Why don’t more parents understand that adult kids have leverage nowadays to cut off contact, and

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is immature, whiny and entitled brat. She thought that she will get some support here but DCUM crowd is pretty savvy.

DCUM called her on her BS. lol

How is someone entitled and a brat because they wanted to find their own job and save money to buy their own car? Not to mention the many other area of my life they controlled for me.

+1

We have some crazy haters who aren't sympathetic to anyone but themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

Larla is not getting along with her mom or MIL. She wants respect, money, childcare from the oldies. LOL.

She is not willing to provide love and care to the ILs. She does not know her DH will dump her.

TRUTH.

For every person I’ve met who has cut off contact with legitimately abusive family, I’ve met five narcissists who approach all relationships with machete in hand. The minute someone doesn’t do their bidding, the narcissists cut them off.

The only people I've heard who do this are on DCUM.

People hardly cut off contact with their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I was only allowed to have a car my senior year of HS so they could control my whereabouts. My mom referred to cars as “killing machines”. I finally took my car to college my sophomore year so I could drive to work. It took a lot to get my parents to allow this. My parents then introduced “checks” on the car. I wasn’t allowed to drive the car at night so they would take trips to my college town to make sure the car was indeed in the parking lot of my dorm at night.

I wasn’t allowed to go to college out of state despite my parents having plenty of money. I wanted to apply anyway and get loans but didn’t have access to a checking account to pay for applications. The college advisor at my school told my parents and I was then punished for pursuing anything out of state.

During college I wasn’t allowed to study abroad. Parents refused to pay for it and because of their controlling ways, I didn’t have the ability to take out loans. Instead I was told I’d spend summer abroad with my parents. As a 20 year old I spent the summer touring Europe with my parents.

After college my parents used their financial means to try to control me. They paid for a condo in Manhattan. I eventually figured them out, moved out and went on my way.

The bolded comments are a great examples of entitlement. You want to complain about not getting your own car until senior year of HS, them not paying out of state tuition even though you determined THEY had the money AND they paid for a condo in NYC. Unbelievable. You could have bought your own car, found your own job, paid for your own college and adult apartment. You didnt so don't complain now it was controlling while you sat on your rump reaping the benefits of them "controlling you".

I wasn’t allowed to buy my own car. My money was controlled by my parents. I did not have transportation to even get to a bank to open my own bank account in secret. Any paychecks I received from work were deposited into an account that my parents closely monitored. If you’ve never had very controlling parents you likely don’t understand any of this. As a minor child, I’m not sure you have too many rights to do things like take out a car loan without a down payment.

I couldn’t find my own job in HS because my mom dragged me around to businesses to interview. She found me a job one day when I was attending school and drove me to the business after school. She told me on the way to the business that I would be working there. I pushed back and was told I would be punished severely if I didn’t go work there. I don’t think you understand how controlling parents respond and what extreme measures they will take to control their children.

I wanted to apply out of state and take out loans since my parents would not pay for the tuition despite it being set aside for college. The backlash and punishment I received for even reaching out to my HS college advisor was unreal. I lost all sorts of privileges for even trying to get the $50 to write a check to apply to a specific school.

I do admit I let them control me too long during my adult life. But as a HS kid I truly couldn’t help what happened.

Honey, I didn't get a car until I was a junior in College. You aren't owed a car. If you had your own car then you could have figured out a way to cash your own check without mommy. If you wanted to go to college out of state you could have figured out a way to get the $50 app fee without your parents. At 18 you are an adult and could have taken the steps to be fully independent. I am by no means saying your parents are peaches because they sound awful but people are going to use your severe case as a reason for all kids to cut off their parents for much less.

I was 17 when applying for college. I didn’t turn 18 until my freshman year of college. A minor can’t open a bank account in their own. So no, I couldn’t find a way to get a $50 check unless I stole one. Like I mentioned, I tried to get assistance from my college advisor in somehow paying the application fee. He then notified my parents and I was punished.

There are tons of people who work with no bank accounts that cash their paychecks. You don't need a bank account to cash a check made out to you. Then you take your cash and send it with the application or give cash to friend and they write you the check.
There are unhoused children and young adults fighting their way out of more oppressive situations than yours.

I was underage and didn’t have access to the internet. I had no way of knowing that I could put a check in the mail when I didn’t have a bank account with checks.

Fwiw I also didn’t have access to cash. I wouldn’t have been allowed to leave the house to walk a few miles to the nearest ATM. I would have had to lie and say I needed cash for something else, which they would have said no to.

You already said they gave you a car senior year, when you would have been applying to college. No walking necessary. Also, you had a job, presumably near some sort of business center closer to an ATM, unless you were Amish and working on a farm. Also, you said you tried to give cash to your guidance counselor, so did you have cash or not, which is it?

And bottom line, nobody cares about the mechanics of putting a check in the mail. The problem was very different. Your parents were mad that you tried to apply out-of-state when they told you they were unwilling to sign up for $20/30k in loans per year. You still haven't told us how you were "punished" for trying to get your counselor to write the check, even though several of us have asked you.

You're not reliable. If you were my kid, I might actually say OK, fend for yourself for a year or two and figure out how the world works.

Sad. You are full fledged adult with the capacity and resources of someone who has been adult for decades. And you are challenging the lack of resourcefulness of a controlled sheltered 17 year old. Good for you! You are smarter than a pre-internet 17 year old. By the way, I have also been responding to you. I'm not the poster who is telling her story, but I am very aware of parents who control through money. As I said earlier, be glad you don't know.

Unless you're the Roy family, you've got a seriously distorted idea of what it means to "control through money." Not buying pp a car when she turned 16, not paying OOS, are not controlling behaviors[i]. You seem to think that kids should have free access to parental money, in order to satisfy their every whim.

Your kids must be entitled little brats too. Good luck with that.

You don’t get it. You can’t see past the bolded. What’s interesting is I was actually trying to do the opposite of what you’re accusing me of. I wanted to pay for my own college and buy me own car with money I earned from a job I found. Why is that so terrible and entitled? Entitled would be thinking I deserve a car, my parents must pay for OOS school etc. I didn’t think any of that.

YOUR PARENTS WOULD HAVE HAD TO COSIGN ANY LOANS YOU TOOK OUT FOR OOS.

And yeah, in one of your earlier posts you whined that you didn't get a car until senior year of HS. Boo hoo.

Sorry for the caps, but in your case it's so necessary. You keep ignoring, again and again, this very basic fact.

Yes. I wanted to have a job and save money for a car like normal kids. Instead the car was used as a means to control me.

Except you apparently did nothing about finding your own job. You complained that your mother had to find you a job. Not that waiting tables or whatever would have been enough to pay for a car--your parents would still have had to subsidize your car or co-sign your car loan.

I was told I’d be punished with my parents taking away my car if I didn’t work the job they chose for me. I remember my mom driving me by force to the job and dropping me out front and threatening me. I wasn’t allowed to ride in cars with any teenagers. It was my parents or me. Or maybe one of my parents friends. I didn’t live walking distance to any jobs.

I don’t think you understand parents who control every element of your life. If you grew up normally I can see how you might think “girl, find your own job!” Except it doesn’t work that way with parents like mine. If I’d gone rogue, found my own job, and somehow found a way to get there on a regular basis, they would have crucified me. The job wools have been called to say I can’t work there and my parents favorite threat - was that I couldn’t go to college at all. I could see the light being 17 and almost out of the house. So I worked the job they demanded but of course resented I couldn’t find and chose my own job.

This makes no sense. Your parents bought you a car but continued to drive it and you themselves, instead of mom just continuing to drive you in own car?

And then you come on DCUM to dramatically threaten all parents with being cut off unless they are “really careful”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

Larla is not getting along with her mom or MIL. She wants respect, money, childcare from the oldies. LOL.

She is not willing to provide love and care to the ILs. She does not know her DH will dump her.

TRUTH.

For every person I’ve met who has cut off contact with legitimately abusive family, I’ve met five narcissists who approach all relationships with machete in hand. The minute someone doesn’t do their bidding, the narcissists cut them off.

The only people I've heard who do this are on DCUM.

People hardly cut off contact with their parents.

This. It’s like the “divorce him/her!” posters on the Relationship forum. Some people lack self-awareness/accountability and approach every relationship with a victim mentality and a blow torch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

Larla is not getting along with her mom or MIL. She wants respect, money, childcare from the oldies. LOL.

She is not willing to provide love and care to the ILs. She does not know her DH will dump her.

TRUTH.

For every person I’ve met who has cut off contact with legitimately abusive family, I’ve met five narcissists who approach all relationships with machete in hand. The minute someone doesn’t do their bidding, the narcissists cut them off.

The only people I've heard who do this are on DCUM.

People hardly cut off contact with their parents.

This. It’s like the “divorce him/her!” posters on the Relationship forum. Some people lack self-awareness/accountability and approach every relationship with a victim mentality and a blow torch.

Aww, are people sick of your shyt and not doing your bidding? Are they not putting up with your controlling ways? Too bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

Larla is not getting along with her mom or MIL. She wants respect, money, childcare from the oldies. LOL.

She is not willing to provide love and care to the ILs. She does not know her DH will dump her.

TRUTH.

For every person I’ve met who has cut off contact with legitimately abusive family, I’ve met five narcissists who approach all relationships with machete in hand. The minute someone doesn’t do their bidding, the narcissists cut them off.

The only people I've heard who do this are on DCUM.

People hardly cut off contact with their parents.

This. It’s like the “divorce him/her!” posters on the Relationship forum. Some people lack self-awareness/accountability and approach every relationship with a victim mentality and a blow torch.

Aww, are people sick of your shyt and not doing your bidding? Are they not putting up with your controlling ways? Too bad.

^^^ lack of self-awareness and blow-it-all-up mentality

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

Larla is not getting along with her mom or MIL. She wants respect, money, childcare from the oldies. LOL.

She is not willing to provide love and care to the ILs. She does not know her DH will dump her.

TRUTH.

For every person I’ve met who has cut off contact with legitimately abusive family, I’ve met five narcissists who approach all relationships with machete in hand. The minute someone doesn’t do their bidding, the narcissists cut them off.

The only people I've heard who do this are on DCUM.

People hardly cut off contact with their parents.

This. It’s like the “divorce him/her!” posters on the Relationship forum. Some people lack self-awareness/accountability and approach every relationship with a victim mentality and a blow torch.

Aww, are people sick of your shyt and not doing your bidding? Are they not putting up with your controlling ways? Too bad.

^^^ lack of self-awareness and blow-it-all-up mentality

No honey, I am estranged from exactly no one in my life. Good relationships with my family and my husband's family. But if you find yourself cut off, maybe you should be looking in a mirror instead of blaming all of society or entire generations. If you're cut off, you need to reflect, not just blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

Larla is not getting along with her mom or MIL. She wants respect, money, childcare from the oldies. LOL.

She is not willing to provide love and care to the ILs. She does not know her DH will dump her.

TRUTH.

For every person I’ve met who has cut off contact with legitimately abusive family, I’ve met five narcissists who approach all relationships with machete in hand. The minute someone doesn’t do their bidding, the narcissists cut them off.

The only people I've heard who do this are on DCUM.

People hardly cut off contact with their parents.

This. It’s like the “divorce him/her!” posters on the Relationship forum. Some people lack self-awareness/accountability and approach every relationship with a victim mentality and a blow torch.

Aww, are people sick of your shyt and not doing your bidding? Are they not putting up with your controlling ways? Too bad.

^^^ lack of self-awareness and blow-it-all-up mentality

No honey, I am estranged from exactly no one in my life. Good relationships with my family and my husband's family. But if you find yourself cut off, maybe you should be looking in a mirror instead of blaming all of society or entire generations. If you're cut off, you need to reflect, not just blame.

You know nothing about me, but interesting that your drama-llama streak is so strong you think you can speculate. Honey, I had great relationships with my parents before they died and now I have great relationships with our college-aged kids. Going by the strange drama and complete dearth of self-awareness in all your posts, I’m surprised you have relationships with anybody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

Larla is not getting along with her mom or MIL. She wants respect, money, childcare from the oldies. LOL.

She is not willing to provide love and care to the ILs. She does not know her DH will dump her.

TRUTH.

For every person I’ve met who has cut off contact with legitimately abusive family, I’ve met five narcissists who approach all relationships with machete in hand. The minute someone doesn’t do their bidding, the narcissists cut them off.

The only people I've heard who do this are on DCUM.

People hardly cut off contact with their parents.

This. It’s like the “divorce him/her!” posters on the Relationship forum. Some people lack self-awareness/accountability and approach every relationship with a victim mentality and a blow torch.

Aww, are people sick of your shyt and not doing your bidding? Are they not putting up with your controlling ways? Too bad.

^^^ lack of self-awareness and blow-it-all-up mentality

No honey, I am estranged from exactly no one in my life. Good relationships with my family and my husband's family. But if you find yourself cut off, maybe you should be looking in a mirror instead of blaming all of society or entire generations. If you're cut off, you need to reflect, not just blame.

You know nothing about me, but interesting that your drama-llama streak is so strong you think you can speculate. Honey, I had great relationships with my parents before they died and now I have great relationships with our college-aged kids. Going by the strange drama and complete dearth of self-awareness in all your posts, I’m surprised you have relationships with anybody.

DP - Why are people who don't cut people off arguing with people who haven't been cut off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

Larla is not getting along with her mom or MIL. She wants respect, money, childcare from the oldies. LOL.

She is not willing to provide love and care to the ILs. She does not know her DH will dump her.

TRUTH.

For every person I’ve met who has cut off contact with legitimately abusive family, I’ve met five narcissists who approach all relationships with machete in hand. The minute someone doesn’t do their bidding, the narcissists cut them off.

The only people I've heard who do this are on DCUM.

People hardly cut off contact with their parents.

This. It’s like the “divorce him/her!” posters on the Relationship forum. Some people lack self-awareness/accountability and approach every relationship with a victim mentality and a blow torch.

Aww, are people sick of your shyt and not doing your bidding? Are they not putting up with your controlling ways? Too bad.

^^^ lack of self-awareness and blow-it-all-up mentality

No honey, I am estranged from exactly no one in my life. Good relationships with my family and my husband's family. But if you find yourself cut off, maybe you should be looking in a mirror instead of blaming all of society or entire generations. If you're cut off, you need to reflect, not just blame.

You know nothing about me, but interesting that your drama-llama streak is so strong you think you can speculate. Honey, I had great relationships with my parents before they died and now I have great relationships with our college-aged kids. Going by the strange drama and complete dearth of self-awareness in all your posts, I’m surprised you have relationships with anybody.

DP - Why are people who don't cut people off arguing with people who haven't been cut off?

Would DCUM exist if we all stuck to our own personal experience?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:that they need to be REALLY careful in their interactions with their late teens & early 20s kids? Seriously.

Careful behavior goes way beyond early 20's and as they have relationships or marry it also extends to their partners. I've gotten in trouble for requests at our house. Leverage now has visiting dog with access to all rooms, all furniture, plus counter surfing and jumping on in any household.

I have no idea what any of this means. Want to try it again?

100 pound dog gets to jump on anyone anywhere, steal food anywhere, etc. Enter and it's 2-3 whams for a knockover unless quickly position against a wall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is immature, whiny and entitled brat. She thought that she will get some support here but DCUM crowd is pretty savvy.

DCUM called her on her BS. lol

How is someone entitled and a brat because they wanted to find their own job and save money to buy their own car? Not to mention the many other area of my life they controlled for me.

+1

We have some crazy haters who aren't sympathetic to anyone but themselves.

No, we don't. We realize that pp was a teen and had no idea how to do anything nor that she could not purchase a car without herp aren't helping her. Plus was insane wanting to go out of state and did not understand that her parents would have to take loans for that, not her likely her parents.
We know how student loans work and how car loans work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is immature, whiny and entitled brat. She thought that she will get some support here but DCUM crowd is pretty savvy.

DCUM called her on her BS. lol

How is someone entitled and a brat because they wanted to find their own job and save money to buy their own car? Not to mention the many other area of my life they controlled for me.

+1

We have some crazy haters who aren't sympathetic to anyone but themselves.

No, we don't. We realize that pp was a teen and had no idea how to do anything nor that she could not purchase a car without herp aren't helping her. Plus was insane wanting to go out of state and did not understand that her parents would have to take loans for that, not her likely her parents.
We know how student loans work and how car loans work.

+1. All of which her parents probably explained to her multiple times. But I guess that makes them “controlling.” And they did buy her a car, just a year late apparently, which still makes them controlling.

At one point the convo turned to money and someone—not sure it was OP—said that any time parents limit money for things like cars or school, that makes you ha m “controlling.” I guess that about sums up that perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

Many people here don't understand this, because they have normal relationships with parents who saw them as people. However, for those of us who grew up in abusive and narcissistic households, where parents saw kids as extensions of themselves, who reflected glory or shame on the parents through their achievements (beauty, college admissions, grades, etc), we understand it all too well. The whole point of getting to college for me, going into debt and getting a job was to be financially independent, to get money to be able to walk away. My parents called me fat and ugly, refused to feed me dinner if I got bad grades, and gave me the silent treatment if I did badly in school or even brought home a guy they did not like - literally pretended we did not exist. There was no physical abuse, but It took me until the end of college to realize this was not how normal families behaved. This is how controlling parents behaved. It took a lot of therapy to get over this, and become a person who could move past it. But my mother remains incredibly manipulative; she hides the nasty words from outsiders, but will tell me I look like I gained weight, or question the choice of colleges for my children. She actually told me she thought they could do better and talked about her friends kids and where they were going to school. Ladle on the pressure and try to shame - yep, it never changes.

As a result, I need to limit the time I spend with my parents. They still have boundary issues -and when they started commenting on my daughter's looks and inquiring about her grades, I realized I needed to protect her. The one great thing I did in my life is I know my kids know they are loved and that I view them as their own people, not view them as extensions of myself.

Sorry for making this such a heavy post, but controlling parental behavior is very real. And sometimes mental health requires forcing a new dynamic, or else, if that doesn't work, cutting off contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

Many people here don't understand this, because they have normal relationships with parents who saw them as people. However, for those of us who grew up in abusive and narcissistic households, where parents saw kids as extensions of themselves, who reflected glory or shame on the parents through their achievements (beauty, college admissions, grades, etc), we understand it all too well. The whole point of getting to college for me, going into debt and getting a job was to be financially independent, to get money to be able to walk away. My parents called me fat and ugly, refused to feed me dinner if I got bad grades, and gave me the silent treatment if I did badly in school or even brought home a guy they did not like - literally pretended we did not exist. There was no physical abuse, but It took me until the end of college to realize this was not how normal families behaved. This is how controlling parents behaved. It took a lot of therapy to get over this, and become a person who could move past it. But my mother remains incredibly manipulative; she hides the nasty words from outsiders, but will tell me I look like I gained weight, or question the choice of colleges for my children. She actually told me she thought they could do better and talked about her friends kids and where they were going to school. Ladle on the pressure and try to shame - yep, it never changes.

As a result, I need to limit the time I spend with my parents. They still have boundary issues -and when they started commenting on my daughter's looks and inquiring about her grades, I realized I needed to protect her. The one great thing I did in my life is I know my kids know they are loved and that I view them as their own people, not view them as extensions of myself.

Sorry for making this such a heavy post, but controlling parental behavior is very real. And sometimes mental health requires forcing a new dynamic, or else, if that doesn't work, cutting off contact.

DP who does not know anyone who cut off parents.

I love my mother to the moon and back, but if she made comments about my daughter's looks more than once, I'd have to cut her off.

Good for you, PP!