Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?

[Anonymous]

As a reason for why one spouse chose not to work or works from home/at a flexible part time job? Or is this an acceptable turn of phrase?

[Anonymous]

It is not an acceptable turn of phrase.

But I am not offended because it shows the low character of the speaker. Just as if they had said they work FT because “I wanted to use my brain”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not an acceptable turn of phrase.

But I am not offended because it shows the low character of the speaker. Just as if they had said they work FT because “I wanted to use my brain”

+1 it's a rude thing to say but I'd also roll my eyes at their myopic view

[Anonymous]

I only say that in response to people who constantly think they’re the only ones who are busy and imply my life is so relaxing compared to theirs because they work.

But also, it’s the truth. I don’t work because I wanted to raise my kids. PhD scientist here so don’t worry about my brain, it’s doing just fine.

[Anonymous]

I get it, because it’s true, even if people don’t want to admit that’s what’s happening when children are in full-time daycare. But in polite society we avoid saying things that might hurt someone’s feelings, regardless of whether it’s truthful or not.

[Anonymous]

So rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it, because it’s true, even if people don’t want to admit that’s what’s happening when children are in full-time daycare. But in polite society we avoid saying things that might hurt someone’s feelings, regardless of whether it’s truthful or not.

But it’s not truthful. My kids went to daycare, and, sure, their daycare teachers, who were all wonderful, provided care during the workday. But my spouse and I made the decisions on how to parent, which included finding great caregivers.

[Anonymous]

I agree that it’s rude and I think people will say whatever they need to say to make themselves feel ok about their choice. I’m not offended though because it’s just such a ridiculous thing to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only say that in response to people who constantly think they’re the only ones who are busy and imply my life is so relaxing compared to theirs because they work.

But also, it’s the truth. I don’t work because I wanted to raise my kids. PhD scientist here so don’t worry about my brain, it’s doing just fine.

It's rude, sure. But surely you don't actually believe you are using your intellectual capabilities to the same degree that you would be/were prior to staying home with kids? I know that I felt very unchallenged in many areas, mostly intellectual, and completely overwhelmed in others.

[Anonymous]

Somehow we don't say that to parents when their kids are in elementary school, but apparently using childcare before K is abandoning your kids. OK.

I don't get offended per se, but I know that means I'm talking to someone who's either judging me as an absent mom, or is just so tone deaf that she (in my experience women only say this to other women) didn't even think about the other person in the conversation. So it does impact my opinion of them a little.

[Anonymous]

It's an insensitive thing to say because as women we are all supposed to be empathetic to the fact that no matter what women do regarding work and motherhood someone is going to judge us and we're going to feel guilty.

But also I think people say this sometimes because they are just being honest and it's how they feel. Just like I think women who go back to work actually sometimes do it because they are bored out of their minds at home with babies and want to "use their brains." I also know women who have said that they went back to work because they believe their kids are better off being raised by nannies or caregivers who are "experts" as opposed to a sahm.

All of these things will be hurtful to hear to someone who made a different choice and they are also things people actually think and feel. Women are presented with this impossible choice (if they are fortunate to even have a choice at all which most are not) and there is no answer that will ever be right for everyone so we all do this dance with each other about our choices and we offend each other constantly because there's no way for us to all validate each other and ourselves at the same time unless we all make the same choice.

But we cannot all make the same choice because we are different people with different kids and different professions and different finances and different partners and different resources.

I just try to remember all that whenever I talk to other women about this stuff and when they say things that can be viewed as an insult to my choices. They aren't really talking about me. It's just about them. And that's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a reason for why one spouse chose not to work or works from home/at a flexible part time job? Or is this an acceptable turn of phrase?

It's an absolutely valid statement. Many of my friends didn't want their children to be raised by strangers, some had the privilege to do it themselves or get family to support while others had to send them to daycare or leave them with nannies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not an acceptable turn of phrase.

But I am not offended because it shows the low character of the speaker. Just as if they had said they work FT because “I wanted to use my brain”

+1 it's a rude thing to say but I'd also roll my eyes at their myopic view

And your view here isn't myopic at all or is it that you used eyes and they used words but both judging each other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I only say that in response to people who constantly think they’re the only ones who are busy and imply my life is so relaxing compared to theirs because they work.

But also, it’s the truth. I don’t work because I wanted to raise my kids. PhD scientist here so don’t worry about my brain, it’s doing just fine.

This is hilarious. You are feeling insecure and lashing out because someone called you… relaxed? Is it a badge of honor to be extremely busy? Chill out, lean into the relaxation!

I am a working mom who is fairly relaxed thanks to a flexible job, hands-on spouse, and local grandparents. I know I have it darn good and whenever someone tells me I’m so lucky I own it. I would never retaliate.

[Anonymous]

No, because its true.