SIL just sent out the most obnoxious "coming to visit the new family" e-mail

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the email is a bit much. That said, I think there is a widespread (and unreasonable) expectation that new moms will be up and at em in no time, barring anything life-threatening.

This thread shows how little compassion we have for ourselves and others. Women really do need - and deserve - time to heal, rest, recover, bond with their baby, get the hang of feeding etc. The problem is not her email, the problem is that OP (and others) approach the situation from a perspective of "suck it up" rather than "how can I help?"

Selfish, short-sighted, nasty behavior reigns again.

Uh, no. I do not expect new mothers to be up and at-em in no time. I am delighted to help in any way. However, I don't expect to get a pre-emptive email that says 1) I can't bring well children over to see the new baby (all of my kids know only to touch a baby on the foot and only if specifically allowed) 2) I can't hold the baby at all, even if healthy 3) I am expected to run the vacuum cleaner or do some dishes 4) I am expressly forbidden from bringing over some homemade cookies or a bottle of champagne.

You see, this person is making their home completely unwelcoming in every way, which means that even close family and friends are going to stay far, far away. Which means that mom and dad really won't get a break or some much-needed interaction with well-meaning and loving family.

I get it, it's hard, the parents are nervous, etc, etc. But you can go completely off the deep end trying to control everything and wind up completely alone. I'd send a gift and stay completely the hell away from these crazy new parents. What's going to suck later is that she's going to complain bitterly about how nobody helped her.

perfect don't visit. i'd rather not have visitors. leave my family alone and don't bring your kids over n touch my new born's feet. don't touch my new born.

Gladly! Have a nice life in splendid isolation! Please post back here in a couple months and let us know how it's going!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found those examples with five minutes of googling, and I'm sure I could have found stuff almost word for word off the email if I had looked longer or had better Google fu. I'm saying this sort of advice is NORMAL now, new mothers hear it all the time. I heard it myself five years ago when I read mommy blogs. I didn't take it, but I read it frequently. Your standards may not be changing, but other people's are, and it seems weird to point and laugh at this one mom when it is not really that uncommon, like seeing someone in a fedora.

Yeah, well, DCUM is uptight, neurotic, modern parenting CENTRAL, and if most DCUM-ers think this email and the restrictions it contains are completely over the top, then they are.

I agree that the internet has been a nightmare for intense, anxious parents who are more likely to parent from a place of fear than previous generations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found those examples with five minutes of googling, and I'm sure I could have found stuff almost word for word off the email if I had looked longer or had better Google fu. I'm saying this sort of advice is NORMAL now, new mothers hear it all the time. I heard it myself five years ago when I read mommy blogs. I didn't take it, but I read it frequently. Your standards may not be changing, but other people's are, and it seems weird to point and laugh at this one mom when it is not really that uncommon, like seeing someone in a fedora.

Yeah, well, DCUM is uptight, neurotic, modern parenting CENTRAL, and if most DCUM-ers think this email and the restrictions it contains are completely over the top, then they are.

I agree that the internet has been a nightmare for intense, anxious parents who are more likely to parent from a place of fear than previous generations.

Yeah, you're right that DCUM usually sort of has its finger on the pulse of parenting trends -- moreso than me. I'm really confused about why this is not something you have heard of before. Surely others here have heard of this and are just keeping quiet? Seriously I had my baby five years ago and was hearing about housework requests of visitors then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found those examples with five minutes of googling, and I'm sure I could have found stuff almost word for word off the email if I had looked longer or had better Google fu. I'm saying this sort of advice is NORMAL now, new mothers hear it all the time. I heard it myself five years ago when I read mommy blogs. I didn't take it, but I read it frequently. Your standards may not be changing, but other people's are, and it seems weird to point and laugh at this one mom when it is not really that uncommon, like seeing someone in a fedora.

Yeah, well, DCUM is uptight, neurotic, modern parenting CENTRAL, and if most DCUM-ers think this email and the restrictions it contains are completely over the top, then they are.

I agree that the internet has been a nightmare for intense, anxious parents who are more likely to parent from a place of fear than previous generations.

Yeah, you're right that DCUM usually sort of has its finger on the pulse of parenting trends -- moreso than me. I'm really confused about why this is not something you have heard of before. Surely others here have heard of this and are just keeping quiet? Seriously I had my baby five years ago and was hearing about housework requests of visitors then.

Maybe the folks who request these services from people know who NOT to send those chore lists to because, while I've gotten plenty of birth announcements, I've never once gotten a chore request. And if I had I would have been shocked and politely ignored it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found those examples with five minutes of googling, and I'm sure I could have found stuff almost word for word off the email if I had looked longer or had better Google fu. I'm saying this sort of advice is NORMAL now, new mothers hear it all the time. I heard it myself five years ago when I read mommy blogs. I didn't take it, but I read it frequently. Your standards may not be changing, but other people's are, and it seems weird to point and laugh at this one mom when it is not really that uncommon, like seeing someone in a fedora.

Yeah, well, DCUM is uptight, neurotic, modern parenting CENTRAL, and if most DCUM-ers think this email and the restrictions it contains are completely over the top, then they are.

I agree that the internet has been a nightmare for intense, anxious parents who are more likely to parent from a place of fear than previous generations.

Yeah, you're right that DCUM usually sort of has its finger on the pulse of parenting trends -- moreso than me. I'm really confused about why this is not something you have heard of before. Surely others here have heard of this and are just keeping quiet? Seriously I had my baby five years ago and was hearing about housework requests of visitors then.

Maybe the folks who request these services from people know who NOT to send those chore lists to because, while I've gotten plenty of birth announcements, I've never once gotten a chore request. And if I had I would have been shocked and politely ignored it.

Yes, this. Also there is a huge difference between asking for help from visitors and sending out an email with this crazy list of demands. Do you really not see the difference? FWIW, I also had a baby 5 years ago and was happy for my visitors to hold and love up on my healthy newborn. I never had anyone stay beyond their welcome, and I was so grateful for the company and also for the advice and support of BTDT parents. I felt like we were joining a wonderful and amazing club when we became parents. The email from the SIL seems so sad to me, like they view everyone and everything as a threat instead of trying to relax and enjoy this new time in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's a website advising new moms to asks guests to bring dinner, limit visit time, and assign dad to kick people out. http://sdbfc.com/blog/2011/9/28/5-ways-to-get-rid-of-postpartum-visitors-without-offending-a.html#.VKGvGnAJQ

This website encourages new moms to have a list of household chores that need to be done, like vacuuming and mowing the lawn, at the ready to give out to people who ask what they can do to help out. Sure Ripley are "volunteering" but it's not that far off from this email. Here's a website advising new moms to asks guests to bring dinner, limit visit time, and assign dad to kick people out. http://sdbfc.com/blog/2011/9/28/5-ways-to-get-rid-of-postpartum-visitors-without-offending-a.html#.VKGvGnAJQ

Here's another website where the departing doula put a sign on the mom's front door after the birth asking visitors to keep visits short and help out with household chores like grocery shopping and cleaning up. The mom suggests we all do this for one another and for ourselves if no one does it for us. http://theleakyboob.com/2012/07/help-them-help-you-new-baby-sign-with-ways-for-visitors-to-help/

So the requests in the email are not crazily out of line when you look at Internet advice that's going around these days. Like I said upthread, I have read lots of people advising new moms to ask for help with housework. Reacting offended and surprised here suggests to me that you guys might actually be a little out of touch.

Internet advice from amateur bloggers is unreliable.

[Anonymous]

There is a difference between a kind, heartfelt request for assistance, or a cry for help and a demand list. I've seen celebrity riders with fewer demands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found those examples with five minutes of googling, and I'm sure I could have found stuff almost word for word off the email if I had looked longer or had better Google fu. I'm saying this sort of advice is NORMAL now, new mothers hear it all the time. I heard it myself five years ago when I read mommy blogs. I didn't take it, but I read it frequently. Your standards may not be changing, but other people's are, and it seems weird to point and laugh at this one mom when it is not really that uncommon, like seeing someone in a fedora.

Yeah, well, DCUM is uptight, neurotic, modern parenting CENTRAL, and if most DCUM-ers think this email and the restrictions it contains are completely over the top, then they are.

I agree that the internet has been a nightmare for intense, anxious parents who are more likely to parent from a place of fear than previous generations.

Yeah, you're right that DCUM usually sort of has its finger on the pulse of parenting trends -- moreso than me. I'm really confused about why this is not something you have heard of before. Surely others here have heard of this and are just keeping quiet? Seriously I had my baby five years ago and was hearing about housework requests of visitors then.

Seriously? What planet do you live on where this is the norm? I have had 2 kids and have never been given this advice, nor have I seen anyone else follow it. FFS, my cancer-stricken mother would have thrown herself off a bridge before demanding that well-wishers do her laundry. I can't believe that anyone thinks this is reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found those examples with five minutes of googling, and I'm sure I could have found stuff almost word for word off the email if I had looked longer or had better Google fu. I'm saying this sort of advice is NORMAL now, new mothers hear it all the time. I heard it myself five years ago when I read mommy blogs. I didn't take it, but I read it frequently. Your standards may not be changing, but other people's are, and it seems weird to point and laugh at this one mom when it is not really that uncommon, like seeing someone in a fedora.

Yeah, well, DCUM is uptight, neurotic, modern parenting CENTRAL, and if most DCUM-ers think this email and the restrictions it contains are completely over the top, then they are.

I agree that the internet has been a nightmare for intense, anxious parents who are more likely to parent from a place of fear than previous generations.

Yeah, you're right that DCUM usually sort of has its finger on the pulse of parenting trends -- moreso than me. I'm really confused about why this is not something you have heard of before. Surely others here have heard of this and are just keeping quiet? Seriously I had my baby five years ago and was hearing about housework requests of visitors then.

Maybe it's a generational thing, because I had my first child six years ago and we didn't send a long rider of requests. And we either cleaned less or hired help...not asked our friends to do laundry. My close neighbor came over and cleaned our kitchen twice, but I would NEVER have asked her to do so, nor posted any of my "expectations" on FBook.

The tone and content of the email seems disrespectful to me. Bringing food to a new family is an act of kindness-- something that new parents accept gratefully, not demand with attached limitations. OP's family is sending out requests for certain foods and certain chores to be done. It sounds very egocentric and spoiled, but I am not a Millennial so perhaps the tide is turning and the birth of a child is now a legit ticket for a la carte service requests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like perhaps she knows she's in a family of assholes (people who, you know, would post her private communications on the internet for people to ridicule) and it's setting firm boundaries from the beginning. Can't say I blame her.

+1

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me like she copied a list from somewhere. She thought she was doing all the right things but it came out wrong. For one thing she sounds like a celebrity with thousands of fans. Don't all come at once ! But maybe she didn'tean it quite like that. Also no one has a "right" to hold your baby. Especially not a winter baby Just no.

[Anonymous]

I have no doubt this is real because my own SIL said I could only meet the baby at a "Sip and See" once it's 2-3 months old. Did I mention I live 4000 miles away? So yeah I'm going to buy a flight when you want me to
Come to your stupid party instead of coming when flights suit my wallet and schedule? Yeah no. I'm waiting until summer when I'm going home anyways to see my parents, eff the sip and see. My own mom isn't even allowed over!!!

[Anonymous]

I agree with the poster above who says set limits. I had major surgery once. People came over. Didn't know what to do and I ended up cooking for them. So exhausting. They were good people but the just stood around. So I kind of get where this mom is coming from. She is just not very diplomatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of us who had c-sections and difficulty breastfeeding. I also think it's safe to say that most new moms suffer from exhaustion and incredible emotional mood swings. However, how many people do you that would send out an e-mail like this? Out of the hundreds of moms I know, I can't think of a single one. SIL sounds like a real piece of work! I can't imagine asking anyone- other than someone I hire- to do chores for me. Even if someone asked how they could help, I don't think I'd ask them to do household chores.

OP, I don't pity your SIL, I pity you for having this diva in your life. Hopefully you have sisters (or other SILs) who you can laugh with about this!

Yes, I had c-sections and difficulty bfding. But Op seems really unsympathetic - "Buck up and quit your whining." She sounds sort of like a tough old bird type. Sort of gruff and not very understanding. But maybe there's a history here that we don't know about?

OP here.

I'm assuming people are taking other responses as mine. I've responded four times to this thread. I never once stated that she needs to "buck up and deal". I am sympathetic to her because I've been in that situation. I was planning on doing a lot of what she wanted, but the e-mail turned me off. If she had rules, she should call and tell people one by one. It really does seem entitled, and that's not unlike her at all.

She sent this out to her family and my (her husbands) family. She sent a copy to my grandmother who is pushing 90, what the fuck does she think she can do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope this woman isn't planning on having a SECOND child. She doesn't want anyone under the age of 18 near the baby and can't manage to keep up with basic household stuff with just one child--what does she think is going to happen if she has another one?

I don't buy that this woman just had a baby and lost all sense of perspective, I'm sure she was like this before and this email is just the latest manifestation of her narcissism, which is why OP finds it so funny.

OP here, and you are correct.

A similar situation happened during her bridal shower and their wedding. Both were a nightmare, she has severe control issues paired with entitlement plus what I like to call a google degree. She thinks the ability to google information gives her a doctorates.

She isn't mean, just terribly obnoxious and hard to deal with. I'm obviously no Georgia Peach either.