Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?

[Anonymous]

I had incredible working parents who had to work long hours and had long commutes. Of course they shaped me and my opinions and made decisions for me. We are extremely close and I’m grateful to them every day.

But the endless hours being herded in daycare, aftercare and city-run summer camps sure shaped my nervous system, my self of self-worth and my general comfort throughout childhood. Everything was controlled, confining and just so many people in my life, handling me, exposing me to all their own stresses even if they were good people. I might feel differently if I’d had a nanny.

My DH was raised by a rural sahm. He had incredible autonomy and consistency and became master of his own small universe. A kid in daycare is master of nothing.

Today we are similarly successful but he is much more resilient and self-assured. I work very part-time to try and give our kids some of what he had. Debating the semantics of who raises who distracts from the realities of American childcare

[Anonymous]

There were days when my 1st was a baby that I went straight from work to a grad school class, and then saw her for the first time in the night to feed her. In retrospect, it feels crazy. But she is 13 and thriving. And she knows who her mother is.

Ignore the noise, OP. People don’t mean anything, and in a few years, no one in your circle will be discussing who used daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, because it’s true, even if people don’t want to admit that’s what’s happening when children are in full-time daycare. But in polite society we avoid saying things that might hurt someone’s feelings, regardless of whether it’s truthful or not.

But it’s not truthful. My kids went to daycare, and, sure, their daycare teachers, who were all wonderful, provided care during the workday. But my spouse and I made the decisions on how to parent, which included finding great caregivers.

If your children go to daycare for 10-11 (7-6 or 7:30-5:30) hours a day for the first 4-5 years of life and sleep 10-12 hours a night then you are not spending 4-5 hours with them each day 70% of the week. How is this controversial? You are outsourcing a lot of parenting duties to other caregivers. Someone saying that they don’t want to do that is not wrong. And I’m saying this as a
full time working parent.

Does your math include weekends, holidays, and vacations? Why do naps at daycare count as daycare time but night sleeps don’t count for parents?

At least be consistent.

Yeah, when my kids were little I did the math — with 10 federal holidays, 10 sick days, 4 weeks vacation plus weekends that’s already 144 days out of the year plus I spent about 4 waking hours with them on the standard work week 25% of waking hours for day), so that works out to over half their time was spent with me plus of course I was making all the decisions about what they ate, where they lived, what books and toys they had, who their caregivers were, what medical care their received, what outside activities they engaged in, what clothes they wore, etc., etc. my oldest is in college now and I really don’t think she feels like she was raised by anyone but me and her father.

I did the math too

I woke at 6am for a feeding and was with them until 7am I was at work at 7:30, home by 4.
My H was with them from 7-9, work at 9:30, home 6pm
nanny arrive at 9
nap was 9-11
nanny 11-1
nap 1-3
nanny 3-4
home at 4
bedtime 9

nanny time 3 hours
My children are in college right now and they can't even remember their nannies which makes their nannies sad when they visit.

Your children napped for 4 hours per day for years on end? Come on, you know that's not true and they spent way more than 3 waking hours per day with the nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a reason for why one spouse chose not to work or works from home/at a flexible part time job? Or is this an acceptable turn of phrase?

It's an absolutely valid statement. Many of my friends didn't want their children to be raised by strangers, some had the privilege to do it themselves or get family to support while others had to send them to daycare or leave them with nannies.

It might be shocking to the SAHP crew, but have you ever considered it’s actually developmentally superior for a few hours of the day for the child not to be attached to the parent at the hip?

SAH doesn't mean the kid is attached at the hip, just like going to child care doesn't mean neglect.

I agree, which is why I don't think SAHP spend that much 1-1 time with kids, definitely not more than working parents.

I'mthe pp you quoted. I've done both, and disagree. I definitely spent more time with ds as a SAHP. Just the every day stuff like having lunch together, even running errands. We were still together and interacting. Those things couldn't happen when I was working. Although there was my SIL. A SAHP who had little to do with her kids. At 3 & 4, they generally got up on their own. Dry cereal and a sippy cup of milk was breakfast while they watched TV and SIL slept. The whole day was them entertaining themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's an insensitive thing to say because as women we are all supposed to be empathetic to the fact that no matter what women do regarding work and motherhood someone is going to judge us and we're going to feel guilty.

But also I think people say this sometimes because they are just being honest and it's how they feel. Just like I think women who go back to work actually sometimes do it because they are bored out of their minds at home with babies and want to "use their brains." I also know women who have said that they went back to work because they believe their kids are better off being raised by nannies or caregivers who are "experts" as opposed to a sahm.

All of these things will be hurtful to hear to someone who made a different choice and they are also things people actually think and feel. Women are presented with this impossible choice (if they are fortunate to even have a choice at all which most are not) and there is no answer that will ever be right for everyone so we all do this dance with each other about our choices and we offend each other constantly because there's no way for us to all validate each other and ourselves at the same time unless we all make the same choice.

But we cannot all make the same choice because we are different people with different kids and different professions and different finances and different partners and different resources.

I just try to remember all that whenever I talk to other women about this stuff and when they say things that can be viewed as an insult to my choices. They aren't really talking about me. It's just about them. And that's fine.

But why do we need to be validating our own choices to other people? DH and I made the decisions right for our family (career choices, number of kids, where to live, what schools to send them to, etc.) based on our own personal life circumstances and priorities. I am under no illusion that our choices are the “best ever” or even “better” than what other families have chosen. But I am secure we’ve made decisions that make our family happy.

I can have a conversation with another parent who made different choices than me without needing to justify/explain things in a way that belittle their choices. For instance I have a friend who is a SAHM with a big law DH. When talking to her I 100% understand why it would be logistically a nightmare for her to try to be the primary parent for 3 kids and work since he is gone long hours. Whereas I work FT but my DH also has a super flexible remote job and can help with a lot of the morning routine, shuttling kids around, etc. We can both discuss our lives and the situational decisions we’ve made without making generalized conclusions that our choice is better than the other.

I feel sorry for those who lack the ability to understand their life choices are not necessarily the best choices for others and that we do not need validate ourselves at the expense of putting down others.

This is how most well adjusted people function. The rest don't see how classless they come off putting others down and getting snippy about the decisions of others. I do think there are also genuinely unaware people who are hyper focused on their own reasons (use my brain, raise my kids) that they say it out loud without meaning to imply insult or even that someone else isn't doing that. Honestly, most of us aren't so blatant but likely don't realize all the ways we've insulted others day to day. Still, some people do mean offense and it usually doesn't sting unless you are hearing a chorus of it. Funny enough, I've been hearing one resounding sentiment but from experience on this site, other women get the flip side advised to them by their family so I can understand their defensiveness.

You're almost there. When people talk about their own decisions, they are not putting others down. Others are interpreting other people's statements as if they are reflections upon themselves when other people are just talking about themselves. It is people's insecurity and self-absorption that causes people to be offended by other people's statements about their own situations. People are not classless when they talk about their own situation. People are insecure when they are offended when other people talk about their situation.

It isn't about you.

Huh? That is absolutely not true.

My kids go to private school. I can either state that as a fact, or I can say that we sent them to private school because we wouldn't have sent them to the public schools for which we are zoned. Do you really think both statements are the same? In one I am simply stating what we chose. In another I am not only stating what we chose but also denigrating those who made a different choice.

Saying you don't work because you don't want someone else to raise your kids is clearly saying that you think people who use nannies or daycares don't raise their children.

DP here. I hear you. I’m a sahm and I do not say negative things to my working friends. They are my friends and I like and respect them.

The only time I engage in the mommy wars is online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not an acceptable turn of phrase.

But I am not offended because it shows the low character of the speaker. Just as if they had said they work FT because “I wanted to use my brain”

+1 it's a rude thing to say but I'd also roll my eyes at their myopic view

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, because it’s true, even if people don’t want to admit that’s what’s happening when children are in full-time daycare. But in polite society we avoid saying things that might hurt someone’s feelings, regardless of whether it’s truthful or not.

But it’s not truthful. My kids went to daycare, and, sure, their daycare teachers, who were all wonderful, provided care during the workday. But my spouse and I made the decisions on how to parent, which included finding great caregivers.

If your children go to daycare for 10-11 (7-6 or 7:30-5:30) hours a day for the first 4-5 years of life and sleep 10-12 hours a night then you are not spending 4-5 hours with them each day 70% of the week. How is this controversial? You are outsourcing a lot of parenting duties to other caregivers. Someone saying that they don’t want to do that is not wrong. And I’m saying this as a
full time working parent.

Does your math include weekends, holidays, and vacations? Why do naps at daycare count as daycare time but night sleeps don’t count for parents?

At least be consistent.

Yeah, when my kids were little I did the math — with 10 federal holidays, 10 sick days, 4 weeks vacation plus weekends that’s already 144 days out of the year plus I spent about 4 waking hours with them on the standard work week 25% of waking hours for day), so that works out to over half their time was spent with me plus of course I was making all the decisions about what they ate, where they lived, what books and toys they had, who their caregivers were, what medical care their received, what outside activities they engaged in, what clothes they wore, etc., etc. my oldest is in college now and I really don’t think she feels like she was raised by anyone but me and her father.

I did the math too

I woke at 6am for a feeding and was with them until 7am I was at work at 7:30, home by 4.
My H was with them from 7-9, work at 9:30, home 6pm
nanny arrive at 9
nap was 9-11
nanny 11-1
nap 1-3
nanny 3-4
home at 4
bedtime 9

nanny time 3 hours
My children are in college right now and they can't even remember their nannies which makes their nannies sad when they visit.

Your children napped for 4 hours per day for years on end? Come on, you know that's not true and they spent way more than 3 waking hours per day with the nanny.

Would you like to know their schedule when they were 3-4? Pick any age.

My work schedule was 6-3:30 2x a week, 6-12:30 and 1:30-3 during nap.


Wake 8am
Dad got them ready for preschool
Preschool 9-1, nap 1:30-3
3 days a week I did pickup, 2 days my neighbor did …
1-1:30 lunch
1:30 -3 nap
3-4 play with friend
4pm pu
4-9 time with kids

3-4 kids play
4 kids go to their homes.
Home

Did u home school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a reason for why one spouse chose not to work or works from home/at a flexible part time job? Or is this an acceptable turn of phrase?

It's an absolutely valid statement. Many of my friends didn't want their children to be raised by strangers, some had the privilege to do it themselves or get family to support while others had to send them to daycare or leave them with nannies.

It might be shocking to the SAHP crew, but have you ever considered it’s actually developmentally superior for a few hours of the day for the child not to be attached to the parent at the hip?

SAH doesn't mean the kid is attached at the hip, just like going to child care doesn't mean neglect.

I agree, which is why I don't think SAHP spend that much 1-1 time with kids, definitely not more than working parents.

I'mthe pp you quoted. I've done both, and disagree. I definitely spent more time with ds as a SAHP. Just the every day stuff like having lunch together, even running errands. We were still together and interacting. Those things couldn't happen when I was working. Although there was my SIL. A SAHP who had little to do with her kids. At 3 & 4, they generally got up on their own. Dry cereal and a sippy cup of milk was breakfast while they watched TV and SIL slept. The whole day was them entertaining themselves.

Not really … your kids went to preschool right?

You weren't interacting 7 hours a day.

[Anonymous]

Yet another thread disparaging working women. I have to work because my DH has been laid off twice in three years. I need to focus on my career to ensure I can support myself and my kids. These posts by SAHMs with rich husbands who provide for them are hurtful and make me feel guilty all over again that my kids are now at daycare. Just stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a reason for why one spouse chose not to work or works from home/at a flexible part time job? Or is this an acceptable turn of phrase?

It's an absolutely valid statement. Many of my friends didn't want their children to be raised by strangers, some had the privilege to do it themselves or get family to support while others had to send them to daycare or leave them with nannies.

It might be shocking to the SAHP crew, but have you ever considered it’s actually developmentally superior for a few hours of the day for the child not to be attached to the parent at the hip?

SAH doesn't mean the kid is attached at the hip, just like going to child care doesn't mean neglect.

I agree, which is why I don't think SAHP spend that much 1-1 time with kids, definitely not more than working parents.

I'mthe pp you quoted. I've done both, and disagree. I definitely spent more time with ds as a SAHP. Just the every day stuff like having lunch together, even running errands. We were still together and interacting. Those things couldn't happen when I was working. Although there was my SIL. A SAHP who had little to do with her kids. At 3 & 4, they generally got up on their own. Dry cereal and a sippy cup of milk was breakfast while they watched TV and SIL slept. The whole day was them entertaining themselves.

Not really … your kids went to preschool right?

You weren't interacting 7 hours a day.

I’m not the pp but I absolutely interacted with my child 7 hours per day. I have 3 kids. My older two went to daycare/extended care when I worked. I stopped working when I had my third child. You spend more time with your child when you don’t work. I’m not sure what you are arguing. Not every hour is quality time but you spend more time. You are embarrassing yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a reason for why one spouse chose not to work or works from home/at a flexible part time job? Or is this an acceptable turn of phrase?

It's an absolutely valid statement. Many of my friends didn't want their children to be raised by strangers, some had the privilege to do it themselves or get family to support while others had to send them to daycare or leave them with nannies.

It might be shocking to the SAHP crew, but have you ever considered it’s actually developmentally superior for a few hours of the day for the child not to be attached to the parent at the hip?

SAH doesn't mean the kid is attached at the hip, just like going to child care doesn't mean neglect.

I agree, which is why I don't think SAHP spend that much 1-1 time with kids, definitely not more than working parents.

I'mthe pp you quoted. I've done both, and disagree. I definitely spent more time with ds as a SAHP. Just the every day stuff like having lunch together, even running errands. We were still together and interacting. Those things couldn't happen when I was working. Although there was my SIL. A SAHP who had little to do with her kids. At 3 & 4, they generally got up on their own. Dry cereal and a sippy cup of milk was breakfast while they watched TV and SIL slept. The whole day was them entertaining themselves.

Not really … your kids went to preschool right?

You weren't interacting 7 hours a day.

I’m not the pp but I absolutely interacted with my child 7 hours per day. I have 3 kids. My older two went to daycare/extended care when I worked. I stopped working when I had my third child. You spend more time with your child when you don’t work. I’m not sure what you are arguing. Not every hour is quality time but you spend more time. You are embarrassing yourself.

I spend 6 hours with my children and work so I'm not sure why you need to prove you spend more time with your kids to justify staying home. You stay home, own it, don't make up some crazy justification and my H spends just as much time so that is 12 hours of parental time with our kids.

How about your H how much time does he spend with the kids a day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a reason for why one spouse chose not to work or works from home/at a flexible part time job? Or is this an acceptable turn of phrase?

It's an absolutely valid statement. Many of my friends didn't want their children to be raised by strangers, some had the privilege to do it themselves or get family to support while others had to send them to daycare or leave them with nannies.

It might be shocking to the SAHP crew, but have you ever considered it’s actually developmentally superior for a few hours of the day for the child not to be attached to the parent at the hip?

SAH doesn't mean the kid is attached at the hip, just like going to child care doesn't mean neglect.

I agree, which is why I don't think SAHP spend that much 1-1 time with kids, definitely not more than working parents.

I'mthe pp you quoted. I've done both, and disagree. I definitely spent more time with ds as a SAHP. Just the every day stuff like having lunch together, even running errands. We were still together and interacting. Those things couldn't happen when I was working. Although there was my SIL. A SAHP who had little to do with her kids. At 3 & 4, they generally got up on their own. Dry cereal and a sippy cup of milk was breakfast while they watched TV and SIL slept. The whole day was them entertaining themselves.

Not really … your kids went to preschool right?

You weren't interacting 7 hours a day.

I’m not the pp but I absolutely interacted with my child 7 hours per day. I have 3 kids. My older two went to daycare/extended care when I worked. I stopped working when I had my third child. You spend more time with your child when you don’t work. I’m not sure what you are arguing. Not every hour is quality time but you spend more time. You are embarrassing yourself.

+1. When you are a SAHP your kid goes with you everywhere. I've done both. There are pros and cons to each, but, I definitely spent more time with my kids when I was a SAHP vs. a working parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a reason for why one spouse chose not to work or works from home/at a flexible part time job? Or is this an acceptable turn of phrase?

It's an absolutely valid statement. Many of my friends didn't want their children to be raised by strangers, some had the privilege to do it themselves or get family to support while others had to send them to daycare or leave them with nannies.

It might be shocking to the SAHP crew, but have you ever considered it’s actually developmentally superior for a few hours of the day for the child not to be attached to the parent at the hip?

SAH doesn't mean the kid is attached at the hip, just like going to child care doesn't mean neglect.

I agree, which is why I don't think SAHP spend that much 1-1 time with kids, definitely not more than working parents.

I'mthe pp you quoted. I've done both, and disagree. I definitely spent more time with ds as a SAHP. Just the every day stuff like having lunch together, even running errands. We were still together and interacting. Those things couldn't happen when I was working. Although there was my SIL. A SAHP who had little to do with her kids. At 3 & 4, they generally got up on their own. Dry cereal and a sippy cup of milk was breakfast while they watched TV and SIL slept. The whole day was them entertaining themselves.

Not really … your kids went to preschool right?

You weren't interacting 7 hours a day.

Only one went to preschool, 2 half days. I wasn't home with the the other one, he was in full time daycare. Which is how I know that I, personally, spent more time with my child as a SAHP than a working parent.

I'm not sure how you can say "not really" when I'm telling you from my personal experience.

[Anonymous]

Pp again. My older kids are now teens and thriving despite going to daycare. I had a ton of mom guilt when they were younger. I hated sending them when they were sick. I hated putting them in summer camp (daycare) all summer besides 1 vacation. We would normally do 3 vacations per year including a visit to my parents. I had to cover all those breaks and teacher work days with camps.

[Anonymous]

Nod, ignore, avoid. They are not your friend.