AITA for not wanting DH to give MIL 4K to clear a debt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes help her! She's your DH's mom!

Also, FWIW, there are plenty on here questioning your financial choices OP. God forbid, you need money in the future and your child's spouse makes judgements and refuses to help you out.

Exactly how much of their savings do you think MIL is entitled to? OMG, she's his mom! Give her the whole $40K! Give her his whole paycheck, why not? Let her have whatever she wants for her MLM "business". Your family can move into a studio apartment with the kids. It will be great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes help her! She's your DH's mom!

Also, FWIW, there are plenty on here questioning your financial choices OP. God forbid, you need money in the future and your child's spouse makes judgements and refuses to help you out.

Exactly how much of their savings do you think MIL is entitled to? OMG, she's his mom! Give her the whole $40K! Give her his whole paycheck, why not? Let her have whatever she wants for her MLM "business". Your family can move into a studio apartment with the kids. It will be great.

She's not entitled to anything but OP's husband has respectfully asked OP to do this for his mother. The kind thing to do (towards both the husband and the mother) is to give the 4k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes op you are a huge AH. Do you want her to work u til she dies? She’s 69!

Op here. She only worked for about 20 years, is super healthy, looks to be in her 50s, and could easily get a (desk) job in her field making 100K. She just doesn’t want to work anymore but didn’t save enough to live on. I’ve been working longer than she has in my mid forties.

You're telling me that a 69 year old woman could "easily" get a job making $100k = but never earned enough to save more than $150k for retirement?

You're not really making sense, OP - and you are being really stingy and petty.

She finally ascended to the C suite in the nonprofit sector in her area when she was fired. She knows the industry and her area well and is well networked. She has not tried at all to get a job since. She flat out has told us she is tired of workplace drama, managing people and kissing the CEO’s butt, etc. She also won’t get a side hustle
That could also supplement her income, so instead chooses to putter around her house all day. She doesn’t have enough money left to travel, go on vacation, or really do anything but sit in the house and pay basic expenses. And that irritates me as a working adult who started working at age 15 and will be working for probably 30 more years.

OP, the money she would earn would not supplement her income. You have to pay social security back from your earnings until you hit age 70. And since she took SS at a lower benefit rate, it wouldn’t make financial sense to work and pay the social security benefit back to the government. You’re misguided in your belief regarding her opportunities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes help her! She's your DH's mom!

Also, FWIW, there are plenty on here questioning your financial choices OP. God forbid, you need money in the future and your child's spouse makes judgements and refuses to help you out.

Exactly how much of their savings do you think MIL is entitled to? OMG, she's his mom! Give her the whole $40K! Give her his whole paycheck, why not? Let her have whatever she wants for her MLM "business". Your family can move into a studio apartment with the kids. It will be great.

She's not entitled to anything but OP's husband has respectfully asked OP to do this for his mother. The kind thing to do (towards both the husband and the mother) is to give the 4k.

The kind thing for the mother to do would be to get a job and to make better choices so that she doesn't burden her adult children with her problems while they are trying to raise their own families.

The kind thing for the husband to do would be to propose a realistic plan that helps his mother without causing his own family financial problems. But this DH has had his head in the sand and now is wanting to hand over 10% of their savings with no plan, no strings attached, and no understanding of the fact that he is *already* living above his means and can't afford to do this. Kindness my foot, whatever happened to responsibility?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes help her! She's your DH's mom!

Also, FWIW, there are plenty on here questioning your financial choices OP. God forbid, you need money in the future and your child's spouse makes judgements and refuses to help you out.

Exactly how much of their savings do you think MIL is entitled to? OMG, she's his mom! Give her the whole $40K! Give her his whole paycheck, why not? Let her have whatever she wants for her MLM "business". Your family can move into a studio apartment with the kids. It will be great.

She's not entitled to anything but OP's husband has respectfully asked OP to do this for his mother. The kind thing to do (towards both the husband and the mother) is to give the 4k.

It's not a respectful ask, it's a stupid and short-sighted ask that allows him to continue to enable his mother at the expense of his wife and children. If he truly had respect for his wife, he would acknowledge how hard they both worked to save this money and not just give it away so lightly. And if he really respected his wife he would want to plan for his and her retirement security, not just give it away to enable his mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes help her! She's your DH's mom!

Also, FWIW, there are plenty on here questioning your financial choices OP. God forbid, you need money in the future and your child's spouse makes judgements and refuses to help you out.

Exactly how much of their savings do you think MIL is entitled to? OMG, she's his mom! Give her the whole $40K! Give her his whole paycheck, why not? Let her have whatever she wants for her MLM "business". Your family can move into a studio apartment with the kids. It will be great.

She's not entitled to anything but OP's husband has respectfully asked OP to do this for his mother. The kind thing to do (towards both the husband and the mother) is to give the 4k.

The kind thing for the mother to do would be to get a job and to make better choices so that she doesn't burden her adult children with her problems while they are trying to raise their own families.

The kind thing for the husband to do would be to propose a realistic plan that helps his mother without causing his own family financial problems. But this DH has had his head in the sand and now is wanting to hand over 10% of their savings with no plan, no strings attached, and no understanding of the fact that he is *already* living above his means and can't afford to do this. Kindness my foot, whatever happened to responsibility?

Wow you sound like a joy to be around and a lovely family member.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes help her! She's your DH's mom!

Also, FWIW, there are plenty on here questioning your financial choices OP. God forbid, you need money in the future and your child's spouse makes judgements and refuses to help you out.

Exactly how much of their savings do you think MIL is entitled to? OMG, she's his mom! Give her the whole $40K! Give her his whole paycheck, why not? Let her have whatever she wants for her MLM "business". Your family can move into a studio apartment with the kids. It will be great.

She's not entitled to anything but OP's husband has respectfully asked OP to do this for his mother. The kind thing to do (towards both the husband and the mother) is to give the 4k.

The kind thing for the mother to do would be to get a job and to make better choices so that she doesn't burden her adult children with her problems while they are trying to raise their own families.

The kind thing for the husband to do would be to propose a realistic plan that helps his mother without causing his own family financial problems. But this DH has had his head in the sand and now is wanting to hand over 10% of their savings with no plan, no strings attached, and no understanding of the fact that he is *already* living above his means and can't afford to do this. Kindness my foot, whatever happened to responsibility?

Wow you sound like a joy to be around and a lovely family member.

I am a lovely family member. And one reason for that is that I have boundaries and common sense, and I'm capable of seeing the long term. Good boundaries make for healthy relationships, and good planning helps families get along in the long term. Avoiding conflict in the short term might seem appealing, but it isn't. And it seems like the financial stupidity apple didn't fall far from the MIL tree here. Someone has to have some common sense and open their eyes. MIL is living above her means and she has to stop. OP and DH might be living above their means too. Does this end in family harmony if nobody's willing to see the big picture? I doubt it.

If the DH's plan is just to hand over more and more money until he and his wife are broke and can never retire, well, I guess he's just a more lovely person than I am.

[Anonymous]

I wish the "kindness" advocates, and the "she's his mom" (duh) advocates would explain how this plays out long-term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish the "kindness" advocates, and the "she's his mom" (duh) advocates would explain how this plays out long-term.

...with only 40k saved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes help her! She's your DH's mom!

Also, FWIW, there are plenty on here questioning your financial choices OP. God forbid, you need money in the future and your child's spouse makes judgements and refuses to help you out.

Exactly how much of their savings do you think MIL is entitled to? OMG, she's his mom! Give her the whole $40K! Give her his whole paycheck, why not? Let her have whatever she wants for her MLM "business". Your family can move into a studio apartment with the kids. It will be great.

She's not entitled to anything but OP's husband has respectfully asked OP to do this for his mother. The kind thing to do (towards both the husband and the mother) is to give the 4k.

The kind thing for the mother to do would be to get a job and to make better choices so that she doesn't burden her adult children with her problems while they are trying to raise their own families.

The kind thing for the husband to do would be to propose a realistic plan that helps his mother without causing his own family financial problems. But this DH has had his head in the sand and now is wanting to hand over 10% of their savings with no plan, no strings attached, and no understanding of the fact that he is *already* living above his means and can't afford to do this. Kindness my foot, whatever happened to responsibility?

The good news is there are SO MANY businesses out there looking to hire 70 year olds with spotty work histories for high paying jobs. It's just that easy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish the "kindness" advocates, and the "she's his mom" (duh) advocates would explain how this plays out long-term.

No one knows. This seems like a bad position for everyone to be in. But nothing is getting magically solved by not first taking care of this one loan.

OP's going to love it when what actually happens is they sell the house and her husband's mother moves in with them. She's going to have the best best time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes help her! She's your DH's mom!

Also, FWIW, there are plenty on here questioning your financial choices OP. God forbid, you need money in the future and your child's spouse makes judgements and refuses to help you out.

Exactly how much of their savings do you think MIL is entitled to? OMG, she's his mom! Give her the whole $40K! Give her his whole paycheck, why not? Let her have whatever she wants for her MLM "business". Your family can move into a studio apartment with the kids. It will be great.

She's not entitled to anything but OP's husband has respectfully asked OP to do this for his mother. The kind thing to do (towards both the husband and the mother) is to give the 4k.

The kind thing for the mother to do would be to get a job and to make better choices so that she doesn't burden her adult children with her problems while they are trying to raise their own families.

The kind thing for the husband to do would be to propose a realistic plan that helps his mother without causing his own family financial problems. But this DH has had his head in the sand and now is wanting to hand over 10% of their savings with no plan, no strings attached, and no understanding of the fact that he is *already* living above his means and can't afford to do this. Kindness my foot, whatever happened to responsibility?

The good news is there are SO MANY businesses out there looking to hire 70 year olds with spotty work histories for high paying jobs. It's just that easy!

I'm not saying she can make a lot of money. But surely there is *some* paid work she can do. If she can babysit her grandchild, then she can find a simiar babysitting job this summer, for example. Even if she just babysits once a week, it would cover her groceries. If she is not capable of babysitting, SIL needs to be notified immediately.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you are the A. How is this even a conversation or debate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes help her! She's your DH's mom!

Also, FWIW, there are plenty on here questioning your financial choices OP. God forbid, you need money in the future and your child's spouse makes judgements and refuses to help you out.

Exactly how much of their savings do you think MIL is entitled to? OMG, she's his mom! Give her the whole $40K! Give her his whole paycheck, why not? Let her have whatever she wants for her MLM "business". Your family can move into a studio apartment with the kids. It will be great.

She's not entitled to anything but OP's husband has respectfully asked OP to do this for his mother. The kind thing to do (towards both the husband and the mother) is to give the 4k.

The kind thing for the mother to do would be to get a job and to make better choices so that she doesn't burden her adult children with her problems while they are trying to raise their own families.

The kind thing for the husband to do would be to propose a realistic plan that helps his mother without causing his own family financial problems. But this DH has had his head in the sand and now is wanting to hand over 10% of their savings with no plan, no strings attached, and no understanding of the fact that he is *already* living above his means and can't afford to do this. Kindness my foot, whatever happened to responsibility?

The good news is there are SO MANY businesses out there looking to hire 70 year olds with spotty work histories for high paying jobs. It's just that easy!

I'm not saying she can make a lot of money. But surely there is *some* paid work she can do. If she can babysit her grandchild, then she can find a simiar babysitting job this summer, for example. Even if she just babysits once a week, it would cover her groceries. If she is not capable of babysitting, SIL needs to be notified immediately.

I don't know who's going to hire a 70 year old to babysit - but we don't have any reason to believe she's not already covering her own groceries. She has SS coming in.

[Anonymous]

My father "retired" after he was fired from his job in his 60s. He got into a very bad place mentally and financially. It was 100% his "fault" and he made a bunch of stupid decisions that caused his problems.

I felt very lucky that I was in a place to help him get out of that hole and support him until he got back on his feet. He is my dad. He supported me my entire childhood and I love him. He needed help, and I could help him. It was an easy decision.

I was not married then, but I think if my DH had opposed my giving much needed financial help to my dad, that would have really made he see DH differently (and not in a good way).

OP, imagine this were your mom, and see if that changes your thinking. If it does, then consider that is how your DH feels about his mom and think about how the things you are saying must sound to him.