Wife is super rigid about showing up on time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team wife.

I guarantee there is more to this story, and it most likely involves DH always waiting until the last minute to get the kid ready, resulting in everyone always being late.

All of you who believe "5pm" really means "5:15" or "5:30" don't host much, do you?

It's a PITA to get everything ready for guests and then stand around for 15, 20, 30 or more minutes wondering when they plan to arrive.

I've set the expectation with my family and friends that whatever time we agree to meet, I will be there at that time. Not 5 minutes earlier, not 5 minutes late. At that time. I often wait in my car for a few minutes because I have arrived early, but I am knocking on the door at the agreed time. And I expect them to do the same.

Don't be coy and say "5pm" and then be in your bathrobe when your guests arrive. If you don't want people to come until 5:30, say so.

This must be regional. I live in NYC and it would be rude, flat out rude, to show up at a party at the stated time. Like a huge gaffe. The host(ess) would be gracious, but you would be the only guest for at least 20 minutes.

m

This exactly. I get annoyed when guests show up exactly on the dot. Much preferred if they come 15-20 minutes late

I hate being late! If your invitation says 5, I’ll try my darnest to be there at 5. My husband is always running late though so I’ll most likely get the late…drives me insane but I won’t run out the house without him.

Agree. If you want people there at 5:30, put 5:30 on the invitation.

[Anonymous]

If my DH left me at home to wrangle the 3 year old while he ran off the make sure he wasn’t late for dinner with mommy, I would not bother going at all. I’m impressed OP was mature enough to still go and act ok.

I get not wanting to be late for things, but that was definitely extreme and would not sit right with me at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm secondhand embarrassed for all these people railing on OP when they don't know basic good manners for visiting people. (I suspect a dose of misnadry, but I wouldn't accuse it.)

An invitation to arrive at 5 means you should arrive *after* 5. It's rude to crash a host before they are ready, and absurd to arrive exactly at a specific minute.

A good host announces 2 times: an "arrive after" time, and a "dinner is served" ("arive before") time.

https://emilypost.com/advice/party-etiquette-tips-for-hosts-and-guests

WTAF?? Did you even read your linked source?

#2 in How to Be a Good Guest says BE ON TIME. Your link literally says guest should arrive AT or a little after (no more than 15 min) the time stated on the invitation. Nowhere does it say it’s absurd to arrive on the dot.

Which is exactly what OP did.

Do you have a teleporter? How do you get somewhere *exactly* at a time?

You seriously can’t figure that out?
If you arrive before the appointed time you wait in the car. Or drive around. Or make a stop on the way if you’re super early. No teleporter necessary.

No thanks, I have other shit to do. I’m not going to plan for every possible contingency and then sit or drive around for half an hour just so I am not, God forbid, a few minutes late for dinner.

I leave a reasonable amount of time for unexpected minor delays, but sometimes shit happens and people are late.

Ok so you’re rude. And can’t plan for sh¡t. You do you boo.

Ok so you’re uptight. And apparently don’t have a life. You do you boo.

[Anonymous]

So I am a person who was always raised that to be "fashionably late" to a party was polite--give the host(ess) a buffer of 15 minutes or so after the stated time just in case s/he is running a bit late. I will not opine on the correctness or lack thereof of this practice, or any other.

My question is, for all the people who were taught to arrive on the dot of the stated time, do you generally have the experience that you are the first one there, or are there many people there already? I am genuinely curious, because on the rare occasions that I have been on time/closer to time, I've been the first or one of the very first to arrive. I wonder if this is just about different social circles? I do not run in government/military circles, where perhaps punctuality is more valued? Our crowd is more academic/artistic types.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my DH left me at home to wrangle the 3 year old while he ran off the make sure he wasn’t late for dinner with mommy, I would not bother going at all. I’m impressed OP was mature enough to still go and act ok.

I get not wanting to be late for things, but that was definitely extreme and would not sit right with me at all.

+1

Yeah. What kind of reign of terror is that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I am a person who was always raised that to be "fashionably late" to a party was polite--give the host(ess) a buffer of 15 minutes or so after the stated time just in case s/he is running a bit late. I will not opine on the correctness or lack thereof of this practice, or any other.

My question is, for all the people who were taught to arrive on the dot of the stated time, do you generally have the experience that you are the first one there, or are there many people there already? I am genuinely curious, because on the rare occasions that I have been on time/closer to time, I've been the first or one of the very first to arrive. I wonder if this is just about different social circles? I do not run in government/military circles, where perhaps punctuality is more valued? Our crowd is more academic/artistic types.

NP - to parties, sure. I'm generally very punctual, but for adult parties, I don't expect people to arrive on the dot. If they do, great, but I'm not annoyed if they're 10 minutes late or whatever.

When it's professional commitments, or time-limited occasions, or if someone keeps me waiting (and waiting) with no explanation, then it's annoying. I think you're right that different circles value punctuality more or less, for sure. It's hard to tell from the OP whether the spouse is super rigid or just punctual and fed up with the OP's lack of punctuality (or something in between).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm secondhand embarrassed for all these people railing on OP when they don't know basic good manners for visiting people. (I suspect a dose of misnadry, but I wouldn't accuse it.)

An invitation to arrive at 5 means you should arrive *after* 5. It's rude to crash a host before they are ready, and absurd to arrive exactly at a specific minute.

A good host announces 2 times: an "arrive after" time, and a "dinner is served" ("arive before") time.

https://emilypost.com/advice/party-etiquette-tips-for-hosts-and-guests

WTAF?? Did you even read your linked source?

#2 in How to Be a Good Guest says BE ON TIME. Your link literally says guest should arrive AT or a little after (no more than 15 min) the time stated on the invitation. Nowhere does it say it’s absurd to arrive on the dot.

Which is exactly what OP did.

Do you have a teleporter? How do you get somewhere *exactly* at a time?

You seriously can’t figure that out?
If you arrive before the appointed time you wait in the car. Or drive around. Or make a stop on the way if you’re super early. No teleporter necessary.

No thanks, I have other shit to do. I’m not going to plan for every possible contingency and then sit or drive around for half an hour just so I am not, God forbid, a few minutes late for dinner.

I leave a reasonable amount of time for unexpected minor delays, but sometimes shit happens and people are late.

Ok so you’re rude. And can’t plan for sh¡t. You do you boo.

Ok so you’re uptight. And apparently don’t have a life. You do you boo.

Yes, and yes! See how I own that? Super easy. Self awareness is a gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I am a person who was always raised that to be "fashionably late" to a party was polite--give the host(ess) a buffer of 15 minutes or so after the stated time just in case s/he is running a bit late. I will not opine on the correctness or lack thereof of this practice, or any other.

My question is, for all the people who were taught to arrive on the dot of the stated time, do you generally have the experience that you are the first one there, or are there many people there already? I am genuinely curious, because on the rare occasions that I have been on time/closer to time, I've been the first or one of the very first to arrive. I wonder if this is just about different social circles? I do not run in government/military circles, where perhaps punctuality is more valued? Our crowd is more academic/artistic types.

+1. We are UMC well educated professional types and all of this tracks with our experience as well.

For an actual coming-and-going party (adults), 30 minutes after the start time.
For a dinner party, 15 minutes late.
For a kids party, 15 minutes late.
For an obligation which is time sensitive (tickets, dinner reservations etc), or where you are meeting someone at a destination (meeting at the mall or coffee), absolutely be on time.

But for the first three, give the host grace to get things set up. I wonder for the adults who show up on time and are likely the only people there for 15+ minutes, do you smugly revel on how you're the only invitee who is on time for things? Or do you recognize that you are inconveniencing the host?

fwiw my father is Autistic, and he shows up to everything 5 minutes early because of anxiety, and his lack of social awareness means he doesn't notice how much he is inconveniencing and intruding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I am a person who was always raised that to be "fashionably late" to a party was polite--give the host(ess) a buffer of 15 minutes or so after the stated time just in case s/he is running a bit late. I will not opine on the correctness or lack thereof of this practice, or any other.

My question is, for all the people who were taught to arrive on the dot of the stated time, do you generally have the experience that you are the first one there, or are there many people there already? I am genuinely curious, because on the rare occasions that I have been on time/closer to time, I've been the first or one of the very first to arrive. I wonder if this is just about different social circles? I do not run in government/military circles, where perhaps punctuality is more valued? Our crowd is more academic/artistic types.

+1. We are UMC well educated professional types and all of this tracks with our experience as well.

For an actual coming-and-going party (adults), 30 minutes after the start time.
For a dinner party, 15 minutes late.
For a kids party, 15 minutes late.
For an obligation which is time sensitive (tickets, dinner reservations etc), or where you are meeting someone at a destination (meeting at the mall or coffee), absolutely be on time.

But for the first three, give the host grace to get things set up. I wonder for the adults who show up on time and are likely the only people there for 15+ minutes, do you smugly revel on how you're the only invitee who is on time for things? Or do you recognize that you are inconveniencing the host?

fwiw my father is Autistic, and he shows up to everything 5 minutes early because of anxiety, and his lack of social awareness means he doesn't notice how much he is inconveniencing and intruding.

DP and this tracks with my experience as well. I wanted to add that most invites to friends/family’s homes are rather informal too — usually it’s a text like “come over around 5 and we’ll eat around 6:30.” I’m very grateful that my social circle is laid back enough that no one is going to be fretting over catching every traffic light or a delay over a wrangling a toddler. If I’m hosting I want people relaxed when they arrive not worried that I’m going to bite their head off if they aren’t here at some anointed time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I am a person who was always raised that to be "fashionably late" to a party was polite--give the host(ess) a buffer of 15 minutes or so after the stated time just in case s/he is running a bit late. I will not opine on the correctness or lack thereof of this practice, or any other.

My question is, for all the people who were taught to arrive on the dot of the stated time, do you generally have the experience that you are the first one there, or are there many people there already? I am genuinely curious, because on the rare occasions that I have been on time/closer to time, I've been the first or one of the very first to arrive. I wonder if this is just about different social circles? I do not run in government/military circles, where perhaps punctuality is more valued? Our crowd is more academic/artistic types.

+1. We are UMC well educated professional types and all of this tracks with our experience as well.

For an actual coming-and-going party (adults), 30 minutes after the start time.
For a dinner party, 15 minutes late.
For a kids party, 15 minutes late.
For an obligation which is time sensitive (tickets, dinner reservations etc), or where you are meeting someone at a destination (meeting at the mall or coffee), absolutely be on time.

But for the first three, give the host grace to get things set up. I wonder for the adults who show up on time and are likely the only people there for 15+ minutes, do you smugly revel on how you're the only invitee who is on time for things? Or do you recognize that you are inconveniencing the host?

fwiw my father is Autistic, and he shows up to everything 5 minutes early because of anxiety, and his lack of social awareness means he doesn't notice how much he is inconveniencing and intruding.

When throwing a party, if I write 5 on the invite, that is the start of the party. If I don’t have my things together by 5, then I suck at hosting (has never happened). You are not an inconvenience when you show up on time. That is just absurd.

[Anonymous]

I'm an on-time person and here's what I believe:

For a not-sit-down party: Within 30 mins of the stated time.
For a sit-down meal: Within 15 minutes of the stated time.

BUT

For hosts who I know are expecting me at the stated time, I appear at the stated time.

This would apply to OP's wife's relationship with her parents. OP claims "there is some nuance to this" but he doesn't seem to understand that OP knows what her parents want, their family culture is what it is, and normal rules of etiquette between social acquaintances are not necessarily applicable. It's funny how when people are "laid back", all the rules are bent in their favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I am a person who was always raised that to be "fashionably late" to a party was polite--give the host(ess) a buffer of 15 minutes or so after the stated time just in case s/he is running a bit late. I will not opine on the correctness or lack thereof of this practice, or any other.

My question is, for all the people who were taught to arrive on the dot of the stated time, do you generally have the experience that you are the first one there, or are there many people there already? I am genuinely curious, because on the rare occasions that I have been on time/closer to time, I've been the first or one of the very first to arrive. I wonder if this is just about different social circles? I do not run in government/military circles, where perhaps punctuality is more valued? Our crowd is more academic/artistic types.

+1. We are UMC well educated professional types and all of this tracks with our experience as well.

For an actual coming-and-going party (adults), 30 minutes after the start time.
For a dinner party, 15 minutes late.
For a kids party, 15 minutes late.
For an obligation which is time sensitive (tickets, dinner reservations etc), or where you are meeting someone at a destination (meeting at the mall or coffee), absolutely be on time.

But for the first three, give the host grace to get things set up. I wonder for the adults who show up on time and are likely the only people there for 15+ minutes, do you smugly revel on how you're the only invitee who is on time for things? Or do you recognize that you are inconveniencing the host?

fwiw my father is Autistic, and he shows up to everything 5 minutes early because of anxiety, and his lack of social awareness means he doesn't notice how much he is inconveniencing and intruding.

Emily post disagrees with you. Showing up on time is not inconveniencing the host. It is expected of the guest. You do have a 15 min GRACE PERIOD, but that is if you are stuck in traffic or didn’t plan well.

Imma go with Emily Post over some internet rando.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I am a person who was always raised that to be "fashionably late" to a party was polite--give the host(ess) a buffer of 15 minutes or so after the stated time just in case s/he is running a bit late. I will not opine on the correctness or lack thereof of this practice, or any other.

My question is, for all the people who were taught to arrive on the dot of the stated time, do you generally have the experience that you are the first one there, or are there many people there already? I am genuinely curious, because on the rare occasions that I have been on time/closer to time, I've been the first or one of the very first to arrive. I wonder if this is just about different social circles? I do not run in government/military circles, where perhaps punctuality is more valued? Our crowd is more academic/artistic types.

+1. We are UMC well educated professional types and all of this tracks with our experience as well.

For an actual coming-and-going party (adults), 30 minutes after the start time.
For a dinner party, 15 minutes late.
For a kids party, 15 minutes late.
For an obligation which is time sensitive (tickets, dinner reservations etc), or where you are meeting someone at a destination (meeting at the mall or coffee), absolutely be on time.

But for the first three, give the host grace to get things set up. I wonder for the adults who show up on time and are likely the only people there for 15+ minutes, do you smugly revel on how you're the only invitee who is on time for things? Or do you recognize that you are inconveniencing the host?

fwiw my father is Autistic, and he shows up to everything 5 minutes early because of anxiety, and his lack of social awareness means he doesn't notice how much he is inconveniencing and intruding.

When throwing a party, if I write 5 on the invite, that is the start of the party. If I don’t have my things together by 5, then I suck at hosting (has never happened). You are not an inconvenience when you show up on time. That is just absurd.

+1 million. I can't believe anyone would issue an invitation that says the party starts at 5 and be shocked and annoyed when someone shows up at 5....

[Anonymous]

This could be me (but it isn't). When my family says to arrive at 5pm they mean 4:55pm. It is very anxiety provoking for me to be late to a family event, and I admit I don't handle it in the best way if the kids are taking 20 minutes to tie their shoes etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She learned that punctuality from her parents

+1. Being late around her parents is probably the most triggering event that can happen for her. Not to mention, her parents are likely to say something to her (not to you).