Napping on vacation when you have kids?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My DH is like this but I don’t judge him for it. I take the kids for ice cream and let them run around a town square while I sit with a glass of wine and a book, or we go to the pool. Or they also chill and play video games for 2 hours if they want while I read on a terrace. It’s fun!

Sounds like you have less ambitious vacation plans, which is fine. It sounds like you and your DH are on the same page about how vacations go. I think the issue is OP's DH has decided what kind of vacation HE is having, and everyone else can really just eff off, because he doesn't care what they want.

It honestly sounds to me like OP has decided she wants to go-go-go on vacation and is mad her DH doesn’t. I doubt the kids love slogging around. Usually we have 1-2 slog days when driving from place to place, etc. and everyone sucks it up because they know tomorrow will be better, but constant pushing isn’t enjoyable for anyone.

Like I said, sounds like you're not a super ambitious person. That's fine. Make sure your spouse has similar low ambitions and it'll be fine. And look, if you've spent $250 a night to go to the Jellystone Park in Williamsport, sure... don't do anything. But if you've flown your kids to Greece or Cabo, put in the effort, otherwise what's the point?

Ambition has nothing to do with vacation style.

The point is to have fun, not to post a pic of every fresco in northern Italy on Instagram. We travel a lot and have learned the quickest way to be miserable abroad is to be on a tight time schedule, as the locals aren’t. Plus, European cities often build in rest in the afternoon and go later at night. In Spain it is weird to eat dinner before 9pm. We were just in Eastern Europe, and things closed from 4-6 pm. That’s the time to take a pause yourself. Try it.

So, if your DH is willing to take his nap from 4-6, it sounds like everything works great. But the OP's DH is apparently inflexible and unwilling to compromise—he's going to take it when he wants to take it. See, the difference?

Also, maybe you don't like art, but another family does. Don't be judgey, be thoughtful.

Try it yourself. Apparently this DH doesn’t like art more than his nap. I bet he would be fine resting from 4-6 instead of 2-4. OP isn’t going to let him.

I love art and architecture. I see a lot of it on our trips. I read about it ahead of time and enjoy knowing what I am looking at. I can get all that in 6 hours instead of 8. So could OP — and she could go see some of the less significant pieces while her DH naps. Easy.

She specifically said he won't budge on time. Doesn't care what the activity is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few weeks ago, I took my kids to the beach. It was awesome, we did a ton of stuff. And one evening, instead of doing one of the 100 things on our to-do list, I napped while the kids watched tv in the room. It was awesome and very much needed for all of us.

It is ok to nap. It is ok to let your kids watch tv/play on the ipad/etc. Not everything in life needs to be busy and planned.

The OP has made it clear she doesn't think that, but that her kids want to do special activities with their Dad, and he won't. That's sad.

It sounds like every vacation day is chock full of "special activities" that the family does together. It's okay to build in 1-2 hours of downtime each day.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My DH is like this but I don’t judge him for it. I take the kids for ice cream and let them run around a town square while I sit with a glass of wine and a book, or we go to the pool. Or they also chill and play video games for 2 hours if they want while I read on a terrace. It’s fun!

Sounds like you have less ambitious vacation plans, which is fine. It sounds like you and your DH are on the same page about how vacations go. I think the issue is OP's DH has decided what kind of vacation HE is having, and everyone else can really just eff off, because he doesn't care what they want.

It honestly sounds to me like OP has decided she wants to go-go-go on vacation and is mad her DH doesn’t. I doubt the kids love slogging around. Usually we have 1-2 slog days when driving from place to place, etc. and everyone sucks it up because they know tomorrow will be better, but constant pushing isn’t enjoyable for anyone.

Like I said, sounds like you're not a super ambitious person. That's fine. Make sure your spouse has similar low ambitions and it'll be fine. And look, if you've spent $250 a night to go to the Jellystone Park in Williamsport, sure... don't do anything. But if you've flown your kids to Greece or Cabo, put in the effort, otherwise what's the point?

Ambition has nothing to do with vacation style.

The point is to have fun, not to post a pic of every fresco in northern Italy on Instagram. We travel a lot and have learned the quickest way to be miserable abroad is to be on a tight time schedule, as the locals aren’t. Plus, European cities often build in rest in the afternoon and go later at night. In Spain it is weird to eat dinner before 9pm. We were just in Eastern Europe, and things closed from 4-6 pm. That’s the time to take a pause yourself. Try it.

So, if your DH is willing to take his nap from 4-6, it sounds like everything works great. But the OP's DH is apparently inflexible and unwilling to compromise—he's going to take it when he wants to take it. See, the difference?

Also, maybe you don't like art, but another family does. Don't be judgey, be thoughtful.

Try it yourself. Apparently this DH doesn’t like art more than his nap. I bet he would be fine resting from 4-6 instead of 2-4. OP isn’t going to let him.

I love art and architecture. I see a lot of it on our trips. I read about it ahead of time and enjoy knowing what I am looking at. I can get all that in 6 hours instead of 8. So could OP — and she could go see some of the less significant pieces while her DH naps. Easy.

She specifically said he won't budge on time. Doesn't care what the activity is.

Where? All it says he "anticipates napping mid-day". Mid day can mean a lot of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few weeks ago, I took my kids to the beach. It was awesome, we did a ton of stuff. And one evening, instead of doing one of the 100 things on our to-do list, I napped while the kids watched tv in the room. It was awesome and very much needed for all of us.

It is ok to nap. It is ok to let your kids watch tv/play on the ipad/etc. Not everything in life needs to be busy and planned.

The OP has made it clear she doesn't think that, but that her kids want to do special activities with their Dad, and he won't. That's sad.

It sounds like every vacation day is chock full of "special activities" that the family does together. It's okay to build in 1-2 hours of downtime each day.

Yeah, but the DH won't cooperate.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Seems like a lot of men are this way, especially older men. No idea what the answer is.

My MIL, for example, has long left FIL home and vacations with friends or extended family instead. They both prefer it that way, under the circumstances. FIL stays home and watches tv, putters around etc. MIL said many of her friends have similar issues. The DHs are homebodies and lower energy.

My parents are long divorced so no example there.

Maybe your DH is just getting a head start OP.

Can you vacation with friends or extended family instead l? Or bring a friend or your mom or sister etc? DH can come or not, but you’d have other adults to socialize with. Could be a win win.

This is what I would do. Vacation with another family or invite your parents along.

The sad part is that it's the kids who want to do things with him — another family or grandparents would be fun, but the kids would still feel the sadness.

Does he not spend time with them at home either? The naps are super annoying IMO but it is just a few hours/day no? Bring someone else along to liven things up and socialize with.

[Anonymous]

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Less important but worth noting is the unfairness to me because it’s not like I get a similar break; in fact, I would find it incredibly selfish to take two hours every day for myself on family vacation. We coordinated and paid money to take this trip, it seems foolish to waste 14 waking hours of the trip on naps.

I don't know if anyone has addressed this, but your framing here is absolutely bonkers. It isn't that you aren't getting a similar break, you are just refusing to take one. You could take one if you wanted to. But you apparently don't want to, and don't want him to either. That's a valid (though selfish) position to take, but it is crazy to suggest that it's unfair that you don;t get something that you don't want, and could have but choose not to take.

In your mind, you want a nap, so everyone else should have one too.

Oh is that jetboat tour leaving now? Too bad. You should want a nap. Or go by yourself. Sorry, kid—Dad needs his "alone" time. Maybe some other year.

Literally no one said that.

If I want a nap, I can nap, and if you don't want a nap, you can do something else. There are multiple options here that you are refusing to see and only rabidly holding onto this notion that he's refusing to let his family do anything while he locks himself in the bathroom jerking off. Quite the imagination you have!

Again, to the tape...

OP said:

I cherish this time with my kids, but we are sort of in limbo waiting on his naps, and want him included. We are busy at home and rarely get this sort of quality time. The kids wish he didn’t have to nap.

His kids want to do special things with him. He won't.

My bet is selfishness, but maybe he's got apnea and can't stay awake (weird how he stays awake for HIS activities tho). The only other reason I can think of for such mulish refusal to spend time with the kids and insistence that it be in the hotel room, by himself is a porn addiction. It's not uncommon.

If you believe the kids said that, I have some waterfront property to sell you...

OP wants them to be together 24/7, gogogo, look at how close we are etc. Her DH wants to take a nap during the day.

Also interesting that some of your posts specify that he's on his corn addiction, and others he's forcing everyone else to be in the same room napping with him. Make up your mind or at least try to keep your story straight

well, if you're not going to take the OP at her word, what's the point in any of this? and if you think you can subtract and embellish, than I think the porn addiction has to be treated as as likely as anything else.

based on the info we have, his kids are desperate to spend some special time with him, and he won't. He's a jerk.

Isn’t the DH spending time with the kids during all the other waking hours? Is something special about the 2 hours in the afternoon?

Saying he ate breakfast with the kids so therefore they should go color or something while he naps from 2-430 when they were hoping to go SUP or do a family cooking class is silly.

You sound like a terrible planner. Eat breakfast and go SUP one day. Do evening activity. Next day, eating breakfast and go to cooking class next day. Breakfast is an activity. We all talk, not sure why you’d write it off. Teens are outpaddling this DH on SUP and not taking to him.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds very type A. OPs dh less so. I'd be surprised if the kids actually enjoy non-stop activities, especially with their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds very type A. OPs dh less so. I'd be surprised if the kids actually enjoy non-stop activities, especially with their parents.

But I'm sure OP wants to believe it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds very type A. OPs dh less so. I'd be surprised if the kids actually enjoy non-stop activities, especially with their parents.

Well, he doesn't nap when the activity interests him. So, I don't think the problem is that it's "non-stop activities", it's just activities he doesn't care about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok look you have two options - let him nap or have him slog and be cranky. There is no magic answer that will result in him not having a nap AND being energetic.

Also, the rest of you can’t come up with something else to do for two hours a day? You need to be glued to each other 24/7? This is your DH’s vacation too, consider those two hours as his chosen fun activity. It’s one thing if his nap is interfering with some specific planned timed activity but if it isn’t and it’s just you want him to always be on, that’s on you.

If you feel it’s unfair he gets a break and you don’t, structure a break for yourself. For example, with us I am the person who wakes up really early and I let my DH sleep in if he wants while I take the kids for stuff for a couple of hours in the morning and then he lets me nap during the afternoon if I want. Nobody feels resentful and we haven’t died of not enough togetherness.

Option 3, HE does something different.

That’s not an option. We can’t force anyone else to do anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds very type A. OPs dh less so. I'd be surprised if the kids actually enjoy non-stop activities, especially with their parents.

Well, he doesn't nap when the activity interests him. So, I don't think the problem is that it's "non-stop activities", it's just activities he doesn't care about.

Where do you see that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like DH is rebelling against OP’s forced-march vacation style. Sit down and meet in the middle, OP. He should get an hour to relax every day, and so should you (and the kids, if they want).

No, he's said he won't. He has to have the same nap time every day or he WILL retaliate. The guy is a jerk.

Retaliate? Oh really, the fiction you are writing keeps getting and better. What’s he going to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds very type A. OPs dh less so. I'd be surprised if the kids actually enjoy non-stop activities, especially with their parents.

Well, he doesn't nap when the activity interests him. So, I don't think the problem is that it's "non-stop activities", it's just activities he doesn't care about.

Where do you see that?

Well, I read the OP. Did you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds very type A. OPs dh less so. I'd be surprised if the kids actually enjoy non-stop activities, especially with their parents.

Well, he doesn't nap when the activity interests him. So, I don't think the problem is that it's "non-stop activities", it's just activities he doesn't care about.

Anybody in the family should be able to opt out some - not all -activities they don't care about. They aren't conjoined quadruplets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The details don't matter. This boils down to one thing. The OP and her DH have different understands of how their vacation is going to work. It causes conflict, and it seems to primarily play out in disappointment for the kids.

It doesn't matter where they are, what they're doing, or even if they're on vacation. It's a difference in expectations — he's under the impression that his nap is a given. No one else is. Maybe he's a lazy slob, maybe he's porn addicted or maybe she just had the idea he would be a more involved parent than he's wiling to be.

The solution is a conversation—these vacations aren't workin the way I'd like to and the kids would like to spend more time with you. If his answer is "tough, I don't care", then she has to make a decision. Separate vacations or the kids learn to deal.

This isnt' complicated, we don't need to debate much more. Make it clear your DH isn't meeting expectations, give him an opportunity to meet them, take the appropriate course of action if he won't.

Bumping this.

It's different expectations. Maybe she's right, maybe he's got apnea. She and the kids have a different understand of what they want from vacation. She needs to tell him—it sounds like he doesn't like hearing he isn't going to get his way, but hopefully he listens. Before all you nuts jump down my throat, maybe the solution is the kids learn to accept that when on vacation Dad just isnt' going to hang. That's fine, I guess. But right now they still think he will. If I were him, I would take that as a huge compliment and do my best to accomodate.