Millennials who are mean.

[Anonymous]

There is something not right about this story.

You’re a good parent to three kids and now they grow up to be entitled and mean to you.

My own mother things she was excellent. Never can admit to anything wrong, thinks older people should be respected no matter what, etc. Guess what? There’s a similar dynamic going on with my mom and it’s because she treated me terribly for years. I simply dislike her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Boomer dad was fine, but I had a terrible relationship with my Boomer mom growing up. She had a lot of anger issues and blamed me for things that were not my fault. She also criticized my weight frequently.

However, she became very different after I grew up. I strongly suspect it coincides with starting SSRIs. She is incredibly sweet now, and incredibly helpful and hands-on with my children. We are very close (geographically and emotionally) and see each other several times a week. Ironically I am closer to her now than my dad, which I would have thought impossible 20 years ago.

There are some comments on this thread about boomer parents - both male and female - who, according to the person writing the comments, had anger issues, had explosive personalities, were authoritarian, etc.

Why??? Why were these people so angry? Were they always angry and difficult people, or did they change at some point in their lives?

Looking back, for my own mother I think it was a combo of chemical imbalance + difficulty of working and raising young children 500 miles away from her support network.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Boomer dad was fine, but I had a terrible relationship with my Boomer mom growing up. She had a lot of anger issues and blamed me for things that were not my fault. She also criticized my weight frequently.

However, she became very different after I grew up. I strongly suspect it coincides with starting SSRIs. She is incredibly sweet now, and incredibly helpful and hands-on with my children. We are very close (geographically and emotionally) and see each other several times a week. Ironically I am closer to her now than my dad, which I would have thought impossible 20 years ago.

There are some comments on this thread about boomer parents - both male and female - who, according to the person writing the comments, had anger issues, had explosive personalities, were authoritarian, etc.

Why??? Why were these people so angry? Were they always angry and difficult people, or did they change at some point in their lives?

Lead poisoning
Emotionally neglectful upbringings
Resentful that they stayed in crappy marriages

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Boomer dad was fine, but I had a terrible relationship with my Boomer mom growing up. She had a lot of anger issues and blamed me for things that were not my fault. She also criticized my weight frequently.

However, she became very different after I grew up. I strongly suspect it coincides with starting SSRIs. She is incredibly sweet now, and incredibly helpful and hands-on with my children. We are very close (geographically and emotionally) and see each other several times a week. Ironically I am closer to her now than my dad, which I would have thought impossible 20 years ago.

There are some comments on this thread about boomer parents - both male and female - who, according to the person writing the comments, had anger issues, had explosive personalities, were authoritarian, etc.

Why??? Why were these people so angry? Were they always angry and difficult people, or did they change at some point in their lives?

Looking back, for my own mother I think it was a combo of chemical imbalance + difficulty of working and raising young children 500 miles away from her support network.

Same for my mom. I empathize with her, but, man does she lack awareness of how her arms length upbringing led her to be a pretty distant mother. I try to treat her well, but the lack of social skills doesn't help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Boomer dad was fine, but I had a terrible relationship with my Boomer mom growing up. She had a lot of anger issues and blamed me for things that were not my fault. She also criticized my weight frequently.

However, she became very different after I grew up. I strongly suspect it coincides with starting SSRIs. She is incredibly sweet now, and incredibly helpful and hands-on with my children. We are very close (geographically and emotionally) and see each other several times a week. Ironically I am closer to her now than my dad, which I would have thought impossible 20 years ago.

There are some comments on this thread about boomer parents - both male and female - who, according to the person writing the comments, had anger issues, had explosive personalities, were authoritarian, etc.

Why??? Why were these people so angry? Were they always angry and difficult people, or did they change at some point in their lives?

I'm one of the PPs whose parents had anger issues. I'm sure if you ask them, it's because their upbringing was terrible. And it was, I don't discount that. They parented how they were parented. Yelling, threatening, hitting, etc. was what they knew and they made no effort to look inward and realize how much it harmed them and then did the exact same thing to us. Boomers don't like Millennials (and I'm borderline Gen X, so maybe Gen X too), because they are stopping the cycle of crappy parenting. It's making them realize maybe they weren't such great parents after all.

Both of my parents majorly criticize my parenting and it's infuriating because they weren't model parents. It was very authoritarian and any version of parenting that isn't like that is viewed as permissive, lazy parenting. I'm not a lazy or permissive parent at all... I just treat my child as a human who is imperfect, has bad days, has emotions, etc. I'm making the effort to fully understand my DD. I had massive anxiety as a child, told my parents this for years and all I heard was "it's mind over matter" and to suck it up. Now I'm an adult still with tons of anxiety, but now I have to learn how to navigate through this as an adult because I never learned those coping skills as a child. My DD is very similar to how I was as a kid, anxiety and all. I'm trying to do better for her. Hopefully my kid doesn't hate me in 20-30 years, but I'm working now for that adult relationship with her. Fingers crossed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is something not right about this story.

You’re a good parent to three kids and now they grow up to be entitled and mean to you.

My own mother things she was excellent. Never can admit to anything wrong, thinks older people should be respected no matter what, etc. Guess what? There’s a similar dynamic going on with my mom and it’s because she treated me terribly for years. I simply dislike her.

How did she treat you terribly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Boomer dad was fine, but I had a terrible relationship with my Boomer mom growing up. She had a lot of anger issues and blamed me for things that were not my fault. She also criticized my weight frequently.

However, she became very different after I grew up. I strongly suspect it coincides with starting SSRIs. She is incredibly sweet now, and incredibly helpful and hands-on with my children. We are very close (geographically and emotionally) and see each other several times a week. Ironically I am closer to her now than my dad, which I would have thought impossible 20 years ago.

There are some comments on this thread about boomer parents - both male and female - who, according to the person writing the comments, had anger issues, had explosive personalities, were authoritarian, etc.

Why??? Why were these people so angry? Were they always angry and difficult people, or did they change at some point in their lives?

Again, there's confusion about generations. Boomers were far more permissive than the previous. Our kids were in day care, both spouses worked. Much more lenient. Remember? The kids all got trophies.
Millennial parenting is more lax than that, gentle parenting, so it looks like the previous generation was strict. It wasn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP clearly has a blind spot toward her own behaviors. All 3 kids? She thinks they are spoiled but takes no blame? Describes herself in positive ways and everyone else in negative ways. She’s the problem.

Boomer women didn’t work and did far, far less kid centric things than millennials do today. Their identities were tied to their husband, his work, friends and having kids. As those things have slipped away with time , they seem very empty and are forcing themselves are their adult children.

I’m GenX and see it with our boomer parents and their siblings. Not a one did anything more than a card or call on Mother’s Day for their mothers but boy do they still demand a full on celebration of them on Mother’s Day. As GenX we just ignore it or appease them but I see my millennial younger cousins being much less tolerant of the behavior.

You could not be more wrong here. You have your generations mixed up. Boomer women were the first to be in the work force fully, and they were expected to be in the work force- not a choice thing. We broke glass ceilings in the work force, established work policies for women in while in the work force, expected to take on male dominated STEM field roles with less pay, expected to manage daycare effortlessly, fought off misogynistic practices, sexual abuse and workplace harassment, and as they said over and over in ads and songs: " She brings home the bacon and fries it up in a pan."

Our identities were not tied to our spouse and women were frowned upon if they did. Many of us married later, had kids later, and we were the first generation to normalize divorce. We were the first to keep our names. We had our own accts.

I am 66. I have friends in the age group going towards 75. Some a little older. No one was a stay at home wife and mother. All socioeconomic levels, all income levels.

This all sounds terrible. No wonder you’re miserable!

Daycare was hard, with no precedent, and work life balance was hard, yes. Yet, we did pretty well. But this generation thinks their situation is trauma. We forged a path, and zero credit is given. Not miserable, not angry people, yet why do you think we are? No one I know is angry or controlling or bitter. Yet, we are called morons ? What?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP clearly has a blind spot toward her own behaviors. All 3 kids? She thinks they are spoiled but takes no blame? Describes herself in positive ways and everyone else in negative ways. She’s the problem.

Boomer women didn’t work and did far, far less kid centric things than millennials do today. Their identities were tied to their husband, his work, friends and having kids. As those things have slipped away with time , they seem very empty and are forcing themselves are their adult children.

I’m GenX and see it with our boomer parents and their siblings. Not a one did anything more than a card or call on Mother’s Day for their mothers but boy do they still demand a full on celebration of them on Mother’s Day. As GenX we just ignore it or appease them but I see my millennial younger cousins being much less tolerant of the behavior.

You could not be more wrong here. You have your generations mixed up. Boomer women were the first to be in the work force fully, and they were expected to be in the work force- not a choice thing. We broke glass ceilings in the work force, established work policies for women in while in the work force, expected to take on male dominated STEM field roles with less pay, expected to manage daycare effortlessly, fought off misogynistic practices, sexual abuse and workplace harassment, and as they said over and over in ads and songs: " She brings home the bacon and fries it up in a pan."

Our identities were not tied to our spouse and women were frowned upon if they did. Many of us married later, had kids later, and we were the first generation to normalize divorce. We were the first to keep our names. We had our own accts.

I am 66. I have friends in the age group going towards 75. Some a little older. No one was a stay at home wife and mother. All socioeconomic levels, all income levels.

Some Boomer women were trailblazers. Most were not. I’m guessing the OP was not.

You have it backwards. Most were trailblazers, small minority were not. Women were entirely in the workplace, very few exceptions, unless quite wealthy (?) or cultural. Read up folks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP clearly has a blind spot toward her own behaviors. All 3 kids? She thinks they are spoiled but takes no blame? Describes herself in positive ways and everyone else in negative ways. She’s the problem.

Boomer women didn’t work and did far, far less kid centric things than millennials do today. Their identities were tied to their husband, his work, friends and having kids. As those things have slipped away with time , they seem very empty and are forcing themselves are their adult children.

I’m GenX and see it with our boomer parents and their siblings. Not a one did anything more than a card or call on Mother’s Day for their mothers but boy do they still demand a full on celebration of them on Mother’s Day. As GenX we just ignore it or appease them but I see my millennial younger cousins being much less tolerant of the behavior.

You could not be more wrong here. You have your generations mixed up. Boomer women were the first to be in the work force fully, and they were expected to be in the work force- not a choice thing. We broke glass ceilings in the work force, established work policies for women in while in the work force, expected to take on male dominated STEM field roles with less pay, expected to manage daycare effortlessly, fought off misogynistic practices, sexual abuse and workplace harassment, and as they said over and over in ads and songs: " She brings home the bacon and fries it up in a pan."

Our identities were not tied to our spouse and women were frowned upon if they did. Many of us married later, had kids later, and we were the first generation to normalize divorce. We were the first to keep our names. We had our own accts.

I am 66. I have friends in the age group going towards 75. Some a little older. No one was a stay at home wife and mother. All socioeconomic levels, all income levels.

I would say you were the exception, not the norm. My boomer mom got married 20, had me at 23, never went to college. She did work, but only sporadically when she had to. She always had jobs, not careers.

Don't generalize your personal experience with actual history. Why your mom took a route from a previous generation has nothing to do with what was actually going on. It might be a religious or socioeconomic thing or sociological ( midwest?) ...but no getting married at 20 was definitely not a thing. Is she in her late 70s? Older boomer? Is your family name Falwell or Duggar?
This is my generation, mid 60s and I can say your mother's experience doesn't reflect the times. I was there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP clearly has a blind spot toward her own behaviors. All 3 kids? She thinks they are spoiled but takes no blame? Describes herself in positive ways and everyone else in negative ways. She’s the problem.

Boomer women didn’t work and did far, far less kid centric things than millennials do today. Their identities were tied to their husband, his work, friends and having kids. As those things have slipped away with time , they seem very empty and are forcing themselves are their adult children.

I’m GenX and see it with our boomer parents and their siblings. Not a one did anything more than a card or call on Mother’s Day for their mothers but boy do they still demand a full on celebration of them on Mother’s Day. As GenX we just ignore it or appease them but I see my millennial younger cousins being much less tolerant of the behavior.

You could not be more wrong here. You have your generations mixed up. Boomer women were the first to be in the work force fully, and they were expected to be in the work force- not a choice thing. We broke glass ceilings in the work force, established work policies for women in while in the work force, expected to take on male dominated STEM field roles with less pay, expected to manage daycare effortlessly, fought off misogynistic practices, sexual abuse and workplace harassment, and as they said over and over in ads and songs: " She brings home the bacon and fries it up in a pan."

Our identities were not tied to our spouse and women were frowned upon if they did. Many of us married later, had kids later, and we were the first generation to normalize divorce. We were the first to keep our names. We had our own accts.

I am 66. I have friends in the age group going towards 75. Some a little older. No one was a stay at home wife and mother. All socioeconomic levels, all income levels.

It does seem like PP is wrong, but I think these ideas did Boomer women a disservice. I can't get Betty Friedan's statement about SAHMs being parasites out of my head. I don't think being a SAHM is some kind of feminist act but I think most of us recognize now that it is a good choice for some women and it's awful to shame women for making that choice. And the idea that you were expected to bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan is sad too. My heart really goes out to Boomer women (and Gen X women) who aspired to do it all, which usually required having low expectations for men when it came to childcare and housekeeping. Yes, Gloria Steinem said that women need men like a fish needs a bicycle, but many women chose men anyway because companionship is important too and they just dealt with the household inequities.

So, yes, Boomer women, thank you for the very real progress you made for women, and sorry you had to do it all.

I think what really is going on with the whole "Boomers want a thank you, Millennials want an apology" is that Boomers were treated badly by their parents too, but the idea of just dealing with it because we need to respect our parents just by virtual of them being our parents was still around. Now we have this idea that we aren't obligated to deal with mistreatment just because of family ties. We also tend to want more emotional connection in our relationships, and let's face it: it's hard to have emotional connection when you haven't repaired harm done. I know the analogy is a little strained, but I think about marriages where one partner has had an affair. What I see happen (if the affair came to light but there was no divorce) is one of two things: the couple detaches (or remains detached) emotionally and just tolerate each other as roommates, or they go to therapy, the wayward spouse expresses remorse, the betrayed spouse forgives, and eventually the relationship comes out stronger because of it. The majority of millennials who ask for an apology from their parents want to repair that relationship and have a deeper connection because that is what our society values more right now. And the Boomer parents think "I tolerated this in my parents, why can't you do the same?"

There are a lot of instances where people say "I will never be like my parents!" and then change their minds when they have kids, but I don't think that this will be the case with a refusal to apologize to kids. In fact I don't think I've seen a millennial who has adult children refuse to apologize for parenting mistakes unless they are pretty emotionally stunted.

The oldest Millennials would be early 40s, 41 to be exact. They dont have adult children yet. Come on.
And no, this generation's amazing self absorption, narcissism, and lack of enpathy, need to brand, will not be generating apologies to anyone (!) I can guarantee that. Lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Boomer dad was fine, but I had a terrible relationship with my Boomer mom growing up. She had a lot of anger issues and blamed me for things that were not my fault. She also criticized my weight frequently.

However, she became very different after I grew up. I strongly suspect it coincides with starting SSRIs. She is incredibly sweet now, and incredibly helpful and hands-on with my children. We are very close (geographically and emotionally) and see each other several times a week. Ironically I am closer to her now than my dad, which I would have thought impossible 20 years ago.

There are some comments on this thread about boomer parents - both male and female - who, according to the person writing the comments, had anger issues, had explosive personalities, were authoritarian, etc.

Why??? Why were these people so angry? Were they always angry and difficult people, or did they change at some point in their lives?

Again, there's confusion about generations. Boomers were far more permissive than the previous. Our kids were in day care, both spouses worked. Much more lenient. Remember? The kids all got trophies.
Millennial parenting is more lax than that, gentle parenting, so it looks like the previous generation was strict. It wasn't.

You are assuming that parenting is equal across generations. It isn't. It's not equal across Millennial parents and it wasn't across Boomers.

There's also a misunderstanding about parenting styles and their impact. My Boomer parents were both permissive AND authoritarian. It was a 1-2 punch that was particularly frustrating. They'd be like "do what you want" and not create rules or boundaries, because they grew up in extremely rules-bound (but also abusive) households and didn't want to repeat that. But then if we did something they didn't like, even took a tone they didn't like or dressed in a way they didn't like, they'd resort to draconian punishments -- hitting, grounding, removal of privileges.

What you refer to as "gentle parenting" has actually always been around -- I know a number of millennial who were raised this way and I think their boomer parents probably were, too. It is not permissive and does actually involve rules and boundaries (which also might be framed as "clear expectations and accountability). Because expectations are clear and the parents in the household hold themselves to the same standards, when boundaries are crossed you don't resort to anger and punishment. You sit down and talk. There are consequences, but they aren't "punishments" like grounding and definitely not hitting. They are, when possible, natural consequences, and when not possible, as closely linked to the transgression as possible. It's call "authoritative parenting" and its what most child behavior experts now recommend.

A lot of Boomers lacked the emotional maturity to parent that way, though, in many cases because they are the product of traumatic upbringings. Their parents lived through wars and the Great Depression, domestic abuse and substance abuse were very common in post-WWII households, plus people had PTSD and other issues that simply went unaddressed. So they became dysfunctional parents like mine, unable to set clear boundaries with their kids but also tending to resort to violent or "strict" punishments when pushed.

It's all way more complicated than some of you are making it out to be. The idea that it's "Boomers were strict and Millennial are permissive" or "Boomers were permissive and Millennials are spoiled" is a vast oversimplification that ignores a bunch of factors and variation both within and between generations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like some of these boomer parents were angry, bad tempered and explosive, according to some posts on here.
Why were these people so angry?

My theory is that they were the last generation where everyone got married due to social expectations. Some of these incredibly difficult people with anger issues and poor communication skills (often men) probably shouldn't have ever gotten married. Some of the selfish women might have been better off living their own lives for themselves. My selfish mother has told us that she wishes she had had the option of staying single.

Now, the arrogant entitled men of the gens x and y and zoomer are ending up alone . they are the prize no one wants. People would rather end up alone than marry someone so demanding and selfish and difficult. Women today don't need to get married to have a roof over their heads and so they don't.

I have wondered honestly if my dad is maybe not heterosexual and only married my mom due to social expectations. Thinking that might explain some of his anger. Not being able to be yourself or free to live your authentic life would be a huge burden.

You may be correct with regard to sexuality, but even then, closeted boomers came out in their 40s and left many marriages, but not all. However, boomers were the first to divorce- we weren't staying in marriages.
Again, it was the generation before everyone is confusing. I doubt millennials here even have very old boomers. Their parents are in their 60s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP clearly has a blind spot toward her own behaviors. All 3 kids? She thinks they are spoiled but takes no blame? Describes herself in positive ways and everyone else in negative ways. She’s the problem.

Boomer women didn’t work and did far, far less kid centric things than millennials do today. Their identities were tied to their husband, his work, friends and having kids. As those things have slipped away with time , they seem very empty and are forcing themselves are their adult children.

I’m GenX and see it with our boomer parents and their siblings. Not a one did anything more than a card or call on Mother’s Day for their mothers but boy do they still demand a full on celebration of them on Mother’s Day. As GenX we just ignore it or appease them but I see my millennial younger cousins being much less tolerant of the behavior.

You could not be more wrong here. You have your generations mixed up. Boomer women were the first to be in the work force fully, and they were expected to be in the work force- not a choice thing. We broke glass ceilings in the work force, established work policies for women in while in the work force, expected to take on male dominated STEM field roles with less pay, expected to manage daycare effortlessly, fought off misogynistic practices, sexual abuse and workplace harassment, and as they said over and over in ads and songs: " She brings home the bacon and fries it up in a pan."

Our identities were not tied to our spouse and women were frowned upon if they did. Many of us married later, had kids later, and we were the first generation to normalize divorce. We were the first to keep our names. We had our own accts.

I am 66. I have friends in the age group going towards 75. Some a little older. No one was a stay at home wife and mother. All socioeconomic levels, all income levels.

I would say you were the exception, not the norm. My boomer mom got married 20, had me at 23, never went to college. She did work, but only sporadically when she had to. She always had jobs, not careers.

Don't generalize your personal experience with actual history. Why your mom took a route from a previous generation has nothing to do with what was actually going on. It might be a religious or socioeconomic thing or sociological ( midwest?) ...but no getting married at 20 was definitely not a thing. Is she in her late 70s? Older boomer? Is your family name Falwell or Duggar?
This is my generation, mid 60s and I can say your mother's experience doesn't reflect the times. I was there.

No, she's mid 60s also. Must be where I was raised, because most Boomer women I know got married in their 20s and had kids in their 20s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Boomer dad was fine, but I had a terrible relationship with my Boomer mom growing up. She had a lot of anger issues and blamed me for things that were not my fault. She also criticized my weight frequently.

However, she became very different after I grew up. I strongly suspect it coincides with starting SSRIs. She is incredibly sweet now, and incredibly helpful and hands-on with my children. We are very close (geographically and emotionally) and see each other several times a week. Ironically I am closer to her now than my dad, which I would have thought impossible 20 years ago.

There are some comments on this thread about boomer parents - both male and female - who, according to the person writing the comments, had anger issues, had explosive personalities, were authoritarian, etc.

Why??? Why were these people so angry? Were they always angry and difficult people, or did they change at some point in their lives?

Again, there's confusion about generations. Boomers were far more permissive than the previous. Our kids were in day care, both spouses worked. Much more lenient. Remember? The kids all got trophies.
Millennial parenting is more lax than that, gentle parenting, so it looks like the previous generation was strict. It wasn't.

You are assuming that parenting is equal across generations. It isn't. It's not equal across Millennial parents and it wasn't across Boomers.

There's also a misunderstanding about parenting styles and their impact. My Boomer parents were both permissive AND authoritarian. It was a 1-2 punch that was particularly frustrating. They'd be like "do what you want" and not create rules or boundaries, because they grew up in extremely rules-bound (but also abusive) households and didn't want to repeat that. But then if we did something they didn't like, even took a tone they didn't like or dressed in a way they didn't like, they'd resort to draconian punishments -- hitting, grounding, removal of privileges.

What you refer to as "gentle parenting" has actually always been around -- I know a number of millennial who were raised this way and I think their boomer parents probably were, too. It is not permissive and does actually involve rules and boundaries (which also might be framed as "clear expectations and accountability). Because expectations are clear and the parents in the household hold themselves to the same standards, when boundaries are crossed you don't resort to anger and punishment. You sit down and talk. There are consequences, but they aren't "punishments" like grounding and definitely not hitting. They are, when possible, natural consequences, and when not possible, as closely linked to the transgression as possible. It's call "authoritative parenting" and its what most child behavior experts now recommend.

A lot of Boomers lacked the emotional maturity to parent that way, though, in many cases because they are the product of traumatic upbringings. Their parents lived through wars and the Great Depression, domestic abuse and substance abuse were very common in post-WWII households, plus people had PTSD and other issues that simply went unaddressed. So they became dysfunctional parents like mine, unable to set clear boundaries with their kids but also tending to resort to violent or "strict" punishments when pushed.

It's all way more complicated than some of you are making it out to be. The idea that it's "Boomers were strict and Millennial are permissive" or "Boomers were permissive and Millennials are spoiled" is a vast oversimplification that ignores a bunch of factors and variation both within and between generations.

I'm not the one confusing it. Most millennials on this thread are, and continually bringing up incorrect swaths of age related culture. They are also likely confusing socioeconomic aspects within generations.
Re: gentle parenting. Style yes, for previous times, but as a thing, no, this is totally a "now" push, supported by social media, which we didn't have. And- it's not really going well. Ask any teacher.Wait...they are all quitting, Get on those threads to ask why.