Postcard as a wedding thank-you -- is this the new norm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If there are any young women reading this thread, I hope you take this conversation as a cautionary tale about whom it is worth trying to please in this life.

You can do your best to follow every tacit social rule. You can twist yourself into a pretzel trying to make sure you always, only do things the "proper" way. And even then, you will always be just a mistake away from someone's sneering judgement and gossip.

Meanwhile nearly everything you do to please people like OP, and the PPs who talk about "low class" and "in my circle," takes away from the resources and energy to live your most meaningful life.

Your energy is finite. Your time is finite. Do not squander them trying to please some supercilious dowager who is quietly itemizing your every gaffe so she can declare you worthy (or not). She cannot see your real potential (and has likely traded hers for the ability to say "I belong"), so she doesn't care if you fulfill it. You must care.

Be kind. Be respectful. Be good. Be grateful. And also be willing to eschew the kind of coded social expectations that only serve to make you smaller. You are not small.

Thank you. This is amazing advice. From now on I’m going to focus my finite energy on the things that really matter to me, and make up victimhood stories to deflect responsibility for everything else.

The OP was the one who acted like the victim, babe. But you do whatever floats your boat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds fine to me, and ugh, this all reminds me of how awful weddings are as a bride.

At our wedding - which we didn’t even want to have, but was insisted upon by our boomer parents - i remember asking my mother if we could request no gifts.

That is because I would have preferred not to get a gift than to have to deal with the inevitable judgment heaped upon me by my parent’s friends about thank you notes (timing, length, content, penmanship, etc, etc).

My mom’s friends are all former schoolteachers and nurses who were able to retire young and have just sat around for the last 25 years nitpicking and judging each others kids. Every interaction is like a social trap.

Anyhow, I give presents because it makes me feel good to make people happy - it is not a freaking TEST!

In fact, when I give my nieces and nephews presents I tell them part of the gift is that they are not to send us a thank you note. Just enjoy it (or give it away - I don’t care!)

Love this whole post, but I feel the bolded deeply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If there are any young women reading this thread, I hope you take this conversation as a cautionary tale about whom it is worth trying to please in this life.

You can do your best to follow every tacit social rule. You can twist yourself into a pretzel trying to make sure you always, only do things the "proper" way. And even then, you will always be just a mistake away from someone's sneering judgement and gossip.

Meanwhile nearly everything you do to please people like OP, and the PPs who talk about "low class" and "in my circle," takes away from the resources and energy to live your most meaningful life.

Your energy is finite. Your time is finite. Do not squander them trying to please some supercilious dowager who is quietly itemizing your every gaffe so she can declare you worthy (or not). She cannot see your real potential (and has likely traded hers for the ability to say "I belong"), so she doesn't care if you fulfill it. You must care.

Be kind. Be respectful. Be good. Be grateful. And also be willing to eschew the kind of coded social expectations that only serve to make you smaller. You are not small.

Thank you. This is amazing advice. From now on I’m going to focus my finite energy on the things that really matter to me, and make up victimhood stories to deflect responsibility for everything else.

Exactly. For example, the victimhood story OP told where even though she got a thank you card that had handwriting on it and mentioned her specific gift, she whined and cried about not being properly thanked? Like that kind of story, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If there are any young women reading this thread, I hope you take this conversation as a cautionary tale about whom it is worth trying to please in this life.

You can do your best to follow every tacit social rule. You can twist yourself into a pretzel trying to make sure you always, only do things the "proper" way. And even then, you will always be just a mistake away from someone's sneering judgement and gossip.

Meanwhile nearly everything you do to please people like OP, and the PPs who talk about "low class" and "in my circle," takes away from the resources and energy to live your most meaningful life.

Your energy is finite. Your time is finite. Do not squander them trying to please some supercilious dowager who is quietly itemizing your every gaffe so she can declare you worthy (or not). She cannot see your real potential (and has likely traded hers for the ability to say "I belong"), so she doesn't care if you fulfill it. You must care.

Be kind. Be respectful. Be good. Be grateful. And also be willing to eschew the kind of coded social expectations that only serve to make you smaller. You are not small.

Thank you. This is amazing advice. From now on I’m going to focus my finite energy on the things that really matter to me, and make up victimhood stories to deflect responsibility for everything else.

Again to young women: watch the language they use. Like the word “responsibility.” They will call it a “responsibility” not just to thank them, not just to thank them in writing, not even to thank them with a personalized handwritten note that mentions the specific gift, but to do it in the exact way they desire to be thanked, with the exact right stationary and some precise number of words.

Think hard about whether these individuals are actually rooting for you. If they aren’t, consider whether it is worth caring too much about their judgement and tacit standards.

You are going to have to let some things go in this life. You get to choose what they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If there are any young women reading this thread, I hope you take this conversation as a cautionary tale about whom it is worth trying to please in this life.

You can do your best to follow every tacit social rule. You can twist yourself into a pretzel trying to make sure you always, only do things the "proper" way. And even then, you will always be just a mistake away from someone's sneering judgement and gossip.

Meanwhile nearly everything you do to please people like OP, and the PPs who talk about "low class" and "in my circle," takes away from the resources and energy to live your most meaningful life.

Your energy is finite. Your time is finite. Do not squander them trying to please some supercilious dowager who is quietly itemizing your every gaffe so she can declare you worthy (or not). She cannot see your real potential (and has likely traded hers for the ability to say "I belong"), so she doesn't care if you fulfill it. You must care.

Be kind. Be respectful. Be good. Be grateful. And also be willing to eschew the kind of coded social expectations that only serve to make you smaller. You are not small.

Thank you. This is amazing advice. From now on I’m going to focus my finite energy on the things that really matter to me, and make up victimhood stories to deflect responsibility for everything else.

Again to young women: watch the language they use. Like the word “responsibility.” They will call it a “responsibility” not just to thank them, not just to thank them in writing, not even to thank them with a personalized handwritten note that mentions the specific gift, but to do it in the exact way they desire to be thanked, with the exact right stationary and some precise number of words.

Think hard about whether these individuals are actually rooting for you. If they aren’t, consider whether it is worth caring too much about their judgement and tacit standards.

You are going to have to let some things go in this life. You get to choose what they are.

+100. People like the OP who *literally count the amount of handwritten words and then run to the Internet about it* ain’t good people worth your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please, if you don't want gifts, say "no gifts." If you do, please just ask me for money and either write a basic thank you note or get an AI agent to write a convincing one. Please do at least 25% of the work I had to do to send you the gift. And please note this is to the couple in general. Last wedding I went to was for my nephew and it was 16 months ago. 8 months ago I got a generic postcard similar to OP describes. I could care less, but I did not feel inclined to give a baby gift after never hearing a word from either of the couple about their birth or even an announcement. I could care less about the gift, but I do miss having family. And I say this as a workaholic with many other things to do.

Then care less

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look. Historically it was women who wrote the thank you letters. I have never met a man who would write a thank you letter, let alone take the time to figure out what everybody sent and come up with a few sentences on how he planned to use it.

And maybe that made sense when women stayed at home, and relationships were their responsibility.

But now with women working full time, it’s ridiculous to expect them to also spend hours on this unpaid labor that no man would ever do. They (or really, she, because I’m guessing the wife did this) are smart for finding a solution that requires little time yet still got the thank you note out.

Gotta love this new generation. Not too busy to plan a big expensive wedding and fill out that registry, but too busy and entitled to be bothered with sending a proper thank you.

+ 100
This is it right here. And it is the truth. The amount of time and energy it takes to plan a big event is never discussed as being too much, is it? But when it comes to anything beyond the me-me-me-centric aspect of weddings, it is "ridiculous" and "unpaid labor" to write a thank you note. And I don't care who writes the note - bride or groom - but if the happy couple is willing to receive gifts than they should be willing to show their gratitude in a traditional way as well.

The couple spends all this time planning the wedding and then invites you to join them and pays for your participation by providing you food and beverages and entertainment. For that you give them a gift. Then you want a card. Why don’t you see your gift as the thank you for being invited to the wedding and eating and drinking and dancing for free?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read the whole thread, but I’m a GenXer who doesn’t really like receiving thank you notes. When they arrive in the mail and I can tell by the timing and size of the card what they are, I usually just let them sit on the mail pile. I know what it’s going to say, the whole thing just feels like a pointless series of obligatory steps that don’t add up to true gratitude. I don’t give gifts for my own glory or peace of mind, I give them so the recipients can enjoy them. Once it’s given, it’s out of my mind.

My Boomer mother, on the other hand, keeps track. But she tends to make most things all about her.

Also GenXer and same. I would be absolutely fine not receiving a written thank you. It’s a gift! I didn’t give it to you to then obligate you to do something for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read the whole thread, but I’m a GenXer who doesn’t really like receiving thank you notes. When they arrive in the mail and I can tell by the timing and size of the card what they are, I usually just let them sit on the mail pile. I know what it’s going to say, the whole thing just feels like a pointless series of obligatory steps that don’t add up to true gratitude. I don’t give gifts for my own glory or peace of mind, I give them so the recipients can enjoy them. Once it’s given, it’s out of my mind.

My Boomer mother, on the other hand, keeps track. But she tends to make most things all about her.

Also GenXer and same. I would be absolutely fine not receiving a written thank you. It’s a gift! I didn’t give it to you to then obligate you to do something for me.

+1. Like a PP, I often say, "please don't write me a note. Seriously, I don't want one." And I don't.

Like, should a new mom really be spending her time hand-writing thank you notes? Goodness no. Take care of your infant, take care of yourself. If you have a few minutes of spare time, get a little more sleep. Please don't give a thought to me.

Literally don't understand the people who need the exact-right thank you card. It just seems so needy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If there are any young women reading this thread, I hope you take this conversation as a cautionary tale about whom it is worth trying to please in this life.

You can do your best to follow every tacit social rule. You can twist yourself into a pretzel trying to make sure you always, only do things the "proper" way. And even then, you will always be just a mistake away from someone's sneering judgement and gossip.

Meanwhile nearly everything you do to please people like OP, and the PPs who talk about "low class" and "in my circle," takes away from the resources and energy to live your most meaningful life.

Your energy is finite. Your time is finite. Do not squander them trying to please some supercilious dowager who is quietly itemizing your every gaffe so she can declare you worthy (or not). She cannot see your real potential (and has likely traded hers for the ability to say "I belong"), so she doesn't care if you fulfill it. You must care.

Be kind. Be respectful. Be good. Be grateful. And also be willing to eschew the kind of coded social expectations that only serve to make you smaller. You are not small.

Thank you. This is amazing advice. From now on I’m going to focus my finite energy on the things that really matter to me, and make up victimhood stories to deflect responsibility for everything else.

It's funny because I read someone who doesn't bother to thank people for gifts as ungrateful and I realize that I should not focus "my finite energy" on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If there are any young women reading this thread, I hope you take this conversation as a cautionary tale about whom it is worth trying to please in this life.

You can do your best to follow every tacit social rule. You can twist yourself into a pretzel trying to make sure you always, only do things the "proper" way. And even then, you will always be just a mistake away from someone's sneering judgement and gossip.

Meanwhile nearly everything you do to please people like OP, and the PPs who talk about "low class" and "in my circle," takes away from the resources and energy to live your most meaningful life.

Your energy is finite. Your time is finite. Do not squander them trying to please some supercilious dowager who is quietly itemizing your every gaffe so she can declare you worthy (or not). She cannot see your real potential (and has likely traded hers for the ability to say "I belong"), so she doesn't care if you fulfill it. You must care.

Be kind. Be respectful. Be good. Be grateful. And also be willing to eschew the kind of coded social expectations that only serve to make you smaller. You are not small.

Thank you. This is amazing advice. From now on I’m going to focus my finite energy on the things that really matter to me, and make up victimhood stories to deflect responsibility for everything else.

It's funny because I read someone who doesn't bother to thank people for gifts as ungrateful and I realize that I should not focus "my finite energy" on them.

DP. So don’t! Don’t go to the wedding! Don’t buy them a gift! They won’t miss you or your gift!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If there are any young women reading this thread, I hope you take this conversation as a cautionary tale about whom it is worth trying to please in this life.

You can do your best to follow every tacit social rule. You can twist yourself into a pretzel trying to make sure you always, only do things the "proper" way. And even then, you will always be just a mistake away from someone's sneering judgement and gossip.

Meanwhile nearly everything you do to please people like OP, and the PPs who talk about "low class" and "in my circle," takes away from the resources and energy to live your most meaningful life.

Your energy is finite. Your time is finite. Do not squander them trying to please some supercilious dowager who is quietly itemizing your every gaffe so she can declare you worthy (or not). She cannot see your real potential (and has likely traded hers for the ability to say "I belong"), so she doesn't care if you fulfill it. You must care.

Be kind. Be respectful. Be good. Be grateful. And also be willing to eschew the kind of coded social expectations that only serve to make you smaller. You are not small.

Thank you. This is amazing advice. From now on I’m going to focus my finite energy on the things that really matter to me, and make up victimhood stories to deflect responsibility for everything else.

It's funny because I read someone who doesn't bother to thank people for gifts as ungrateful and I realize that I should not focus "my finite energy" on them.

Sure, you do you. Not all of us are good fits for one another. If, for example, you found that spending your finite energy on me was in some way harmful to you, I'd say, "Oh, then don't. Let's just wish each other well." Like, why would I want to cause you unnecessary stress?

Go. Be happy. I absolve you.

But for what it's worth, the couple that OP describes DID thank her! They were not ungrateful, not remotely. A lot of people in this thread seem to conflate not sending a traditional thank you with not thanking at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look. Historically it was women who wrote the thank you letters. I have never met a man who would write a thank you letter, let alone take the time to figure out what everybody sent and come up with a few sentences on how he planned to use it.

And maybe that made sense when women stayed at home, and relationships were their responsibility.

But now with women working full time, it’s ridiculous to expect them to also spend hours on this unpaid labor that no man would ever do. They (or really, she, because I’m guessing the wife did this) are smart for finding a solution that requires little time yet still got the thank you note out.

Figure out who sent what? When everything is done online? Couldn't be easier. I got married 16 years ago, we had a spreadsheet with addresses to send our wedding invites out. When gifts came in, we added a column to that same spreadsheet of who sent what. My DH and I split writing thank you notes, he did his friends/family and I did mine. We got married to be a team. Good lord misogyny ruins everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If there are any young women reading this thread, I hope you take this conversation as a cautionary tale about whom it is worth trying to please in this life.

You can do your best to follow every tacit social rule. You can twist yourself into a pretzel trying to make sure you always, only do things the "proper" way. And even then, you will always be just a mistake away from someone's sneering judgement and gossip.

Meanwhile nearly everything you do to please people like OP, and the PPs who talk about "low class" and "in my circle," takes away from the resources and energy to live your most meaningful life.

Your energy is finite. Your time is finite. Do not squander them trying to please some supercilious dowager who is quietly itemizing your every gaffe so she can declare you worthy (or not). She cannot see your real potential (and has likely traded hers for the ability to say "I belong"), so she doesn't care if you fulfill it. You must care.

Be kind. Be respectful. Be good. Be grateful. And also be willing to eschew the kind of coded social expectations that only serve to make you smaller. You are not small.

Thank you. This is amazing advice. From now on I’m going to focus my finite energy on the things that really matter to me, and make up victimhood stories to deflect responsibility for everything else.

It's funny because I read someone who doesn't bother to thank people for gifts as ungrateful and I realize that I should not focus "my finite energy" on them.

Is it possible that you, too, have been burdened by social obligations that were not life-enhancing for you? And that's why being thanked "properly" has such outsized importance for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look. Historically it was women who wrote the thank you letters. I have never met a man who would write a thank you letter, let alone take the time to figure out what everybody sent and come up with a few sentences on how he planned to use it.

And maybe that made sense when women stayed at home, and relationships were their responsibility.

But now with women working full time, it’s ridiculous to expect them to also spend hours on this unpaid labor that no man would ever do. They (or really, she, because I’m guessing the wife did this) are smart for finding a solution that requires little time yet still got the thank you note out.

Gotta love this new generation. Not too busy to plan a big expensive wedding and fill out that registry, but too busy and entitled to be bothered with sending a proper thank you.

+ 100
This is it right here. And it is the truth. The amount of time and energy it takes to plan a big event is never discussed as being too much, is it? But when it comes to anything beyond the me-me-me-centric aspect of weddings, it is "ridiculous" and "unpaid labor" to write a thank you note. And I don't care who writes the note - bride or groom - but if the happy couple is willing to receive gifts than they should be willing to show their gratitude in a traditional way as well.

The couple spends all this time planning the wedding and then invites you to join them and pays for your participation by providing you food and beverages and entertainment. For that you give them a gift. Then you want a card. Why don’t you see your gift as the thank you for being invited to the wedding and eating and drinking and dancing for free?

What? PP has it wrong or has not been gifting enough. I was raised that a wedding gift should more than cover the per person cost of each person invited and attending a wedding. So if the dinner is $135 per person my husband and I should at least gift $300 although we always gift significantly more than that.

Nothing is for free PP and if you are not gifting the bride and groom enough to cover your plate(s) shame on you.