is anyone worried about their kid finding their spouse in college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the more important thing for me as a parent is for my kid to be at a college where there is SOME dating culture.

Many of us with kids in college (and hearing how things are from our kids and from the kids of our friends) are finding that this doesn't really exist at many schools.

I'd rather my kid not meet with their ultimate life partner in college but it would be nice for them to have some experience with the opposite sex before age 21.

I'm hearing this more and more now, too, and I'm super surprised by this. What is happening? Why is this happening? Please give me some insight.
Mine are not in college yet. I do want them to date in college.

Dating apps, and Gen Z is probably the most socially anxious generation in history.

I don’t find kids socially anxious at all. My teens and their peers all date, attend parties, and hang-out in small mixed gender groups. They have guy friends and behave normally.

I am surprised to hear posters claiming that students aren’t dating in college. I echo what another poster said, which is I wouldn’t want my child meeting their spouse in college. I consider this age far too young to settle down. I’d like my kids to enjoy their twenties without the obligation and burden of marriage. That said, I do want them to date! It’s fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the more important thing for me as a parent is for my kid to be at a college where there is SOME dating culture.

Many of us with kids in college (and hearing how things are from our kids and from the kids of our friends) are finding that this doesn't really exist at many schools.

I'd rather my kid not meet with their ultimate life partner in college but it would be nice for them to have some experience with the opposite sex before age 21.

I'm hearing this more and more now, too, and I'm super surprised by this. What is happening? Why is this happening? Please give me some insight.
Mine are not in college yet. I do want them to date in college.

Dating apps, and Gen Z is probably the most socially anxious generation in history.

I don’t find kids socially anxious at all. My teens and their peers all date, attend parties, and hang-out in small mixed gender groups. They have guy friends and behave normally.

I am surprised to hear posters claiming that students aren’t dating in college. I echo what another poster said, which is I wouldn’t want my child meeting their spouse in college. I consider this age far too young to settle down. I’d like my kids to enjoy their twenties without the obligation and burden of marriage. That said, I do want them to date! It’s fun.

What colleges do your teens attend?

[Anonymous]

Yes I am worried. My kid is smart but not really motivated, at least he can’t stay consistently motivated. I looked at the schools in state he can realistically attend, like, safeties, and i didn’t like the demographics at all.
I am now rethinking, it might be a better option for him to go the CC->4 year transfer route because there might be more people who are similar to him there.
However, I know I probably won’t have much influence over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes and it's why I took California schools off their lists. I don't want them settling down with someone who is from so far away.

BTW OP, this happens whether or not you are in favor of it. This is one thing that you truly have no control over. So of course it should be a consideration.

CA schools (at least publics) are so not worth it if you are OOS. Also lots of either first gen kids or kids of foreign born techies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Goodness no. And what do you mean by the right fit? Schools where kids want to marry early or schools where they are headed to Wall Street? I went to the latter and there weren't that many marriages about classmates, and certainly not that many that lasted.

Not sure what OP means but for me the right fit is other fairly laid back but well educated families. Not tryhard strivers and not charity cases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine goes to a big school OOS and I’m more worried about them not moving back to the DC area for life afterward. I lived abroad in my 20s and I want them to live wherever they want, but I do want them to settle back here in the DC area after a while (just selfishly, so I can see them more often).

Don’t worry until you have something to worry about.

Realistically you have to lure them in with something, be it job opportunities they can get thru you, or living rent free at your house, or babysitting their kids. The good thing is that the DMV has a lot of jobs! I for one am glad I don’t live in the boonies

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t worry about my kid finding a spouse in college, but I do worry about how my kids’ choice of college influences who they marry.

We get so anxious on this board over where our kids might go to college, but ultimately that decision is much less important than who your child decides to marry.

Where I live it’s just the stats are not in my favor. There are many more people who are not like us than people who are like us around. We are a minority in some aspects

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im actually more worried that they won't. I have two college aged daughters and there is essentially no dating in college per their reports. And a family member who teaches at a medical school and residency in a female dominated speciality says that it's noticeable that year-in and year-out that the female medical students and residents don't date as they have a really hard time meeting eligible and educated men.

I wouldn't breathe a word of this to my daughters but it doesn't seem particularly easy out here.

If the majority of families at a particular college encourage studies above all else, then we have a problem like this one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I prefer they DO meet spouse at college but hard at big Greek schools. Assume elite schools easier

no, there is next to no dating at elite schools. Two kids at two different top20 schools.

Because nowadays they consist of try hard academic strivers mostly who had no chance to learn how to date! Their families wouldn’t allow them to date, in many cases!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No.

Mainly because my kids were super argumentative and they would debate with me about any pearls of wisdom I shared. Over the years, I had to give them logical and beneficial reasons to make good choices, in a way that has appealed to them.

One thing that my kids knew was to first work on themselves and become a catch. After that, they needed to have a vast network of friends, have a social life and be open to meeting people.

Remember, you tend to attract the people who are like you. Greedy people will attract greedy people. Cheats will attract cheats. Be an honest, kind, good and loyal person so that you attract such people.

Looks are not everything, but, health is really important. And don't be like "Bob The Builder" who is always trying to fix things. Don't be with broken people thinking that you will fix them.

Unfortunately I see a lot of really good kids with a savior complex or just downplaying the health aspect (I think many conditions are normalized now) falling for sickly partners and trying to help them. Mental conditions especially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes and it's why I took California schools off their lists. I don't want them settling down with someone who is from so far away.

BTW OP, this happens whether or not you are in favor of it. This is one thing that you truly have no control over. So of course it should be a consideration.

CA schools (at least publics) are so not worth it if you are OOS. Also lots of either first gen kids or kids of foreign born techies.

Harvard has 41% Asians many of them kids of foreign born techies. Add first gen and it is more than 50% not the kind of people you are looking to associate with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also why I don't want my kid going out of our region for college--risk of falling in love with someone a plane ride away, and then staying out there. (I'm not forbidding it or anything. It's not not my preference.)

You have to lure them to stay or return. Offer job opportunities, housing, babysitting, something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes and it's why I took California schools off their lists. I don't want them settling down with someone who is from so far away.

BTW OP, this happens whether or not you are in favor of it. This is one thing that you truly have no control over. So of course it should be a consideration.

CA schools (at least publics) are so not worth it if you are OOS. Also lots of either first gen kids or kids of foreign born techies.

Harvard has 41% Asians many of them kids of foreign born techies. Add first gen and it is more than 50% not the kind of people you are looking to associate with.

Harvard isn't a CA public school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im actually more worried that they won't. I have two college aged daughters and there is essentially no dating in college per their reports. And a family member who teaches at a medical school and residency in a female dominated speciality says that it's noticeable that year-in and year-out that the female medical students and residents don't date as they have a really hard time meeting eligible and educated men.

I wouldn't breathe a word of this to my daughters but it doesn't seem particularly easy out here.

Young women out number men in both Law and Medical school and just college in general.

Yes, and many of the male medical students arrive married out of college. It's noticeable.

And the issue is amplified by the fact that the straight males in these programs are in the minority to begin with. Yes, it's a worry of mine for my DD's (not for my DS's).

My brother (gay male) has been the head of a large residency program for almost 20 years and is a mentor and friend to the residents. He watches this play out year over year. An abundance of amazing female residency grads, lots of dating frustration as they find themselves age 29, finally ready to date and unable to find any men who are remotely at their educational or professional level. His advice to me (I have daughters) was to encourage them to actively pursue dating along the way (college, 20s, etc) if finding a male partner is a goal.

Straight males are in the minority in law school and medical school? Not my experience at all but it may have changed.

Was referencing the PP before that. I confirm what you wrote about the amazing female residents. It's extremely difficult for them to find a partner after finishing residency, I've seen this so many times. The work place is bad for dating. Also additional advice for daughters in pre-med and med; it's good to test your potential partner during this time, if they can't handle what you do now, they won't be able to handle the demands on you and your career later. Don't settle!

I think "amazing" includes different things for males and females. To many males, it's not so "amazing" if their potential spouse is a high earner, ambitious, but not very good looking or knows nothing about how to keep a home. Granted it's changing now but...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im actually more worried that they won't. I have two college aged daughters and there is essentially no dating in college per their reports. And a family member who teaches at a medical school and residency in a female dominated speciality says that it's noticeable that year-in and year-out that the female medical students and residents don't date as they have a really hard time meeting eligible and educated men.

I wouldn't breathe a word of this to my daughters but it doesn't seem particularly easy out here.

Young women out number men in both Law and Medical school and just college in general.

Yes, and many of the male medical students arrive married out of college. It's noticeable.

And the issue is amplified by the fact that the straight males in these programs are in the minority to begin with. Yes, it's a worry of mine for my DD's (not for my DS's).

My brother (gay male) has been the head of a large residency program for almost 20 years and is a mentor and friend to the residents. He watches this play out year over year. An abundance of amazing female residency grads, lots of dating frustration as they find themselves age 29, finally ready to date and unable to find any men who are remotely at their educational or professional level. His advice to me (I have daughters) was to encourage them to actively pursue dating along the way (college, 20s, etc) if finding a male partner is a goal.

Straight males are in the minority in law school and medical school? Not my experience at all but it may have changed.

Was referencing the PP before that. I confirm what you wrote about the amazing female residents. It's extremely difficult for them to find a partner after finishing residency, I've seen this so many times. The work place is bad for dating. Also additional advice for daughters in pre-med and med; it's good to test your potential partner during this time, if they can't handle what you do now, they won't be able to handle the demands on you and your career later. Don't settle!

It's hard for a female residency grad to find a partner because she probably wants someone with higher income and status. There aren't many of those men and most are fine partnering with a women of lower income and status.

this. in fact may prefer it.