Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?

[Anonymous]

I would ask them what choices most people actually get? Inflation is too high, job market too weak and marriages too fragile for a young mother to risk it all to stay home. On top of that judgement of the society for wanting to eaise your babies yourself would be a very sour cherry on the top.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a reason for why one spouse chose not to work or works from home/at a flexible part time job? Or is this an acceptable turn of phrase?

It's an absolutely valid statement. Many of my friends didn't want their children to be raised by strangers, some had the privilege to do it themselves or get family to support while others had to send them to daycare or leave them with nannies.

Your use of the bolded phrase above tells me everything I need to know.

Not everyone is working just because they couldn't afford to stay home.

[Anonymous]

I’m not offended at all. Someone just said this to me and I said, oh I’m thrilled to drop my kids at daycare every day. Love my nice quiet office and my job. And yep I don’t even WFH.

I don’t feel insecure about it at all though. I think it offends you if you feel insecure about your own choices. I know myself and I’d be unhappy and therefore not a great parent if I was with my kids 24-7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, because it’s true, even if people don’t want to admit that’s what’s happening when children are in full-time daycare. But in polite society we avoid saying things that might hurt someone’s feelings, regardless of whether it’s truthful or not.

But it’s not truthful. My kids went to daycare, and, sure, their daycare teachers, who were all wonderful, provided care during the workday. But my spouse and I made the decisions on how to parent, which included finding great caregivers.

I personally think it’s beyond rude (and just plain ungrateful) not to acknowledge that the people who are with your kids for the majority of their waking hours are, at a minimum, helping you raise them. But the reality is, you’re helping *them* raise your kids. Nights and weekends.

And I say this as a mom who had three kids in full time daycare. Those ladies did a fabulous job.

[Anonymous]

No, because it says more about them than they know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not offended at all. Someone just said this to me and I said, oh I’m thrilled to drop my kids at daycare every day. Love my nice quiet office and my job. And yep I don’t even WFH.

I don’t feel insecure about it at all though. I think it offends you if you feel insecure about your own choices. I know myself and I’d be unhappy and therefore not a great parent if I was with my kids 24-7.

This.

Yes, I stayed home and then worked part-time (IP law can be wonderfully flexible) for his reason, although I don't usually say it out loud. Other women make other choices. When you're insecure, other people's comments are hurtful. When you're secure in your decisions, other people's comments are not. But almost all parents of babies and young children are insecure. It takes time and experience to grow out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a reason for why one spouse chose not to work or works from home/at a flexible part time job? Or is this an acceptable turn of phrase?

It's an absolutely valid statement. Many of my friends didn't want their children to be raised by strangers, some had the privilege to do it themselves or get family to support while others had to send them to daycare or leave them with nannies.

Your use of the bolded phrase above tells me everything I need to know.

Not everyone is working just because they couldn't afford to stay home.

Your use of the bolded phrase above tells me everything I need to know.

[Anonymous]

Nah, I just pity them because I know they must be insecure about their SAHM choices and bored with sitting home with their kids and needing to justify their decisions. Yes, I have less time with my kids because I WOH, but I still raise them.

[Anonymous]

They are talking about their own feelings. Unless it is said in some kind of judgment of you (like in response to you saying you work, they say "oh well I didn't want someone else to raise my kids") - that's rude.

But if they are talking about their own choice then it's just how they felt. They are being tone deaf in not thinking about how it will sound to you as a working mom but it's not an attack.

I wound up quiting my job after my DD was born because I did not like the idea of working at a job I didn't like that much, with colleagues I didn't like that well and who didn't feel important to me personally, and then paying someone else to be with my DD. I would not phrase this as someone else "raising my kid" but hearing that phrase I relate to it. I didn't want someone getting to be the primary caregiver to my child while I went and did something I considered less important to me, and I really hated the idea of literally paying someone to be with my baby. I couldn't make it make sense. I knew people would judge me (and they did) but it's just something I had to do.

I later did go back to work but I wouldn't say I did it so I could "use my brain." I used my brain a lot as a SAHM and enjoyed learning about child development and implementing what I learned and also having time to read a lot and pursue artistic hobbies. I was not under stimulated. But I did feel cut off from the world of adults and I hated having no income of my own. I realized a lot of my self worth is tied up in paid work, for better or worse.

But I don't judge any other mom fir making different choices. I don't think you should view the way someone describes their own feelings and though process as a judgment on you. It has nothing to do with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nah, I just pity them because I know they must be insecure about their SAHM choices and bored with sitting home with their kids and needing to justify their decisions. Yes, I have less time with my kids because I WOH, but I still raise them.

What if they’re not? What if they truly believe that it’s important to be their kids’ primary caregiver in those early years? What if they’re not at all insecure about being a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Super rude but I guess people all have different lines. I think it of the people I know who send their kids off to boarding school….but I would never say it to their face!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nah, I just pity them because I know they must be insecure about their SAHM choices and bored with sitting home with their kids and needing to justify their decisions. Yes, I have less time with my kids because I WOH, but I still raise them.

What if they’re not? What if they truly believe that it’s important to be their kids’ primary caregiver in those early years? What if they’re not at all insecure about being a SAHM?

Who cares? They are beneath my notice. NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nah, I just pity them because I know they must be insecure about their SAHM choices and bored with sitting home with their kids and needing to justify their decisions. Yes, I have less time with my kids because I WOH, but I still raise them.

What if they’re not? What if they truly believe that it’s important to be their kids’ primary caregiver in those early years? What if they’re not at all insecure about being a SAHM?

Who cares? They are beneath my notice. NP

Just like your kids!

[Anonymous]

Anyone who doesn’t realize saying this is potentially going to ruffle some feathers has low EQ.

So the choices are you knowingly say things that are going to make some people feel a certain kind of way and you don’t care or you have low EQ. So I’m not offended but then I form an opinion of you probably.

[Anonymous]

I didn't have kids partially because that's the way I feel and I have back pain so I would have needed help.

On a rational level I think it's totally fine for people to hire nannies or use daycare.

On a personal level I didnt want to do it. I have to hire people to help care for my parents because I can't do it all by myself and I abhor it. Nothing against them - I just dont want to deal with other people in my home.

If I were physically capable of taking care of a baby and toddler all by myself, that's what I would have done.

But I dont judge others for hiring help. In fact I think they should if they want to.