AITA for not wanting DH to give MIL 4K to clear a debt
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Anonymous
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My DH recently discovered that my MIL has been making interest only payments for 2 years on a HELOC she took out to modestly update her kitchen about 4 years ago (which was badly needed as it was an original kitchen from the 50s). The reason she hasn’t been making full payments is because 2 years ago she was fired from her job (which has happened to her multiple times) so she decided she was done working and was going to retire and take Social Security. She insisted she had enough money to retire if she lived frugally, but I am fairly sure she does not—hence the interest only payments on her loan—which she also took out with a variable interest rate (groan).
She’s a kind person who sacrificed a lot financially to raise my DH but has made a slew of poor financial decisions. I am fairly sure that her only assets for her retirement are less than 50K in cash and around 150K in her 401K which she has not touched yet. She has no long-term care insurance, life insurance, stocks, pension, or anything like that and has avoided going to a financial planner for years despite much encouragement to do so. Her main asset is her house which she will (thankfully) pay off on a few years. She’s 69 and can work But has said she doesn’t want to work full Time ever again. So her plan is to do home sales of an MLM she does now (which hardly brings in any money) and eventually for my SIL to pay her for child care (she’s due with a baby very soon). Last night DH broached the idea with me Of him and his sister each giving her $4K and then having her (his mom) contribute a large chunk of her cash to clear the debt, and I did not like this idea and we got into a pretty big fight. I feel like it is irresponsible of her to have retired as an able bodied person who can work and just does not want to because of the stress without ensuring she has enough assets to do so. And I am pissed she has hidden this debt and I don’t want him to give away our hard earned money when we are trying very hard to save money for our own home updates and repairs (we own an older home which we bought knowing it needed some real work) and to pay for child care for our kids, save for their college, etc. My DH tried to justify this by saying he will eventually inherit her house so it will eventually be his and his sister’s, and I disagreed saying no one knows the future, he or I could die tomorrow, his mom could live to be 100 and need to sell the house to pay for a nursing home or other medical care, etc. He thinks I am being a selfish jerk because my family does not look out for each other financially (I have been financially independent since I got my first job) and making this about me. I feel like if he wants to do this, then there needs to be some transparency on her end, Eg she allow my husband to take a full look at her finances and assets so there are no more surprises and he can help her plan, which he thinks is unreasonable. So, AITA? |
Anonymous
| A compromise would be that this is an interest-free loan, not a gift. As in you give her $4K and she has a schedule to pay it back over a set amount of time, like $100 a month or something. |
Anonymous
| I think that loaning money to one's own mom is a bad idea. I'd have no problem giving 4 grand as a gift. |
Anonymous
| Yes. |
Anonymous
| Not the A-hole. Loans to family should be considered gifts. Even then, I wouldn't want him to clean up her mess. She is an adult who overextended herself and she needs to own it herself. |
Anonymous
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The goal is to help her as little as possible.
The problem is whether giving her 4k now will prevent her making irresponsible choices later. 4k is CHEAP if that’s the only help you ever give her! But you want to make sure it goes where it’s needed, and that she won’t think you’re there to save her every time. So I would continue discussing with your husband. |
Anonymous
Op here. It’s the amount for me that I take issue with. That amount is about 10 percent of our savings account right now. |
Anonymous
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Realistically if you don’t pay to clear the debt now you will be paying it at some point in the future after his mother has paid years of interest on it. What kind of job do you think she is going to get at age 69?
Whether your level of outrage is warranted kind of depends on how much $4k is to your overall budget. I’d think you’re being an ahole if you make $300k/yr, but less of one if you’re making $80k, you know? |
Anonymous
| For gd's sake of course you should give her the money. You can judge her and tut tut over moral hazard, but it's your husband's mother - and he's worried abotu her and wants to give her this peace of mind. Do you doubt for one second that she'd have done this for him, if he needed it and she could? |
Anonymous
| I would not pay off the debt except if there was a lien on the house. I’d help with food and basics. |
Anonymous
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OP how do you resolve it when you have disagreements about other spending? Like what if this was about buying one car vs the other?
The only way to do this right imo is to slog through setting goals, creating a budget, etc. if you give this $4k, you both need to be clear about how it changes your budget and medium/long term plans. If you really, truly can’t agree on it, can this come out of his personal discretionary budget? It’s much better to just have a financial planning system with a process for dealing with this than to argue about what his mother deserves or doesn’t deserve or should or shouldn’t do. Definitely don’t get into any kind of loan situation or making a gift contingent on some sort of lifestyle adjustment. |
Anonymous
Stare at this until your heart thaws. You don’t have to do this kind of thing on a repeated basis, but as a one time bail out? Yes. She is a kind parent who sacrificed a lot to raise the husband that you love. Show some caring back to her, even if you disagree with her choices. This isn’t about your family. It’s about what your husband wants to do for his mom. |
Anonymous
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No. She didn’t have to remodel her kitchen.
She could find some sort of job to earn income. I’d only give the $4k if you’re very wealthy and it’s a nominal amount for you. It would be considered a gift. You won’t be inheriting a house. It will be sold to pay for end of life care. |
Anonymous
DP. How did she sacrifice financially to raise your husband? So many parents make choices for their kids and later act like they are owed something. Sending your husband to private school, the mom not working, out of state college etc are all luxury items that your MIL decided to spend money on. No one forced her. |
Anonymous
It says in the OP that it was a badly needed reno I agree with other posters that you will be paying this money sooner or later, might as well do it now |