking out of real curiosity.

I personally would feel resentful if my DH always got the final say when we couldn't come to an agreement. Instead sometimes I give in to him even if I disagree and sometimes he gives in to me even if he disagrees. It feels like a real partnership, as messy as that can be.

'

What if it is something where you both feel very strongly? For example, what if you had a great job offer in another city while your DH had a great job here? In the end, one of you must sacrifice for the other.

I think I sacrifice because, frankly, I am stronger than my DH and I know somehow I will make it work, even if I don't like it.

Why can't you take turns sacrificing? Maybe it would be good character building for your husband to learn that he can also be strong and learn to make things work even when they don't go his way. And I wonder if he knows you don't think he is strong enough to bend and give in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a feminist, but my DH is head of the household. What it means is this: sometimes you just can not come to an agreement. Some times both of you feel the other is wrong. When we get to that point, we go with his decision because he is the head.

Every family must have a way to cope when this happens. If this has never happened to you, consider yourself very lucky. It happens to most couples at least at 1 point in their marriage.

In some families, even families with very feminine Stay at home women, the woman really is the head and her decision carries. In my family, it is DH.

Why can't you sometimes go with your decision even if your DH disagrees with it? I'm asking out of real curiosity.

I personally would feel resentful if my DH always got the final say when we couldn't come to an agreement. Instead sometimes I give in to him even if I disagree and sometimes he gives in to me even if he disagrees. It feels like a real partnership, as messy as that can be.

'

What if it is something where you both feel very strongly? For example, what if you had a great job offer in another city while your DH had a great job here? In the end, one of you must sacrifice for the other.

I think I sacrifice because, frankly, I am stronger than my DH and I know somehow I will make it work, even if I don't like it.

Well if I had to sacrifice something that huge (and let's be clear, there would need to be other considerations taken for example the kids and their schools, standard of living), then that would mean it would be DH's turn to give in on other big issues that we might disagree on, whatever those might be - where and when to go on vacation, whose family to spend holidays with, home upgrades, decisions affecting the children, etc.

[Anonymous]

DH feels like I have the final say. I feel like he does. Laid back = too fg lazy to lift a finger = most men

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know more men who have suffered violence at the hands of men than women who have suffered violence at the hands of men.

With respect to violence, feminism is useful to the extent it is/was necessary to convince society that male-on-female violence is wrong. But, to the extent that people know it's wrong and yet such violence still happens, well, welcome to the club. There are criminals among us, and we all suffer from them. Men are more often victims (and, yes, perpetrators too) of violent crime than women.

Men are by and large the violent ones. Men are the problem. And they know it.

Men know women are just as capable and smart, perhaps more so. We are less prone to be destructive and anti-social. We can make more humans if we want with very little contribution from men. We don't need you. Oh the irony that for centuries religion insisted that women needed religion to resist their baser natures. When we have proof every day that it is men who are unable to govern themselves, and women can do just fine without them.

This is why you are seeing angry tirades and backlash. This is why everyone talks about Obama "coming for my guns!" when in reality, no one has touched your guns. They are actually coming for our birth control. Everyone knows a woman who is unable to control when and how she becomes pregnant/a mother is at a serious disadvantage. And many men instinctively want women at a disadvantage. Just like the good old days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I don't really care about feminism. I care about what makes me happy. I love taking care of my DH and my family. My DH is the head of our household and I'm not ashamed to say it. he's a great provider and a wonderful partner in life and raising out children you won't see me complaining about him on these boards. I let him be a man and he let's me be a woman. We are different on the way we were born. Our brains were wired differently and those difference compliment each other and make us better together.

And yes. I work. I love my job, but I also put my family first and it doesn't get in the way of my #1 priority, my kids and husband.

You might not feel that "head of the household" crap if you were more educated, or if he beat you.

Nice combo. More educated and beatings! "You are too dumb to recognize that you shouldn't like what you have now - if you were smarter, you'd feel the same way as if your dumb ass was getting beaten." How condescending.

Considering the fact that I'm a Columbia gratuate and attended Juilliard in High School, I think I'm covered in the education department.

I can be accomplished and at the same time embrace my biological drive. I'm not so sure why the angry stranger is so upset the happiness that I gain from my family.

But you still use "let's" for lets and "compliment" when you mean "complement." You've got music education, I guess. Just for laughs, do you not want to be the co-head of the household, along with your husband, because it's threatening to him, or ?

It's my phone dummy. The keyboard is very sensitive. why are you so angry? Is this just your personality?

My DH is simply the head of our household.That doesn't make anyone less important, nor does it diminish my role. It's not a contest.

The head is the most important. Would you say the vice president is just as important as the president in any organization? Of course appointing someone else as the "head" of your family diminishes your role. By definition. What does it mean in practical terms to you? That he tells you what to spend money on, and how much? I honestly don't understand what you mean when you use that phrase.

Not the PP but I tell you what it means to me. I look to him as a rock and a steady guide when I feel unmoored. I trust him in the difficult decisions that he makes after we talk through consequences together. It is comforting to me that he is the one making sure that our household unit is safe and I am helping him do it. I am very well educated and have my own finances and yet I take psychological comfort that he will watch out for me and our children.

But why don't you view your marriage as you two working together to, for instance, make sure your household unit is safe? Why the need to see him in a superior, and you in a subordinate, way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH feels like I have the final say. I feel like he does. Laid back = too fg lazy to lift a finger = most men

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What feminists say: "Feminism is for everyone!"

What feminists mean: "Feminism is for everyone (with a college/advanced degree, who doesn't conform to traditional gender roles, except for people who disagree with what I think feminism and feminists should look like.)"

And I'm a feminist. Gag.

Well that is why feminist now is sometimes used as a slur.

Women just can't get out of their own way. How can society as a whole respect women when we don't even respect each other?

How can I respect a woman who defaults to her husband as head of the household just because he has a penis?

No one cares about your respect.

Okay then. What a puerile "argument."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really care about feminism. I care about what makes me happy. I love taking care of my DH and my family. My DH is the head of our household and I'm not ashamed to say it. he's a great provider and a wonderful partner in life and raising out children you won't see me complaining about him on these boards. I let him be a man and he let's me be a woman. We are different on the way we were born. Our brains were wired differently and those difference compliment each other and make us better together.

And yes. I work. I love my job, but I also put my family first and it doesn't get in the way of my #1 priority, my kids and husband.

You might not feel that "head of the household" crap if you were more educated, or if he beat you.

Nice combo. More educated and beatings! "You are too dumb to recognize that you shouldn't like what you have now - if you were smarter, you'd feel the same way as if your dumb ass was getting beaten." How condescending.

Considering the fact that I'm a Columbia gratuate and attended Juilliard in High School, I think I'm covered in the education department.

I can be accomplished and at the same time embrace my biological drive. I'm not so sure why the angry stranger is so upset the happiness that I gain from my family.

But you still use "let's" for lets and "compliment" when you mean "complement." You've got music education, I guess. Just for laughs, do you not want to be the co-head of the household, along with your husband, because it's threatening to him, or ?

It's my phone dummy. The keyboard is very sensitive. why are you so angry? Is this just your personality?

My DH is simply the head of our household.That doesn't make anyone less important, nor does it diminish my role. It's not a contest.

The "i" and the "e" are nowhere near each other on the keyboard. Admit that you didn't know it was complementary instead of complimentary.

You have really embarrassed yourself. I'd just stop now. How old are you? Did you just get a smartphone?

Thanks for conceding my point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really care about feminism. I care about what makes me happy. I love taking care of my DH and my family. My DH is the head of our household and I'm not ashamed to say it. he's a great provider and a wonderful partner in life and raising out children you won't see me complaining about him on these boards. I let him be a man and he let's me be a woman. We are different on the way we were born. Our brains were wired differently and those difference compliment each other and make us better together.

And yes. I work. I love my job, but I also put my family first and it doesn't get in the way of my #1 priority, my kids and husband.

You might not feel that "head of the household" crap if you were more educated, or if he beat you.

Nice combo. More educated and beatings! "You are too dumb to recognize that you shouldn't like what you have now - if you were smarter, you'd feel the same way as if your dumb ass was getting beaten." How condescending.

Considering the fact that I'm a Columbia gratuate and attended Juilliard in High School, I think I'm covered in the education department.

I can be accomplished and at the same time embrace my biological drive. I'm not so sure why the angry stranger is so upset the happiness that I gain from my family.

But you still use "let's" for lets and "compliment" when you mean "complement." You've got music education, I guess. Just for laughs, do you not want to be the co-head of the household, along with your husband, because it's threatening to him, or ?

It's my phone dummy. The keyboard is very sensitive. why are you so angry? Is this just your personality?

My DH is simply the head of our household.That doesn't make anyone less important, nor does it diminish my role. It's not a contest.

The head is the most important. Would you say the vice president is just as important as the president in any organization? Of course appointing someone else as the "head" of your family diminishes your role. By definition. What does it mean in practical terms to you? That he tells you what to spend money on, and how much? I honestly don't understand what you mean when you use that phrase.

Is the quarterback more important than the wide receiver?

You are confused because not everyone thinks of feels exactly like you. You are threatened by healthy confident strong women who are happy doing things quite differently. You are probably jealous that these women are strong enough to allow themselves to love and trust their husbands.

I wonder why you care so much about me when I don't give a shit about you.

Love and trust, but verify. A strong, healthy, confident woman doesn't cede ultimate power over her life to her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If femininity means I'm the one solely responsible for scrubbing the toilets & tubs, vacuuming, laundry & cooking, picking up socks and other things strewn about the house, then I have to say no thanks. I'll share these tasks everyone else in the household, but don't tell me these are my natural duties based on my female brain. I have no desire to be a maid.

And I'm glad to have feminism there to support me in my lack of desire to embrace traditionally defined femininity while still defining myself as being all woman.

Who likes that arrangement? I wouldn't call myself a feminist and that's not how my household runs. My DH is in charge of the laundry. Even though he is the head of the household, it does not make him king.

What's the difference in your house between head of the household and king? How do you interact differently that you would if you said your household had equal partners instead of a head?