Reply to PSA- Yes, you are a jerk if you don't invite your older parents to Christmas

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Reply to "PSA- Yes, you are a jerk if you don't invite your older parents to Christmas"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]A few hours? More like they spend 4 days and nights as our houseguests, making things difficult and generally making me dread Christmas. Not this year, sorry. They have 3 other grown children they can spread the love this year and visit one of them for once. [/quote]

You’re an adult and can say not to hosting for four days. It doesn’t mean you can’t offer up your home for Christmas brunch. Use your words and be firm about what the invite entails.[/quote]

This assumes people live close enough to just come for brunch. Or can afford to stay in a hotel and will entertain themselves while you do things you'd prefer to do with just your nuclear family, or do traditions they cannot or will not engage in.

Both my parents and ILs live too far away to just come over for one meal. If they come, we are 100% hosting them for a minimum of 3 days -- every meal, entertainment, accommodations in our house, etc. It means my kids having to be on "grandparent behavior" the entire time.

We always travel for Thanksgiving specifically because we want to spend Christmas at home, just us. I think a lot of families make this compromise.

When I was a kid we always spent Christmas at home. I can only think of two Christmases when my grandmother was present and it was just her (her husband died long before I was born) and she only spent Christmas Eve with us and then went to my aunt's house where she spend Christmas morning -- no one just hosted her for the entire holiday.[/quote]

The problem with this scenario (both of them) is that it becomes normal to always be "just the nuclear family"--and one day you won't be part of that.  Then you'll be spending Christmas along while your kids do what you grew up doing, and what they grew up with.  That's fine if that's what you want, but many of us do not.[/quote]

So, even though your kids want to stay home and enjoy Christmas with their own kids, they should invite the extended family, because that is what the grandparents want???? Why are their wants more important than anyone else’s?

It is also not about “what’s normal”, it’s about what individual couples want to do. For some, that means spending it with extended family, for others it means spending it with nuclear family only. Even if you model spending time with extended family Christmas to your children, it doesn’t mean they will want the same thing as you. Their married life may be completely different than yours. Part of being a parent to adult children is respecting their values and individual choices, even when they differ from yours or how they were raised.

I haven’t spent Christmas with my parents in many years for a variety of reasons (mostly bc I wanted my kids to wake up on Christmas in their own home). They don’t live nearby. They never complained or whined. I invited them this year (I paid for their tickets) and genuinely want to see them, host them, and make memories this Christmas. I’m actually thrilled they are coming and I attribute it to the fact that they respected my choices and values.

Would you rather have regular forced holidays with family that are done out of obligation and guilt or have your kids invite you because they genuinely want to spend time with you? [/quote]

+1 this.

My parents and unmarried sister in her 40s invite themselves to my house. We never even get a chance to discuss what we want to/can/can’t handle. My mother just declares, we’re coming, buys tickets, books a hotel for her and my father snd a room for my sister and they come out and park at our house. My mother never offers to cook, pretends she’s incompetent at various things but wants a traditional Christmas meal. We’ve played caterer and cooked while she sits in the living room making a mess with our kids. This year I asked her what she’ll be doing while she’s here since we’re not cooking up a meal. Crickets. We don’t fly out to their house because we have small children and my hometown costs a fortune and is a PITA to get to with layovers and traffic. [/quote]

So you never take the time to fly out to see your mom and you resent when she comes to visit you? Do you not want your kids to have a relationship with her? Because if you don’t come to her because of small kids, the only option other than her coming to you is to not have them get to know her.[/quote]

We’ve visited them but not over the holidays because traveling is horrible. Spending more than $5k to get stuck overnight at O’Hare and drive in a blizzard to eat ham, sleep on my 30 year old twin bed (because there are no hotels where I’m from) and listen to my father pontificate about politics doesn’t appeal to us. It’s more tolerable when the plane tickets go down and the weather is better. [/quote]

Makes sense and I think it’s great that when they come to you, despite the cost, that they get a hotel. I would suggest booking a Christmas meal at a restaurant. No cooking, no dishes.  [/quote]

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