Do you ever think of how much STUFF you are leaving for your family to deal with?

[Anonymous]

^^"Didn't want the house"

It was old, unkempt, and sagging with cracked foundations. It needed to be cleaned out if it were to be sold for anything at all.

I did (and still do) love my mother. She just wasn't able to cope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is certainly ideal for people to declutter throughout the their lives, and in anticipation of their death…I also think those who have not faced old age should be slow to judge.

You have numbered days and less energy as you get old. You may also hope that the younger generation will value family heirlooms and mementos. You may find it isolating and depressing to spend your final days on the planet cleaning out all evidence of your existence. If you have devoted your whole life to others, maybe you want to do something more enjoyable with your waning days or energy.

Not justifying leaving a mess, but just trying to open younger people’s minds to why this may happen.

Oh, we know why. We are talking about choosing to do better, and how to cope with those who did not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think the people who get upset are those who also have difficulty disposing of items.

So if their parents don't do the hard sorting job, making sure that items get sent to appropriate caretakers who will love and cherish the cut glass, the real wood furniture, their china that no one wants, all the books... then the children need to do it and they resent it because they can't just throw it all away. They feel they need to respect the objects and find them a good home.

I disagree as well. Even though my parents have some "finer things", the problem for me is that they expect us to do the work they should have done years ago. I'm the youngest and I'm 50+, we all have our own stuff to the brim. And to be honest, if they would have given away some over the past 40-50 years, these things would have been appreciated. Now they aren't. There's just too much and it's all too old. What I'm especially sad about is that my dad has some fantastic books... well, they're too heavy and too far, so... and yes, my childhood piano, that nobody has played on for 30+ years. PSA: give what you can to young ones in their 20-30 age range, once people start their own families and buy their own stuff, they will not want yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I am the only one who things this is NBD.

My parents both died suddenly and unexpectedly within months of eachother. My sister and I were left to clean out 40+ years of worldly possessions. We kept what we wanted, donated some and tossed some. It took a couple weeks but we weren't overly burdened by this. It felt like we were able to honor our parents by taking care of this for them.

no, you are not the only one

I think the people who get upset are those who also have difficulty disposing of items.

So if their parents don't do the hard sorting job, making sure that items get sent to appropriate caretakers who will love and cherish the cut glass, the real wood furniture, their china that no one wants, all the books... then the children need to do it and they resent it because they can't just throw it all away. They feel they need to respect the objects and find them a good home.

Agree. Because part of being UMC is being trained to appreciate "the finer things". For those who don't antique or eBay, it is a rude shock to find out that culture has changed and that these supposedly valuable things aren't wanted by anyone at any price.

It is somewhat shocking to me that decent pianos, oriental rugs, and fine china sets are nearly valueless. Especially considering the work that went into making them and their durability. But this is just the case....people want their houses to look different from what Pre-Boomers and Boomers liked from 1930s-1980s. As our society has gotten wealthier and more modern, we no longer aspire to have our house interiors look like 18th-19th Century European nobility and Colonial American well-to-do living spaces. Also the Victorian-inspired cluttery eclectic knicknack look is out because it no longer signifies wealth or travels to possess all those objects.

It’s interesting, I am very interested in antiques and vintage stuff, and as I started reading your post I was about to reply that many, many things still sell pretty well. Then I saw the bolted and yeah, the finer things that are not compatible or useful with the current lifestyles are hard to get rid of. So, for the dining rooms, the sideboards or lower portions of buffets that can be used as credenzas sell like hot cakes, but the glass top portions get discarded. The old pianos are tricky - people tend to think that they are like old violins always worth something, but it’s not the case. There are often mechanical issues that are not worth fixing, the wood is not that valuable (as opposed to string instruments), and the electronic pianos are so good these days, most people don’t need the real one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think the people who get upset are those who also have difficulty disposing of items.

So if their parents don't do the hard sorting job, making sure that items get sent to appropriate caretakers who will love and cherish the cut glass, the real wood furniture, their china that no one wants, all the books... then the children need to do it and they resent it because they can't just throw it all away. They feel they need to respect the objects and find them a good home.

I disagree as well. Even though my parents have some "finer things", the problem for me is that they expect us to do the work they should have done years ago. I'm the youngest and I'm 50+, we all have our own stuff to the brim. And to be honest, if they would have given away some over the past 40-50 years, these things would have been appreciated. Now they aren't. There's just too much and it's all too old. What I'm especially sad about is that my dad has some fantastic books... well, they're too heavy and too far, so... and yes, my childhood piano, that nobody has played on for 30+ years. PSA: give what you can to young ones in their 20-30 age range, once people start their own families and buy their own stuff, they will not want yours.

This is a bizarre take. When I was 30, my mom was 55 and very much enjoying her fancy china ( she still occasionally does). Why would she give it to me then? Yes, that probably means once she is gone it will be donated instead of staying in the family, but so what.

[Anonymous]

I wanted to add that what also annoys me is that all this stuff (china, books, piano, furniture) is HEAVY. I don't think anyone would really complain about some jewelry, I know I wouldn't (how much jewelry can one have anyway). Parents are obviously old and fragile, so they think we are all young and strong. In reality I'm a petite female, 50+, have my own health issues and don't want to do this physically difficult work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is a bizarre take. When I was 30, my mom was 55 and very much enjoying her fancy china ( she still occasionally does). Why would she give it to me then? Yes, that probably means once she is gone it will be donated instead of staying in the family, but so what.

Isn't the whole point keeping the stuff in the family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I am the only one who things this is NBD.

My parents both died suddenly and unexpectedly within months of eachother. My sister and I were left to clean out 40+ years of worldly possessions. We kept what we wanted, donated some and tossed some. It took a couple weeks but we weren't overly burdened by this. It felt like we were able to honor our parents by taking care of this for them.

no, you are not the only one

I think the people who get upset are those who also have difficulty disposing of items.

So if their parents don't do the hard sorting job, making sure that items get sent to appropriate caretakers who will love and cherish the cut glass, the real wood furniture, their china that no one wants, all the books... then the children need to do it and they resent it because they can't just throw it all away. They feel they need to respect the objects and find them a good home.

Agree. Because part of being UMC is being trained to appreciate "the finer things". For those who don't antique or eBay, it is a rude shock to find out that culture has changed and that these supposedly valuable things aren't wanted by anyone at any price.

It is somewhat shocking to me that decent pianos, oriental rugs, and fine china sets are nearly valueless. Especially considering the work that went into making them and their durability. But this is just the case....people want their houses to look different from what Pre-Boomers and Boomers liked from 1930s-1980s. As our society has gotten wealthier and more modern, we no longer aspire to have our house interiors look like 18th-19th Century European nobility and Colonial American well-to-do living spaces. Also the Victorian-inspired cluttery eclectic knicknack look is out because it no longer signifies wealth or travels to possess all those objects.

It’s interesting, I am very interested in antiques and vintage stuff, and as I started reading your post I was about to reply that many, many things still sell pretty well. Then I saw the bolted and yeah, the finer things that are not compatible or useful with the current lifestyles are hard to get rid of. So, for the dining rooms, the sideboards or lower portions of buffets that can be used as credenzas sell like hot cakes, but the glass top portions get discarded. The old pianos are tricky - people tend to think that they are like old violins always worth something, but it’s not the case. There are often mechanical issues that are not worth fixing, the wood is not that valuable (as opposed to string instruments), and the electronic pianos are so good these days, most people don’t need the real one.

Even the items that could have some material value won't if they're not properly maintained, and that sort of maintenance was beyond my relatives' abilities in the final decade or two of their lives.

Did we want to put $1000 worth of labor into something that would be worth $500 afterwards? Nope!

[Anonymous]

Cleaning my mom’s house after she goes will be my gift to her. She’s a hoarder but luckily she has a small house. She wants me to keep it all and I agree. But I probably will end up only keeping a couple things. I’m not as attached to stuff.

I don’t want to do that to my own kids though.

[Anonymous]

My parents had bags of paper correspondence in their basement from when their parents died, it was just put on the floor and accumulated mildew. My sister and I should have had hazmat suits when cleaning, we had to throw that stuff out. Upstairs items were well preserved and we took the good things, silver, nice furniture, sentimental items. Gave some china to my daughter who loves the grandmillenial style. Now I have my share of all the old photos and family history things of which there is alot. I just sent a box of things, Purple Heart etc.., belonging to my great uncle who died in Normandy in 1944 to my cousin. There is a responsibility to be a caretaker for some items.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wanted to add that what also annoys me is that all this stuff (china, books, piano, furniture) is HEAVY. I don't think anyone would really complain about some jewelry, I know I wouldn't (how much jewelry can one have anyway). Parents are obviously old and fragile, so they think we are all young and strong. In reality I'm a petite female, 50+, have my own health issues and don't want to do this physically difficult work.

Yes, I think this is a primary reason people don't want this stuff. I'm early 50's and have nowhere to put a big piano or giant wood furniture or a bazillion books. Thankfully my parents have little of this-the china is confined to one smallish box, no piano and one hutch that isn't too huge (and my dd wants someday).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think the people who get upset are those who also have difficulty disposing of items.

So if their parents don't do the hard sorting job, making sure that items get sent to appropriate caretakers who will love and cherish the cut glass, the real wood furniture, their china that no one wants, all the books... then the children need to do it and they resent it because they can't just throw it all away. They feel they need to respect the objects and find them a good home.

I disagree as well. Even though my parents have some "finer things", the problem for me is that they expect us to do the work they should have done years ago. I'm the youngest and I'm 50+, we all have our own stuff to the brim. And to be honest, if they would have given away some over the past 40-50 years, these things would have been appreciated. Now they aren't. There's just too much and it's all too old. What I'm especially sad about is that my dad has some fantastic books... well, they're too heavy and too far, so... and yes, my childhood piano, that nobody has played on for 30+ years. PSA: give what you can to young ones in their 20-30 age range, once people start their own families and buy their own stuff, they will not want yours.

This is a bizarre take. When I was 30, my mom was 55 and very much enjoying her fancy china ( she still occasionally does). Why would she give it to me then? Yes, that probably means once she is gone it will be donated instead of staying in the family, but so what.

Heh seriously. They should have given it away 50 years ago? When they were - what, 30?

Guys, stuff is going to be a problem. No matter what, it is going to be a problem. It'll be awful. It's not your parents' job to live like monks in order to make it slightly less awful.

[Anonymous]

The point of this thread is that stuff shouldn't be a problem and accumulating it shouldn't be the purpose of your life. There is a big difference between living like a monk and a 5-bedroom house full of stuff to the brim, which has been accumulating for 40-50 years. You don't have to give your stuff away when you're 30, as you don't have much then anyway, but in your 50s you should think that you don't live forever and pass some stuff on to kids/grandkids/anyone who would find your stuff that you no longer need useful. Like your kids' piano, that you don't know how to play. I mean does this really needs being spelled out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The point of this thread is that stuff shouldn't be a problem and accumulating it shouldn't be the purpose of your life. There is a big difference between living like a monk and a 5-bedroom house full of stuff to the brim, which has been accumulating for 40-50 years. You don't have to give your stuff away when you're 30, as you don't have much then anyway, but in your 50s you should think that you don't live forever and pass some stuff on to kids/grandkids/anyone who would find your stuff that you no longer need useful. Like your kids' piano, that you don't know how to play. I mean does this really needs being spelled out?

Yes, some of the comments on this thread remind me of a conversation with my husband.

Me: We need to clean out the garage.
Him: Okay, I just won't have anything!

Um, no I didn't say we had to get rid of EVERYTHING.

[Anonymous]

It’s incredibly freeing to purge ‘things’. Set them free. Give it away and gain space and peace.

I don’t want to do to my kids what our parents did to us - left us big messes to sort out.