Letting the Ivy plan go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went to an Ivy League school on full scholarship. My husband also went to a highly selective university on full scholarship. We have worked very hard over difficult odds in our lives. Since DD was little, she wanted to go to my alma mater. First year in HS, it’s looking like it’s not in the cards. She is absolutely miserable in her advanced classes & doesn’t want to take on the rigor she needs to take next year. She is doing well academically but at what cost? She is so stressed and unhappy and wants to take “regular” classes next year. It is a constant fight between us daily about her workload now and about her future. I’m torn between pushing with tough love because she is young and maybe she will thank me later vs considering that maybe it is just too much for her, to let her make her own choices, and to prioritize her wellbeing. Frustrating because I know the latter will close some doors for her and she is better than this. What do you think DCUM and has anyone btdt?

You can still be successful and not go to Ivy. She will do well, if she doesnt want it then guider her on her next step. I'm sure she will still get into a great college even if it is not Ivy.

[Anonymous]

What a weirdo. My middle school and elementary kids don’t even know where we went to college and neither do most of our work colleagues.

Anyway, obviously a troll because Ivy League schools don’t give scholarships.

[Anonymous]

[code]

Anonymous wrote:What a weirdo. My middle school and elementary kids don’t even know where we went to college and neither do most of our work colleagues.

Anyway, obviously a troll because Ivy League schools don’t give scholarships.

You are splitting hairs. I believe OP likely got a ton of need-based aid which is basically a scholarship.

It’s a little odd your MS kid doesn’t know where you went to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyway, obviously a troll because Ivy League schools don’t give scholarships.

This is a fairly recent development since most have become need-blind and FA fairly meets most families' need (at least at my alma mater). Was not always the case.

Regardless, there are also external scholarships.

[Anonymous]

I genuinely don't believe in forcing your kids down a path that they don’t thrive in. I say that you honour the kid you have. Let her have an absolutely normal experience where she believes in herself. Let her thrive in the self esteem that she is enough. I wouldn’t do this to my children and genuinely believe they will have amazing futures ahead of them.
I see family members doing
this w their kids and some kids can hack the pressure. Life is stressful enough without adding being enough to get into IVY.

[Anonymous]

It was so much easier when you got in (for me too at an Hyp) it’s not just unhealthy to out the pressure on but doesn’t really work that way these days. Give it up.

[Anonymous]

People still care about going to an ivy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Damn I woke the beasts. I was hoping for helpful sane DCUM.

First of all, we didn’t come from money so this isn’t Muffy buys a library to get little Princess in. We had to work so hard. And now we have a better life so maybe our kids aren’t feeling that push that we had.

And of course don’t take my school literally. Just representative of what our collective goals were for so long: very strong schools.

Secondly, I am SURE you all want your kids to to top schools. You all talk about it all the time here. So, so do we. But I am trying navigate that plan with my daughter in front of me right now and hear her while also acknowledging that we are dealing with an adolescent and all that comes with. And I want to do the right thing.

It’s a reasonable question. And only sane DCUM need respond.

Alright, OP, consider this. Yes, she won’t get into a top school without rigor. However, she also won’t get into a top school with low Bs & Cs in the most rigorous courses. So you’re not really stuck. Pick the option the gives her the most confidence and happiness moving forward. Those two things can move you along in life much more than a top college, if you use them to your advantage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Damn I woke the beasts. I was hoping for helpful sane DCUM.

First of all, we didn’t come from money so this isn’t Muffy buys a library to get little Princess in. We had to work so hard. And now we have a better life so maybe our kids aren’t feeling that push that we had.

And of course don’t take my school literally. Just representative of what our collective goals were for so long: very strong schools.

Secondly, I am SURE you all want your kids to to top schools. You all talk about it all the time here. So, so do we. But I am trying navigate that plan with my daughter in front of me right now and hear her while also acknowledging that we are dealing with an adolescent and all that comes with. And I want to do the right thing.

It’s a reasonable question. And only sane DCUM need respond.

Alright, OP, consider this. Yes, she won’t get into a top school without rigor. However, she also won’t get into a top school with low Bs & Cs in the most rigorous courses. So you’re not really stuck. Pick the option the gives her the most confidence and happiness moving forward. Those two things can move you along in life much more than a top college, if you use them to your advantage.

+1. The focus should be getting your child in the best school for your child. Your alma mater may have been the best school for you, but it may not be the best school for your child.

[Anonymous]

Most people in DCUM are so afraid to stray from the path that everyone else is on because they are insecure and need the outside validation of a “top school.” Are you just another DCUM sheep? Or are you brave enough to pay attention to your own child and focus on your child’s actual needs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People still care about going to an ivy?

Have you spent any time on the College Boards? Go take a look...that will answer your question.

[Anonymous]

How do you find College Boards?

[Anonymous]

My DD had an OK 1st year in high school. I don't think she is top 25 material though. To be honest, I'm kind of relieved. She can go to a cheaper state school or private with merit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you find College Boards?

Do you not know how to use DCUM? How did you find Tweens and Teens.

Go to the DCUM Forum Index and go to College and University Discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It’s a little odd your MS kid doesn’t know where you went to college.

I'm now super curious to ask my middle schooler if she knows where my spouse and I went to college (and yes, I was at an Ivy and my spouse one of the top engineering schools). My money would be on that she might know my spouse's college because all the adult siblings went there, along with some of her cousins, so it's a big part of the family identity on that side, but not mine (because despite having gone to an Ivy, it is just not central to my adult identity). And that feels as it should be to me.