DH has directed us to shovel off the deck - AITA

[Anonymous]

DCUM has spoken: URTA!!

[Anonymous]

Are you the op that has the side notary business whose husband was unhappy about it?
Either way, I’d not shovel the deck and I’d tell him that God put it there, so God can take it away.
I think your real problem is that you gave into the small things. No running jeans in the dryer would result in me asking my husband why exactly he’d care. If he didn’t like how his jeans felt after they’d been in the dryer, fine, his jeans could go on a drying rack and I’d build that time into my laundry routine. If he told me he didn’t like the sound of the dryer I’d ask what bothered him. If running jeans in the dryer was something I could do without the sound bothering him I would, run it at night when we’re sleeping, run when he is at the store, maybe, again something I would decide if I could live with the constraint and be happy and functional. Eventually we’d figure out what he wanted and what I could and would do, or we’d find out one of us is unreasonable and needs to be told so. I’d have shut down the husband’s no jeans in the dryer nonsense. I’d ignore dryer rules from here on out. Same for dishes unless the position of the dishes is a safety hazard. At this point I can’t think of what that would be. Personally, I’m more on your husband’s side with the dishwasher because to me bowls never go on the top rack. Again though, it’s all what’s reasonable for you.
This is why I can’t stand when someone says “let the little things go”, it’s all little until it isn’t, not with that one person on that one day when it really matters to you. Today is your day with the deck, I’d ignore it and say sweetly, I didn’t want to mess it up” and move on, ideally with the dryer going and the dishwasher loaded in just the way he hates. Then I’d sweetly unload the dishwasher or the jeans and go about my day. In other words, don’t tolerate silly and it should stop. If it doesn’t, figure out why you want someone who can’t manage to be nice or explain why they are holding so firmly to a position that is otherwise irrational.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure she puts up a fuss about a lot of things. Thats why they both assume negative intent with many judt typical checklist items of life. Negative intent is the reason for a lot of conflict. Some husband's and wives have to worry about abuse affairs and addiction. This woman has to worry about her husband being too on top of house maintenance. The horrors.

[Anonymous]

Both my husband and I are working from home today and neither one of us has thought about shoveling the deck until I read this. And I am still not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Are you the op that has the side notary business whose husband was unhappy about it?
Either way, I’d not shovel the deck and I’d tell him that God put it there, so God can take it away.
I think your real problem is that you gave into the small things. No running jeans in the dryer would result in me asking my husband why exactly he’d care. If he didn’t like how his jeans felt after they’d been in the dryer, fine, his jeans could go on a drying rack and I’d build that time into my laundry routine. If he told me he didn’t like the sound of the dryer I’d ask what bothered him. If running jeans in the dryer was something I could do without the sound bothering him I would, run it at night when we’re sleeping, run when he is at the store, maybe, again something I would decide if I could live with the constraint and be happy and functional. Eventually we’d figure out what he wanted and what I could and would do, or we’d find out one of us is unreasonable and needs to be told so. I’d have shut down the husband’s no jeans in the dryer nonsense. I’d ignore dryer rules from here on out. Same for dishes unless the position of the dishes is a safety hazard. At this point I can’t think of what that would be. Personally, I’m more on your husband’s side with the dishwasher because to me bowls never go on the top rack. Again though, it’s all what’s reasonable for you.
This is why I can’t stand when someone says “let the little things go”, it’s all little until it isn’t, not with that one person on that one day when it really matters to you. Today is your day with the deck, I’d ignore it and say sweetly, I didn’t want to mess it up” and move on, ideally with the dryer going and the dishwasher loaded in just the way he hates. Then I’d sweetly unload the dishwasher or the jeans and go about my day. In other words, don’t tolerate silly and it should stop. If it doesn’t, figure out why you want someone who can’t manage to be nice or explain why they are holding so firmly to a position that is otherwise irrational.

Do not do this. Passive aggressive. Just state kindly that you want kinder texts in a question formation if its work being requested of you and that you will do what you feel comfortable doing if a request is made but that you have your own plans for the day too.

[Anonymous]

I’d rather leave a little snow than wake up to an iced over deck. I wouldn’t do it. Your DH sounds very controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM has spoken: URTA!!

Not even close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH texted myself and 16 YO DD..."I'd like you two to tag team to get the snow off the deck. It's going to freeze tonight so I'd like that taken care of. Thx"

We got about 4 inches of snow. The deck is fairly large.
The deck is perfectly strong, no structural issues.
We are generally not using the deck, as, you know, it's winter.
He might use a small area of the deck near the house to grill IF the weather is nice, which at this time it is not. I could see clearning that off in case the weather gets nice enough to grill. But then, the snow would melt by itself.

DH has a history of being overly picky and controlling. Can't put jeans in the dryer because "too noisy". Gets upset if there are dishes in the sink, or you haven't loaded the dishwasher the way he wants. He will unpack it and reload it. We are not "allowed" to put small bowls on the top shelf, those must be placed on the bottom. We started using paper cups to reduce dishwasher complaints and now he complains about the paper cups taking up space in the trash. It's endless. I could go on and on.

This seems like an insane request to me. Who goes outside to move 1000 pounds of snow around a perfectly sound, unused structure if it's not necessary for some reason? What am I missing?

DCUM, AITA?

Is this a joke?

Pack the dishwasher correctly and it holds a ton and it all gets clean.

There IS a correct way to load a dishwasher. Learn it and do it. Then you won’t hear the damn reminder or complaint over and over.

You have the power!

There is no correct way to load the dishwasher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM has spoken: URTA!!

Hardly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he's at home during the day, then you are not the a**hole. He should do it himself. If he is, say, at work during the daylight hours and you and your daughter are not, then it's a reasonable request. Getting the snow up before it freezes and more snow comes is easier, particularly in the daylight.

I agree, it's a "man's job," but it turns out that women and teenage girls are perfectly capable where there's a need.

The problem is, it wasn't a request. It was an order. And that was rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is home, at work.

I asked if he would mind explaining why this is needed, he replied,
"I'd rather the deck not become an ice rink. It's about safety".

But... no one is using the deck because it's winter and cold and snowy. So whose safety?

Again, just getting to the grill only requires a small path.

Wait, he works from home and you work from home and he wants YOU to clear the snow?

Honestly, this is the least of your concerns. The other stuff says he's a nightmare. I'd tell him to do it himself, although I also probably would have left after the dishwasher nonsense.

[Anonymous]

There is not a chance in hell that my H would ever call and tell me what to do with some snow or actually anything else. Therefore I cannot imagine what you or he should have done in this situation since your relationship dynamic is so far removed from mine. I don't think either of you are an AH though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP-
You've clearly been married many years to this person. This isn't new behavior. The real question is why haven't you figured out how to manage this nonsense? You should know how to respond and what to do/not do. Instead you're crowd-sourcing here with an AITA.

Because I have my own mental and emotional issues that cause me to question EVERYTHING. Most of the time I am left completely baffled by the behavior of others, not just my DH. I just do NOT understand why most people care about the things they do, get upset about the things they do, I am always left feeling like my evaluation of a situation is completely and totally off compared to others. So even though I am pretty sure most of the time that his clanky jeans, paper cups and dishwasher loading complaints are nuts, and it's not me, it's him, there are still times when I am left wondering, AITA?

And as you can see by a few of the responses on this thread, some people do think he's the reasonable one.

So since there's an anon forum where I can ask, I did.

I think it could be a reasonable REQUEST to make. I do not think it's a reasonable DEMAND. People are arguing about the mass of snow depending on its density but they're missing the point. The point is that he said he wants you to do it. He should have asked, especially since you're working and he's also home!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he physically disabled? That is a man's job.

No, he is strong. Much, much stronger than I am.

What kind was man asks a 16 year old girl and middle aged woman that do that. What a jerk.

Sounds like maybe a man who is at the office while his teenager and lazy wife lounge around the house.

And yet...his wife is working from home, AS IS HE.

[Anonymous]

Lol! Love you delicate flowers that are DC women.

1. If you can’t shovel the deck without it being some kind of insurmountable burden, you’re paying too much for your gym membership.

2. This is why carbs are good.