AITA for not wanting DH to give MIL 4K to clear a debt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes help her! She's your DH's mom!

Also, FWIW, there are plenty on here questioning your financial choices OP. God forbid, you need money in the future and your child's spouse makes judgements and refuses to help you out.

Exactly how much of their savings do you think MIL is entitled to? OMG, she's his mom! Give her the whole $40K! Give her his whole paycheck, why not? Let her have whatever she wants for her MLM "business". Your family can move into a studio apartment with the kids. It will be great.

She's not entitled to anything but OP's husband has respectfully asked OP to do this for his mother. The kind thing to do (towards both the husband and the mother) is to give the 4k.

The kind thing for the mother to do would be to get a job and to make better choices so that she doesn't burden her adult children with her problems while they are trying to raise their own families.

The kind thing for the husband to do would be to propose a realistic plan that helps his mother without causing his own family financial problems. But this DH has had his head in the sand and now is wanting to hand over 10% of their savings with no plan, no strings attached, and no understanding of the fact that he is *already* living above his means and can't afford to do this. Kindness my foot, whatever happened to responsibility?

The good news is there are SO MANY businesses out there looking to hire 70 year olds with spotty work histories for high paying jobs. It's just that easy!

I'm not saying she can make a lot of money. But surely there is *some* paid work she can do. If she can babysit her grandchild, then she can find a simiar babysitting job this summer, for example. Even if she just babysits once a week, it would cover her groceries. If she is not capable of babysitting, SIL needs to be notified immediately.

I don't know who's going to hire a 70 year old to babysit - but we don't have any reason to believe she's not already covering her own groceries. She has SS coming in.

SIL is going to hire her to babysit, right? Right?

I think to want money without making *any* effort towards earning is gauche, entitled, and ungrateful. If this MLM is "work", I would want to know how much she has earned, and how much debt she has taken on to participate in the MLM. I think if OP's DH starts poking around, he'll find a lot of little surprises like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father "retired" after he was fired from his job in his 60s. He got into a very bad place mentally and financially. It was 100% his "fault" and he made a bunch of stupid decisions that caused his problems.

I felt very lucky that I was in a place to help him get out of that hole and support him until he got back on his feet. He is my dad. He supported me my entire childhood and I love him. He needed help, and I could help him. It was an easy decision.

I was not married then, but I think if my DH had opposed my giving much needed financial help to my dad, that would have really made he see DH differently (and not in a good way).

OP, imagine this were your mom, and see if that changes your thinking. If it does, then consider that is how your DH feels about his mom and think about how the things you are saying must sound to him.

But would you feel that way if you had your own children to support and not enough savings of your own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes op you are a huge AH. Do you want her to work u til she dies? She’s 69!

Op here. She only worked for about 20 years, is super healthy, looks to be in her 50s, and could easily get a (desk) job in her field making 100K. She just doesn’t want to work anymore but didn’t save enough to live on. I’ve been working longer than she has in my mid forties.

She didn't save for old age because she was making sacrifices for her son.

You are a galactically huge AH.

No, she actually made a series of poor financial choices including multiple divorces, repeated custody battles, and staying at home for 20 years and not working.

Because taking care of kids and a home is “not working.” Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father "retired" after he was fired from his job in his 60s. He got into a very bad place mentally and financially. It was 100% his "fault" and he made a bunch of stupid decisions that caused his problems.

I felt very lucky that I was in a place to help him get out of that hole and support him until he got back on his feet. He is my dad. He supported me my entire childhood and I love him. He needed help, and I could help him. It was an easy decision.

I was not married then, but I think if my DH had opposed my giving much needed financial help to my dad, that would have really made he see DH differently (and not in a good way).

OP, imagine this were your mom, and see if that changes your thinking. If it does, then consider that is how your DH feels about his mom and think about how the things you are saying must sound to him.

It's one thing to do that when you're younger and single and your money belongs to you alone with very few firm obligations. But when you get older and have to save for your own retirement and kids, and all of your savings is the product of your DH's effort as well as yours, it feels totally different. I doubt you would have supported your dad to the point of running out of money yourself. The $40K that OP has saved will be gone so fast in this situation, and then they'll have nothing. Nobody should ask that of their spouse. If you approached your DH about something like this today, I hope you would come in with a realistic plan to address your father's underlying issues and keep your own family finances stable. Not just "gimme money, he's my dad".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes op you are a huge AH. Do you want her to work u til she dies? She’s 69!

Op here. She only worked for about 20 years, is super healthy, looks to be in her 50s, and could easily get a (desk) job in her field making 100K. She just doesn’t want to work anymore but didn’t save enough to live on. I’ve been working longer than she has in my mid forties.

She didn't save for old age because she was making sacrifices for her son.

You are a galactically huge AH.

No, she actually made a series of poor financial choices including multiple divorces, repeated custody battles, and staying at home for 20 years and not working.

Because taking care of kids and a home is “not working.” Got it.

Do any of her children actually need a 20-year full-time SAHM? Sorry but lots of women work at least part-time after the children enter school. Do you know why? Oh right, for retirement security! And to avoid being a burden on those very same children. Sounds crazy I know, but I would much rather my mom worked at least part-time than be in this situation as an adult child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes help her! She's your DH's mom!

Also, FWIW, there are plenty on here questioning your financial choices OP. God forbid, you need money in the future and your child's spouse makes judgements and refuses to help you out.

Exactly how much of their savings do you think MIL is entitled to? OMG, she's his mom! Give her the whole $40K! Give her his whole paycheck, why not? Let her have whatever she wants for her MLM "business". Your family can move into a studio apartment with the kids. It will be great.

She's not entitled to anything but OP's husband has respectfully asked OP to do this for his mother. The kind thing to do (towards both the husband and the mother) is to give the 4k.

The kind thing for the mother to do would be to get a job and to make better choices so that she doesn't burden her adult children with her problems while they are trying to raise their own families.

The kind thing for the husband to do would be to propose a realistic plan that helps his mother without causing his own family financial problems. But this DH has had his head in the sand and now is wanting to hand over 10% of their savings with no plan, no strings attached, and no understanding of the fact that he is *already* living above his means and can't afford to do this. Kindness my foot, whatever happened to responsibility?

The good news is there are SO MANY businesses out there looking to hire 70 year olds with spotty work histories for high paying jobs. It's just that easy!

I'm not saying she can make a lot of money. But surely there is *some* paid work she can do. If she can babysit her grandchild, then she can find a simiar babysitting job this summer, for example. Even if she just babysits once a week, it would cover her groceries. If she is not capable of babysitting, SIL needs to be notified immediately.

I don't know who's going to hire a 70 year old to babysit - but we don't have any reason to believe she's not already covering her own groceries. She has SS coming in.

SIL is going to hire her to babysit, right? Right?

I think to want money without making *any* effort towards earning is gauche, entitled, and ungrateful. If this MLM is "work", I would want to know how much she has earned, and how much debt she has taken on to participate in the MLM. I think if OP's DH starts poking around, he'll find a lot of little surprises like that.

If my mother was desperate, I'd 'pay' her to watch my kids. I am not hiring a random 69 year old to do the same thing because if I'm paying a babysitter, I want one who can keep up with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes help her! She's your DH's mom!

Also, FWIW, there are plenty on here questioning your financial choices OP. God forbid, you need money in the future and your child's spouse makes judgements and refuses to help you out.

Exactly how much of their savings do you think MIL is entitled to? OMG, she's his mom! Give her the whole $40K! Give her his whole paycheck, why not? Let her have whatever she wants for her MLM "business". Your family can move into a studio apartment with the kids. It will be great.

She's not entitled to anything but OP's husband has respectfully asked OP to do this for his mother. The kind thing to do (towards both the husband and the mother) is to give the 4k.

The kind thing for the mother to do would be to get a job and to make better choices so that she doesn't burden her adult children with her problems while they are trying to raise their own families.

The kind thing for the husband to do would be to propose a realistic plan that helps his mother without causing his own family financial problems. But this DH has had his head in the sand and now is wanting to hand over 10% of their savings with no plan, no strings attached, and no understanding of the fact that he is *already* living above his means and can't afford to do this. Kindness my foot, whatever happened to responsibility?

The good news is there are SO MANY businesses out there looking to hire 70 year olds with spotty work histories for high paying jobs. It's just that easy!

I'm not saying she can make a lot of money. But surely there is *some* paid work she can do. If she can babysit her grandchild, then she can find a simiar babysitting job this summer, for example. Even if she just babysits once a week, it would cover her groceries. If she is not capable of babysitting, SIL needs to be notified immediately.

I don't know who's going to hire a 70 year old to babysit - but we don't have any reason to believe she's not already covering her own groceries. She has SS coming in.

SIL is going to hire her to babysit, right? Right?

I think to want money without making *any* effort towards earning is gauche, entitled, and ungrateful. If this MLM is "work", I would want to know how much she has earned, and how much debt she has taken on to participate in the MLM. I think if OP's DH starts poking around, he'll find a lot of little surprises like that.

If my mother was desperate, I'd 'pay' her to watch my kids. I am not hiring a random 69 year old to do the same thing because if I'm paying a babysitter, I want one who can keep up with kids.

Also just flagging PPP's use of the word "gauche" here - so she thinks this woman's husband's mother is tacky and low class, and that's why she doesn't deserve her son to help her.

Meanwhile over in another thread some OP's just been given two million for a house by a family member, but that's just normal. If someone really needs the help, it's tacky to give it - if they don't, it's just rich people preserving intergenerational wealth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes help her! She's your DH's mom!

Also, FWIW, there are plenty on here questioning your financial choices OP. God forbid, you need money in the future and your child's spouse makes judgements and refuses to help you out.

Exactly how much of their savings do you think MIL is entitled to? OMG, she's his mom! Give her the whole $40K! Give her his whole paycheck, why not? Let her have whatever she wants for her MLM "business". Your family can move into a studio apartment with the kids. It will be great.

She's not entitled to anything but OP's husband has respectfully asked OP to do this for his mother. The kind thing to do (towards both the husband and the mother) is to give the 4k.

The kind thing for the mother to do would be to get a job and to make better choices so that she doesn't burden her adult children with her problems while they are trying to raise their own families.

The kind thing for the husband to do would be to propose a realistic plan that helps his mother without causing his own family financial problems. But this DH has had his head in the sand and now is wanting to hand over 10% of their savings with no plan, no strings attached, and no understanding of the fact that he is *already* living above his means and can't afford to do this. Kindness my foot, whatever happened to responsibility?

The good news is there are SO MANY businesses out there looking to hire 70 year olds with spotty work histories for high paying jobs. It's just that easy!

I'm not saying she can make a lot of money. But surely there is *some* paid work she can do. If she can babysit her grandchild, then she can find a simiar babysitting job this summer, for example. Even if she just babysits once a week, it would cover her groceries. If she is not capable of babysitting, SIL needs to be notified immediately.

I don't know who's going to hire a 70 year old to babysit - but we don't have any reason to believe she's not already covering her own groceries. She has SS coming in.

SIL is going to hire her to babysit, right? Right?

I think to want money without making *any* effort towards earning is gauche, entitled, and ungrateful. If this MLM is "work", I would want to know how much she has earned, and how much debt she has taken on to participate in the MLM. I think if OP's DH starts poking around, he'll find a lot of little surprises like that.

If my mother was desperate, I'd 'pay' her to watch my kids. I am not hiring a random 69 year old to do the same thing because if I'm paying a babysitter, I want one who can keep up with kids.

Also just flagging PPP's use of the word "gauche" here - so she thinks this woman's husband's mother is tacky and low class, and that's why she doesn't deserve her son to help her.

Meanwhile over in another thread some OP's just been given two million for a house by a family member, but that's just normal. If someone really needs the help, it's tacky to give it - if they don't, it's just rich people preserving intergenerational wealth.

No, wanting money without even trying to earn money is what's tacky and gauche. It's not tacky to be poor. It's tacky to expect help while not even trying to help yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes help her! She's your DH's mom!

Also, FWIW, there are plenty on here questioning your financial choices OP. God forbid, you need money in the future and your child's spouse makes judgements and refuses to help you out.

Exactly how much of their savings do you think MIL is entitled to? OMG, she's his mom! Give her the whole $40K! Give her his whole paycheck, why not? Let her have whatever she wants for her MLM "business". Your family can move into a studio apartment with the kids. It will be great.

She's not entitled to anything but OP's husband has respectfully asked OP to do this for his mother. The kind thing to do (towards both the husband and the mother) is to give the 4k.

The kind thing for the mother to do would be to get a job and to make better choices so that she doesn't burden her adult children with her problems while they are trying to raise their own families.

The kind thing for the husband to do would be to propose a realistic plan that helps his mother without causing his own family financial problems. But this DH has had his head in the sand and now is wanting to hand over 10% of their savings with no plan, no strings attached, and no understanding of the fact that he is *already* living above his means and can't afford to do this. Kindness my foot, whatever happened to responsibility?

The good news is there are SO MANY businesses out there looking to hire 70 year olds with spotty work histories for high paying jobs. It's just that easy!

I'm not saying she can make a lot of money. But surely there is *some* paid work she can do. If she can babysit her grandchild, then she can find a simiar babysitting job this summer, for example. Even if she just babysits once a week, it would cover her groceries. If she is not capable of babysitting, SIL needs to be notified immediately.

I don't know who's going to hire a 70 year old to babysit - but we don't have any reason to believe she's not already covering her own groceries. She has SS coming in.

SIL is going to hire her to babysit, right? Right?

I think to want money without making *any* effort towards earning is gauche, entitled, and ungrateful. If this MLM is "work", I would want to know how much she has earned, and how much debt she has taken on to participate in the MLM. I think if OP's DH starts poking around, he'll find a lot of little surprises like that.

If my mother was desperate, I'd 'pay' her to watch my kids. I am not hiring a random 69 year old to do the same thing because if I'm paying a babysitter, I want one who can keep up with kids.

Which is why this babysitting "job" will swiftly fall apart. It's one thing to have an infant who naps twice a day (assuming SIL's baby does that), but after the first year, it's a totally different job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have a coronary if I had only 40k saved with kids I needed to see through college.

OP said it was on top of college and retirement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have a coronary if I had only 40k saved with kids I needed to see through college.

OP said it was on top of college and retirement

Well yes, but she didn't say how much she has saved for college and retirement. She said "We each retirement accounts and kids have college accounts but our total cash savings right now is 50K." But having those accounts is not the same thing as having adequate savings *in* those accounts.

Since there are many competing goals here (college, retirement, their house, MIL bailout), OP and her DH need a financial planner. But DH wont' want to go, because he knows he won't like what he hears.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes help her! She's your DH's mom!

Also, FWIW, there are plenty on here questioning your financial choices OP. God forbid, you need money in the future and your child's spouse makes judgements and refuses to help you out.

Exactly how much of their savings do you think MIL is entitled to? OMG, she's his mom! Give her the whole $40K! Give her his whole paycheck, why not? Let her have whatever she wants for her MLM "business". Your family can move into a studio apartment with the kids. It will be great.

She's not entitled to anything but OP's husband has respectfully asked OP to do this for his mother. The kind thing to do (towards both the husband and the mother) is to give the 4k.

The kind thing for the mother to do would be to get a job and to make better choices so that she doesn't burden her adult children with her problems while they are trying to raise their own families.

The kind thing for the husband to do would be to propose a realistic plan that helps his mother without causing his own family financial problems. But this DH has had his head in the sand and now is wanting to hand over 10% of their savings with no plan, no strings attached, and no understanding of the fact that he is *already* living above his means and can't afford to do this. Kindness my foot, whatever happened to responsibility?

The good news is there are SO MANY businesses out there looking to hire 70 year olds with spotty work histories for high paying jobs. It's just that easy!

I'm not saying she can make a lot of money. But surely there is *some* paid work she can do. If she can babysit her grandchild, then she can find a simiar babysitting job this summer, for example. Even if she just babysits once a week, it would cover her groceries. If she is not capable of babysitting, SIL needs to be notified immediately.

I don't know who's going to hire a 70 year old to babysit - but we don't have any reason to believe she's not already covering her own groceries. She has SS coming in.

SIL is going to hire her to babysit, right? Right?

I think to want money without making *any* effort towards earning is gauche, entitled, and ungrateful. If this MLM is "work", I would want to know how much she has earned, and how much debt she has taken on to participate in the MLM. I think if OP's DH starts poking around, he'll find a lot of little surprises like that.

If my mother was desperate, I'd 'pay' her to watch my kids. I am not hiring a random 69 year old to do the same thing because if I'm paying a babysitter, I want one who can keep up with kids.

Also just flagging PPP's use of the word "gauche" here - so she thinks this woman's husband's mother is tacky and low class, and that's why she doesn't deserve her son to help her.

Meanwhile over in another thread some OP's just been given two million for a house by a family member, but that's just normal. If someone really needs the help, it's tacky to give it - if they don't, it's just rich people preserving intergenerational wealth.

No, wanting money without even trying to earn money is what's tacky and gauche. It's not tacky to be poor. It's tacky to expect help while not even trying to help yourself.

The mother didn't ask for help. Her kids decided between themselves to give it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes op you are a huge AH. Do you want her to work u til she dies? She’s 69!

Op here. She only worked for about 20 years, is super healthy, looks to be in her 50s, and could easily get a (desk) job in her field making 100K. She just doesn’t want to work anymore but didn’t save enough to live on. I’ve been working longer than she has in my mid forties.

She didn't save for old age because she was making sacrifices for her son.

You are a galactically huge AH.

No, she actually made a series of poor financial choices including multiple divorces, repeated custody battles, and staying at home for 20 years and not working.

Because taking care of kids and a home is “not working.” Got it.

Do any of her children actually need a 20-year full-time SAHM? Sorry but lots of women work at least part-time after the children enter school. Do you know why? Oh right, for retirement security! And to avoid being a burden on those very same children. Sounds crazy I know, but I would much rather my mom worked at least part-time than be in this situation as an adult child.

You don’t really know what their situation was because you were not there to see it with adult eyes. Your husband’s recollections are those of the child he was at that time. If she is 69, opportunities for her were far more limited than they are for young and middle aged women today. It wouldn’t hurt for you to have a little understanding and compassion for the woman who reared your husband under what were at times difficult circumstances (divorce, custody issues).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes op you are a huge AH. Do you want her to work u til she dies? She’s 69!

Op here. She only worked for about 20 years, is super healthy, looks to be in her 50s, and could easily get a (desk) job in her field making 100K. She just doesn’t want to work anymore but didn’t save enough to live on. I’ve been working longer than she has in my mid forties.

She didn't save for old age because she was making sacrifices for her son.

You are a galactically huge AH.

No, she actually made a series of poor financial choices including multiple divorces, repeated custody battles, and staying at home for 20 years and not working.

Because taking care of kids and a home is “not working.” Got it.

Do any of her children actually need a 20-year full-time SAHM? Sorry but lots of women work at least part-time after the children enter school. Do you know why? Oh right, for retirement security! And to avoid being a burden on those very same children. Sounds crazy I know, but I would much rather my mom worked at least part-time than be in this situation as an adult child.

You don’t really know what their situation was because you were not there to see it with adult eyes. Your husband’s recollections are those of the child he was at that time. If she is 69, opportunities for her were far more limited than they are for young and middle aged women today. It wouldn’t hurt for you to have a little understanding and compassion for the woman who reared your husband under what were at times difficult circumstances (divorce, custody issues).

I'm the person who wrote that but I'm not the OP.

Please explain again why someone who was born ca. 1954 cannot be expected to have worked at all. In the year 1990 she would have been 35 years old. The US women's labor force participation rate in 1990 was about 70%.

https://equitablegrowth.org/womens-history-month-u-s-womens-labor-force-participation/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes help her! She's your DH's mom!

Also, FWIW, there are plenty on here questioning your financial choices OP. God forbid, you need money in the future and your child's spouse makes judgements and refuses to help you out.

Exactly how much of their savings do you think MIL is entitled to? OMG, she's his mom! Give her the whole $40K! Give her his whole paycheck, why not? Let her have whatever she wants for her MLM "business". Your family can move into a studio apartment with the kids. It will be great.

She's not entitled to anything but OP's husband has respectfully asked OP to do this for his mother. The kind thing to do (towards both the husband and the mother) is to give the 4k.

The kind thing for the mother to do would be to get a job and to make better choices so that she doesn't burden her adult children with her problems while they are trying to raise their own families.

The kind thing for the husband to do would be to propose a realistic plan that helps his mother without causing his own family financial problems. But this DH has had his head in the sand and now is wanting to hand over 10% of their savings with no plan, no strings attached, and no understanding of the fact that he is *already* living above his means and can't afford to do this. Kindness my foot, whatever happened to responsibility?

The good news is there are SO MANY businesses out there looking to hire 70 year olds with spotty work histories for high paying jobs. It's just that easy!

I'm not saying she can make a lot of money. But surely there is *some* paid work she can do. If she can babysit her grandchild, then she can find a simiar babysitting job this summer, for example. Even if she just babysits once a week, it would cover her groceries. If she is not capable of babysitting, SIL needs to be notified immediately.

I don't know who's going to hire a 70 year old to babysit - but we don't have any reason to believe she's not already covering her own groceries. She has SS coming in.

SIL is going to hire her to babysit, right? Right?

I think to want money without making *any* effort towards earning is gauche, entitled, and ungrateful. If this MLM is "work", I would want to know how much she has earned, and how much debt she has taken on to participate in the MLM. I think if OP's DH starts poking around, he'll find a lot of little surprises like that.

If my mother was desperate, I'd 'pay' her to watch my kids. I am not hiring a random 69 year old to do the same thing because if I'm paying a babysitter, I want one who can keep up with kids.

Also just flagging PPP's use of the word "gauche" here - so she thinks this woman's husband's mother is tacky and low class, and that's why she doesn't deserve her son to help her.

Meanwhile over in another thread some OP's just been given two million for a house by a family member, but that's just normal. If someone really needs the help, it's tacky to give it - if they don't, it's just rich people preserving intergenerational wealth.

No, wanting money without even trying to earn money is what's tacky and gauche. It's not tacky to be poor. It's tacky to expect help while not even trying to help yourself.

The mother didn't ask for help. Her kids decided between themselves to give it.

But she will ask for help just as soon as she runs out of cash. And you know that.