DH has directed us to shovel off the deck - AITA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH texted myself and 16 YO DD..."I'd like you two to tag team to get the snow off the deck. It's going to freeze tonight so I'd like that taken care of. Thx"

We got about 4 inches of snow. The deck is fairly large.
The deck is perfectly strong, no structural issues.
We are generally not using the deck, as, you know, it's winter.
He might use a small area of the deck near the house to grill IF the weather is nice, which at this time it is not. I could see clearning that off in case the weather gets nice enough to grill. But then, the snow would melt by itself.

DH has a history of being overly picky and controlling. Can't put jeans in the dryer because "too noisy". Gets upset if there are dishes in the sink, or you haven't loaded the dishwasher the way he wants. He will unpack it and reload it. We are not "allowed" to put small bowls on the top shelf, those must be placed on the bottom. We started using paper cups to reduce dishwasher complaints and now he complains about the paper cups taking up space in the trash. It's endless. I could go on and on.

This seems like an insane request to me. Who goes outside to move 1000 pounds of snow around a perfectly sound, unused structure if it's not necessary for some reason? What am I missing?

DCUM, AITA?

Too bad he is married to someone so lazy and useless.

Uhm try again. How about not talking to your spouse like they are paid help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So when there is a lot of snow, you need to move it off the deck for safety. Especially as it melts bc it can get really heavy.

That doesn’t apply here, bc it isn’t much snow nor is it melting, but maybe he just knows the advice and is blindly following it?

It's the same weight regardless of its state.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he physically disabled? That is a man's job.

No, he is strong. Much, much stronger than I am.

What kind was man asks a 16 year old girl and middle aged woman that do that. What a jerk.

[Anonymous]

No, your dh is controlling and thinks he's your dad, apparently. No need to shovel a deck unless there is a large amount of snow.

When my dh pulled the dishwasher crap, I refused to load any dishes and left them by the sink for about 5 years. After 5 years of loading the dishwasher pby himself he never said anything else out loud and nicely asked me to continue loading the dishes.

I saw my dad get away with this controlling crap with my mom and was determined it would not happen to me as well. Only appeared after the wedding, but much reduced now that he has to do whatever he wants to control completely.

[Anonymous]

Let's leave aside the request. Does he frequently treat you all like his paid assistants? That is a weird way to speak to anyone in a family.

And no I would not be shoveling my whole deck. What a waste of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he physically disabled? That is a man's job.

No, he is strong. Much, much stronger than I am.

What kind was man asks a 16 year old girl and middle aged woman that do that. What a jerk.

What? My 14, 12 and I all shovel! We're females BTW.

He's a jerk for how he demands actions from his family but not for asking a female to shovel.

[Anonymous]

I don't generally like how your DH conducts his business, but in this case, I'd get at least some snow off the deck. Reason being that we might get even more snow on Friday, and then the weight might end up being an issue. Shoveling 4" of this powdery stuff, even on a large deck, should not be too difficult. If you don't want to do it, have the 16 year old do it. Presumably, she's in good health.

I'm going to go out and shovel like 300' of driveway later, because I don't want to end up having to shovel 8 or 10" of compacted snow, come Friday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, your dh is controlling and thinks he's your dad, apparently. No need to shovel a deck unless there is a large amount of snow.

When my dh pulled the dishwasher crap, I refused to load any dishes and left them by the sink for about 5 years. After 5 years of loading the dishwasher pby himself he never said anything else out loud and nicely asked me to continue loading the dishes.

I saw my dad get away with this controlling crap with my mom and was determined it would not happen to me as well. Only appeared after the wedding, but much reduced now that he has to do whatever he wants to control completely.

Yep. F all the way off folks. If you have incredibly exacting standards and requirements, time to do it yourself. Goes both ways by the way. I see more women with this controlling behavior than men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't generally like how your DH conducts his business, but in this case, I'd get at least some snow off the deck. Reason being that we might get even more snow on Friday, and then the weight might end up being an issue. Shoveling 4" of this powdery stuff, even on a large deck, should not be too difficult. If you don't want to do it, have the 16 year old do it. Presumably, she's in good health.

I'm going to go out and shovel like 300' of driveway later, because I don't want to end up having to shovel 8 or 10" of compacted snow, come Friday.

Um one inch is expected Friday. Calm down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH texted myself and 16 YO DD..."I'd like you two to tag team to get the snow off the deck. It's going to freeze tonight so I'd like that taken care of. Thx"

We got about 4 inches of snow. The deck is fairly large.
The deck is perfectly strong, no structural issues.
We are generally not using the deck, as, you know, it's winter.
He might use a small area of the deck near the house to grill IF the weather is nice, which at this time it is not. I could see clearning that off in case the weather gets nice enough to grill. But then, the snow would melt by itself.

DH has a history of being overly picky and controlling. Can't put jeans in the dryer because "too noisy". Gets upset if there are dishes in the sink, or you haven't loaded the dishwasher the way he wants. He will unpack it and reload it. We are not "allowed" to put small bowls on the top shelf, those must be placed on the bottom. We started using paper cups to reduce dishwasher complaints and now he complains about the paper cups taking up space in the trash. It's endless. I could go on and on.

This seems like an insane request to me. Who goes outside to move 1000 pounds of snow around a perfectly sound, unused structure if it's not necessary for some reason? What am I missing?

DCUM, AITA?

It seems he does grilling, dishwashing, laundry, trash throwing, house safety care etc so question is if he is just controlling or has to face consequences of whatever goes wrong so tries to get things right?

That being said in his favor, he sounds like an anxious OCD person for sure, even if not controlling. You've been probably know him for 20 years (kid is 16) so why is this bothering you now? If it bothered before, why you two haven't found a solution or sought counseling if you couldn't?

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman and I handle most of the snow stuff at my house, because I'm picky about how it's done. I would want the deck cleared and if I had a 16 yo off school I would think it was a good job for them to do.

I would not ask my WFH spouse to do it during work hours unless there was a really pressing reason. And I would never send a text like the one your DH sent, that was rude.

So basically, clearing the deck is not the issue here, respect in your marriage is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't generally like how your DH conducts his business, but in this case, I'd get at least some snow off the deck. Reason being that we might get even more snow on Friday, and then the weight might end up being an issue. Shoveling 4" of this powdery stuff, even on a large deck, should not be too difficult. If you don't want to do it, have the 16 year old do it. Presumably, she's in good health.

I'm going to go out and shovel like 300' of driveway later, because I don't want to end up having to shovel 8 or 10" of compacted snow, come Friday.

Um one inch is expected Friday. Calm down.

We were not expecting much snow in this storm, either. This prediction business is unreliable. I'm going to err on the side of caution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't generally like how your DH conducts his business, but in this case, I'd get at least some snow off the deck. Reason being that we might get even more snow on Friday, and then the weight might end up being an issue. Shoveling 4" of this powdery stuff, even on a large deck, should not be too difficult. If you don't want to do it, have the 16 year old do it. Presumably, she's in good health.

I'm going to go out and shovel like 300' of driveway later, because I don't want to end up having to shovel 8 or 10" of compacted snow, come Friday.

Um one inch is expected Friday. Calm down.

We were not expecting much snow in this storm, either. This prediction business is unreliable. I'm going to err on the side of caution.

This storm wasn't much snow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he physically disabled? That is a man's job.

No, he is strong. Much, much stronger than I am.

What kind was man asks a 16 year old girl and middle aged woman that do that. What a jerk.

What? My 14, 12 and I all shovel! We're females BTW.

He's a jerk for how he demands actions from his family but not for asking a female to shovel.

If you choose to do it that's great. It's much easier for a man than a woman, assuming he's healthy, so I maintain that a man in the household who asks the woman to do it without offering himself, is a jerk. Even my male neighbors do it for ladies who live alone.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, you're not doing that. There is no structural issue whatsoever.

My husband has high-functioning autism and can be hyper-controlling, nitpicky and OCD/anxious, but also knows I don't take kindly to overly burdensome requests - most of the time. Rarely he has fits of irrationality and that's when we have bad fights.

I do not back down ever.