Reply to Dating someone who cheated on their spouse

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Woman here. Had never cheated before, but I cheated on my stbx. We have been married for 15 years, haven’t had sex in 5 of those years due to factors I can’t control. I cheated bc I was hoping to fulfill my own sexual needs yet still stay married for all of the reasons one wants to stay married when they have children.

I found having an affair to be incredibly unfulfilling emotionally, and it made me realize that the lack of sex wasn't all that was lacking in my marriage. So, I tried to fix my marriage. I ended my affair and tried to rekindle things w my husband. Didnt work. We tried marriage counseling, turns out you cant really “work on” what is missing in our marriage. So we are getting divorced. He doesnt know that I cheated on him, it doesn’t change what is fundamentally wrong with our relationship and his knowing won’t change anything at this point.

I post this to point out that not everyone cheats bc they are narcissists. Some people are just trying to do the best they can with what they have in life and make poor decisions in the process.

Flame away.[/quote]

You know what doesn’t help a marriage when things are not going right? Cheating.

How many people have issues in their marriage and think hey, you know what will fix this? Sneaking around behind my spouse’s back and lying to them while sleeping with another person.

Cheating won’t fix you, your marriage, or your spouse. Cheating only adds another layer of bad to everything else.[/quote]

Black and white thinking does you no favors. 
It seems it did help this person. She realized she wanted more than sex. [b]She doubled down on making her marriage work but her ex still wouldn’t step up. [/b]

It was the catalyst that brought clarity to the situation. Sometimes ‘bad’ things or ‘poor choices’ have to happen in our lives to make us learn and grow as humans. Because humans are not perfect animals. ( though I’m sure the martyr poster thinks they are). [/quote]

DP- she “doubled down” on fixing the marriage without ever telling her husband the truth.  The infidelity was just a catalyst to ending the marriage, it didn’t help her, and she could have divorced him first and preserved her integrity.  Guess what- you can’t have a healthy, whole marriage while actively deceiving your spouse.  Her husband very well could have instinctively known deep down that something was up- don’t women who are cheated on post this all the time??

BTW- I don’t have “black and white” thinking on the matter- I had an EA and it helped absolutely nothing, it was incredibly stupid and I came clean to DH, which was the only way to get past it.  Sometimes we do stupid things and reach a low/crisis point that forces us to resolve issues- but it still would have been better to resolve said issues without the low/crisis/infidelity!  It did so much damage.[/quote]

+1.  There is no possible way to save the marriage while lying about such a significant thing as infidelity.

OP assumes her husband didn't know about her cheating.  All she knew is he didn't confront her about her cheating. I knew way more about my now ex's cheating than he thought I knew. He did therapy and revealed some things but concealed and lied about others.  I left him because he continued to lie.

A person who conceals their own infidelity while "working" on the marriage is just engaging in performative therapy so that when they leave they can say it wasn't their fault. By lying in therapy, the cheater is still performing the core act of infidelity - lying to serve oneself while still being able to present a positive public face. [/quote]

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