SIL just sent out the most obnoxious "coming to visit the new family" e-mail

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've seen these request everywhere. I had a mom friend who has shared this on fb during her second pregnancy a few months ago. As a 1st time mom I decided to limit visitors and overnight guests because believe it or not people will invite themselves over and look for you to meet their needs . Becoming a new mom is a life changing experience and this mom should be allowed room to adjust. I would not send out this email but would say no visitors at this time including family . It's a private time for mom, dad and baby. Hubby needs to help out more because newborns usually require something ever two or three hours around the clock. I feel sorry that the mom needed to send this out but she has her reasons and is trying to be accommodating to clueless and self centered adults she knows. It's easier to just say no visitors at this time and that includes grandparents and aunts.
.

I have to agree with this. So, SIL doesn't really know tact. It is her first time as a mom. Can anyone fault her for wanting what is best for her?

I think those that argue are the ones who were barged in on by relatives; like MIL who had sucky birth experiences. Not everyone is okay with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there is a continuum where the angsty teenager becomes an entitled hand holding coworker becomes a bridezilla becomes a birth plan/ post birth instruction email FTM becomes a helicopter parent becomes a meddling MIL.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen these request everywhere. I had a mom friend who has shared this on fb during her second pregnancy a few months ago. As a 1st time mom I decided to limit visitors and overnight guests because believe it or not people will invite themselves over and look for you to meet their needs . Becoming a new mom is a life changing experience and this mom should be allowed room to adjust. I would not send out this email but would say no visitors at this time including family . It's a private time for mom, dad and baby. Hubby needs to help out more because newborns usually require something ever two or three hours around the clock. I feel sorry that the mom needed to send this out but she has her reasons and is trying to be accommodating to clueless and self centered adults she knows. It's easier to just say no visitors at this time and that includes grandparents and aunts.
.

I have to agree with this. So, SIL doesn't really know tact. It is her first time as a mom. Can anyone fault her for wanting what is best for her?

I think those that argue are the ones who were barged in on by relatives; like MIL who had sucky birth experiences. Not everyone is okay with that.

On the second point - agreed. Time for DH to buffer.
On the first point - she's burning bridges before they are built. She'll regret it in the end and wonder why she is so burnt out and has no one to call when she needs a break, or a hand. Boundaries are healthy, unreasonable requests and rudeness are not. I would never under any circumstances make the sort of demands that she is making. Nor do I have any friends who would do this. People will get the hint and simply stay away. PIA mommy in the making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh I would love to read this and I am one who followed ped's instructons not to take baby in public for 2 months.

You have a very ignorant ped.

Not if the baby was premature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh I would love to read this and I am one who followed ped's instructons not to take baby in public for 2 months.

You have a very ignorant ped.

My daughter was born in 2009 at the height of H1N1 when you were not even allowed visitors at the hospital. They specifically said it was not their usual advice. It was hard but my baby did not get sick and I am not sure I could have lived with the guilt that she had because I wanted to go walk around Target.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh I would love to read this and I am one who followed ped's instructons not to take baby in public for 2 months.

You have a very ignorant ped.

My daughter was born in 2009 at the height of H1N1 when you were not even allowed visitors at the hospital. They specifically said it was not their usual advice. It was hard but my baby did not get sick and I am not sure I could have lived with the guilt that she had because I wanted to go walk around Target.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen these request everywhere. I had a mom friend who has shared this on fb during her second pregnancy a few months ago. As a 1st time mom I decided to limit visitors and overnight guests because believe it or not people will invite themselves over and look for you to meet their needs . Becoming a new mom is a life changing experience and this mom should be allowed room to adjust. I would not send out this email but would say no visitors at this time including family . It's a private time for mom, dad and baby. Hubby needs to help out more because newborns usually require something ever two or three hours around the clock. I feel sorry that the mom needed to send this out but she has her reasons and is trying to be accommodating to clueless and self centered adults she knows. It's easier to just say no visitors at this time and that includes grandparents and aunts.
.

I have to agree with this. So, SIL doesn't really know tact. It is her first time as a mom. Can anyone fault her for wanting what is best for her?

I think those that argue are the ones who were barged in on by relatives; like MIL who had sucky birth experiences. Not everyone is okay with that.

On the second point - agreed. Time for DH to buffer.
On the first point - she's burning bridges before they are built. She'll regret it in the end and wonder why she is so burnt out and has no one to call when she needs a break, or a hand. Boundaries are healthy, unreasonable requests and rudeness are not. I would never under any circumstances make the sort of demands that she is making. Nor do I have any friends who would do this. People will get the hint and simply stay away. PIA mommy in the making.

"She'll regret it in the end" is not only true of protective moms - it is true of many people. For example, what about the meddling MIL who insists she is not a meddling MIL?

Boundaries to some people are only offensive if they pertain to them. Some people don't like to be told no, pure and simple.

When we had a wedding or birth or whatever, we learned VERY quickly who was looking out for the themselves, and who was looking out for the greater good. They were not fooling anyone. To this day, I remember who was actually helpful and who was a self centered PITA. Guess what? Same old, same old holds true with some people. Predictable as ever.

Maybe the new mom didn't word it to your liking, but she has a point. If she is not so gracious, maybe you should be a better example.

[Anonymous]

Wow, am I the only who was grateful for my MIL coming not once, but TWICE, to help out after the baby was born?

I had the house professionally cleaned before she arrived so that our focus could be on taking care of the baby.

Just being able to hand the baby off to her while I went to get a shower or even go to the store to get my pain med prescription was a tremendous help. Her being there that first week allowed my husband to work most of the week after the baby was born and, as a result, he was able to be home the 2nd week which was so necessary.

I would not be pushy about helping a new mom and I would take the hint and leave if necessary. But I also would not assume that all new moms and dads don't want help. Many do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen these request everywhere. I had a mom friend who has shared this on fb during her second pregnancy a few months ago. As a 1st time mom I decided to limit visitors and overnight guests because believe it or not people will invite themselves over and look for you to meet their needs . Becoming a new mom is a life changing experience and this mom should be allowed room to adjust. I would not send out this email but would say no visitors at this time including family . It's a private time for mom, dad and baby. Hubby needs to help out more because newborns usually require something ever two or three hours around the clock. I feel sorry that the mom needed to send this out but she has her reasons and is trying to be accommodating to clueless and self centered adults she knows. It's easier to just say no visitors at this time and that includes grandparents and aunts.
.

I have to agree with this. So, SIL doesn't really know tact. It is her first time as a mom. Can anyone fault her for wanting what is best for her?

I think those that argue are the ones who were barged in on by relatives; like MIL who had sucky birth experiences. Not everyone is okay with that.

On the second point - agreed. Time for DH to buffer.
On the first point - she's burning bridges before they are built. She'll regret it in the end and wonder why she is so burnt out and has no one to call when she needs a break, or a hand. Boundaries are healthy, unreasonable requests and rudeness are not. I would never under any circumstances make the sort of demands that she is making. Nor do I have any friends who would do this. People will get the hint and simply stay away. PIA mommy in the making.

"She'll regret it in the end" is not only true of protective moms - it is true of many people. For example, what about the meddling MIL who insists she is not a meddling MIL?

Boundaries to some people are only offensive if they pertain to them. Some people don't like to be told no, pure and simple.

When we had a wedding or birth or whatever, we learned VERY quickly who was looking out for the themselves, and who was looking out for the greater good. They were not fooling anyone. To this day, I remember who was actually helpful and who was a self centered PITA. Guess what? Same old, same old holds true with some people. Predictable as ever.

Maybe the new mom didn't word it to your liking, but she has a point. If she is not so gracious, maybe you should be a better example.

PP - how was I not gracious? The new mom is making a very clear point. To be gracious is to be thankful for the help you receive, and set boundaries that feel right to you. Apparently her boundaries include requests for specific types of housework help, acceptable food, no baby holding. That's fine - not particularly gracious - but fine - and people will hopefully respect their very strict boundaries. But they will end up in a bubble without a support system. I guess I'm lucky that I never ran into people who don't like to be told no, or maybe I just didn't say no to help when it was offered. In the end, it's their baby, their call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there is a continuum where the angsty teenager becomes an entitled hand holding coworker becomes a bridezilla becomes a birth plan/ post birth instruction email FTM becomes a helicopter parent becomes a meddling MIL.

+1

So true!! Best post yet on DCUM!!

[Anonymous]

"Dear SIL -- Thanks for the note. I hope, overwhelmed though you may be (it's tough!), that you are also enjoying these early days with Larla. We're happy to give you some space until you get your sea legs (mom legs?). Love, SIL with better things to do that gratify your demanding self."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen these request everywhere. I had a mom friend who has shared this on fb during her second pregnancy a few months ago. As a 1st time mom I decided to limit visitors and overnight guests because believe it or not people will invite themselves over and look for you to meet their needs . Becoming a new mom is a life changing experience and this mom should be allowed room to adjust. I would not send out this email but would say no visitors at this time including family . It's a private time for mom, dad and baby. Hubby needs to help out more because newborns usually require something ever two or three hours around the clock. I feel sorry that the mom needed to send this out but she has her reasons and is trying to be accommodating to clueless and self centered adults she knows. It's easier to just say no visitors at this time and that includes grandparents and aunts.
.

I have to agree with this. So, SIL doesn't really know tact. It is her first time as a mom. Can anyone fault her for wanting what is best for her?

I think those that argue are the ones who were barged in on by relatives; like MIL who had sucky birth experiences. Not everyone is okay with that.

On the second point - agreed. Time for DH to buffer.
On the first point - she's burning bridges before they are built. She'll regret it in the end and wonder why she is so burnt out and has no one to call when she needs a break, or a hand. Boundaries are healthy, unreasonable requests and rudeness are not. I would never under any circumstances make the sort of demands that she is making. Nor do I have any friends who would do this. People will get the hint and simply stay away. PIA mommy in the making.

You're probably right that she will burn some bridges, but maybe those are bridges that needed to be burned, with selfish, judgmental people who really aren't adding much that is positive to her life. If your BFF, who is normally a really cool person you enjoy, sent out this email, would you end the friendship over it, or would you cut her some slack and assume she's feeling a bit overwhelmed and anxious about being a first-time mom? The kind and compassionate people (i.e., the people she will want to keep close to her) will do the latter, even if they think she's being silly, because that's kindness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen these request everywhere. I had a mom friend who has shared this on fb during her second pregnancy a few months ago. As a 1st time mom I decided to limit visitors and overnight guests because believe it or not people will invite themselves over and look for you to meet their needs . Becoming a new mom is a life changing experience and this mom should be allowed room to adjust. I would not send out this email but would say no visitors at this time including family . It's a private time for mom, dad and baby. Hubby needs to help out more because newborns usually require something ever two or three hours around the clock. I feel sorry that the mom needed to send this out but she has her reasons and is trying to be accommodating to clueless and self centered adults she knows. It's easier to just say no visitors at this time and that includes grandparents and aunts.
.

I have to agree with this. So, SIL doesn't really know tact. It is her first time as a mom. Can anyone fault her for wanting what is best for her?

I think those that argue are the ones who were barged in on by relatives; like MIL who had sucky birth experiences. Not everyone is okay with that.

On the second point - agreed. Time for DH to buffer.
On the first point - she's burning bridges before they are built. She'll regret it in the end and wonder why she is so burnt out and has no one to call when she needs a break, or a hand. Boundaries are healthy, unreasonable requests and rudeness are not. I would never under any circumstances make the sort of demands that she is making. Nor do I have any friends who would do this. People will get the hint and simply stay away. PIA mommy in the making.

You're probably right that she will burn some bridges, but maybe those are bridges that needed to be burned, with selfish, judgmental people who really aren't adding much that is positive to her life. If your BFF, who is normally a really cool person you enjoy, sent out this email, would you end the friendship over it, or would you cut her some slack and assume she's feeling a bit overwhelmed and anxious about being a first-time mom? The kind and compassionate people (i.e., the people she will want to keep close to her) will do the latter, even if they think she's being silly, because that's kindness.

I hope for her sake you are right. It wouldn't be a friendship-breaker for me, but then again I don't know anyone who would send out an email like this. Thank goodness. I can only imagine what she was like when she was getting married. She sounds like an exhausting person to be around. (yeah, I'm judging) Oh, and people who are selfish and judgmental generally aren't the first in line to help their "friends". True friends who make up a support system are usually a self-selecting bunch.

[Anonymous]

I would take it as an invitation to visit with and attempt to lay down some ground rules/expectations in advance.

If the terms made me feel awkward/uncomfortable, I would wait to visit. If I felt that I could be of help I would go, take a peek at the baby, maybe run the vacuum or pop a load of laundry in and leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh I would love to read this and I am one who followed ped's instructons not to take baby in public for 2 months.

You have a very ignorant ped.

My daughter was born in 2009 at the height of H1N1 when you were not even allowed visitors at the hospital. They specifically said it was not their usual advice. It was hard but my baby did not get sick and I am not sure I could have lived with the guilt that she had because I wanted to go walk around Target.

Why would you let everyone in Target touch your baby? You put baby in a sling and wash your hands frequently. Dont be paranoid.