SIL just sent out the most obnoxious "coming to visit the new family" e-mail

[Anonymous]

I think you should go with the desire to be of help. I would never think to go visit without offering to bring lunch. As a matter of fact I always bring diapers or a gift. I had a friend from my home town who lived here in the dmv area two years ago who gave birth to twins. Not only did I bring her lunch but when I got there attempted to finish sweeping the floor and assisted in folding clothes. I would not want to intrude and not help in some way. I'also understand that lots of people wants to pop in and see the new baby and recognize sometimes people may just need their space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to split hairs, but you misrepresented it a little bit. In your first post, you say they requested a dish. In the actual email, they asked not to bring a dish unless you talked to them first because they don't really need more.

I agree. I think the SIL who posted this should be ashamed of posting this publicly. This new mom is actually having problems breastfeeding, her hormones are all over the place, and really, she's trying to protect herself. I can see writing this, but instead I was a "no visitors" mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her email is totally over the top but give her a break. It sounds like she has postpartum anxiety, which is a disease. Try to be kind and let her think she can control the things she can when her whole world feels completely out of control - it's probably the only thing helping her through this tough transition.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh I would love to read this and I am one who followed ped's instructons not to take baby in public for 2 months.

Are you effing kidding me? My kids had probably 4 Dr appointments in the first two months! Your ped is a moron

I'm not the poster you are referring to but had the same instructions. The ped is not a moron. You may or may not be a moron but you are ignorant.

I had premature twins and got the same advice. Our twins came home during cold/flu/rsv season after lengthy nicu stays. We were told to keep them away from sick people, children and not to take the babies out in public including to malls etc for several months. Our children did go to peds/specialists appointments often twice a week. The fear is rsv. It can be deadly to infants particularly premature infants. It isn't moronic to not take baby out in public. Any nurse in a picu can tell you about rsv. Our children had many appointments with specialists after they came home from the nicu and the staff at the various offices always ushered us into a separate area to keep our children away from the people in the waiting room.

It's so great to hear from all the parents who mock the parents who know better. There was another poster on this site who was being bashed because she seemed reluctant to take her 3 week old with a fever to the emergency room. The infant had gotten the flu from a sick visitor. Standard procedure for an infant with a fever over 100.3 is an emergency room visit, a blood draw, and a spinal tap.

I think the list of requirements is reasonable. No sick adults, current on vaccines, no children and wash your hands. I also would only let a few immediate family members hold my children. I think the parents asking for help with chores was an honest plea for help and not a rude demand. I think most of us would never ask but would have loved it.

My child ended up in the hospital at just 5 weeks old and I roomed in. It was horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like perhaps she knows she's in a family of assholes (people who, you know, would post her private communications on the internet for people to ridicule) and it's setting firm boundaries from the beginning. Can't say I blame her.

+1 million

[Anonymous]

I'm an experienced parent and had a baby a few months ago. I do agree with keeping baby from germs-I've really kept this one in, much more so than with my (considerably) older kids when they were babies. So I get that.

I do think the OPs SIL's email was way over the top-not so much the basic gist of it (they want to limit visitors, need some help with the house and have dietary restrictions)...moreso how SIL presented it. She came off as very entitled and presumptious. If I had gotten that email, I'd probably feel as though I really didn't need to see her snowflake self so much...

I guess for me, I simply didn't encourage visitors, I accepted whatever househelp was offered, and I welcomed meals-if it's not something you can or will eat, just get rid of it. I didnt find it necessary to send a long, presumptious email.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her email is totally over the top but give her a break. It sounds like she has postpartum anxiety, which is a disease. Try to be kind and let her think she can control the things she can when her whole world feels completely out of control - it's probably the only thing helping her through this tough transition.

I agree. She messed up and wrote a really stupid email but she's clearly struggling. Go over. Bring a nice pre-packaged snack that meets her requirements. Bring a nice present for the baby if you want. Tell her that her baby is beautiful and she'll make it through. Leave in 30 minutes. Pat yourself on the back for being a good person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SIL and my brother had a baby on Friday.

They just sent out a mass e-mail telling everyone the do's and don'ts of visiting. It's fucking obnoxious.

Essentially we can't hold the baby...which is annoying but I get it. Flu season, germs...I get it. However, her stipulations are bullshit. No one is going to come. We have to reserves times and it's 'requested' we bring a dish and when we do arrive we can chat with mom and look at the baby but that they need someone to get chores done so they can "bond".


Yeah, no one wants to come to your house to clean. They don't want to see you, they want to see your baby. I had three children and knew no one really gave a shit about seeing me, they wanted to hold my baby.

This will be fun.

I was anal with my first child, the typical sanitizer mom that offered it to all my guests. Thank goodness all the visitors, family and friends, were gracious about it. Two more kids later and I couldn't care less about purell, heck, you want to hold my baby, go ahead, I'm running around after the other two so anything is helpful LOL. I would like to go back in time and tell my first mom self to take a chill pill. Don't be too tough on your SIL, she probably doesn't know any better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They could have dusted and vacuumed the whole place in the time it too to type that email! I would not respond nor visit. My schedule doesn't allow me to book that much in advance and I need to be doing my own housework - not hers!

+1

[Anonymous]

I would pay your SIL a vist but before doing so I'd load up on egg whites, kidney beans and pinto beans and when there I'd drop a huge turd in their bathroom leaving behind a big gas cloud for her to inhale and freak out over.

[Anonymous]

I once had a new dad tell DH and I that he wouldn't welcome anyone into his home unless they provided "food or function" - that is, either a meal or an offer to clean/mow/grocery shop/etc. I thought it was weird and rude then, and now that I've my kids myself, I still feel that way. I've never expected people to show up at my house and do my chores (though I'm always grateful for food!). Some people get very self-absorbed when they have a new baby and think it entitles them to weeks of servitude from friends and family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I once had a new dad tell DH and I that he wouldn't welcome anyone into his home unless they provided "food or function" - that is, either a meal or an offer to clean/mow/grocery shop/etc. I thought it was weird and rude then, and now that I've my kids myself, I still feel that way. I've never expected people to show up at my house and do my chores (though I'm always grateful for food!). Some people get very self-absorbed when they have a new baby and think it entitles them to weeks of servitude from friends and family.

Good for that new dad for stepping up!

OP, not everything is about you. Either go or don't go.

Yikes, this reminds me of how rude my MIL was when we had babies. Awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I once had a new dad tell DH and I that he wouldn't welcome anyone into his home unless they provided "food or function" - that is, either a meal or an offer to clean/mow/grocery shop/etc. I thought it was weird and rude then, and now that I've my kids myself, I still feel that way. I've never expected people to show up at my house and do my chores (though I'm always grateful for food!). Some people get very self-absorbed when they have a new baby and think it entitles them to weeks of servitude from friends and family.

Good for that new dad for stepping up!

OP, not everything is about you. Either go or don't go.

Yikes, this reminds me of how rude my MIL was when we had babies. Awful.

Stepping up? Seriously? Stepping up doesn't mean being rude to your friends and family by demanding that they to only show up "for food or function". I have kids too, and I think it's incredibly rude. And yes, I was very grateful for the help and food we received - but we never demanded or even asked. OP - do yourself a favor and don't go. Or just drop an acceptable meal and don't stay more than 10 seconds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I'm an experienced parent and had a baby a few months ago. I do agree with keeping baby from germs-I've really kept this one in, much more so than with my (considerably) older kids when they were babies. So I get that.

I do think the OPs SIL's email was way over the top-not so much the basic gist of it (they want to limit visitors, need some help with the house and have dietary restrictions)...moreso how SIL presented it. She came off as very entitled and presumptious. If I had gotten that email, I'd probably feel as though I really didn't need to see her snowflake self so much...

I guess for me, I simply didn't encourage visitors, I accepted whatever househelp was offered, and I welcomed meals-if it's not something you can or will eat, just get rid of it. I didnt find it necessary to send a long, presumptious email.

Same here. Especially during this flu and cold season. It's nuts with sick days at the office, playgroups and classes/school. I wouldn't dare go visit a child under age two who has no immune system nor shots. Only if I were in tip top shape and really cared to see the new mom, dad and child.

[Anonymous]

12:39 - PP here. This is exactly my point. If you are going to go with an attitude, or try to compare that you have it so bad, whatever - don't bother. Go only if you are able to be peaceful, kind, selfless and helpful. I think it is really hard for some people to do.

I don't completely agree with how SIL asked, but I get it. Especially if you have given birth, then you should get it, too.