SIL just sent out the most obnoxious "coming to visit the new family" e-mail

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man, I remember when I was a new mom for the first time, didn't know what I was doing, didn't seem to have any natural instinct for it, and sort of couldn't believe they were letting us take this helpless creature home from the hospital without someone else who knew what they were doing coming along. Then I had trouble breastfeeding, and that was hard emotionally because you can feel like you don't even deserve to be a mother if you can't even make enough or the right kind of milk to sustain your child. And you're not really sleeping.

I am sure that I have read other prime advising new moms to ask for help with food and housework whenever there is a visitor, and even to set limits on who comes and how long they stay. I guess you ladies don't do it (I didn't either, but then again nobody visited me without an explicit invite so it wasn't a problem), but it's not exactly unheard of these days. I don't think this email is that crazy given the advice I have read on other fora. Maybe you ladies think it is rude, but I wonder if you might be a little out of touch.

Finally, when I read this email I am mostly thinking that being a new mom can be hard, and we should all be generous to one another, and not catty bitches who spread venom behind the scenes like the pretty-on-the-outside-but-ugly-on-the-inside-and-dead-behind-the-eyes soulless husks that we watch on TV now. JMHO.

So who stops that new mom from becoming the know-it-all, "we only feed XYZ because it's best", "we don't believe in parenting like 97% of the population and are raising Junior in a more high-minded way" Super Mom. Because that is where the OP's SIL is headed. Promise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's a website advising new moms to asks guests to bring dinner, limit visit time, and assign dad to kick people out. http://sdbfc.com/blog/2011/9/28/5-ways-to-get-rid-of-postpartum-visitors-without-offending-a.html#.VKGvGnAJQ

This website encourages new moms to have a list of household chores that need to be done, like vacuuming and mowing the lawn, at the ready to give out to people who ask what they can do to help out. Sure Ripley are "volunteering" but it's not that far off from this email. Here's a website advising new moms to asks guests to bring dinner, limit visit time, and assign dad to kick people out. http://sdbfc.com/blog/2011/9/28/5-ways-to-get-rid-of-postpartum-visitors-without-offending-a.html#.VKGvGnAJQ

Here's another website where the departing doula put a sign on the mom's front door after the birth asking visitors to keep visits short and help out with household chores like grocery shopping and cleaning up. The mom suggests we all do this for one another and for ourselves if no one does it for us. http://theleakyboob.com/2012/07/help-them-help-you-new-baby-sign-with-ways-for-visitors-to-help/

So the requests in the email are not crazily out of line when you look at Internet advice that's going around these days. Like I said upthread, I have read lots of people advising new moms to ask for help with housework. Reacting offended and surprised here suggests to me that you guys might actually be a little out of touch.

Internet advice from amateur bloggers is unreliable.

+1. Do you know how the internet works? Anyone can post anything, doesn't make it reliable or relatable.

[Anonymous]

I think there is a continuum where the angsty teenager becomes an entitled hand holding coworker becomes a bridezilla becomes a birth plan/ post birth instruction email FTM becomes a helicopter parent becomes a meddling MIL.

[Anonymous]

I'm looking forward to the email from OP's SIL about birthday and Christmas gift rules

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of us who had c-sections and difficulty breastfeeding. I also think it's safe to say that most new moms suffer from exhaustion and incredible emotional mood swings. However, how many people do you that would send out an e-mail like this? Out of the hundreds of moms I know, I can't think of a single one. SIL sounds like a real piece of work! I can't imagine asking anyone- other than someone I hire- to do chores for me. Even if someone asked how they could help, I don't think I'd ask them to do household chores.

OP, I don't pity your SIL, I pity you for having this diva in your life. Hopefully you have sisters (or other SILs) who you can laugh with about this!

Yes, I had c-sections and difficulty bfding. But Op seems really unsympathetic - "Buck up and quit your whining." She sounds sort of like a tough old bird type. Sort of gruff and not very understanding. But maybe there's a history here that we don't know about?

OP here.

I'm assuming people are taking other responses as mine. I've responded four times to this thread. I never once stated that she needs to "buck up and deal". I am sympathetic to her because I've been in that situation. I was planning on doing a lot of what she wanted, but the e-mail turned me off. If she had rules, she should call and tell people one by one. It really does seem entitled, and that's not unlike her at all.

She sent this out to her family and my (her husbands) family. She sent a copy to my grandmother who is pushing 90, what the fuck does she think she can do?

Sorry I thought that you were the one who said that your SIL had an epidural because she was in more pain than normal and that evolved into an emergency c which you know all about because you've had a c and now she is having a hard time bfing...

If that was you, you didn't sound like you were cutting her any slack or feeling any sympathy for her. You seem hung up on her pushy email (and I agree it's pushy) but not too sympathetic with the fact that she's probably feeling very overwhelmed by a birth and a baby that have proven far more difficult than she had envisioned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there is a continuum where the angsty teenager becomes an entitled hand holding coworker becomes a bridezilla becomes a birth plan/ post birth instruction email FTM becomes a helicopter parent becomes a meddling MIL.

I think the progression is: Little princess-zilla, Prom-zilla, Graduation-zilla, Bride-zilla, Birth-zilla, Mommy-zilla, HelicopterMom-zilla, SoccerMom-zilla......you get the picture. (shudder)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of us who had c-sections and difficulty breastfeeding. I also think it's safe to say that most new moms suffer from exhaustion and incredible emotional mood swings. However, how many people do you that would send out an e-mail like this? Out of the hundreds of moms I know, I can't think of a single one. SIL sounds like a real piece of work! I can't imagine asking anyone- other than someone I hire- to do chores for me. Even if someone asked how they could help, I don't think I'd ask them to do household chores.

OP, I don't pity your SIL, I pity you for having this diva in your life. Hopefully you have sisters (or other SILs) who you can laugh with about this!

Yes, I had c-sections and difficulty bfding. But Op seems really unsympathetic - "Buck up and quit your whining." She sounds sort of like a tough old bird type. Sort of gruff and not very understanding. But maybe there's a history here that we don't know about?

OP here.

I'm assuming people are taking other responses as mine. I've responded four times to this thread. I never once stated that she needs to "buck up and deal". I am sympathetic to her because I've been in that situation. I was planning on doing a lot of what she wanted, but the e-mail turned me off. If she had rules, she should call and tell people one by one. It really does seem entitled, and that's not unlike her at all.

She sent this out to her family and my (her husbands) family. She sent a copy to my grandmother who is pushing 90, what the fuck does she think she can do?

What's impressive is that your GM has an email and can use it.

[Anonymous]

Hahaha! That email made me laugh! What craziness.

[Anonymous]

I've seen these request everywhere. I had a mom friend who has shared this on fb during her second pregnancy a few months ago. As a 1st time mom I decided to limit visitors and overnight guests because believe it or not people will invite themselves over and look for you to meet their needs . Becoming a new mom is a life changing experience and this mom should be allowed room to adjust. I would not send out this email but would say no visitors at this time including family . It's a private time for mom, dad and baby. Hubby needs to help out more because newborns usually require something ever two or three hours around the clock. I feel sorry that the mom needed to send this out but she has her reasons and is trying to be accommodating to clueless and self centered adults she knows. It's easier to just say no visitors at this time and that includes grandparents and aunts.
.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've seen these request everywhere. I had a mom friend who has shared this on fb during her second pregnancy a few months ago. As a 1st time mom I decided to limit visitors and overnight guests because believe it or not people will invite themselves over and look for you to meet their needs . Becoming a new mom is a life changing experience and this mom should be allowed room to adjust. I would not send out this email but would say no visitors at this time including family . It's a private time for mom, dad and baby. Hubby needs to help out more because newborns usually require something ever two or three hours around the clock. I feel sorry that the mom needed to send this out but she has her reasons and is trying to be accommodating to clueless and self centered adults she knows. It's easier to just say no visitors at this time and that includes grandparents and aunts.
.

Yea right... to each his own. This email screamed entitled, not clueless. As for the birth of a baby, I don't get that it is a private time. U think it is a whatever the heck time you want it to be. Some people like having visitors. Some people know how to politely tell people to not come if they are sick, to tell others to wash their hands or that the ped is limiting baby holding. Some people realize that millions of women for millions of years have had babies and that they did not invent childbirth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's a website advising new moms to asks guests to bring dinner, limit visit time, and assign dad to kick people out. http://sdbfc.com/blog/2011/9/28/5-ways-to-get-rid-of-postpartum-visitors-without-offending-a.html#.VKGvGnAJQ

This website encourages new moms to have a list of household chores that need to be done, like vacuuming and mowing the lawn, at the ready to give out to people who ask what they can do to help out. Sure Ripley are "volunteering" but it's not that far off from this email. Here's a website advising new moms to asks guests to bring dinner, limit visit time, and assign dad to kick people out. http://sdbfc.com/blog/2011/9/28/5-ways-to-get-rid-of-postpartum-visitors-without-offending-a.html#.VKGvGnAJQ

Here's another website where the departing doula put a sign on the mom's front door after the birth asking visitors to keep visits short and help out with household chores like grocery shopping and cleaning up. The mom suggests we all do this for one another and for ourselves if no one does it for us. http://theleakyboob.com/2012/07/help-them-help-you-new-baby-sign-with-ways-for-visitors-to-help/

So the requests in the email are not crazily out of line when you look at Internet advice that's going around these days. Like I said upthread, I have read lots of people advising new moms to ask for help with housework. Reacting offended and surprised here suggests to me that you guys might actually be a little out of touch.

Gross and tacky.

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me like the new mom is anticipating trouble with one or more relatives and instead of setting boundaries with that person, sent a mass email.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like the new mom is anticipating trouble with one or more relatives and instead of setting boundaries with that person, sent a mass email.

This is my thought as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think the parents asking for help with chores was an honest plea for help and not a rude demand. I think most of us would never ask but would have loved it.

No, it's rude, presumptuous and unbelievably lazy. I would never have welcomed my friends into my home with the expectation of having them scrub my toilets or do my laundry. Ever. Under any circumstances. And I'd feel horrified and humiliated if they took it upon themselves to do these things on my behalf. Being a parent is learning to multitask. And I genuinely don't understand why new parents are incapable of putting dirty clothes in a washing machine - it's not like they're doing any real work in the process.

I had 2 kids, and no help for either of them. I think I got one meal each time. It's not rocket science, folks, have some freezer meals or order take-out or get prepared foods from a grocery store. Having a new baby was hard both times, but honestly it was the baby part - not the laundry or the cooking.

I wouldn't ask but I will always remember the friends that showed up and just did something, anything for me. My house was in pretty good shape at one point, and my friend wouldn't leave without doing something. She emptied the dishwasher. I always go in and take care of dishes or whatever I can do when visiting a new mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think the parents asking for help with chores was an honest plea for help and not a rude demand. I think most of us would never ask but would have loved it.

No, it's rude, presumptuous and unbelievably lazy. I would never have welcomed my friends into my home with the expectation of having them scrub my toilets or do my laundry. Ever. Under any circumstances. And I'd feel horrified and humiliated if they took it upon themselves to do these things on my behalf. Being a parent is learning to multitask. And I genuinely don't understand why new parents are incapable of putting dirty clothes in a washing machine - it's not like they're doing any real work in the process.

I had 2 kids, and no help for either of them. I think I got one meal each time. It's not rocket science, folks, have some freezer meals or order take-out or get prepared foods from a grocery store. Having a new baby was hard both times, but honestly it was the baby part - not the laundry or the cooking.

I wouldn't ask but I will always remember the friends that showed up and just did something, anything for me. My house was in pretty good shape at one point, and my friend wouldn't leave without doing something. She emptied the dishwasher. I always go in and take care of dishes or whatever I can do when visiting a new mom.

+1
Head smacking on keyboard.
Of course, I am ancient, but as a mother of HS, MS and ES school kids, I vividly remember feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, sore, you name it, after my first kid was born. I also remember the unbelievable kindness and generosity of friends and family. Crazy generous. Countless people dropped off meals, flowers, movies for me to watch, threw in a load of laundry, picked up some groceries, and yes, held the baby so I could in a get nap or shower. They probably vacuumed for me too (my housekeeping memories from that time are a bit vague). They did the same when I had kid two and again with kid three. I never remember asking for anything, or putting limitations on anything. I do remember plopping out a bottle of hand sanitizer, but most folks were savvy enough to wash their hands before holding the baby. I had velcro babies, so while I loved wearing them, I also loved the break. And enjoyed sharing them. Who doesn't love watching someone admire your new baby. I can't imagine sending out a mass request for ANYTHING, much less setting rules on how to help. I'm pretty sure that if someone overstayed their welcome, I would just say I'm tired and hope they could come back again soon, or something like that. Being a new parent is an adjustment like no other, but she is foolishly chasing her support system away. And as all parents know, you need your people! And you'll need to be there for when your friend has her first (or second or third) baby. Or gets ill and needs backup. Or a kid gets sick and she needs someone to watch the other kids while she runs them to the docs.
She'll be lucky to get a frozen lasagna. Or any kind of help. I bet she doesn't even write thank you notes. I feel sorry for her and her new family.