Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I said, I want to be the primary caregiver as a reason behind my choose to stay home, would that be offensive?

There is a saying in the medical field "the care of the patient is in the care of the patient" and I think that the same is true of children. Pumping breast milk and having a third party give it to your child is not the same as nursing your baby. The same way that you can't care for a patient with the same efficacy via email.

So dads aren't parents? Adoptive parents aren't parents? Women who can't breastfeed for whatever reason aren't parents?

The difference between emailing a patient and seeing them in person is in no way related to the difference between bottle and breastfeeding a child. You're a moron.

I'd welcome a well thought out written in email care plan than the in person i'm too busy to talk to your nonsense I usually get... TBH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My coworker said that his wife is staying home because she “likes spending time with her kids.” I was hurt.

Someone I went to college with said she quit her job because she liked her kids more than her work. Ok, so do probably all of us? People are stupid sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, because it’s true, even if people don’t want to admit that’s what’s happening when children are in full-time daycare. But in polite society we avoid saying things that might hurt someone’s feelings, regardless of whether it’s truthful or not.

But it’s not truthful. My kids went to daycare, and, sure, their daycare teachers, who were all wonderful, provided care during the workday. But my spouse and I made the decisions on how to parent, which included finding great caregivers.

If your children go to daycare for 10-11 (7-6 or 7:30-5:30) hours a day for the first 4-5 years of life and sleep 10-12 hours a night then you are not spending 4-5 hours with them each day 70% of the week. How is this controversial? You are outsourcing a lot of parenting duties to other caregivers. Someone saying that they don’t want to do that is not wrong. And I’m saying this as a full time working parent.

I actually did the math with my neighbor who was a SAHM and I did spend more 1-1 time with my kids than she did.

1st. My H's time counted and I know many of SAHP's who are the 1st to tell you that their H does nothing, works late, travels a lot.
2nd: She did not take into account napping, time in front of TV, time they were in the basement playing and she was futzing around.

I don't think a SAHP should be connected at the hip and I think that independent time is valuable but the reality is she was not spending more 1-1 time with her child than I was.

Whether you are currently working or staying home, I hope you aren't tutoring your DC in math.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's an insensitive thing to say because as women we are all supposed to be empathetic to the fact that no matter what women do regarding work and motherhood someone is going to judge us and we're going to feel guilty.

But also I think people say this sometimes because they are just being honest and it's how they feel. Just like I think women who go back to work actually sometimes do it because they are bored out of their minds at home with babies and want to "use their brains." I also know women who have said that they went back to work because they believe their kids are better off being raised by nannies or caregivers who are "experts" as opposed to a sahm.

All of these things will be hurtful to hear to someone who made a different choice and they are also things people actually think and feel. Women are presented with this impossible choice (if they are fortunate to even have a choice at all which most are not) and there is no answer that will ever be right for everyone so we all do this dance with each other about our choices and we offend each other constantly because there's no way for us to all validate each other and ourselves at the same time unless we all make the same choice.

But we cannot all make the same choice because we are different people with different kids and different professions and different finances and different partners and different resources.

I just try to remember all that whenever I talk to other women about this stuff and when they say things that can be viewed as an insult to my choices. They aren't really talking about me. It's just about them. And that's fine.

But why do we need to be validating our own choices to other people? DH and I made the decisions right for our family (career choices, number of kids, where to live, what schools to send them to, etc.) based on our own personal life circumstances and priorities. I am under no illusion that our choices are the “best ever” or even “better” than what other families have chosen. But I am secure we’ve made decisions that make our family happy.

I can have a conversation with another parent who made different choices than me without needing to justify/explain things in a way that belittle their choices. For instance I have a friend who is a SAHM with a big law DH. When talking to her I 100% understand why it would be logistically a nightmare for her to try to be the primary parent for 3 kids and work since he is gone long hours. Whereas I work FT but my DH also has a super flexible remote job and can help with a lot of the morning routine, shuttling kids around, etc. We can both discuss our lives and the situational decisions we’ve made without making generalized conclusions that our choice is better than the other.

I feel sorry for those who lack the ability to understand their life choices are not necessarily the best choices for others and that we do not need validate ourselves at the expense of putting down others.

This is how most well adjusted people function. The rest don't see how classless they come off putting others down and getting snippy about the decisions of others. I do think there are also genuinely unaware people who are hyper focused on their own reasons (use my brain, raise my kids) that they say it out loud without meaning to imply insult or even that someone else isn't doing that. Honestly, most of us aren't so blatant but likely don't realize all the ways we've insulted others day to day. Still, some people do mean offense and it usually doesn't sting unless you are hearing a chorus of it. Funny enough, I've been hearing one resounding sentiment but from experience on this site, other women get the flip side advised to them by their family so I can understand their defensiveness.

You're almost there. When people talk about their own decisions, they are not putting others down. Others are interpreting other people's statements as if they are reflections upon themselves when other people are just talking about themselves. It is people's insecurity and self-absorption that causes people to be offended by other people's statements about their own situations. People are not classless when they talk about their own situation. People are insecure when they are offended when other people talk about their situation.

It isn't about you.

Huh? That is absolutely not true.

My kids go to private school. I can either state that as a fact, or I can say that we sent them to private school because we wouldn't have sent them to the public schools for which we are zoned. Do you really think both statements are the same? In one I am simply stating what we chose. In another I am not only stating what we chose but also denigrating those who made a different choice.

Saying you don't work because you don't want someone else to raise your kids is clearly saying that you think people who use nannies or daycares don't raise their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I said, I want to be the primary caregiver as a reason behind my choose to stay home, would that be offensive?

There is a saying in the medical field "the care of the patient is in the care of the patient" and I think that the same is true of children. Pumping breast milk and having a third party give it to your child is not the same as nursing your baby. The same way that you can't care for a patient with the same efficacy via email.

So dads aren't parents? Adoptive parents aren't parents? Women who can't breastfeed for whatever reason aren't parents?

The difference between emailing a patient and seeing them in person is in no way related to the difference between bottle and breastfeeding a child. You're a moron.

I appreciate that this person said “medical field” not physician, but there is a reason I don’t take physician statements as gospel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's an insensitive thing to say because as women we are all supposed to be empathetic to the fact that no matter what women do regarding work and motherhood someone is going to judge us and we're going to feel guilty.

But also I think people say this sometimes because they are just being honest and it's how they feel. Just like I think women who go back to work actually sometimes do it because they are bored out of their minds at home with babies and want to "use their brains." I also know women who have said that they went back to work because they believe their kids are better off being raised by nannies or caregivers who are "experts" as opposed to a sahm.

All of these things will be hurtful to hear to someone who made a different choice and they are also things people actually think and feel. Women are presented with this impossible choice (if they are fortunate to even have a choice at all which most are not) and there is no answer that will ever be right for everyone so we all do this dance with each other about our choices and we offend each other constantly because there's no way for us to all validate each other and ourselves at the same time unless we all make the same choice.

But we cannot all make the same choice because we are different people with different kids and different professions and different finances and different partners and different resources.

I just try to remember all that whenever I talk to other women about this stuff and when they say things that can be viewed as an insult to my choices. They aren't really talking about me. It's just about them. And that's fine.

But why do we need to be validating our own choices to other people? DH and I made the decisions right for our family (career choices, number of kids, where to live, what schools to send them to, etc.) based on our own personal life circumstances and priorities. I am under no illusion that our choices are the “best ever” or even “better” than what other families have chosen. But I am secure we’ve made decisions that make our family happy.

I can have a conversation with another parent who made different choices than me without needing to justify/explain things in a way that belittle their choices. For instance I have a friend who is a SAHM with a big law DH. When talking to her I 100% understand why it would be logistically a nightmare for her to try to be the primary parent for 3 kids and work since he is gone long hours. Whereas I work FT but my DH also has a super flexible remote job and can help with a lot of the morning routine, shuttling kids around, etc. We can both discuss our lives and the situational decisions we’ve made without making generalized conclusions that our choice is better than the other.

I feel sorry for those who lack the ability to understand their life choices are not necessarily the best choices for others and that we do not need validate ourselves at the expense of putting down others.

This is how most well adjusted people function. The rest don't see how classless they come off putting others down and getting snippy about the decisions of others. I do think there are also genuinely unaware people who are hyper focused on their own reasons (use my brain, raise my kids) that they say it out loud without meaning to imply insult or even that someone else isn't doing that. Honestly, most of us aren't so blatant but likely don't realize all the ways we've insulted others day to day. Still, some people do mean offense and it usually doesn't sting unless you are hearing a chorus of it. Funny enough, I've been hearing one resounding sentiment but from experience on this site, other women get the flip side advised to them by their family so I can understand their defensiveness.

You're almost there. When people talk about their own decisions, they are not putting others down. Others are interpreting other people's statements as if they are reflections upon themselves when other people are just talking about themselves. It is people's insecurity and self-absorption that causes people to be offended by other people's statements about their own situations. People are not classless when they talk about their own situation. People are insecure when they are offended when other people talk about their situation.

It isn't about you.

Huh? That is absolutely not true.

My kids go to private school. I can either state that as a fact, or I can say that we sent them to private school because we wouldn't have sent them to the public schools for which we are zoned. Do you really think both statements are the same? In one I am simply stating what we chose. In another I am not only stating what we chose but also denigrating those who made a different choice.

Saying you don't work because you don't want someone else to raise your kids is clearly saying that you think people who use nannies or daycares don't raise their children.

Nope. When I say that we chose to put our kids in the local public school because we think it's better for them than the expensive private school, I am not denigrating your decision. When I say that you are doing your kids a disservice by sending them to private school, as well as wasting a lot of money, that is denigrating your decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My coworker said that his wife is staying home because she “likes spending time with her kids.” I was hurt.

Someone I went to college with said she quit her job because she liked her kids more than her work. Ok, so do probably all of us? People are stupid sometimes.

What would have made feel better? I like my kids better than work and my husband makes a lot of money so the money from the job I like less than kids doesn’t matter?

Just as some people are insulting, some people are very sensitive on this issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's an insensitive thing to say because as women we are all supposed to be empathetic to the fact that no matter what women do regarding work and motherhood someone is going to judge us and we're going to feel guilty.

But also I think people say this sometimes because they are just being honest and it's how they feel. Just like I think women who go back to work actually sometimes do it because they are bored out of their minds at home with babies and want to "use their brains." I also know women who have said that they went back to work because they believe their kids are better off being raised by nannies or caregivers who are "experts" as opposed to a sahm.

All of these things will be hurtful to hear to someone who made a different choice and they are also things people actually think and feel. Women are presented with this impossible choice (if they are fortunate to even have a choice at all which most are not) and there is no answer that will ever be right for everyone so we all do this dance with each other about our choices and we offend each other constantly because there's no way for us to all validate each other and ourselves at the same time unless we all make the same choice.

But we cannot all make the same choice because we are different people with different kids and different professions and different finances and different partners and different resources.

I just try to remember all that whenever I talk to other women about this stuff and when they say things that can be viewed as an insult to my choices. They aren't really talking about me. It's just about them. And that's fine.

But why do we need to be validating our own choices to other people? DH and I made the decisions right for our family (career choices, number of kids, where to live, what schools to send them to, etc.) based on our own personal life circumstances and priorities. I am under no illusion that our choices are the “best ever” or even “better” than what other families have chosen. But I am secure we’ve made decisions that make our family happy.

I can have a conversation with another parent who made different choices than me without needing to justify/explain things in a way that belittle their choices. For instance I have a friend who is a SAHM with a big law DH. When talking to her I 100% understand why it would be logistically a nightmare for her to try to be the primary parent for 3 kids and work since he is gone long hours. Whereas I work FT but my DH also has a super flexible remote job and can help with a lot of the morning routine, shuttling kids around, etc. We can both discuss our lives and the situational decisions we’ve made without making generalized conclusions that our choice is better than the other.

I feel sorry for those who lack the ability to understand their life choices are not necessarily the best choices for others and that we do not need validate ourselves at the expense of putting down others.

This is how most well adjusted people function. The rest don't see how classless they come off putting others down and getting snippy about the decisions of others. I do think there are also genuinely unaware people who are hyper focused on their own reasons (use my brain, raise my kids) that they say it out loud without meaning to imply insult or even that someone else isn't doing that. Honestly, most of us aren't so blatant but likely don't realize all the ways we've insulted others day to day. Still, some people do mean offense and it usually doesn't sting unless you are hearing a chorus of it. Funny enough, I've been hearing one resounding sentiment but from experience on this site, other women get the flip side advised to them by their family so I can understand their defensiveness.

You're almost there. When people talk about their own decisions, they are not putting others down. Others are interpreting other people's statements as if they are reflections upon themselves when other people are just talking about themselves. It is people's insecurity and self-absorption that causes people to be offended by other people's statements about their own situations. People are not classless when they talk about their own situation. People are insecure when they are offended when other people talk about their situation.

It isn't about you.

Huh? That is absolutely not true.

My kids go to private school. I can either state that as a fact, or I can say that we sent them to private school because we wouldn't have sent them to the public schools for which we are zoned. Do you really think both statements are the same? In one I am simply stating what we chose. In another I am not only stating what we chose but also denigrating those who made a different choice.

Saying you don't work because you don't want someone else to raise your kids is clearly saying that you think people who use nannies or daycares don't raise their children.

Nope. When I say that we chose to put our kids in the local public school because we think it's better for them than the expensive private school, I am not denigrating your decision. When I say that you are doing your kids a disservice by sending them to private school, as well as wasting a lot of money, that is denigrating your decision.

DP. You too actually seem to be I agreement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, because it’s true, even if people don’t want to admit that’s what’s happening when children are in full-time daycare. But in polite society we avoid saying things that might hurt someone’s feelings, regardless of whether it’s truthful or not.

But it’s not truthful. My kids went to daycare, and, sure, their daycare teachers, who were all wonderful, provided care during the workday. But my spouse and I made the decisions on how to parent, which included finding great caregivers.

If your children go to daycare for 10-11 (7-6 or 7:30-5:30) hours a day for the first 4-5 years of life and sleep 10-12 hours a night then you are not spending 4-5 hours with them each day 70% of the week. How is this controversial? You are outsourcing a lot of parenting duties to other caregivers. Someone saying that they don’t want to do that is not wrong. And I’m saying this as a full time working parent.

I actually did the math with my neighbor who was a SAHM and I did spend more 1-1 time with my kids than she did.

1st. My H's time counted and I know many of SAHP's who are the 1st to tell you that their H does nothing, works late, travels a lot.
2nd: She did not take into account napping, time in front of TV, time they were in the basement playing and she was futzing around.

I don't think a SAHP should be connected at the hip and I think that independent time is valuable but the reality is she was not spending more 1-1 time with her child than I was.

Whether you are currently working or staying home, I hope you aren't tutoring your DC in math.

Oh did I hurt your feelings to learn I might spend more quality time with my kids than you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's an insensitive thing to say because as women we are all supposed to be empathetic to the fact that no matter what women do regarding work and motherhood someone is going to judge us and we're going to feel guilty.

But also I think people say this sometimes because they are just being honest and it's how they feel. Just like I think women who go back to work actually sometimes do it because they are bored out of their minds at home with babies and want to "use their brains." I also know women who have said that they went back to work because they believe their kids are better off being raised by nannies or caregivers who are "experts" as opposed to a sahm.

All of these things will be hurtful to hear to someone who made a different choice and they are also things people actually think and feel. Women are presented with this impossible choice (if they are fortunate to even have a choice at all which most are not) and there is no answer that will ever be right for everyone so we all do this dance with each other about our choices and we offend each other constantly because there's no way for us to all validate each other and ourselves at the same time unless we all make the same choice.

But we cannot all make the same choice because we are different people with different kids and different professions and different finances and different partners and different resources.

I just try to remember all that whenever I talk to other women about this stuff and when they say things that can be viewed as an insult to my choices. They aren't really talking about me. It's just about them. And that's fine.

But why do we need to be validating our own choices to other people? DH and I made the decisions right for our family (career choices, number of kids, where to live, what schools to send them to, etc.) based on our own personal life circumstances and priorities. I am under no illusion that our choices are the “best ever” or even “better” than what other families have chosen. But I am secure we’ve made decisions that make our family happy.

I can have a conversation with another parent who made different choices than me without needing to justify/explain things in a way that belittle their choices. For instance I have a friend who is a SAHM with a big law DH. When talking to her I 100% understand why it would be logistically a nightmare for her to try to be the primary parent for 3 kids and work since he is gone long hours. Whereas I work FT but my DH also has a super flexible remote job and can help with a lot of the morning routine, shuttling kids around, etc. We can both discuss our lives and the situational decisions we’ve made without making generalized conclusions that our choice is better than the other.

I feel sorry for those who lack the ability to understand their life choices are not necessarily the best choices for others and that we do not need validate ourselves at the expense of putting down others.

This is how most well adjusted people function. The rest don't see how classless they come off putting others down and getting snippy about the decisions of others. I do think there are also genuinely unaware people who are hyper focused on their own reasons (use my brain, raise my kids) that they say it out loud without meaning to imply insult or even that someone else isn't doing that. Honestly, most of us aren't so blatant but likely don't realize all the ways we've insulted others day to day. Still, some people do mean offense and it usually doesn't sting unless you are hearing a chorus of it. Funny enough, I've been hearing one resounding sentiment but from experience on this site, other women get the flip side advised to them by their family so I can understand their defensiveness.

You're almost there. When people talk about their own decisions, they are not putting others down. Others are interpreting other people's statements as if they are reflections upon themselves when other people are just talking about themselves. It is people's insecurity and self-absorption that causes people to be offended by other people's statements about their own situations. People are not classless when they talk about their own situation. People are insecure when they are offended when other people talk about their situation.

It isn't about you.

Huh? That is absolutely not true.

My kids go to private school. I can either state that as a fact, or I can say that we sent them to private school because we wouldn't have sent them to the public schools for which we are zoned. Do you really think both statements are the same? In one I am simply stating what we chose. In another I am not only stating what we chose but also denigrating those who made a different choice.

Saying you don't work because you don't want someone else to raise your kids is clearly saying that you think people who use nannies or daycares don't raise their children.

Nope. When I say that we chose to put our kids in the local public school because we think it's better for them than the expensive private school, I am not denigrating your decision. When I say that you are doing your kids a disservice by sending them to private school, as well as wasting a lot of money, that is denigrating your decision.

Communication 101 ... You should just say this...

we chose to put our kids in the local public school

this is a little defensive

we chose to put our kids in the local public school because we think it's better for them

this is passive agressive

we chose to put our kids in the local public school because we think it's better for them than the expensive private school

It's funny that people don't understand basic communication

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, because it’s true, even if people don’t want to admit that’s what’s happening when children are in full-time daycare. But in polite society we avoid saying things that might hurt someone’s feelings, regardless of whether it’s truthful or not.

But it’s not truthful. My kids went to daycare, and, sure, their daycare teachers, who were all wonderful, provided care during the workday. But my spouse and I made the decisions on how to parent, which included finding great caregivers.

If your children go to daycare for 10-11 (7-6 or 7:30-5:30) hours a day for the first 4-5 years of life and sleep 10-12 hours a night then you are not spending 4-5 hours with them each day 70% of the week. How is this controversial? You are outsourcing a lot of parenting duties to other caregivers. Someone saying that they don’t want to do that is not wrong. And I’m saying this as a
full time working parent.

Does your math include weekends, holidays, and vacations? Why do naps at daycare count as daycare time but night sleeps don’t count for parents?

At least be consistent.

Yeah, when my kids were little I did the math — with 10 federal holidays, 10 sick days, 4 weeks vacation plus weekends that’s already 144 days out of the year plus I spent about 4 waking hours with them on the standard work week 25% of waking hours for day), so that works out to over half their time was spent with me plus of course I was making all the decisions about what they ate, where they lived, what books and toys they had, who their caregivers were, what medical care their received, what outside activities they engaged in, what clothes they wore, etc., etc. my oldest is in college now and I really don’t think she feels like she was raised by anyone but me and her father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s rude and it’s typically sexist. The women who say it would certainly never say that their husbands aren’t raising their children, and would not say to a professional man with a SAH spouse that they stay at home so they can raise their children.

(though they might say something like “because I love being with my children” which is a statement about themselves and not about the moral value of the decision)

Internalized misogyny is real, and it’s sad.

This is true - my kids had a stay at home dad with a nanny to help out and several women at the kids school said this to me even though they had a SAHP. Plus when I wasn't working I was 100% present with the kids, no me hobbies, etc.. when they were little.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t say I’m offended but it’s extremely rude.

I do feel bad for the kids because it signals to me the mother is very controlling. Controlling mothers say things like that and think they own their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My coworker said that his wife is staying home because she “likes spending time with her kids.” I was hurt.

Someone I went to college with said she quit her job because she liked her kids more than her work. Ok, so do probably all of us? People are stupid sometimes.

I love my kids more than my job, but being at my job is often a lot easier than being with my kids. A lot of people feel this way (especially if you have high needs/special needs kids).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, because it’s true, even if people don’t want to admit that’s what’s happening when children are in full-time daycare. But in polite society we avoid saying things that might hurt someone’s feelings, regardless of whether it’s truthful or not.

But it’s not truthful. My kids went to daycare, and, sure, their daycare teachers, who were all wonderful, provided care during the workday. But my spouse and I made the decisions on how to parent, which included finding great caregivers.

If your children go to daycare for 10-11 (7-6 or 7:30-5:30) hours a day for the first 4-5 years of life and sleep 10-12 hours a night then you are not spending 4-5 hours with them each day 70% of the week. How is this controversial? You are outsourcing a lot of parenting duties to other caregivers. Someone saying that they don’t want to do that is not wrong. And I’m saying this as a
full time working parent.

Does your math include weekends, holidays, and vacations? Why do naps at daycare count as daycare time but night sleeps don’t count for parents?

At least be consistent.

Yeah, when my kids were little I did the math — with 10 federal holidays, 10 sick days, 4 weeks vacation plus weekends that’s already 144 days out of the year plus I spent about 4 waking hours with them on the standard work week 25% of waking hours for day), so that works out to over half their time was spent with me plus of course I was making all the decisions about what they ate, where they lived, what books and toys they had, who their caregivers were, what medical care their received, what outside activities they engaged in, what clothes they wore, etc., etc. my oldest is in college now and I really don’t think she feels like she was raised by anyone but me and her father.

I did the math too

I woke at 6am for a feeding and was with them until 7am I was at work at 7:30, home by 4.
My H was with them from 7-9, work at 9:30, home 6pm
nanny arrive at 9
nap was 9-11
nanny 11-1
nap 1-3
nanny 3-4
home at 4
bedtime 9

nanny time 3 hours
My children are in college right now and they can't even remember their nannies which makes their nannies sad when they visit.