DH has directed us to shovel off the deck - AITA

[Anonymous]

If he's at home during the day, then you are not the a**hole. He should do it himself. If he is, say, at work during the daylight hours and you and your daughter are not, then it's a reasonable request. Getting the snow up before it freezes and more snow comes is easier, particularly in the daylight.

I agree, it's a "man's job," but it turns out that women and teenage girls are perfectly capable where there's a need.

[Anonymous]

Why you can't just text back that its not necessary and you don't feel like doing it?

Would he be annoyed or enraged?

[Anonymous]

I’m less concerned about the deck issue than the dishwasher and laundry issues. He sounds like Felix Unger in The Odd Couple, a bit anal. That would really drive me nuts. FWIW we have a large deck and when it snows my DH will only shovel a path to our hot tub which is glorious on a cold winter night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he physically disabled? That is a man's job.

Why? If he cooks and cleans then why everything isn't everyone's job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So when there is a lot of snow, you need to move it off the deck for safety. Especially as it melts bc it can get really heavy.

That doesn’t apply here, bc it isn’t much snow nor is it melting, but maybe he just knows the advice and is blindly following it?

It's the same weight regardless of its state.

The person that wrote that also thinks a ton of feathers weigh less than a ton of lead. And that muscle weighs more than fat. No concept of volume or mass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH texted myself and 16 YO DD..."I'd like you two to tag team to get the snow off the deck. It's going to freeze tonight so I'd like that taken care of. Thx"

We got about 4 inches of snow. The deck is fairly large.
The deck is perfectly strong, no structural issues.
We are generally not using the deck, as, you know, it's winter.
He might use a small area of the deck near the house to grill IF the weather is nice, which at this time it is not. I could see clearning that off in case the weather gets nice enough to grill. But then, the snow would melt by itself.

DH has a history of being overly picky and controlling. Can't put jeans in the dryer because "too noisy". Gets upset if there are dishes in the sink, or you haven't loaded the dishwasher the way he wants. He will unpack it and reload it. We are not "allowed" to put small bowls on the top shelf, those must be placed on the bottom. We started using paper cups to reduce dishwasher complaints and now he complains about the paper cups taking up space in the trash. It's endless. I could go on and on.

This seems like an insane request to me. Who goes outside to move 1000 pounds of snow around a perfectly sound, unused structure if it's not necessary for some reason? What am I missing?

DCUM, AITA?

It seems he does grilling, dishwashing, laundry, trash throwing, house safety care etc so question is if he is just controlling or has to face consequences of whatever goes wrong so tries to get things right?

That being said in his favor, he sounds like an anxious OCD person for sure, even if not controlling. You've been probably know him for 20 years (kid is 16) so why is this bothering you now? If it bothered before, why you two haven't found a solution or sought counseling if you couldn't?

We both do these things. He just has "requirements" for the proper performance of the items in bold that I think are absurd. No clanking jeans in the laundry, really? Mad about paper cups in the trash, really? Rules on where bowls go? He's even controlling about whether the window shades should be up or down - in rooms he doesn't use and when he's not at home!

And we are in family counseling. Which he says is very helpful and "life changing" but I don't see it translating to these stupid, trivial interactions that spoil the family's days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he's at home during the day, then you are not the a**hole. He should do it himself. If he is, say, at work during the daylight hours and you and your daughter are not, then it's a reasonable request. Getting the snow up before it freezes and more snow comes is easier, particularly in the daylight.

I agree, it's a "man's job," but it turns out that women and teenage girls are perfectly capable where there's a need.

But there's literally no reason to get it off the deck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, you're not doing that. There is no structural issue whatsoever.

My husband has high-functioning autism and can be hyper-controlling, nitpicky and OCD/anxious, but also knows I don't take kindly to overly burdensome requests - most of the time. Rarely he has fits of irrationality and that's when we have bad fights.

I do not back down ever.

Me again. I shovel and do most household chores, BTW. I rather like dealing with snow. But this is an unreasonable request.

[Anonymous]

Give someone a $50 and get it done. If kid wants $, let her do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give someone a $50 and get it done. If kid wants $, let her do it.

But why? Why does the deck need to be cleared? We aren't clearing ours this week

[Anonymous]

He can ask. You don't have to do

[Anonymous]

^ apply to everything. "The Deck" is not the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH texted myself and 16 YO DD..."I'd like you two to tag team to get the snow off the deck. It's going to freeze tonight so I'd like that taken care of. Thx"

We got about 4 inches of snow. The deck is fairly large.
The deck is perfectly strong, no structural issues.
We are generally not using the deck, as, you know, it's winter.
He might use a small area of the deck near the house to grill IF the weather is nice, which at this time it is not. I could see clearning that off in case the weather gets nice enough to grill. But then, the snow would melt by itself.

DH has a history of being overly picky and controlling. Can't put jeans in the dryer because "too noisy". Gets upset if there are dishes in the sink, or you haven't loaded the dishwasher the way he wants. He will unpack it and reload it. We are not "allowed" to put small bowls on the top shelf, those must be placed on the bottom. We started using paper cups to reduce dishwasher complaints and now he complains about the paper cups taking up space in the trash. It's endless. I could go on and on.

This seems like an insane request to me. Who goes outside to move 1000 pounds of snow around a perfectly sound, unused structure if it's not necessary for some reason? What am I missing?

DCUM, AITA?

It seems he does grilling, dishwashing, laundry, trash throwing, house safety care etc so question is if he is just controlling or has to face consequences of whatever goes wrong so tries to get things right?

That being said in his favor, he sounds like an anxious OCD person for sure, even if not controlling. You've been probably know him for 20 years (kid is 16) so why is this bothering you now? If it bothered before, why you two haven't found a solution or sought counseling if you couldn't?

We both do these things. He just has "requirements" for the proper performance of the items in bold that I think are absurd. No clanking jeans in the laundry, really? Mad about paper cups in the trash, really? Rules on where bowls go? He's even controlling about whether the window shades should be up or down - in rooms he doesn't use and when he's not at home!

And we are in family counseling. Which he says is very helpful and "life changing" but I don't see it translating to these stupid, trivial interactions that spoil the family's days.

Make a list and take it to your next counseling session. Also ask counselor if he is OCD or you are ADD so whoever needs help, can get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't generally like how your DH conducts his business, but in this case, I'd get at least some snow off the deck. Reason being that we might get even more snow on Friday, and then the weight might end up being an issue. Shoveling 4" of this powdery stuff, even on a large deck, should not be too difficult. If you don't want to do it, have the 16 year old do it. Presumably, she's in good health.

I'm going to go out and shovel like 300' of driveway later, because I don't want to end up having to shovel 8 or 10" of compacted snow, come Friday.

Um one inch is expected Friday. Calm down.

We were not expecting much snow in this storm, either. This prediction business is unreliable. I'm going to err on the side of caution.

This storm wasn't much snow.

*Buffalo native enters the chat*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH texted myself and 16 YO DD..."I'd like you two to tag team to get the snow off the deck. It's going to freeze tonight so I'd like that taken care of. Thx"

We got about 4 inches of snow. The deck is fairly large.
The deck is perfectly strong, no structural issues.
We are generally not using the deck, as, you know, it's winter.
He might use a small area of the deck near the house to grill IF the weather is nice, which at this time it is not. I could see clearning that off in case the weather gets nice enough to grill. But then, the snow would melt by itself.

DH has a history of being overly picky and controlling. Can't put jeans in the dryer because "too noisy". Gets upset if there are dishes in the sink, or you haven't loaded the dishwasher the way he wants. He will unpack it and reload it. We are not "allowed" to put small bowls on the top shelf, those must be placed on the bottom. We started using paper cups to reduce dishwasher complaints and now he complains about the paper cups taking up space in the trash. It's endless. I could go on and on.

This seems like an insane request to me. Who goes outside to move 1000 pounds of snow around a perfectly sound, unused structure if it's not necessary for some reason? What am I missing?

DCUM, AITA?

It seems he does grilling, dishwashing, laundry, trash throwing, house safety care etc so question is if he is just controlling or has to face consequences of whatever goes wrong so tries to get things right?

That being said in his favor, he sounds like an anxious OCD person for sure, even if not controlling. You've been probably know him for 20 years (kid is 16) so why is this bothering you now? If it bothered before, why you two haven't found a solution or sought counseling if you couldn't?

We both do these things. He just has "requirements" for the proper performance of the items in bold that I think are absurd. No clanking jeans in the laundry, really? Mad about paper cups in the trash, really? Rules on where bowls go? He's even controlling about whether the window shades should be up or down - in rooms he doesn't use and when he's not at home!

And we are in family counseling. Which he says is very helpful and "life changing" but I don't see it translating to these stupid, trivial interactions that spoil the family's days.

He sounds a controlling nightmare. The jeans thing is insane.

Having said that, I think, as a matter of marital respect, you should at least ask him why.

Him: I'd like you two to tag team to get the snow off the deck. It's going to freeze tonight so I'd like that taken care of. Thx

You: Why? I don’t think it’s worth the effort. Why do you think its freezing tonight would be a problem?

The fact that you can’t have a simple and natural exchange like that points to the necessity of the marriage counseling. And you need to open your mouth in counseling and say
“these small interactions spoil the family’s day”.