Dating at gender-lopsided universities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:My daughter has been in school for a month and she has been asked out a couple of times by different guys. The same thing has occurred to two of her roommates. It is not as bleak as it sounds.

What kind of school? And how did she meet the guys? Can you share more? This has not been my daughter's experience at all and she's sort of bummed because she went to a girls' high school and hoped college would be a bit different.

DP. My daughter lives off campus with her two best friends (seniors). The girls are great friends with the guys who live next door and some pairing off has happened. But it happened organically, by being friends first and then starting to date. I always tell her to try and start a relationship that way. Marry your best friend, etc.

Ah yes, the nice guys who are only “friends” because they are looking for more. There’s something the world needs more of.

No no, it's okay, they're girls, not the evil gender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter has been in school for a month and she has been asked out a couple of times by different guys. The same thing has occurred to two of her roommates. It is not as bleak as it sounds.

What kind of school? And how did she meet the guys? Can you share more? This has not been my daughter's experience at all and she's sort of bummed because she went to a girls' high school and hoped college would be a bit different.

DP. My daughter lives off campus with her two best friends (seniors). The girls are great friends with the guys who live next door and some pairing off has happened. But it happened organically, by being friends first and then starting to date. I always tell her to try and start a relationship that way. Marry your best friend, etc.

Ah yes, the nice guys who are only “friends” because they are looking for more. There’s something the world needs more of.

What? Tell us, what exactly would you like to see happen here? You don’t want men to make “advances” (asking women out), and you clearly don’t think men and women can be friends (which speaks volumes about you). Do tell - what’s your brilliant solution?

DP - they never said men and women can't be friends, only that it's a "nice guy" thing to make friends for the purpose of finding a romantic partner.

The matter of men making advances is not in this comment thread but even the ones mentioning it were, in my mind, saying what the situation is, not that they agree with said situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think some of you have kids in the trenches. My daughter and friends are all freshmen and most of them would be happy to date or hang out with any guy in the top 50% but no one asks them out or really pays them any attention. They go to darties or pre-game events and are ignored by the guys who just focus on the top 5%, STUNNING girls. There are easily 2-3 girls for every guy. Their academic lectures are generally 100+ and it's really hard to meet guys in those because no one talks pre or post lecture and they're not asking random girls out on their way out the door. Places like the gym are also 2:1 female. Then there are social and academic clubs but it's slow going there to meet anyone 1:1 and again a lot of girls. My daughter would say yes to a date with a guy in a heartbeat (and has no interest in the top 10% guys or bro culture at all) but guys don't pay any attention to her because she's just one of a sea of girls. It's the same for her roommate, hallmates, etc. They're getting asked out either. Same for her friends at other schools. There are all large universities private/public (Michigan, Georgetown, Vanderbilt, UVA, Wisconsin, Boston College, etc). It's very hard out there if you are pretty, smart, well dressed but not the hottest in the room.

No. From what I have heard guys are not making the effort any more. You can google it and get the usual videos with woman complaining that guys are not approaching any more. Who knows if the videos are really but there seems to be a boatload of videos on the subject.

I guess this is why my skinny STEM kid seems to punch way above his weight with the ladies. He has just never been shy approaching girls since 9th grade.

He probably read (and believed) "The Game" or similar PUA material. Surprisingly (or perhaps unsurprisingly) popular among unattractive STEM guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think some of you have kids in the trenches. My daughter and friends are all freshmen and most of them would be happy to date or hang out with any guy in the top 50% but no one asks them out or really pays them any attention. They go to darties or pre-game events and are ignored by the guys who just focus on the top 5%, STUNNING girls. There are easily 2-3 girls for every guy. Their academic lectures are generally 100+ and it's really hard to meet guys in those because no one talks pre or post lecture and they're not asking random girls out on their way out the door. Places like the gym are also 2:1 female. Then there are social and academic clubs but it's slow going there to meet anyone 1:1 and again a lot of girls. My daughter would say yes to a date with a guy in a heartbeat (and has no interest in the top 10% guys or bro culture at all) but guys don't pay any attention to her because she's just one of a sea of girls. It's the same for her roommate, hallmates, etc. They're getting asked out either. Same for her friends at other schools. There are all large universities private/public (Michigan, Georgetown, Vanderbilt, UVA, Wisconsin, Boston College, etc). It's very hard out there if you are pretty, smart, well dressed but not the hottest in the room.

No. From what I have heard guys are not making the effort any more. You can google it and get the usual videos with woman complaining that guys are not approaching any more. Who knows if the videos are really but there seems to be a boatload of videos on the subject.

I guess this is why my skinny STEM kid seems to punch way above his weight with the ladies. He has just never been shy approaching girls since 9th grade.

He probably read (and believed) "The Game" or similar PUA material. Surprisingly (or perhaps unsurprisingly) popular among unattractive STEM guys.

No…he’s never read that nonsense. He’s just always had confidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think some of you have kids in the trenches. My daughter and friends are all freshmen and most of them would be happy to date or hang out with any guy in the top 50% but no one asks them out or really pays them any attention. They go to darties or pre-game events and are ignored by the guys who just focus on the top 5%, STUNNING girls. There are easily 2-3 girls for every guy. Their academic lectures are generally 100+ and it's really hard to meet guys in those because no one talks pre or post lecture and they're not asking random girls out on their way out the door. Places like the gym are also 2:1 female. Then there are social and academic clubs but it's slow going there to meet anyone 1:1 and again a lot of girls. My daughter would say yes to a date with a guy in a heartbeat (and has no interest in the top 10% guys or bro culture at all) but guys don't pay any attention to her because she's just one of a sea of girls. It's the same for her roommate, hallmates, etc. They're getting asked out either. Same for her friends at other schools. There are all large universities private/public (Michigan, Georgetown, Vanderbilt, UVA, Wisconsin, Boston College, etc). It's very hard out there if you are pretty, smart, well dressed but not the hottest in the room.

No. From what I have heard guys are not making the effort any more. You can google it and get the usual videos with woman complaining that guys are not approaching any more. Who knows if the videos are really but there seems to be a boatload of videos on the subject.

I guess this is why my skinny STEM kid seems to punch way above his weight with the ladies. He has just never been shy approaching girls since 9th grade.

Curious — does he have sisters?
Everyone was a little surprised that my son is on his second girlfriend but I think the fact that he has sisters gives him some extra cknfidence around girls.

I do think that the guys that know how to talk to girls in a nice way and aren’t scared to do so have some real opportunities here. Basically the bar is pretty low for these boys. Don’t seem like an incel. Don’t seem like you’re days rapey. Don’t be afraid to talk to a girl. Shower and brush your teeth. If you can put on clothes aren’t a just workout clothes and maybe put some product in your hair, you’re way ahead of the game but that’s not even necessary.

He doesn’t…but he does fit the profile in your second paragraph. Always dresses decently and rarely workout clothes.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:"Asked out on dates"

Is she willing to do the asking?

That's not going to go well

Why not?

I'm surprised you don't know this. Men want to do the choosing. If they want to date you they will ask. If they don't ask they won't want you. And I don't want to hear about the one man who was asked out because this true of the majority of men!

The 1950s have spoken.

It’s different in 2025. Women need to ask. Men have been taught they will get charged with harassment and guilty first.

Have any of you ever asked a woman out in the past quarter-century? I've never had any problems with this.

That's because sexual harassment is a pattern. Ask once, accept a "no," move along? That's not harassment, and no serious person thinks it is

Not everyone is "serious", and most girls confuse sexual attention with romantic interest and will thus reject a guy at their level because they have (or can easily get) a "date" (sex appointment) with a very attractive guy who has no long term interest in them.

This rings true. My mother didn't really teach me this stuff. She met my dad at 21 and he fell madly in love. So I guess I assumed a guy would fall madly in love with me as well. I had no idea how dishonest they could be. I also didn't realize guys could feel sexual about women they cared nothing for, since for me that would be impossible.

Did your mother really never even tell you "men are dogs" or to "save it for marriage", or anything of the sort? I find that hard to believe.

She truly never did. She just hyped up that someday my prince would come when I was sad and lonely as a teen. Then in college they came...and went.

[Anonymous]

My college was 70% women. I had a boyfriend. I wanted to go to a women's college but my parents would not let me apply to a college in NYC.

It is NOT ideal to have a boyfriend in college. I wish I had not. I was with him for 6 years. It prevented me from living where I wanted to live after college and not learning from dating. You should not be hoping your daughter has a boyfriend. Get credentials for a career. Then get a boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

This is cool! For the first time, the NASA astronaut class has more women than men: www.nasa.gov/news-release...

Women are just taking over! It’s great to see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do agree with some of the conclusions here. I have both boys and girls, so you won't catch me bashing either.

My daughter would love to be "asked out" in the old-fashioned way. Dinner, coffee, whatever. She's sick of "talking to" guys.

My son is definitely a bit afraid to ask out a girl and either be shot down or shamed. He has friends who are gay and bisexual, but he admits to being confused about whether it's OK to pursue a girl who has said she's bi.

I don’t really understand sort of extreme reactions like this.

My two sons attended DCPS and while they shrugged at some of the social engineering, neither felt oppressed or overwhelmed by the messaging. Maybe in the scheme of things DCPS isn’t that crazy.

Neither has ever had an issue reading social cues and asking women out…sometimes a rejection happens but I guess they ask out normal people because there is no public shaming.

I don't think he'd get shamed, either, but HE thinks he would!

I totally agree.

The guys (thanks to social media in my opinion) think they are going to be mocked and shamed if they make a misstep.

Social media has destroyed dating relationships.

My sons aren't big social media users and no surprise the girls they are interested in, are not either.

It's kind of bizarre to think that a normal person will somehow now out of the blue try to get their viral moment by posting about how they rejected someone asking them out.

It is the fear of being labeled as a creep but it is also bigger vs that. These viral moments reinforces the social construct- females are not interested in males approaching them, asking them out, interacting with them, etc. If you do approach a female you run the risk of being seen as a creep and no one is going to take your side. Most normal people will avoid this risk.

It is sad that people feel it is acceptable to shame awkward teens but it does have an impact.

Exactly this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter has been in school for a month and she has been asked out a couple of times by different guys. The same thing has occurred to two of her roommates. It is not as bleak as it sounds.

What kind of school? And how did she meet the guys? Can you share more? This has not been my daughter's experience at all and she's sort of bummed because she went to a girls' high school and hoped college would be a bit different.

She goes to a midsized school of 8k. The school had 5 days of orientation and she was able to meet numerous people during the various events. She also lives in a coed dorm and they had various activities. Being an active participant and engaging people, I think goes a long way.

Is this Northwestern? It sounds like my older child's experience.
My younger child goes to UVA and all the dorms are single gender by floor, they had 2 days of summer orientation in June etc. It's been really had to meet the opposite sex and no one they know is dating or really interacting with the opposite gender at all outside of parties which aren't great because everyone is drunk.

WasU

Washington University in St louis?

St. Louis has a really normal dating scene.

No one is terribly radical or extreme, which helps a lot on college dating scenes and dating at large. I have several young adult and college relatives there, and their dating lives are like it was when we were in college... normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is better. Women should be free to study, go to class, work, go to the gym, and attend social events without the risk of being harassed or labeled a b- when we reject clumsy (and they are always clumsy) advances.

If I want to date someone, I am perfectly capable of asking. And I’m confident that when I do, whether or not I’m successful, it won’t be inappropriate.

No, it is not better.

It is the mean girl social media equivalent of the stereotypical guys taunting the "fat" girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is cool! For the first time, the NASA astronaut class has more women than men: www.nasa.gov/news-release...

Women are just taking over! It’s great to see.

Why would any one gender taking over be "great to see"? Isn't gender balance better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is better. Women should be free to study, go to class, work, go to the gym, and attend social events without the risk of being harassed or labeled a b- when we reject clumsy (and they are always clumsy) advances.

Yeah what's wrong with these guys who are 18 or so and make these clumsy advances? It's like they're totally lacking in experience or something.

Obviously we need a mandatory "how to make suave advances" class for high school boys.

No, we really don’t. We need to normalize *not* making advances.

What the heck?

No.

This attitude has been given an oversized voice over the past 5 years or so, and the only result is both men and women being more unhappy and more lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My college was 70% women. I had a boyfriend. I wanted to go to a women's college but my parents would not let me apply to a college in NYC.

It is NOT ideal to have a boyfriend in college. I wish I had not. I was with him for 6 years. It prevented me from living where I wanted to live after college and not learning from dating. You should not be hoping your daughter has a boyfriend. Get credentials for a career. Then get a boyfriend.

It is NOT ideal to have a serious girlfriend in college either. Dating is fun though.

[Anonymous]

UMD is the choice. Big Ten and 51/49 m/f.

Well run