Postcard as a wedding thank-you -- is this the new norm?

[Anonymous]

Who cares? I wrote thank you notes for all my wedding gifts and every gift I’ve received. Frankly, I find it to be a tedious chore and would rather not get a gift then have the obligation of a thank you note. While I think these are nice and a sign of good manners, this tradition was made back when women stayed at home and had plenty of time for these needless pleasantries.

I don’t care if anyone sends me a note- I skim it and it goes straight to the trash. A postcard is a-okay in my book, as is simply saying or even texting “thank you.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read the whole thread, but I’m a GenXer who doesn’t really like receiving thank you notes. When they arrive in the mail and I can tell by the timing and size of the card what they are, I usually just let them sit on the mail pile. I know what it’s going to say, the whole thing just feels like a pointless series of obligatory steps that don’t add up to true gratitude. I don’t give gifts for my own glory or peace of mind, I give them so the recipients can enjoy them. Once it’s given, it’s out of my mind.

My Boomer mother, on the other hand, keeps track. But she tends to make most things all about her.

Actually, it's you making it about yourself and not caring or wanting to take the time to read what an appreciative recipient has written to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sounds lovely. They didn’t just thank you for “the kind gift,” they were specific about the coffee maker.

Just stop.

Your gift was acknowledged; you know it was received; you were thanked.

Stop, Gladys.

+1
I was reading this as if OP were a self centered person who needs accolades all the time. “Thanks for celebrating with us an for the lovely gift” is all you can reasonably expect. OP got that and wants more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds lovely. They didn’t just thank you for “the kind gift,” they were specific about the coffee maker.

Just stop.

Your gift was acknowledged; you know it was received; you were thanked.

Stop, Gladys.

+1
I was reading this as if OP were a self centered person who needs accolades all the time. “Thanks for celebrating with us an for the lovely gift” is all you can reasonably expect. OP got that and wants more.

The "lovely gift" suggests the recipient has no clue what was given.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds lovely. They didn’t just thank you for “the kind gift,” they were specific about the coffee maker.

Just stop.

Your gift was acknowledged; you know it was received; you were thanked.

Stop, Gladys.

+1
I was reading this as if OP were a self centered person who needs accolades all the time. “Thanks for celebrating with us an for the lovely gift” is all you can reasonably expect. OP got that and wants more.

The "lovely gift" suggests the recipient has no clue what was given.

For those of us who actually read the OP, and have decent reading comprehension skills, OP was specifically thanked for her specific gift:

“…and then just two short handwritten lines thanking me specifically for my gift, and in the most generic way possible (basically: thank you for the X, we really appreciate it). There were exactly sixteen handwritten words in the whole thing.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look. Historically it was women who wrote the thank you letters. I have never met a man who would write a thank you letter, let alone take the time to figure out what everybody sent and come up with a few sentences on how he planned to use it.

And maybe that made sense when women stayed at home, and relationships were their responsibility.

But now with women working full time, it’s ridiculous to expect them to also spend hours on this unpaid labor that no man would ever do. They (or really, she, because I’m guessing the wife did this) are smart for finding a solution that requires little time yet still got the thank you note out.

Gotta love this new generation. Not too busy to plan a big expensive wedding and fill out that registry, but too busy and entitled to be bothered with sending a proper thank you.

+1

We live in a vulgar age.

Indeed. How vulgar for OP to not only receive a thank you card in the mail, which did indeed have handwriting on it and which did indeed mention the specific gift they were thanking her for, but to also receive a photo of the smiling couple, which are presumably people she loves. It was a bit unconventional, so OP—in a very vulgar fashion—ran to the Internet to whine and complain that someone had the audacity to…thank her.

We do live in a vulgar age, when even acts of gratitude are judged and picked apart and sneered at by people like the OP.

+1, this is what I see too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds lovely. They didn’t just thank you for “the kind gift,” they were specific about the coffee maker.

Just stop.

Your gift was acknowledged; you know it was received; you were thanked.

Stop, Gladys.

+1
I was reading this as if OP were a self centered person who needs accolades all the time. “Thanks for celebrating with us an for the lovely gift” is all you can reasonably expect. OP got that and wants more.

The "lovely gift" suggests the recipient has no clue what was given.

For those of us who actually read the OP, and have decent reading comprehension skills, OP was specifically thanked for her specific gift:

“…and then just two short handwritten lines thanking me specifically for my gift, and in the most generic way possible (basically: thank you for the X, we really appreciate it). There were exactly sixteen handwritten words in the whole thing.”

Bolding for those who are quicker to judge than they are to read carefully.

The couple sounds great. I'm happy for them.

[Anonymous]

Sounds fine to me, and ugh, this all reminds me of how awful weddings are as a bride.

At our wedding - which we didn’t even want to have, but was insisted upon by our boomer parents - i remember asking my mother if we could request no gifts.

That is because I would have preferred not to get a gift than to have to deal with the inevitable judgment heaped upon me by my parent’s friends about thank you notes (timing, length, content, penmanship, etc, etc).

My mom’s friends are all former schoolteachers and nurses who were able to retire young and have just sat around for the last 25 years nitpicking and judging each others kids. Every interaction is like a social trap.

Anyhow, I give presents because it makes me feel good to make people happy - it is not a freaking TEST!

In fact, when I give my nieces and nephews presents I tell them part of the gift is that they are not to send us a thank you note. Just enjoy it (or give it away - I don’t care!)

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I'd rather a short card than anything else. Realistically, I'm throwing it away. I'd prefer less paper to toss out.

I also am not a fan of favors. I really would rather not have shot glasses or luggage tags with your wedding date. These I might hang onto for a couple years out of obligation and then throw out.

[Anonymous]

It is not the new norm. Even now, the norm is to send nice 'Thank You' cards by snail mail with a handwritten note.

But, it is ok in certain conditions - a) the whole wedding had a laid back barnyard wedding kind of vibe, b) young bride and groom paid for the wedding and planned it, c) most of the guests are young and there are very few friends of the parents or few elders of the family invited, d) it is a starter marriage e) guests are expecting thanks digitally or on SM, e) court wedding or elopement.

Big proper wedding with ceremony, bridesmaids, pre-wedding events, speeches and such? No. Then it only shows low class and laziness.

But, we all know that, don't we?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not the new norm. Even now, the norm is to send nice 'Thank You' cards by snail mail with a handwritten note.

But, it is ok in certain conditions - a) the whole wedding had a laid back barnyard wedding kind of vibe, b) young bride and groom paid for the wedding and planned it, c) most of the guests are young and there are very few friends of the parents or few elders of the family invited, d) it is a starter marriage e) guests are expecting thanks digitally or on SM, e) court wedding or elopement.

Big proper wedding with ceremony, bridesmaids, pre-wedding events, speeches and such? No. Then it only shows low class and laziness.

But, we all know that, don't we?

No, we don’t all know that. You sound like someone who gets many obligatory wedding invites and very few genuine invites.

[Anonymous]

If there are any young women reading this thread, I hope you take this conversation as a cautionary tale about whom it is worth trying to please in this life.

You can do your best to follow every tacit social rule. You can twist yourself into a pretzel trying to make sure you always, only do things the "proper" way. And even then, you will always be just a mistake away from someone's sneering judgement and gossip.

Meanwhile nearly everything you do to please people like OP, and the PPs who talk about "low class" and "in my circle," takes away from the resources and energy to live your most meaningful life.

Your energy is finite. Your time is finite. Do not squander them trying to please some supercilious dowager who is quietly itemizing your every gaffe so she can declare you worthy (or not). She cannot see your real potential (and has likely traded hers for the ability to say "I belong"), so she doesn't care if you fulfill it. You must care.

Be kind. Be respectful. Be good. Be grateful. And also be willing to eschew the kind of coded social expectations that only serve to make you smaller. You are not small.

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe you shrews will still complain about not being thanked WHEN YOU LITERALLY HAVE BEEN THANKED. With handwriting, and with a mention of the specific gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If there are any young women reading this thread, I hope you take this conversation as a cautionary tale about whom it is worth trying to please in this life.

You can do your best to follow every tacit social rule. You can twist yourself into a pretzel trying to make sure you always, only do things the "proper" way. And even then, you will always be just a mistake away from someone's sneering judgement and gossip.

Meanwhile nearly everything you do to please people like OP, and the PPs who talk about "low class" and "in my circle," takes away from the resources and energy to live your most meaningful life.

Your energy is finite. Your time is finite. Do not squander them trying to please some supercilious dowager who is quietly itemizing your every gaffe so she can declare you worthy (or not). She cannot see your real potential (and has likely traded hers for the ability to say "I belong"), so she doesn't care if you fulfill it. You must care.

Be kind. Be respectful. Be good. Be grateful. And also be willing to eschew the kind of coded social expectations that only serve to make you smaller. You are not small.

So well said. I’m so glad there are people like you in this world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If there are any young women reading this thread, I hope you take this conversation as a cautionary tale about whom it is worth trying to please in this life.

You can do your best to follow every tacit social rule. You can twist yourself into a pretzel trying to make sure you always, only do things the "proper" way. And even then, you will always be just a mistake away from someone's sneering judgement and gossip.

Meanwhile nearly everything you do to please people like OP, and the PPs who talk about "low class" and "in my circle," takes away from the resources and energy to live your most meaningful life.

Your energy is finite. Your time is finite. Do not squander them trying to please some supercilious dowager who is quietly itemizing your every gaffe so she can declare you worthy (or not). She cannot see your real potential (and has likely traded hers for the ability to say "I belong"), so she doesn't care if you fulfill it. You must care.

Be kind. Be respectful. Be good. Be grateful. And also be willing to eschew the kind of coded social expectations that only serve to make you smaller. You are not small.

Thank you. This is amazing advice. From now on I’m going to focus my finite energy on the things that really matter to me, and make up victimhood stories to deflect responsibility for everything else.